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Old 08-21-2012, 10:42 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by aljs View Post
I'm on the other side of the coin of stress, feeling like everything rides on me and my employment at a job that no longer gives me any satisfaction, which sucks almost everything out of me everyday (Like staying home with two kids does) So we are kind of in the same boat, but we both react in different ways.
I love prescribed social gender roles. And by "love" I totally mean "hate with a burning passion". You hate your job, she hates hers. The deceptively simple answer is "change it up", but change takes major effort.

So, your wife. What's her educational background? Would she be employable if you could find childcare? Would her income give you leeway to cut back at work or find a different job, perhaps one that pays less but is better for you?

Fixing a relationship often involves fixing the people in it. Address what's wrong in your individual lives and you may find solutions to your discontent as a couple. Then you can figure out this opening-up thing without the baggage that comes with hating your lot in life.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
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Old 08-22-2012, 11:14 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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OK, so let's see. You are both unhappy in your jobs. To the point of depression. Clinical depression? Have either of you been on anti depressants?

Has she been a stay-at-home mom since the birth of your first child? That child is 6 years old. And now you have a toddler as well, with all the intensity and demands that brings.

If she wants to get out of the house and work outside the home, good for her. Why did she go home to her parent's to job hunt? Are you considering a move to a different area?

Time to make some changes. Seems to me the job situation, balanced with your young childrens' needs, the depression you both feel, and your intimacy and connection as a couple, comes first, before adding a new person into the mix. Your wife may think the thrill of a new lover and all those yummy infatuation feelings will fix everything, but, she'll still have the kids, you'll still be overwhelmed by your job, etc.

I hope, with the aid of a couples' counselor, you two can come to clarity on these all too common issues and come to a place of agreement on how to proceed.

Why not try and find a nice babysitter and establish a weekly date night for the two of you, have some fun, dinners out, concerts, long walks, etc. Reconnect, rediscover each others' fun side, instead of just work work work.

If you need to be home for the toddler's bedtime, try an afternoon date after his/her nap.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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Old 08-22-2012, 05:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,343

One thing that helped my sanity in early childhood?

Daycare. It's not just for the working out of home parents! Even part of the day -- I am no good as a parent if my mental health is stressed to the max. Twice a week half day was all I needed to get myself sane again.

I also did house trades with a friend I met via playgroup. One week she comes to deal in my house so my house gets TLC and we get convo. The next I go to her house to deal in her house and we get convo. It was standing date and we'd skip if people were sick or something but it was SOOO helpful!

Before kid was old enough to be left so we could be at NOT BABY rates at a daycare? (Around 3 yrs) I found a place to take the kid -- library times, playgroups, etc. where there were other adults around. Even if we were all watching kids, I could have SOME adult conversation. I also started volunteering at a church thrift store -- because the elder women didn't mind having a kid around or playing with her some, and they felt my younger able body was better to handle lifting heavy things and whatnot. So I was grateful for the mental break and they were grateful for the body help.

We've also arranged spouse days off during the week to have DAY dates. It's so hard to arrange night baby sitting we just arrange ourselves instead. Coordinate a day off and we go OUT together while in kid is in school -- massage, lunch, movie, whatever. Then when out of school? We do the errands as a family.

Yes, sometimes it would be easier for one to stay home to kid care and the other one to do the errands, but the kid needs to SEE both parents pitching in on the house front, and many ways to make it work. Not just that first "let's split up" deal.

So when KID is in these adult shoes of needing to balance Life kid has been exposed to various solutions.

Now I'm sure you are on it -- but it bears mentioning. Birth control -- last thing you guys need is another infant in the pipeline changing up the family numbers again. You at least deal in yours with condoms. She can choose her fav for her needs and then you both know everyone's guarding their OWN fort in their own way as well as the COUPLE'S fort.

Hope you guys are faring better today in your repair work.


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Old 08-25-2012, 04:39 PM
scout989 scout989 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 12

I also have no good advice to offer, but I do want to offer support. I am also currently trying to decide if I am capable of being in a poly relationship with my wife, who is a polyamorous woman by nature. We were mono for many years together, until she started learning about poly. I have to say: so far, you are doing a MUCH better job than I am with the transition. You are handling this amazingly well. I'm sorry that she isn't acknowledging this and supporting you through it.
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Old 08-26-2012, 04:03 PM
Clyde Clyde is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 13

The stresses in your marriage sound similar to those that just about ended mine at approximately the same stage. We managed to muddle through another couple of decades only by thinking considerably outside the box (more like a coffin) we'd built for ourselves, only at which point light began to appear at the end of the tunnel. It's hard having to come up with answers when we don't even understand the questions.

I'm almost sure GalaGirl's advice about sharing more of the burden of making a home and making time for ourselves, if I had received it and been able to accept it back then, would have brought us to our senses far sooner.

What kept us together (after driving us apart) was the kids but also might have been that we feared (hated?) the thought of losing (each other?) more than we feared/hated the thought of staying together--perhaps what some might call love--and the capacity to never say die (rise from the ashes of the relationship each time we burned it to the ground, what some might call being slow if persistent learners).

While I've declared myself poly at long last--no doubt partly to expose any ghosts of relationships that still haunt the marriage--and now wish my wife would as well, we ought to be careful what we wish for. I don't know what her declaring herself back then might have done to me (and hence us)--the others that inhabited our memories, dreams, reflections and sometimes our beds during our occasional stormy separations (sorry Jung) likely at the root of the problem, beneath the usual Sturm und Drang of starting a family. It could be a turning point and the foundation of a healthy relationship or the straw that breaks the camel's back, but is in any event thought provoking and an open channel for sharing your thoughts with each other. Stony silence and cold shoulder is so much less productive.

Last edited by Clyde; 08-26-2012 at 04:10 PM. Reason: clarity
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