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  #1  
Old 04-29-2010, 10:11 PM
travislang travislang is offline
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Unhappy advise please

my wife and i are new to this, and was actually her idea, the problem is i started talking to someone and it looks like she and i may end up a couple as well. so now my wife is having second thoughts, she thinking i may love this other girl more, or worse leave my her for this other girl. i have tried to tell her i am not leaving her, and i do love her and would never love anyone more then her, so what i need is how do i go about this situation, how do i reassure her that her fears are not in my plans, im not saying it cant happen, no one can predect the future, but i am saying i plan to be with my wife as well, and to never stop loving her. please help
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  #2  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:47 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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You may already know this part: What you describe is a vee relationship, with yourself as the "hinge" and your wife as one side of the vee and your GF as the other. Your wife and you are the "primary" relationship, you and your GF are in a "secondary" relationship. (Some people object to these labels, but for now they can be used as a kind of surface description.)

I suppose the first thing you might consider is having your wife meet your GF. It seems that when the primary partner knows and, hopefully, is friendly with the secondary partner then many of the fears you describe evaporate. Friendship and understanding between all partners is a big, BIG plus.

You also might consider some general rules and boundaries. Again, some people dislike these but it's something to think about especially at the beginning. Some examples: you and your GF might agree not to sleep overnight with each other. This reassures your wife because she is the only one who spends a full night in your bed. You might agree to see your GF only twice a week, say, and also agree to special weekly date nights with your wife.

Boundaries can be reassuring in a new situation.

The other thing is of course to keep communicating about what is going on. Certainly if you talk constantly about your GF then your wife will start to resent the relationship. But she needs to know enough to feel secure and safe in her own relationship with you, and so that means she needs to know what you are thinking with regards to your marriage and your other friendships.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-30-2010 at 01:10 AM.
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  #3  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:51 AM
travislang travislang is offline
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Unhappy ok

thanks for the advise, i will keep that in mind, as i talk to girls, i dont have g/f yet rather just talking, and trying to find one that i can actually be with. another words playing the field right now.
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  #4  
Old 04-30-2010, 01:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Travis,

Your wife - and you as well - need to latch onto something we discuss a lot here !
"Love" is NOT a competition !
There is nor "more than" and "less than" when it comes to love !
It would seem you both have a lot of learning ahead of you. Get to it

Don't try to drive faster than you have training and practice for. If you do a crash is imminent. Polyamory has some interesting, sharp twists & turns, potholes and puddles. Forewarned is forearmed.

GS
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Old 04-30-2010, 01:32 PM
travislang travislang is offline
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Smile ok

thanks for the tip. we are leaning and continue to learning, i even slowed down, and agreed to take it slow until she is more comfortable. but we are always talking, looking online about it, trying to learn and communicate together. again thank you for the advise, it was very appreciated
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
"Love" is NOT a competition !
There is nor "more than" and "less than" when it comes to love !
Agree with the first statement, but not the second.

It's true that Love is not a competition. There are no winners or losers. Just honest people having emotions and expressing them.

But I do think there is "more than" and "less than" when it comes to love. I don't believe that all love is the same intensity and there are just different "kinds" of love. Even within the same kind of love, romantic for example, you can love people to different degrees. Although they're not supposed to admit it, even most parents have one child that they favour over the others. This is normal. We're not robots, and love is not an "all or nothing" thing.

It seems to me, it's safer to admit that you can love people more or less, and to prioritize your life and decisions on that basis.
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

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Old 05-07-2010, 03:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

But I do think there is "more than" and "less than" when it comes to love. I don't believe that all love is the same intensity and there are just different "kinds" of love. Even within the same kind of love, romantic for example, you can love people to different degrees. Although they're not supposed to admit it, even most parents have one child that they favour over the others. This is normal. We're not robots, and love is not an "all or nothing" thing.

It seems to me, it's safer to admit that you can love people more or less, and to prioritize your life and decisions on that basis.
Hi Cat

I hear what you are saying here. I think this is one of those places where our usage of the language could take us in a lot of directions.

And it gets tangled up in our understanding and definition of the word "love". That's what makes it hard.

When you start subdividing the term into different "types" I can see where you could easily (and probably correctly) also see distinctions between different levels. We might "love" cats more than we love dogs etc. "Romantic" love might seem somehow at some different level than say......"platonic" love.

So it kind of depends on your understanding and definition of the word.

For some in the world the development of the ability to love on a broad scale tends to diminish or eliminate "level" in exchange for "types".
We love equally - but differently.

This in turn leads to different expression.

But I totally get what you are saying - and in the context you've chosen to frame it - maybe it makes sense.

But IS this our best shot ? Are these the boundaries we want to limit love to ?

I think that's one of those personal choices and one we get to live with the consequences of.

If that makes sense.

If we adhere to a model where more & less are primary components then that will be our experience - more or less.



GS
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  #8  
Old 05-07-2010, 07:43 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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love is not a competition. The confusion about what "love" is, is an unbalance linguistics issue. English is the most simplified version of latin, ever, and yet it's far more versatile. What that means is, it's easy to use, universally, but limited to certain definitions. Hence the confining word of "love" which is far more complicated than one word.

Saying "I love you" is kind of like saying, "I see electricity". Electricity is a phenomenon so large, that our entire lives are immersed in it, and barely anyone really knows that. Research it if you will. Love is the same way...The Dichotomy of love is SO HUGE, it would be more prudent to say it's "the phenomenon of love". I could write an article on love right here...but i'm not. In any case, love has multiple parts, so when you're saying, "it's all the same" or "it's all different", what you're really talking about is a quantitative measurement that IS measurable, but that's only a PART of what love is. A core part of love is static and never changing. You should know that part well...

@travislang
1. Ensure you're wife you will always want to be with her, share your life her, support her, love her, and really everything you feel about her. She needs to "get it". So the fact that you're in this tricky situation and she still feels insecure says that it's your job to pound in her heart & soul that your relationships is LOCKED, AND AWESOME. i'm so serious. Think of it like the media or tv. They pound commercials in your brain so much, you probably BOUNTY papers towels are a decent quality, Taco Bell is delicious, and nothing bad things happen around the world because of the news. Be a love commercial running 24/7(besides the time you're with your other

2. You should have them meet. If you think you're g/f is amazing, there is probably a few - a lot of things your wife can like as well. Have the meet, go out with them, LIGHTLY encourage both of them to hang out, and just get them communicating. It's helps alot.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-07-2010 at 07:45 PM.
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