"Your dance card is full"

[GalaGirl]

Yup.

My friends tell me same with online dating world they participate in.

A lot of struggle to sort the duds from the potentials.

I often wonder what sort of profile *I* would write.

I have to think about that.

GG

[km34]

I'm pretty sure half the guys on dating sites send the "whats up, how r u" type messages to women who specifically warn against it just to piss people off. It's humorous to many to be able to get a strong reaction from someone for such little effort.

I have to say, though, that you seem to be making as many if not more assumptions about this guy as you're postulating that he is making about you. It seems harsh. Telling someone in the first message that you aren't really looking for new relationships seems very much like telling someone in the first message that you are not interested in looking for dates, let alone a date with him.

[persephone]

You are missing the context here. This guy did not write and say "I'd like to meet you" and got a "I'm not really looking right now" response. He wrote to ask me why I stayed on a site where there was so much bad dating behavior, and I told him it didn't bother me because I wasn't invested in an outcome of finding someone new.

The majority of poly people I know say they're not really looking. "Not looking" is not always the same as "closed to all new relationship possibilities." I haven't really "looked" for some of the relationships I've found. The last time I had just one partner, I was getting over someone and definitely not looking. I wasn't sure I should get involved with anyone because I was still so upset about the relationship that had ended. But I was certainly open to friends, and I made a friend, and over time he became much more than a friend.

I fail to see what assumptions I made about the guy I turned down. I know very little about him, but what I do know turned me off.

Maybe some of you men who think you're being rejected in these contexts should ask a few more questions before being sure of that.

[zylya]

Originally Posted by persephone

You are missing the context here. This guy did not write and say "I'd like to meet you" and got a "I'm not really looking right now" response. He wrote to ask me why I stayed on a site where there was so much bad dating behavior, and I told him it didn't bother me because I wasn't invested in an outcome of finding someone new.

The majority of poly people I know say they're not really looking. "Not looking" is not always the same as "closed to all new relationship possibilities." I haven't really "looked" for some of the relationships I've found. The last time I had just one partner, I was getting over someone and definitely not looking. I wasn't sure I should get involved with anyone because I was still so upset about the relationship that had ended. But I was certainly open to friends, and I made a friend, and over time he became much more than a friend.

I fail to see what assumptions I made about the guy I turned down. I know very little about him, but what I do know turned me off.

Maybe some of you men who think you're being rejected in these contexts should ask a few more questions before being sure of that.

If we're missing the context it's because you didn't provide it... if you say on a dating site "I'm not really looking" then some people are going to interpret that as you're unavailable. Like I said, it sounded to me like a rejection, and to me it sounded like it was a rejection for him.

Your assumption was that his disappointment at (supposed) rejection was just patronising behaviour about how many partners are too many, when it seems to me (and others) that it was just an expression of disappointment at hearing that you were (in his understanding) unavailable.

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by WhatHappened

I think many people also make 'statements' that are really questions that they don't want to ask out right. I can easily see someone 'saying' Your dance card is full, when they're really asking, "Is your dance card full, then? Are you interested in me?"

It's a soft approach, giving someone a chance for a graceful exit, a gentle excuse, rather than forcing them to say, "I'd love ten more boyfriends, but you, sir, would not be among them if there were only nine men left on Earth!"

I'd totally read it that way too. Men are so often hammered for being pushy, he was probably hoping you'd say your dance card wasn't full at all if you were interested.

That seems like an odd reason to rule somebody out - are you sure you weren't interested anyway so it seems like a good excuse?

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by persephone

I just wanted to share a funny experience I had this morning. I received a very nice email from a well-spoken, attractive, local man... I also mentioned that I was in three relationships at present and didn't feel particularly pressured to find more partners. He replied, "Oh well, I guess your dance card is full, I'm out of luck, too bad!"

Now, had this person actually asked me more about my situation...

Why would he need to ask? If you really found him attractive, well spoken and with potential, all you would have had to say was, "I live with one, the other is LDR, and the 3rd is very busy, I actually have free time," and let him take it from there!

For all he knew, you had a date and a shag from each guy twice a week.

Attractive, available, well spoken guys who are interested in open relationships are rather thin on the ground around here. I'd not let one that get away without a test run! But that's just me.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I'd not let one that get away without a test run! But that's just me.

You should get the OP to PM you a link to that guy's profile. Something tells me he'd be better off with you than with her anyway.

But oh yeah - location. LOL

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by zylya

Your assumption was that his disappointment at (supposed) rejection was just patronising behaviour about how many partners are too many, when it seems to me (and others) that it was just an expression of disappointment at hearing that you were (in his understanding) unavailable.

This. If I received a message saying somebody wasn't looking, I'd take that as an indication that she's not open for a new relationship.

[Tise]

To play devils advocate, as a Female, I never read a Mans profile. I'd much rather learn about you and your lovestyle from you, not your profile. Maybe he's like me in that aspect...

[nllswing]

GalaGirl,

What a nice analysis. If more people thought like you, the world would be much easier place to live in (and date).