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  #1  
Old 08-19-2012, 04:18 AM
waltzingback waltzingback is offline
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Default need advice with a bisexual mono/poly relationship

ok here's the complicated backstory. i'm a guy dating my best friend, and we're in love. we've been living together for 2 years, known each other 4 years. what makes it complicated is that she's gay. i'm pretty much the only guy she would ever fall for & the only guy she would ever sleep with. we broke up earlier this year because she wanted to be with a girl & she didn't wanna waste her youth being "tied down" as she put it, even though she loves me. but it didn't work out that way. we still shared a bed, still had sex, the only difference was that she had a new girlfriend: one of our friends we had known for a little while. we were still together behind this new girlfriend's back. then she broke up with this girlfriend because they had different ideals, but she made a point to tell me that it didn't mean we were exclusive again. she ended up wanting to get back together with this girl, but this time everything was more honest. we decided upon a polyamorous relationship. the situation has been like this for a couple months now & i'm still having a hard time coping with the jealousy. i understand this girl makes her happy & i respect that but at the same time can't help feeling sad when she goes to spend the night with her & i'm in our bed all alone. and there are times when i can't help but think that her life would be so much easier if i were never there. she would just be with this girl & i wouldn't be there to make it complicated. she basically suggested this polyamorous thing as a way to work it out & keep me in her life. but it's been difficult. the other girl gets jealous of me & the fact that i live with her & i've known her longer, not to mention the confusing concept of a lesbian being in love with a man. and i'm jealous because she seems to be more excited about her relationship with this girl. i know that's normal in new relationships but i can't help feeling like i wish she was having that much fun with me, like we used to when we first started out & it was just me & her & everything felt right. so i was just hoping that someone here had some advice for me / for us, to better deal with this. feel free to ask any questions.
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  #2  
Old 08-19-2012, 05:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Aw.

What about the core question -- are you ok with poly or not? Because all the rest is moot if you are not truly ok.

Feeling jealous for now because your GF is in New Relationship Energy pink fluffy lala clouds?

Wishing it was easier -- do you know how many rships you have here?
  • you <--> you (you to self as part of a greater polyship, not a footloose single)
  • GF <--> GF
  • Meta <-->Meta
  • You + GF (romance)
  • GF + Meta (romance)
  • You + Meta (polite metamours? Friends? What's the goal on this mini relationship within the larger polyship? If any?)
  • You to (GF + Meta)
  • Meta to (GF + You)
  • GF to (You + Meta)
  • You + GF + Meta (working as a solid "V" trio, like a team)

Ghost layers -- what if you all break up? How do the poly peeps want to be to each other?
  • You - GF - Meta
  • (You + GF) - Meta
  • You - (GF + Meta)
  • (You + Meta) - GF

You have 10 relationships going there with 4 ghost layers to map out in your configuration's polymath. That's a lot to tend. Which ones are strong? Which are weak? Why? How to strengthen? You have to talk to your people on these topics.

Do you have a framework for how to be in right relationship to each other? How to deal with conflict resolution?

Don't give up just because things feel tough right now. If you can be ok in a polyship, then BE in a polyship. Love GF and work with the meta to create a solid "V" config.

But again... if your heart is not down with the poly thing -- don't do it half assed just to avoid breaking up. It's easier to break up and go back to being her friend than endure something your heart is just NOT into. Do not compromise yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Is it a case of a rough patch or a case of this not being for you at ALL?

GG
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:45 AM
waltzingback waltzingback is offline
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i'm a very open-minded person & i'm totally down to be in a poly relationship. it's just different because we were monogamous for so long, then she introduced this whole thing into our lives. it's an interesting change. we used to not be able to sleep apart, now she spends the night with the other girl a couple times a week, and i miss her so much when she's gone. and i guess it just hurts that she can't possibly miss me as much as i miss her, because she's not sleeping alone, she's in the arms of someone she loves. another thing is that when i bring up the possibility of me having someone else she says she would break up with me because she's afraid of losing me & wants to leave before she's left. she's afraid that i'll fall in love with someone else, even though she's in love with someone besides me. she thinks its different because she's dating a guy and a girl, and i would be dating 2 girls. i understand that, but at the same time puts me in a difficult position.
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:52 AM
waltzingback waltzingback is offline
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oh, and as far as my relationship with the meta, we're friends. we're very similar and we get along very well. it used to be awkward but it's been getting better. it's just the jealousy that rears its ugly head when they're together & i'm alone. i'm scared of their relationship escalating, like it has already. i feel like every conversation i have with my girlfriend about this other girl, she likes her more and more. and i guess i'm scared of not being the primary anymore, then slowly being phased out.
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Old 08-19-2012, 10:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If this is how it really is? This is not a difficult situation. It might be hard to feel or think about. But you, sir, are being treated less than fairly here in this relationship. Ask her point blank -- are you being phased out? Or are we gonna play real ball here? In HONEST polyship?

Your past to present date? Less than ethical/honest and not treating people lovingly:
  • we broke up earlier this year because she wanted to be with a girl & she didn't wanna waste her youth being "tied down" as she put it, even though she loves me. (Nice way to talk to someone you "love." Be nicer to break up and say she's fallen out of love with you than call you her ball and chain!)
  • we still shared a bed, still had sex, the only difference was that she had a new girlfriend. we were still together behind this new girlfriend's back. (Why are you participating in dishonest? Where are YOUR ethics and self respect? Treating her GF like a person here, or like a thing? Treating you like a roomie thing/booty call that pays bills?)
  • then she broke up with this girlfriend because they had different ideals, but she made a point to tell me that it didn't mean we were exclusive again. (Treating you as less than a person here? More like a thing again?)
  • she ended up wanting to get back together with this girl, but this time everything was more honest. (Really? What happened to mismatch ideals? And I fail to see honesty and kindness shining bright yet. If this is the GOAL -- get to IT!)

Look at what you write:
  • She wants you to remain mono and exclusive to her, because that is what is easiest for her to feel and deal with. (Fresh!)
  • She is not listening to you and your needs for attention/time AND she does not want to Open the relationship all the way so YOU can have another partner. It is one thing if you choose not to exercise your option. Not to have the option at all because that suits her better?(Fresh!)
  • She is holding you emotionally hostage -- from seeking another partner which you seem to want. Because she's gonna dump you before you can dump her. THIS is a valid expression of her loving you so much? (WTH?)
  • You signing up for a contract that only she gets to write because...? (WTH?)

Choices?
  • You can choose to stay -- without any change of terms.
  • You can choose ask for re-negotiation of terms so your needs are taken more into consideration. And if she refuses to work with you?
  • You can choose to leave.

From her POV? She's got it made. Gets her BF and her GF, and doesn't have to do any yucky feelings or process her baggage or grow in any way. And she doesn't have to deal in your feelings/needs too much or be expected to be honest or be held accountable for her squicky behavior. Squick on all she wants consequence free.

And with all this background -- did she cheat on you too? Somewhere in the line? So now you struggle with jealous/weird -- more so than in a newbie but honest polyship because of the cheater/dishonest biz here.

This is fun for you? No. You are not getting what you need.

You guys have some ethics there to clean up for this to work. It CAN work if all are on the same page and committed to moving it forward. But are they?

And again... you might be ok with polyamory. But are you ok with polyamory with HER? We could chalk up some mistakes to poly newbie. Lack of framework. Fine. But are you all gonna play HONEST ball or not?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-19-2012 at 10:49 PM.
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  #6  
Old 08-20-2012, 02:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cuninglingwist View Post
I would get together with her girlfriend ....
What??? That is the worst advice I've ever heard. He didnt even say he desired his gf's gf, or that she had the hots for him. Sheesh.

OP, please ignore all that advice. That isn't poly, it's a recommendation both of you cheat on your gf. Oy.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 08-21-2012 at 09:26 PM. Reason: snipped most of deleted post being quoted
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Old 08-20-2012, 02:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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walztingback: Why do you think your gf is a lesbian? You and she are in love, you live together, you have sex. Sure, some lesbians still do ID as gay after falling in love with a man, having sex with him, even marry and have kids with him.

Personally, I call that being bisexual.

OK, that out of the way--

If your gf is truly polyamorous, she is capable of loving and desiring 2 partners. If she is mono, she will leave you for her new love. Those are the facts. You must determine which is which and not live on in limbo not knowing.

Of course you miss her, after being accustomed to being joined at the hip for 2 years. This is an adjustment you must make, as so many of us here have done. If she takes care to make sure your time together is quality time, hot, caring, intimate, it will be easier.

However, many people new to poly get swept up in "new relationship energy" and neglect their primary partners. Is she doing that? It is unethical. Insist she become aware of your loneliness and does what she can to help you. At the same time, do good things for yourself when you are feeling lonely. See friends more, take up new hobbies or reinvest in old ones, exercise, eat well, work out. And keep talking and listening here! We know where you are coming from.

Do a tag search on NRE here to see how others have dealt with it.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-20-2012 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 08-20-2012, 02:20 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I want to add, you are nostalgic for the good old days when you and gf were first together, in your own NRE, hot for each other, infatuated.

We all tend to do that, remembering the good old days. However, people grow and change. We can't expect there to never be change. Being mature means being able to adapt to the "new normal," respecting your partner's need and right to change, to mature, to discover new options in life. That is your challenge.

And... your gf is being a hypocrite, denying you the right to another partner. Gender does not matter. She might leave you for another woman, or another man (whether she is poly or mono). You're straight, you might leave her for another woman (if you're mono or poly). Who cares?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #9  
Old 08-20-2012, 05:05 PM
musicmkr musicmkr is offline
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I think GalaGirl and Magdlyn made very good points and have more experience with poly relationships than I do. Although I'm basically a newbie at poly relationships, I'm not at relationships in general. For any relationship to work including friendships, work , family romantic etc, there needs to be pardon the cliche, a "win/win" situation. This doesn't mean that everything will always be equal, but the idea is that everyone is getting enough of their needs met that they're basically happy with things.
You said:

". . . she broke up with this girlfriend because they had different ideals, but she made a point to tell me that it didn't mean we were exclusive again. she ended up wanting to get back together with this girl, but this time everything was more honest. we decided upon a polyamorous relationship."

Did you decide on a poly relationship or did she? Did you sit down and discuss it at length, how it would work, ground rules etc? Did her girlfriend decide on a poly relationship?
You said:

". . . it's been difficult. the other girl gets jealous of me & the fact that i live with her & i've known her longer. . . and i'm jealous because she seems to be more excited about her relationship with this girl." ". . . it's just the jealousy that rears its ugly head when they're together & i'm alone."

Regardless of whether you and her girlfriend "are friends and get along well" it sounds more like you both are acquiescing to the wishes of your mutual girlfriend and are going along to get along rather than being enthusiastic partners in a poly relationship.

". . . when i bring up the possibility of me having someone else she says she would break up with me because she's afraid of losing me & wants to leave before she's left. she's afraid that i'll fall in love with someone else, even though she's in love with someone besides me. she thinks its different because she's dating a guy and a girl, and i would be dating 2 girls."

Sorry but I have to call BS on this one, the gender is immaterial. Simply put, she wants it both ways. She wants to be poly as long as she makes the rules and gets what she wants. I imagine if her girlfriend wanted to start seeing someone else as well, your girlfriend wouldn't be digging that either.
This does not seem like a win/win/win situation, it seems like a win situation for your girlfriend.

All relationships require compromise, mutual respect and consideration for each other.
It gets exponentially more complex with more people, but the same principles apply. Unless you have a foundation of trust and are secure with one another, jealousy will always be lurking in the background.
Ultimately though, you have to decide if being in this relationship is worth the pain. I'm wary of giving advice, but if you're really motivated to stay in this, then I think that the three of you need to be completely honest about your feelings, what you each need and how this will work for all of you.
Love may be an infinite resource, but time is not.
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