Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 04-30-2010, 06:40 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
but doesn't want to know who, what (details) or where.

Redpepper is one very lucky woman!
Hopefully MG will elaborate. A partner not wanting that information may indicate overall denial which means you are farther away from a calm sustainability than maybe even you thought.

Whether Redpepper is a lucky lady is up for debate....I'm extremely mono which still poses it's challenges. I can be quite the prudish freak
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 05-01-2010, 12:31 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

the reason it works Mono is because we practice a whole lot of compersion.... we burst with it. You burst with it. There is nothing we wouldn't do for each other to make our lives better and more happy. There is no competition, only support of one another.

I agree with Vandalin, stop the catty train and start thinking of ways to do nice things for each other. Even the threesome idea is looking better to me Perhaps the two of you could do some things that are nice for you man and nice for each other....

for example, I just came home to the lawn being mowed. Mono did it so Nerdist doesn't have to worry about it and neither do I. Last night Mono babysat so we could go to our monthly poly met. Nerdist spends endless nights at home with our boy and I make sure he gets his own time out, think of things for our family to do together, and make sure we are moving forward to some kind of happy future together.... that and I dish out a lot.... in more ways than one

compersion. perhaps this is what is lacking.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 05-01-2010, 12:48 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Perhaps the two of you could do some things that are nice for you man and nice for each other....

for example, I just came home to the lawn being mowed. Mono did it so Nerdist doesn't have to worry about it and neither do I. Last night Mono babysat so we could go to our monthly poly met. Nerdist spends endless nights at home with our boy and I make sure he gets his own time out, think of things for our family to do together, and make sure we are moving forward to some kind of happy future together.... that and I dish out a lot.... in more ways than one.
I support this idea. I know J and I try to do nice things for each other. But there is still the insecurities I feel being the mono in my relationship that got caught in a polyamorous marriage I never intended to have when I got married. For Mono, does this always work for you? Do you or Nerdist ever feel like this isn't enough? Sorry if I am stirring the pot. I know I feel good when i do nice things for J. She is my friend, but that doesn't exactly cure the knots that I constantly seem to have in my stomach.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 05-01-2010, 01:15 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
Do you or Nerdist ever feel like this isn't enough?.
I am very certain when I answer this. I have never felt like the time I get with Redpepper is not enough. Our time balance ebbs and flows, I would always welcome more but I do not feel like I am lacking. That being said I am a very solitary person in many ways. I like my alone time and when she is with Polynerdist I know she is safe and their relationship is hopefully being fostered. When she is with Derby I know she is with someone I care about as well and is genuine in her feelings for Redpepper.

Here's the big thing - I was in a traditional mono marriage for a very long time. I don't feel like I am missing that part of my life as I already had it. If I didn't have that background I highly doubt this would have become so deep. I'm quite certain I would have wanted all the family, social and instant community acceptance that comes with monogamy. This is one of the big reasons I struggle with the idea of a person entering into a relationship with a married person before they get to experience what the vast majority has. There is the "grass is greener" idea that I believe will raise it's head. I've been on both sides of the grass. That's life experience that can't be explained but has to be experienced to be understood.

I'm missing nothing..I've experienced it all and loved what I had in the past and what I have today. I'm happy and healthy in what we have.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 05-01-2010, 01:30 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
To be fair to Morningglory - these were not things that she said to me. She said those things in a text she sent to my husband and which he shared with me during an intimate conversation we were having the other night. The fact that a) he told me and b) I used her words on here upset her a lot and she sent me a text yesterday telling me. That is why I deleted my original post - I can't do anything about the others. She does have a right to privacy and I shouldn't have posted that. She's also upset that he shared her personal info with me. It's hard because him and I are best friends and tell each other everything. Her text bothered him enough that he talked to me and our therapist about it then to her. That is not how he feels - he does not view me as an obligation nor her as his soulmate. That is not meant to sound harsh - he hates that word and doesn't use it to describe either of us. He loves us both - equally but differently. My reason for posting that thread was that I was extremely hurt that she thought he felt that way. That she was minimizing our marriage and my importance in his life. Her and I talked for a few hours last night - and got our feelings out. I just wish her and I could stop being catty with each other and stop competing for his love. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. She's here and not going anywhere. He loves us both. Why can't we both just get over it and move on? It's frustrating! I just don't know how to stop hurting, and start believing and trusting.
Kat and MG,
I'm sorry if I passed judgement too quickly. It is so easy to do being not only a Mono Wife myself but one that has been cheated on and betrayed and coming off some horribly rifts in her own marriage where there were indeed women who were homewreckers and tried to get him to leave me. J has never been one of them. Please do not mistake that. She has been gentle and patient through this whole thing and given me my space. When she put my needs above her own the other night and sent my husband home to me even though I insisted she shouldn't do that because that would only prolong all our pain. She didn't listen, but in a very intelligent way. And we were all so very happy over it. She made sure DH understood the situation and made sure he knew she would give him time, but he needed to show me I was still loved first. And that has made a big difference to me. I just can't think of her as someone trying to hurt my marriage. Just someone who fell in love and couldn't help it.
MG I am sorry if I am pushy about how you are dealing with your part of the situation. J has become one of my best friends. And it hasn't been easy. I do hope you can find a way to become just as good of friends with Kat. My husband love grows for both of us, I know it does for me, when he sees we can turn to each other, and not just him. He knows that he doesn't have the best patience with me and is short with my bad days and neediness. But J steps in when he isn't able to keep his head on straight. I think things like that is going to be what pulls me through in the end.
J and I plan lunch dates, where we don't really even talk about DH. We talk about our kids and our jobs and our favorite drinks. And books. And this website. She use to be on it back when she first started this lifestyle. She opens up about him only when I ask. Because she knows I am sensitive and when I am ready for an answer or a comment I will come to her. She waits and just talks about everything else, including her own marriage until I am ready for a question or two. If she has a question about DH she opens it each time with asking if she may ask something, just to make sure I am ok with the topic at the time.
I don't know if this is what you two need. But it works for us. And I think she now knows more about me than any of my other friends. She is even at the point where she can pick up my moods through text and knows how to handle me through the day like that. You can build to that. It just takes alot of compromise and it does take more patience than you could ever imagine on the part of the girlfriend. Good Luck.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 05-01-2010, 04:54 AM
KatTails's Avatar
KatTails KatTails is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374
Default

ak - thanks ok - I guess I wasn't clear that she didn't actually say those things to me, but to my husband. You responded with the information you had.

I think it is great that you and J have a great relationship - I am sure that it helps things go more smoothly. Hopefully we will get to that point sometime in the future. We try, are good for a while, then have a blow up. I'm tired of it and I am sure that she is too!

Good night!
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 05-01-2010, 04:39 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Mono- yes the hubs knows I am poly and in this relationship with Kat and P. He is however not interested in exploring poly but rather ok with me being me. He doesn't like all of the drama I have been through this year and absolutely does not want that for himself. He went with me to the relationship counselor that Kat and P and I have been seeing during the last major blow-up, and though he was there with me to offer support he just completely did not have the tools to handle my emotions at that point. He had never seen me so upset or vulnerable. But he waited for me in the waiting room. Held my hand there and back and when we got into bed that night he just held me and let me cry. I am usually the strong one, the pillar so to speak. Seeing me like that scared him but also let him step in and be there for me. It brought us closer. The reason he said he does not want to know ANYTHING is because he doesn't want jealousy to enter into our relationship. We already have had enough stressors in life over the years: 4 children (teens now); taking care of my elderly parents, the death of his father; job requirements often long-distance stretches of being apart; now a layoff and changing that part of his life(which he is excited about now. It was a battle to get him to look at life in a different way, so often a man's identity is his occupation); our own coupledom bickering with finances and mundane chores. Really he is a very confident, mature man who knows what he wants. At times for me his methods seem too reserved or removed, but really he is just processing it in his own way. So he has his own life expectations. Poly isn't one of them. He is easing into accepting me entering into an outside relationship. He has made no restrictions other than- Don't ask, don't tell. Not denial just his emotional machinations for accepting. For now, that is okay. But I think he will eventually be okay with better knowing and developing a relationship with 2R and Kat. It is a process and he is a methodical person. I think if Kat and I were in a better place PB and 2R would be able to develop their relationship easier. Mono- I had to laugh at your fish tank analogy: I am so the crazy bucket race to the finish and he (and BF) are a lot more let it settle before we continue. We are a great balance because depending on the circumstances sometimes my way is beneficial because shit needs done quickly; most times his/and 2R's methodology is best because it is honestly less chaotic. I am in a good place in my life for the most part. And I was serious when I said I am trying to reign in the passionate responses and be less greedy. Hard as hell for my Aries personality! LOL

Last edited by Morningglory629; 05-05-2010 at 08:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 05-01-2010, 05:15 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

AK- I don't think anyone on here is intentionally judgemental but sometimes a post gets answered before all parties have had their say (at least in my experience). I think there are some very strong opinions on here and most poly (and some mono) aren't afraid to voice dissenting opinions. I am not usually ruffled by disagreement, I am ruffled by people posting an opinion without asking probing questions. This forum is mostly about very intimate, emotional subject matter, and often a post is coming from some primal place in our emotional gut. Often I do not answer Kat unless she asks for it because she needs to vent and get opinions other than mine and 2R's. The post she deleted recently was deleted because instead of sniping on here I called her to talk the issue through. I wish she would have done that first but for whatever reason she needed to get some feed back on here first. (Not sarcasm or being catty-just the way I speak-if someone has a better way of saying that I am sure you will let me know) I told her that 2R and I had a conversation about our feelings and quite honestly that was a private conversation. He felt the need to calm her in some way and intimated our exchange. While I wish he would not have done that, he did and that is spilled milk so no use in complaining. I did take issue with it being on here without she and I having a conversation first. You can imagine if every verbal exchange you have had with your lover is recorded and posted here. Not always a good thing especially in this case. I am ok with where we went with it after the post and I think Kat and I are at a better understanding on the matter. The deletion was a nice gesture but not necessary because everyone commented already. But it was really a heartfelt gesture so I accept it.
Ak/Mono/Kat- we may be on opposite sides of the poly/mono life but we are I think generous spirits in general and we understand when someone is hurting she/he needs a friend to talk to who will listen and understand the situation. So when you or Kat or Tiny(even Mono, not saying you are girly)- share a feeling I am not offended. You actually help me understand the two monos in my life. I do get bitchy when I am painted in a negative light because I am not coming from anywhere that is intentionally hurtful or manipulative. I am not a deceitful person. Sometimes I am too direct and often that can come off as obnoxious or intimidating. I have never been more vulnerable or open with two people as I have with Kat and 2R. So sometimes if I am coming off as disrespectful it is often a reaction to Kat or 2R hurting my feelings in some way just prior to that possibly on another thread or in a text or some other perceived slight. Kat and I have, as I told Ari, very water/oil personalities. We have to shake it up often to keep it from separating the relationship altogether. Then again maybe in the end, that will be how it needs to be. I am HOPING not.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 05-05-2010 at 08:47 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 05-01-2010, 09:37 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Ak thank you for your post about J and you. This was exactly what is the attitude I am suggesting should be strived for. You say it is a compromise but I would hope you see it as compersion.

J felt compersion when she sent your husband home. She is acting with empathy, caring, respect and love for you both. All of which are acts of compersion.

Compromise is when you feel you need to give something up in order to have something close to your way, poly people strive for more love, not compromised love I think.

It sounds like you are gaining a wonderful friend at the same time as another support and person who loves your husband. This is not compromise, this is a result of compersion. You said it yourself, you don't blame her for falling in love. It sounds like you are well on your way to stability and are working through the changes that need to occur to get there. Good for you!

Thanks for saying more on what I said, even if you didn't mean to.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 05-01-2010, 10:04 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

It sounds like you are gaining a wonderful friend at the same time as another support and person who loves your husband. This is not compromise, this is a result of compersion. You said it yourself, you don't blame her for falling in love. It sounds like you are well on your way to stability and are working through the changes that need to occur to get there. Good for you!

I agree totally with the idea that compersion is developing here. Sending the husband home was a very big thing in my opinion. I can't remember the specifics of the instance but there was a night that Polynerdist encouraged Redpepper to stay with me because we had some unfinished processing to due or I needed support in some way.

I am feeling a sense of compersion for both Redpepper's girlfriend and Polynerdist's new interest. I think Redpepper actually got annoyed with me because I was "telling" her how to be a good girlfriend to Derbylicious LOL!
In fact I was merely acting on the genuine concern I have for what they are developing and for each of them as individuals.

Compersion is real and once you feel it you recognize it. But again it hinges on genuine concern for the people involved and acceptance for what they have...all of them. You can fake being nice to someone externally but you can't fake compersion because compersion is something that you feel internally. Once you feel it it influences how you feel about your partner's partner. It makes you act out of concern for what they have...it is essentially an extension of your love through your partner into their partner. When you do that there is only fulfillment and joy, not hurt and emptiness.

If all people can't come together and face the relationship, compersion is unobtainable from my perspective. As always it comes down to what you want. If you want deep integration, family inclusion and openness...expect to work and strive for compersion...otherwise I believe you are merely prolonging pain that would best be dealt with sooner than later.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 05-01-2010 at 10:27 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
abusing partners, compersion, compromise, conflict, marriage, mono, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:53 AM.