Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #111  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:44 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
So, as long as your women "let" you think you're in charge, you'll "let" them do whatever they like. I hope that works out for all of you.

You might try acting like adults, instead of playing these juvenile games to camouflage your power struggles.
Sorry to say it MG but 2R's post did come off sounding a bit like that to me too. I wouldn't put up with being spoken to (or spoken of) as less than an equal by any partner who I was with.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:48 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Sorry to say it MG but 2R's post did come off sounding a bit like that to me too. I wouldn't put up with being spoken to (or spoken of) as less than an equal by any partner who I was with.

-Derby
True but don't lump me or KT in there...that is his wish. It ain't happenin! Kind of like I wish I could eat Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast everyday...not good for me but life would be fab if it was!
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:50 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
MG,
God I'm glad I'm dating two men!
Two menstrual cycles is hell!
I am SO happy to say that my 18 year old girl is leaving state for 3 months!!
It will be so nice to be relieved from THAT drama for a bit!

Even though my sister lives here-it's different with her and I. But even that, we avoid being involved in any decision making, planning, coordinating etc during that time.
It's just too stressful to try to get two women to agree at that time!!
Very true! I have three teen daughters and the house is like a powder keg a certain three or for days of the month!
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:57 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
True but don't lump me or KT in there...that is his wish. It ain't happenin! Kind of like I wish I could eat Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast everyday...not good for me but life would be fab if it was!
Gotcha
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 05-25-2010, 10:11 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default

I hear what you are saying ladies.

BUT the truth is that often times the best way to get what you want IS to allow the other person the freedom to give it to you, instead of demanding it.

Take it OUT of the context it was written in and it makes perfect sense.

We spend countless hours telling our children to treat others the way they want to be treated... if you treat someone else the way you want them to learn to treat you-that's much the same thing.

Also-if someone DEMANDS that I give them a part of myself-they can fuck off. Seriously.
BUT when they allow me to be WHO I AM without having to pretend to be something else, I am willing to give them so much of myself, a hell of a lot more than they ever could have gotten by demanding it...

In point of fact there IS power in submitting sometimes. Too often people think of submitting as "losing". But the truth is that done RIGHT at the RIGHT TIME with the RIGHT PEOPLE it can be very much an act of power. It's all in using your brain.

When my nearly three year old melts down emotionally. I don't bother to argue with her. It's a waste of time and energy. I pick her up and cuddle her. She curls up in my arms thinking she won. She falls asleep and takes a much needed nap. By NOT fighting-I won. I know if she melts down-she's tired, it's the ONLY time she does that.
SO giving her the cuddles and love time gets her what she needs AND gets me what I want (her sleeping).

It's all in perspective.

NOW-that said, the way you worded things 2rings-was DESTINED to start a war.

It's like this-read your post as though she wrote it to YOU. How would you react?

IF you are a control freak-and she is a control freak, it stands to reason the things that set YOU off, are going to set HER off.


See what I mean?

I happen to be a control freak. I also happen to be submissive to my husband.....
I have a good idea how it works, and works well.
But I can assure you-the ONLY reason I'm submissive to him is because he was willing to allow me to be in control of my life-and so I learned to trust him and chose to submit.

IF either of you wishes to show the other that you TRULY accept the other for who they are-then you are going to HAVE NO CHOICE but to let control of being able to control anything about THEM and THEIR LIFE.

Not an easy task-and both of you need to take it.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #116  
Old 05-25-2010, 11:42 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
True but don't lump me or KT in there...that is his wish. It ain't happenin! Kind of like I wish I could eat Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast everyday...not good for me but life would be fab if it was!

You're right, I shouldn't have lumped you in there. My apologies for doing that (to KT also). My post was directed at the person who said it, which was 2R.

I should have said "adult" (singular) not "adults" (plural).

And I was snippy because frankly I don't buy into this "O.D.D." mumbo-jumbo even if it IS in the latest edition of the DSM-IV. I'm sure there's something in the DSM that I could have that I could use to justify being snippy right now, but instead I'll just own my words and take responsibility for what I say.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-25-2010 at 11:51 PM. Reason: punctuation
Reply With Quote
  #117  
Old 05-26-2010, 01:06 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,716
Default

I agree with LR on this one. Submission comes for me when I am presented with something with kindness, patience, empathy, caring and a whole lot of understanding love, not when I am told to submit.

I will give you a quote from my client who is seisuring so much she is losing her sight and mobility, not to mention what she had of her cognative ability.

She would say "well, you can't do much about that!"

strangely enough its one of the only things she can say now and is words to live by! Think of what we would not create drama about and what kind of stress level we would have if we lived by her words! And to think she is thought of as a waste of a human by some. I have learned a huge lesson through her. I can't do much about a lot of things but will do something about what I can.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #118  
Old 05-26-2010, 03:24 AM
KatTails's Avatar
KatTails KatTails is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Postive people and negative people both spend the SAME AMOUNT OF TIME focusing. Positive people focus on the positive things-which causes MORE positive things to happen. Negative people focus on the negative things-which causes MORE negative things to happen..
I try really hard to keep this in mind when I find myself starting to have negative thoughts. Not always easy - but worth it when it works!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Change=Growth, Growth=Change..Therefore-don't automatically assume the worst when there is a change.
Assume the best-that GROWTH is coming!
The problem is: I HATE CHANGE! I AM TERRIFIED OF CHANGE! I AVOID CHANGE AT ALL COST! That is why this is so hard. My whole life is changing. The plan I had for our future is changing. What I thought our marriage would be is changing. Not always in a bad way - but in a scary way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I see you 3 write and I smile just a little bit. When you first came on the board-the drama was palpable...but in the short time you've all been posting, the changes are DRAMATIC.
Thank you LR - it has been a very difficult year - but I agree - we are working on this and we have made some huge changes. We aren't done yet - but we are all committed to making it work. Thanks for all of the support and advice which has helped us get to where we are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2rings View Post
One thing that I am sure of is that I WILL be the alpha in our relationship. Before you say "What a jerk!'' let me explain.
You [MG] and I have been in what seems to be a power struggle, but really, the way I see it, it's just as much about trust. And that becomes a bigger problem when I begin to feel rejected because I feel you don't trust me enough give yourself to me. I think you get angry because you assume that I would try control you. I do understand it. Submission is a difficult position to adjust to when you're used to being ''in charge''.

Submit, and you will have the power.
I will happily give you the power that I'd never let you take.

I know myself. I have tried to change. But I know that my stubborn, defiant nature will not allow me to submit to you. And you seem feel a need to be in charge of those around you. It's a bad combination. But it doesn't have to ruin us. Submit to me, and I think you will find that I will happily turn things over to you.

KT gets it. In our relationship, I am dominant. But she is far from being a stepford wife. We work together well. When something comes up, it is almost always a joint decision on how to proceed, and more often than not, I defer to her wants/needs/opinion. Do I have what amounts to a "final say"? More or less. But it very rarely comes to that. Of course we squabble. Every couple does. But it generally works pretty well. I feel needed and trusted, and she knows that she is cared for and that her opinion is important.
I completely agree with 2r! Ok - I will give you that his tone is harsh and domineering - that is his personality at times. However, what he is trying to say is that when you give yourself over to him, when you give him the power, then he will submit to you, in turn, giving you the power. I actually hate saying the word power - because that is not really what it is about. Its about trust, security, submission. Honestly - we have been together for 19 years and I literally can't remember a time where he exerted his "final say" on an issue - either small or large. We have ALWAYS made decisions together - after talking, sometimes fighting, but always talking it out and listening to each other. If one of us isn't happy with the decision - at times we will realize that it is not worth an argument and we will give up the power to the other. I do this to him as much as he does it to me. It's not about controlling, or letting the other person do what they want. It's about being a team, being in a committed relationship, and loving the other person enough to trust them whole heartedly - without question. This works for us. It may not work for everyone though.

I would put my life in his hands anyday, anytime. I know that he would do whatever he could to protect me and keep me safe. He may be the Alpha male - but he is the sweetest, most sensitive, caring, compassionate, open and honest person I have ever met. He would never intentionally hurt anyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
So, as long as your women "let" you think you're in charge, you'll "let" them do whatever they like. I hope that works out for all of you. You might try acting like adults, instead of playing these juvenile games to camouflage your power struggles.
Ouch! A little harsh - but I can understand that you aren't in our situation, you have only read a few posts from 2r and his tone in this post is of the Alpha male. We aren't playing games - we are being honest with each other about our personalities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
His women aren't "letting" him think he's in charge, at least not this one. Quite the contrary hence the drama. And KT is working on her co-dependency and has come a looooong way baby in a short time! And the fact that we are on here posting and getting feedback from others, going to counseling and talking to eachother ad nauseum about our differences, issues and power dynamics is far from juvenile.
I agree with all of this except that I do sometimes let him think he is in charge - but him and I both know that we are equally in charge and will work together for a common goal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
The truth is that often times the best way to get what you want IS to allow the other person the freedom to give it to you, instead of demanding it.

Also-if someone DEMANDS that I give them a part of myself-they can fuck off. Seriously. BUT when they allow me to be WHO I AM without having to pretend to be something else, I am willing to give them so much of myself, a hell of a lot more than they ever could have gotten by demanding it...

In point of fact there IS power in submitting sometimes. Too often people think of submitting as "losing". But the truth is that done RIGHT at the RIGHT TIME with the RIGHT PEOPLE it can be very much an act of power. It's all in using your brain.

But I can assure you-the ONLY reason I'm submissive to him is because he was willing to allow me to be in control of my life-and so I learned to trust him and chose to submit.

IF either of you wishes to show the other that you TRULY accept the other for who they are-then you are going to HAVE NO CHOICE but to let control of being able to control anything about THEM and THEIR LIFE.

Not an easy task-and both of you need to take it.
I agree 100% LR - thanks for putting my scrambled thoughts into words!

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
And I was snippy because frankly I don't buy into this "O.D.D." mumbo-jumbo even if it IS in the latest edition of the DSM-IV. I'm sure there's something in the DSM that I could have that I could use to justify being snippy right now, but instead I'll just own my words and take responsibility for what I say.
You may not like his assessment of himself as O.D.D. - that is fine, but you don't know him. He has been like this his ENTIRE life. He doesn't like being criticized or told what to do by authority. It does set him off pretty quickly. He has gotten better though and for that I am happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I agree with LR on this one. Submission comes for me when I am presented with something with kindness, patience, empathy, caring and a whole lot of understanding love, not when I am told to submit.
EXACTLY!!!!!!

I was going to type more but I can't keep my eyes open. I can't wait to wake up in the morning and see what 2r and other posts on this. He just loves starting trouble!

Good night - Kat
Reply With Quote
  #119  
Old 05-26-2010, 03:43 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
Ouch! A little harsh - but I can understand that you aren't in our situation, you have only read a few posts from 2r and his tone in this post is of the Alpha male. We aren't playing games - we are being honest with each other about our personalities.
I just want to make a point, and I am not judging here. I am very much an Alpha male...I don't use that kind of tone. There are ways to be Alpha and not communicate in that way.

Just saying this since you insinuate that all Alpha males communicate in that method.

Your husband is alpha and has THAT communication style. They are not one in the same, they just happen to overlap

Quote:
I see you 3 write and I smile just a little bit. When you first came on the board-the drama was palpable...but in the short time you've all been posting, the changes are DRAMATIC.
I have mentioned this to MG and completely agree. Its absolutely been a pleasure to watch the evolution of the two of you and your relationship & communication.
Reply With Quote
  #120  
Old 05-26-2010, 05:27 AM
2rings 2rings is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 17
Default

Though it wasn't written to try to stir things up, once I finished, I quickly read through my post and knew immediately that someone would be offended. I'm usually pretty direct in what I say and I've never been afraid to take an unpopular position, but I seldom try to cause offense.
I'd be willing to wager that this forum is frequented a very liberal/feminist/sensitive population and comments such as mine are sure to chafe. I'm all over the board myself. Fairly liberal on some subjects, very conservative on others. Anyway, I'm sure that the idea of a woman submitting to a man really got some folks' panties in a wad!

But looking back at the post that I hurriedly banged out today, I stand by what I wrote. I am tired of the recurring struggles with MG. I do feel that it has already damaged and will most likely destroy our relationship. I do strongly believe that '' Submit, and you will have the power" can be an effective strategy for resolving our quarrels. I wish we could just both be like normal people and get along instead of being stubborn, hardheaded jerks, but I know better. If I thought that I could happily submit, I would. But the reality is, I would struggle and fight and be miserable every step of the way. To think anything differrent would be kidding myself. As much as she's like me, I was hoping that MG might be a little more flexible than I am. I'm not optimistic about that, but I'm about out of ideas. "I will happily give you the power that I'd never let you take" shows that I have no desire to control any woman. But I sure don't have any interest in spending any amount of time with an overbearing woman either. I would LOVE to find that middle ground that so often eludes me.

Excepting this past year, a year in which KT's life has been completely rearranged, I think that she felt secure, loved, happy, and free to do as she pleased.
Reading her response to my post, she hardly sounds like a victim of a cruel, controlling master, a woman denied free will, does she?

My post, directed mainly at MG, is an effort to make things better in a complicated relationship that involves two people that were born to clash and one that was standing too close. The truth is, as much as I love both MG and KT, they can both be real pains in the ass. Our clashes have been frequent and nasty. But we're still working at it, and I think the fact that we are all still involved is testament to the strength of our love..... or maybe it's just stubborness.

Last edited by 2rings; 05-26-2010 at 05:53 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
abusing partners, compersion, compromise, conflict, marriage, mono, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:30 AM.