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Old 04-08-2010, 09:03 PM
confusedpoly confusedpoly is offline
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Default I need advice!!

I am in desperate need of advice and I don't know where to turn.

My husband and I have been married for about 7 1/2 years and together only a little over a year longer than that. We got into polyamory almost 9 months ago. We are what you would call a triangle. We have a mutual girlfriend. Her and her two children live with us and our two children. The kids have a vague idea of what is going on but nothing more than that. Some of our family members, some friends and some coworkers know about all of us.

My problem is this. When our relationship first started I was happy, it was easy and I loved it. But with every passing day I find it harder and harder to deal with. I want to make it clear that I'm not the kind of person who just gives up and runs away when things get tough. It's just that I thought that this was what I wanted and now I know it's not. I realized a few months ago that I hate sharing my husband. Maybe it makes me selfish and greedy but I just want him back. I have told him that I don't want this anymore and that I hate sharing him, but he still wants it.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this but they both do. I refuse to ask, beg or to make him get rid of her. I want him to not want her but he does and that cannot be changed. I can't keep living like this but I don't want to lose my husband.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:07 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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what is it about sharing him that bothers you?

There is SOMETHING at the bottom line. What's the fear/hurt/insecurity at the bottom of this in you?
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:27 PM
confusedpoly confusedpoly is offline
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I think what I hate most about sharing him is that it hurts and under that I'm sure I'm jealous and insecure about myself. I hate that he wants her, what's wrong with me so that I'm not enough for him anymore? I know that a lot of my negative feelings about this relationship are strictly because of me and my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to deal with them anymore. That's why I'm here. I wish someone had a magic wand that they could wave that would just make everything perfect but I know that's not going to happen. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:43 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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You are right, there is no magic wand.

BUT there are ways to alleviate those issues.

There are HEALTHY ways to alleviate those issues.

Trying to make someone else change who they are in order to make ourselves feel better is never healthy (even in monogomous relationships).

Have you ever read any of the articles on xeromag.com?
There are a few that might be helpful to you... if you go to that website, then click on "polyamory" then read them all, seriously. There are articles about jealousy on there that REALLY helped out Maca in dealing with exactly what you are talking about.

Do you read books? (some people loathe it that's why I ask)
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:16 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I think what I hate most about sharing him is that it hurts and under that I'm sure I'm jealous and insecure about myself. I hate that he wants her, what's wrong with me so that I'm not enough for him anymore? I know that a lot of my negative feelings about this relationship are strictly because of me and my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to deal with them anymore. That's why I'm here. I wish someone had a magic wand that they could wave that would just make everything perfect but I know that's not going to happen. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
Maybe ask him why he likes being with you? It sounds like insecurity is driving many of the feelings you have about this. If you were to know why he really loves you and being with you, then it may not hurt so much. In a sense, this other person can not take anything away from your relationship with him.

I hope this works out for you.
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:02 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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OOOOH I have to elaborate on Quath's thought.

In any given relationship-not just between lovers,
NO ONE can make or break the relationship but the people in it.

This is something Midnightsun and I were discussing recently.

My stepson's mother has spent 12 years in emotional turmoil over me 'replacing her'. It's not possible. I LOVE my stepson as my own-and he loves me as his own. He calls me mom. I sign my letters to him MomLR (ok I use my real initial, but you get the picture). She LOATHES that he calls me mom because she feels like it takes something away from her, but the truth is-it doesn't.

My daughter (the oldest) calls her auntie mom and she calls me mom (sometimes mommy still) and she calls her stepmom mom.
She calls her father dad, she calls Maca dad and she has two other guys she calls dad as well!
It's a term of endearment, but it doesn't replace anything.

Maca can't make or break things for GG right now in our relationship (GG and I are struggling through some learning steps) and when Maca and I were struggling GG couldn't make or break things for us.

Your SO's other girlfriend can't be you, can't replace you, can't make him love you less or more, can't make you more or less sexy to him or more or less good in bed either.

ONLY YOU can do those things.

BUT you CAN improve ALL sorts of things about yourself by choosing to and you can improve all sorts of things about your relationship by improving yourself and getting to know him EVEN BETTER too!!
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:59 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Confused,

Well - shall we dig into this some ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
My problem is this. When our relationship first started I was happy, it was easy and I loved it. But with every passing day I find it harder and harder to deal with.
What made you "happy". Was it primarily because of the sexual part ?



Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I want to make it clear that I'm not the kind of person who just gives up and runs away when things get tough. It's just that I thought that this was what I wanted and now I know it's not. I realized a few months ago that I hate sharing my husband.
Why did you think you wanted it ? What picture did you have in your mind ?

Has anything changed - except you ? Having a houseful of kids and all that goes with that - and different parents - is somewhat of a balancing act. Is any of that behind your changed feelings ? Is that part of what's becoming "tough" ?




Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this but they both do. I refuse to ask, beg or to make him get rid of her. I want him to not want her but he does and that cannot be changed. I can't keep living like this but I don't want to lose my husband.
If we rule out the "family" (mixed) complications, does it possibly come down to the fact that although the 3 way sexual potential seemed exciting, that you were never aware that it could take a leap beyond sex ?

And that now you have to use the same tools and reasoning that you used to overcome sexual jealousy (intimacy) to get past emotional intimacy.

It's really very much the same reasoning and skill set in may ways.
We have to get past personal insecurities.

We have to adopt another understanding that relationships (sexual or emotional) are NOT some form of competition. Everyone can "win" - and should at various points.

We don't "own" anyone other than ourselves ! We have no right to. We WANT to partner with them in their quest for a happy, fulfilled life. And have them partner with us.

So where really is the problem do you think ?

GS
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:10 PM
confusedpoly confusedpoly is offline
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Wow all of you guys are great! You ask alot of insightful questions that require some deep thinking and soul searching on my part. And I sincerely appreciate the great advice.I'm going to respond to everyones post in one big post, hope no one minds. Let me start off by saying to Loving Radience that I do very much enjoy reading. I haven't read the articles you suggested but I certainly will. I also read towards the beginning of our relationship Jenny Block's book Open. It was helpful but I wish it had been more in depth about how her and her husband dealt with all the feelings. Does anyone know any other books I can read? Polyamory books can be hard to find at the library.

I've been doing alot of thinking since yesturday and I realized I need to put more thought into how I word things before I say them.

Before all of this started I was not a jealous or insecure person. So these are all completely new emotions for me. I just wanted to clear up that i never been worried about them leaving me for each other.

What made me happy about all of this in the beginning that it seems like I've lost now is the connection with both of them. Let's just clear up the sex versus relationship issue. Yes the sex is great, but no I never planned on that being the focus of our relationship. I want a real meaningful relationship for all 3 of us. I want us all to be one big happy family. We consider everything ours. The kids, the pets, the house, finances, decision making, etc. etc.

I feel like I have lost the connection with both of them. None of talk like we use to and yes I know a large part of that is because of me. Which I have taken immediate steps to rectify. Tomorrow night is date night. I told both of them to bring a list of things they want to talk about: thoughts, feelings, issues, good things, bad things, things that need improved and changed. I hope this helps.

I'm not ready to give up on all of us yet. I love them both. I just find myself constantly struggling to accept.
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:21 PM
confusedpoly confusedpoly is offline
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I went back and reread the posts that everyone has made and I decided I needed to elaborate about my response to grounded spirits questions.

In the beginning I wanted it to go beyond just the sexual aspect of the relationship. I love them both and they both love me. Their love is different for each other then what it is with me. They love each other but they aren't in love with each other at least not yet. Make sense? I want them to be in love with each other. I want this relationship to be more than just sexual.

The chaotic household with all the combined kids, pets and finances doesn't affect me. I love the chaos and thrive on it.

I probably should have mentioned somewhere along the line that this has been my first experience with polyamory, threesomes and being in love with another woman.

I dont want to give up yet and that is why I'm here learning from the wisdom of those who are living this lifestyle.
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Old 04-09-2010, 11:35 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Thanks again Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
In the beginning I wanted it to go beyond just the sexual aspect of the relationship. I love them both and they both love me.
{{{scratching head}}} So you love them, they love you and THAT's a problem ????? Can we all come & live in your problem plagued world ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
Their love is different for each other then what it is with me. They love each other but they aren't in love with each other at least not yet. Make sense? I want them to be in love with each other. I want this relationship to be more than just sexual.
Everyone's love is "different". That's what makes it special. Not only between lovers but our family, pets, neighbors etc. If it wasn't unique it wouldn't be as special !



Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I dont want to give up yet and that is why I'm here learning from the wisdom of those who are living this lifestyle.
So in the end I'm quite confused.............

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
............I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this but they both do. I refuse to ask, beg or to make him get rid of her. I want him to not want her but he does and that cannot be changed. I can't keep living like this but I don't want to lose my husband.
This from your first post. Here you say you DON'T want it. Then - in the following posts you seem to want it badly - if maybe in a more mature, evolved form.

So which is it ?

Maybe I'm not the only one confused ?

GS
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