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  #41  
Old 05-02-2010, 03:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Compersion is real and once you feel it you recognize it. But again it hinges on genuine concern for the people involved and acceptance for what they have...all of them. You can fake being nice to someone externally but you can't fake compersion because compersion is something that you feel internally. Once you feel it it influences how you feel about your partner's partner. It makes you act out of concern for what they have...it is essentially an extension of your love through your partner into their partner. When you do that there is only fulfillment and joy, not hurt and emptiness.

If all people can't come together and face the relationship, compersion is unobtainable from my perspective. As always it comes down to what you want. If you want deep integration, family inclusion and openness...expect to work and strive for compersion...otherwise I believe you are merely prolonging pain that would best be dealt with sooner than later.
Mono - as always, wonderfully worded! When you put it this way - maybe I am actually closer to compersion than I thought. Two weekends ago - my DH and Morningglory were having some problems. About midnight - he told me he would be right back and he went out to his truck to talk her on the phone for a while. I sent him a text telling him that if he needed to go see her that it was ok because I was going to bed anyway. He came in the house, held me in bed for a while until I asked him if he needed to go see her - he said he did. I felt really good that I was able to recognize that they needed to work something out, and that I was totally ok sending him off to go see her to do just that. He came home an hour later, happy, relieved to have smoothed things out with her, and very appreciative of me for being able to give that to him. I had no idea that was compersion. I don't always feel that MG would do the same thing for me - but I am hoping that we will get there.

What frustrates me is that I can feel that way every once in a while - but I can't seem to sustain it for very long before something happens and I have another melt down. There are days where I feel I can't deal with this pain anymore and want to give up. I need to find a way to hold on to those positivie feelings for as long as I can. It is a huge learning process! As hard as this is - I know that it is worth the struggles and in the end - all will be great!

Thanks - Kat
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  #42  
Old 05-02-2010, 08:14 AM
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KT that is compersion! yay!

It is sustainable more and more it seems. It takes practice. It becomes a way of life and gives so much back!

good for you!

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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Mono- I had to laugh at your fish tank analogy: I am so the crazy bucket race to the finish and he (and BF) are a lot more let it settle before we continue.
This analogy can also be seen another way....by how Nerdist sees it... when we fill our boys wading pool. We call it his outside bath actually, because we run buckets of hot water out to it and fill the rest with cold water from the tap... he slowly fills it with hose water and I run in and out with hot water in buckets... it fills, and we do it together, but we always do it this way. There needs to be a good balance of hot and cold so as to not burn our boy, or make him cold. But it gets filled and we do it together.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-02-2010 at 02:00 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #43  
Old 05-06-2010, 04:16 PM
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Maca, LR and GG - thank you so much for opening yourselves up as much as you have. Right now, 2r, MG and I are in a very similar situation - and it blew up between 2r and I today. I don't know if we'll be able to fix this. It helps to see we are not alone. I reached out to MG and asked her to talk to and help him through this. I'm the biggest part of the problem so I can't help him right now. As much as it hurts me - I'm glad he has her to lean on right now.

Good luck Maca, LR and GG. I hope you guys can work this out!

Kat
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  #44  
Old 05-06-2010, 05:17 PM
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I'm the biggest part of the problem so I can't help him right now.
No offence Kattails but....knock this shit off. Thinking this way will only perpetuate the issues that are causing the problem. If you decide you are the biggest part of the problem then you will become that. You're simply human with emotions, needs and wants. You are not a problem in your realtionship, you are a factor in it. The equation is the sum total of all the factors. Coming to a mutually healthy and beneficial answer is the goal...the problem is in how to achieve that.

Peace and Love
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  #45  
Old 05-07-2010, 04:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
No offence Kattails but....knock this shit off. Thinking this way will only perpetuate the issues that are causing the problem. If you decide you are the biggest part of the problem then you will become that. You're simply human with emotions, needs and wants. You are not a problem in your realtionship, you are a factor in it. The equation is the sum total of all the factors. Coming to a mutually healthy and beneficial answer is the goal...the problem is in how to achieve that.
Mono - as always I appreciate your honesty. My husband, 2rings, has told me many times that all of this fighting we are doing is my fault. He has said that if our marriage ends, its not because he doesn't love me, but because he just can't fight with me anymore, or because I give up. He thinks that this can be great, that we can be happy and continue to have a warm, loving, till death do us part marriage - IF I can get over my jealousies, insecurities, doubts, mistrusts - accept Morningglory and move on. They want to move forward, I'm having a hard time wanting the same thing. I'm still stuck on the fact that this isn't what I wanted from my life or my marriage. I accept they are in love, but the future they want, is not what I want right now. I'm trying to get there - unfortunately, he doesn't believe or see that I am trying as hard as I am. He thinks that I crave this drama, that I would rather have negative attention than none, that I meltdown on purpose and that I am crazy and neurotic. He thinks that I look for things to be mad about. He doesn't think I have the ability to be happy with this new relationship. He thinks that I like playing the victim to get attention. When you hear something again and again - you start believing it. I know he will probably jump on me for not presenting both sides, so here goes: He tells me all the time that he loves me, wants to raise our children with me, wants to be married to me for life - but for some reason I have moments of disbelief or doubt. I frustrate him immensely! I do have MANY issues to deal with and work through - I'm not saying I am completely sane. I see a therapist once a week and her and I are working on my low self-esteem. I have cried more this hear than in my whole life combined, However, I am not a victim - I have made choices every step of the way. I am owning that.

MG and I have had our share of problems and disagreements. But I have no doubt that the love her and I both have for 2rings will get us through our issues. We texted a lot today and got a lot of issues worked out. Our goal is to work on feeling compersion, while keeping him out of the middle.

The fighting, crying, late night talks are wearing both of us out. He needs to learn to be more patient and understanding, and I need to learn to not "sweat the small stuff."

I can't keep my eyes open - so I am going to say goodnight. I hope I have cleared up my previous post. But mono - I do agree with you.

Baby - if I misrepresented you, MG or myself - I know you will chime in. I don't want to assume that I know what you are thinking - I am basing this post off of things you have said to me today and in texts.

Thank you - Kat
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  #46  
Old 05-07-2010, 04:55 AM
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Kat-

Please take this suggestion-
Go get the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy".
It's by far the best self-help book I've EVER read-and I read them ALL of the time.

Something to consider-

THIS is your life.
The question isn't what did you want for your life?

The question is can you want what you HAVE?

Greengecko quoted the sheryl crow song-hell if I know which one it is-ask him, he always knows music shit.

But it's the dead honest truth,

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got..."

If you went deaf-people would tell you that you have to just accept THIS is your life.

If you became a quadraplegic-same thing.

You are married to a man who loves you AND SOMEONE ELSE-same thing.

It's not about what COULD have been my dear.
It's about WHAT CAN BE NOW.

You can spend a lifetime miserable dreaming about what COULD'VE BEEN (song called that too actually).

OR

You can spend the rest of your life enjoying what you have to it's fullest.

There are ALWAYS difficulties in ANY life, in ANY dynamic. Nothing is PERFECT.

But where you put your focus is what you will create more of.
Do you want to create more negativity and misery or do you want to create more positivity and happiness for yourself???

Don't get me wrong-I'm not saying this because I'm poly.

This is how I deal with my WHOLE life-and I've got plenty of parts to my life that.... aren't what I dreamed that they would be.

I had a full scholarship to West Point... but I got pregnant.
I never wanted kids.... but I have 4.
I was never going to marry a man who had been married before.... but I fell in love with a man who did.
I was going to travel the world... but I can't afford it.

I could focus on those things.

OR

I can focus on the fact that I'm training for the Ironman triathalon, I raised one of 4 kids to adulthood and she's doing GREAT. I have 3 more kids who EVERYONE adores that are smart, independent, compassionate, responsible, respectful and respectable. I have a husband who adores me. I have a boyfriend who adores me. Both of whom are doing their damn best to learn to love as a VERB and not a noun. Both of whom are devoted to our family and learning to be devoted to one another as well.


TOTALLY different life then I dreamed of, but it's wonderful in it's own right-EVEN THOUGH it has hardships.

The truth is-that if I had gone to West Point, right now I might be dead in Iraq.

The truth is that if you don't want what you have-you will have to give up the man you love.

It's that simple.

Either you accept him for who he REALLY is-which means embracing the WHOLE kit and kaboodle.

OR

You don't-which means losing the WHOLE kit and kaboodle......
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  #47  
Old 05-07-2010, 12:07 PM
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I'm wondering what happened to the principle of "in a poly relationship, things should progress according to the pace of the slowest person" or however it was phrased.


Anyone else here remember that? I think this is something redpepper et al use as a general rule of thumb. I realize that "my poly is not your poly" and "there is no one right way to do poly", but why is it that people seem to be telling KT that she needs to hurry and keep up with 2R and MG, instead of people telling MG and 2R that they need to slow down and wait for KT to catch up? After all, MG has clearly stated that she wants things to "move quickly", so there is no assumption being made about this on my part.
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  #48  
Old 05-07-2010, 01:46 PM
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Thanks Ygirl for moving my posts here. I felt bad hijacking Macas thread but I wanted to reply to Mono.

The whole problem of our V dynamic is that each of the three couples involved: 2rings and myself, 2rings and MG and MG and her DH - all want different things. 2rings and I want to stay married, raise our children together and spend the rest of our lives together. 2rings and MG want their relationship to grow and become what it can. MG's husband doesn't want to be a part of a poly relationship. He doesn't want to know details of her relationship with 2rings nor does he want to know who her lover is. There are 3 different dynamics. Actually, there are 4 - the relationship that MG and I are working on. MG's husband and 2rings don't have a relationship (they've met but aren't friends.) Will that change? I don't know. What I do know is that 2rings and MG are planning a future that her DH and I can either accept and be happy with what we do have or not accept and divorce. I'm sorry - I just don't see how this is fair. This is what I am struggling with.

Quote:
Originally posted by Ygirl - - - I'm wondering what happened to the principle of "in a poly relationship, things should progress according to the pace of the slowest person" or however it was phrased.

Anyone else here remember that? I think this is something redpepper et al use as a general rule of thumb. I realize that "my poly is not your poly" and "there is no one right way to do poly", but why is it that people seem to be telling KT that she needs to hurry and keep up with 2R and MG, instead of people telling MG and 2R that they need to slow down and wait for KT to catch up? After all, MG has clearly stated that she wants things to "move quickly", so there is no assumption being made about this on my part.
They have tried to take things slow for the past year - but 2rings is feeling alot of anger and resentment at the restrictions I have asked for to make this easier for me. They are: I do not want him to bring her to our house, I have asked them not to have anal sex (btw - we are all fluid bonded) as it is something I want kept between him and I (he resents this more than anything and tells me that he is honoring that for now but that it will eventually happen) and I've asked, not banned as MG previously posted, that they be very careful about where they go together in and around our neighborhood because I'm not ready for people to know and I'm worried that someone from our kids small Catholic school, in which we are very active, will see and rumors will spread. Lastly, Im not ready for her to meet our friends and family as a friend of ours, but I am working on understanding why I'm not comfortable with this. I don't think those are unreasonable. He does.

Since the beginning of this he has been understanding, compassionate, sensitive, and careful of my feelings. Now, a year later, he is angry and fed up with my misery, sick of me getting hurt and upset over the smallest things, sick of the meltdowns I have and resentful of my restrictions. We are fighting more than ever. Where before I had no doubt we would be together forever and divorce was not an issue, now - he has given me the ultimatum to "stop this shit," stop the drama, stop the negative attitude, stop the fighting or he's done with our marriage. He is no longer willing to help me through this. He's exhausted and worn out from all of our fighting. I have a huge decision to make and I'm scared to death.

2r and MG - please feel free to comment. You both always say that my posts are skewed or misleading - if you feel that way about this one - please say so. I'm writing from my perspective - yours will no doubt differ.

Also to be fair - I am not a victim, I am not a martyr, I have made mistakes, I have done things that are hurtful to both 2rings and MG - though unintentionally. I have betrayed their trust. I have looked at texts between them on his cell phone as recently as last week. I know it's wrong, I know it's a violation of their privacy and I have explained why I do it and I have apologized to both of them. I have melted down. I have made catty comments. I own everything I've done. There are no secrets - they know everything. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a hard time hiding when something hurts me.

LR - I will get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. Despite what 2rings thinks - I am trying to become a better, more stable person. I work and struggle daily on my self-analysis and introspection. I am trying to learn about the poly mind and how it works.

Thanks Kat

Last edited by KatTails; 05-07-2010 at 02:07 PM.
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  #49  
Old 05-07-2010, 06:03 PM
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Wow KT, its going down fast it seems. This boat that is your relationship. It sounds like you are not going to be ever be okay in this. Maybe its time to really go with what you gut is saying and either start bailing or abandon ship.
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  #50  
Old 05-07-2010, 06:37 PM
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I'm with Redpepper on this. I'd say it's time to start looking after your personal future. Sorry, but if MG's partner is that disconnected from this, and this is not what you want or can find peace with, I'd say it's time to look at doing what is healthy for you in the long run. Things change as do the people in our lives.
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