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  #21  
Old 04-23-2010, 07:04 AM
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KT I think you are a very strong woman. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. It takes a very strong woman to go through what you are going through and still have enough energy to talk about it. Your husband picks well!

I don't think I don't understand a mono point of view. I understand that you need to find a path that works for you. That isn't mono or poly. I think that you are right. Either you join in or go your own way. Neither is right or wrong. What is best for you is what should be. And when I say what is best I mean *for you* not for your husband or anyone else. Love him or not, if you are not comfortable, then don't do it.

I think you are on the right path if you are spending time figuring out what you want and becoming actively engaged in your life and achieving a balance rather than making it one sided between kids and husband with no time for you. There is no sustainable future in that I have found. I do the same things you do every day. I understand what its about. I still do my own thing though. I still make time for my stuff. Hopefully if you do too you will have a better idea of what direction you want to go.

Good luck.
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  #22  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:50 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I just don't want to be brushed aside and made to feel as I am of no importance anymore. That his love for me is nothing compared to his for her. It's painful to hear that!
He SAYS that to you?

No wonder you feel the way you do. I would feel that way if someone said that to me. And I'd probably take steps to distance myself from that person because that's just not nice.
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  #23  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:22 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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By now most of you know my story - - - mono with a poly husband of 14 years who has a married, poly GF.

I have been having a very bad, emotional week. I can't seem to get my emotions under control - I feel the same way now that I did months ago. I thought I was gaining acceptance, then it all vanished. I'm sick of feeling like this - but I can't get these feelings of insecurity and doubt out of my head. The pain that I am feeling is gut-wrenching, heart-hurting and overwhelming.
Relationship turmoil comes and goes in waves. I still get hit by the sheer loss of my lover, and its been 6 months. It just gets easier with time, recovery is quicker, sleep comes easier. Its amazing how often you will end up fighting the feelings, especially if you are anything like me, and you can dwell in the past, which can create a real maddening tailspin.

I mention sleep for a reason, I am a natural insomniac, I am "capable" of going days without sleep and during emotional upheaval it is at its worst. The problem is, lack of sleep throws the already slow spinning tailspin into highspeed (think dorothy on crack in the wizard of oz)...If you find you aren't sleeping, take some time to figure out how to sleep, it might help

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How do you stop feeling like you have been replaced? That the years of committment you have put in still have validity and meaning? When another person comes in and feels as though their relationship with your spouse is deeper, stronger, more meaningful than yours - how do you not feel anger and hurt? How can you trust a person when they minimize or disrespect your place in your own spouses life? I don't minimize what they have - they fell fast and hard and are deeply in love with each other. I understand and accept it - - - I just don't want to be brushed aside and made to feel as I am of no importance anymore. That his love for me is nothing compared to his for her. It's painful to hear that!
Ok...has he really said that? Are those words out of his mouth? Thats really too bad, and I can understand your upheaval...

Quote:
I am not here to vent, complain or to get into a discussion of why I shouldn't feel this way - because I do feel this way. These feelings are here and they are real. But I want them to go away - I HATE feeling like this! I hate not being able to stop crying! I want to be happy and content in my marriage. I know he loves me - why can't I hold onto that and not onto all of the negative things that come into my mind and heart? I am destroying our marriage with my inability to control my thoughts and emotions. And I do feel out of control. I have never been like this prior to this situation and I hate this feeling.
I hope this doesn't come across as mean, but you have every right to feel what you feel but you have to understand that these are your feelings, you have to own them and take control of them. Regardless of what he said, she does etc. You have to figure out how to take back control.

do you have a way to consistently vent whats happening. And I don't mean to others, but just release it. Journal, art, sports...some way to release what builds up. Might be a good idea to find something of your own that can help you deal with emotional buildup.

Also, and I hate bringing this idea up as I am fairly anti-therapist (sorry to those of you that love them) but have you found someone, irl, preferably unbiased to poly that you can talk to. Maybe a local poly group or poly Councillor...Just another way to consistently have someone to bounce everything off of.
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  #24  
Old 04-29-2010, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post

I mention sleep for a reason, I am a natural insomniac, I am "capable" of going days without sleep and during emotional upheaval it is at its worst. The problem is, lack of sleep throws the already slow spinning tailspin into highspeed (think dorothy on crack in the wizard of oz)...If you find you aren't sleeping, take some time to figure out how to sleep, it might help

Ok...has he really said that? Are those words out of his mouth? Thats really too bad, and I can understand your upheaval...

I hope this doesn't come across as mean, but you have every right to feel what you feel but you have to understand that these are your feelings, you have to own them and take control of them. Regardless of what he said, she does etc. You have to figure out how to take back control.

do you have a way to consistently vent whats happening. And I don't mean to others, but just release it. Journal, art, sports...some way to release what builds up. Might be a good idea to find something of your own that can help you deal with emotional buildup.

Also, and I hate bringing this idea up as I am fairly anti-therapist (sorry to those of you that love them) but have you found someone, irl, preferably unbiased to poly that you can talk to. Maybe a local poly group or poly Councillor...Just another way to consistently have someone to bounce everything off of.
Ari - no, I have not been getting enough sleep. I'm not an insomniac - but I have been getting up in the middle of the night a few nights a week to see my husband when he gets home from work (about midnight) we normally stay up until 2ish then my alarm goes off at 5am. So, yes - I am sure lack of sleep is contributing to my moods. He works evenings Sun - Thursday and we wouldn't see each other those days if I didn't.

No - my husband has not said those things - she has. He says the opposite. He loves me, he wants to be married to me and he's committed to me. He tells me that all the time. I let my insecurities, the fear of the unknown and my fear of change take control of me.

I own my feelings but I can't control them all of the time. That is what I am struggling with. When these feelings come up - I try to not over react but my mind takes hold of them and chews them up until I am emotional wreck.

I tried starting a journal but then stopped. Other than that - no, I don't have an outlet. I also don't have the time as I am a single parent during the week and my days are spent running my kids around.

I do see a therapist once a week who does have some experience with polyamory. However, I only see her once a week and that just isn't enough. And I have not found a polycommunity in my area. I wish there was one!
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  #25  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:57 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Kat,
I am sure MorningGlory will read this so I am sorry for her but I have to be honest coming from the same seat. I know J would love to believe that dh loves her more because she loves him more than her own husband. But she has never said that he does nor will she ever do so becasue she knows that would cross a line and probably result in loosing him forever. To say those things to the wife is completely disrespectful and uncalled for. If he isn't saying these things then I wouldn't necessarily believe them. I know that is hard. I know it is so easy to fall into the harder more negative things. I have done that many times, especially over the last couple of weeks when I have had to watch DH long for her. It was hard to understand that he doesn't love her more than me. It certainly looked that way.
Those comments come across even more as a homewrecker point of view than someone who is interested in a considerate and open poly relationship. I am sorry if that is too harsh but I know that is what I would see if J said those things.
I know the journal is hard. I have to open my online blog here when my daughter goes to bed and my family isn't around. They don't know about this. None of it. This blog helps me tremendously, especially on the nights he is with J. I get it all out before he comes home for "gush time". I have to say way to go on the therapist. DH is dead set against them.
And yes, lack of sleep makes things worse. It does for me. Especially the nights where the nightmares are so vivid. The nightmares are sometimes worse than reality and I have to remind myself it was just a dream. I am still here when you need me. I will be on tonight I am sure. He will be with J tonight for their reunion after their break. I don't even want to think of how intimate and rekindling that will be. So I will be between this site and my book I am reading.
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  #26  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
Kat,
I am sure MorningGlory will read this so I am sorry for her but I have to be honest coming from the same seat. I know J would love to believe that dh loves her more because she loves him more than her own husband. But she has never said that he does nor will she ever do so becasue she knows that would cross a line and probably result in loosing him forever. To say those things to the wife is completely disrespectful and uncalled for. If he isn't saying these things then I wouldn't necessarily believe them. I know that is hard. I know it is so easy to fall into the harder more negative things.

Those comments come across even more as a homewrecker point of view than someone who is interested in a considerate and open poly relationship. I am sorry if that is too harsh but I know that is what I would see if J said those things.
To be fair to Morningglory - these were not things that she said to me. She said those things in a text she sent to my husband and which he shared with me during an intimate conversation we were having the other night. The fact that a) he told me and b) I used her words on here upset her a lot and she sent me a text yesterday telling me. That is why I deleted my original post - I can't do anything about the others. She does have a right to privacy and I shouldn't have posted that. She's also upset that he shared her personal info with me. It's hard because him and I are best friends and tell each other everything. Her text bothered him enough that he talked to me and our therapist about it then to her. That is not how he feels - he does not view me as an obligation nor her as his soulmate. That is not meant to sound harsh - he hates that word and doesn't use it to describe either of us. He loves us both - equally but differently. My reason for posting that thread was that I was extremely hurt that she thought he felt that way. That she was minimizing our marriage and my importance in his life. Her and I talked for a few hours last night - and got our feelings out. I just wish her and I could stop being catty with each other and stop competing for his love. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. She's here and not going anywhere. He loves us both. Why can't we both just get over it and move on? It's frustrating! I just don't know how to stop hurting, and start believing and trusting.

ar - thanks for your support - we are both in positions that few others are. I think being a mono wife trying to accept her husband is poly and has a girlfriend - is extremely difficult. I'll pm you this weekend. MG and I were talking until 10:30 and I was too emotionally drained to pm you last night! You'll do great tonight and he'll come home to you in a great, loving, appreciative mood!

Kat

Last edited by KatTails; 04-30-2010 at 03:24 PM. Reason: Typo
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  #27  
Old 04-30-2010, 04:43 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I tend to have a "simplistic" view at times and prefer "simple" answers to complex questions. I know when I do get "simplistic" I get looks of, "is she crazy!?" and "she just doesn't understand"...yet, simple answers sometimes are the best.

Quote:
I just wish her and I could stop being catty with each other and stop competing for his love.
So do it. You can only control your own actions and reactions. So do it. Don't be catty. Stop competing. It's the same thing when an arguement becomes a shouting match. All it takes is for one person to stop and wait. Person two may take some time to realize that they won't get anywhere by shouting, but they eventually do as long as you just sit and wait. No looks of "get over yourself" or rolling your eyes. If one person says something "catty" don't respond back in kind.

This can go for both of you. Realize when things are starting to head toward the "catty" and competing, and then stop. Take a deep breath. If you realize that you are being "catty" then accept it, say to yourself, at the least, "Dang it! I'm being catty again." Then take that breath and try again. Doing it outloud may help even more though as you both will start to see that you are able to control your reactions and willing to do so.

I did say I was into "simple" answers. This is true, the answer is simple, just do it...the practice of it may not be as simple. I wish you both, all three of you actually, the best of luck.

BTW: is DH on here as well? I can't keep track sometimes.
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  #28  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:07 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
I tend to have a "simplistic" view at times and prefer "simple" answers to complex questions. I know when I do get "simplistic" I get looks of, "is she crazy!?" and "she just doesn't understand"...yet, simple answers sometimes are the best.

So do it. You can only control your own actions and reactions. So do it. Don't be catty. Stop competing. It's the same thing when an arguement becomes a shouting match. All it takes is for one person to stop and wait. Person two may take some time to realize that they won't get anywhere by shouting, but they eventually do as long as you just sit and wait. No looks of "get over yourself" or rolling your eyes. If one person says something "catty" don't respond back in kind.

This can go for both of you. Realize when things are starting to head toward the "catty" and competing, and then stop. Take a deep breath. If you realize that you are being "catty" then accept it, say to yourself, at the least, "Dang it! I'm being catty again." Then take that breath and try again. Doing it outloud may help even more though as you both will start to see that you are able to control your reactions and willing to do so.

I did say I was into "simple" answers. This is true, the answer is simple, just do it...the practice of it may not be as simple. I wish you both, all three of you actually, the best of luck.

BTW: is DH on here as well? I can't keep track sometimes.
vandalin - thank you for giving me something to consider. I am an emotional person. When I get hurt, angry, resentful - I tend to become an emotional mess, cry, yell - then think it through. I have the headache and sore eyes today to prove it! I can't seem to get myself to decompress first, then think things through and respond. That is the one thing I am working on.

DH reads posts on here - but has not yet responded to or posted any himself. I am encouraging him to do so. We ALL have things to learn and work on. I get the feeling from them that they want me to do all the learning and growing so I'll accept their relationship. They need to realize that they can learn things on here to understand me better - if they approach it with an open mind like I am trying to do. MG has been doing that somewhat - but my DH hasn't.

Kat
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  #29  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:18 PM
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MG has been doing that somewhat

Kat
What about her partner? Where is he at in this?
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  #30  
Old 04-30-2010, 06:20 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Hi Mono - I can't speak for MG - but I have been told by both MG and my DH that her husband knows what is going on, but doesn't want to know who, what (details) or where. DH and I both have met him several times - but as a friend and coworker of hers. I'll let MG elaborate if she wants.

And can I just say that you rock?!? I love reading your posts and have learned so much from you! You are always the voice of reason and you give hope to monos! Redpepper is one very lucky woman!

Last edited by KatTails; 04-30-2010 at 06:57 PM. Reason: Typo
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