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Old 03-03-2011, 06:05 AM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
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Default single or married (your preferences for secondary/etc relationships)

My husbad and I have been having a debate and I wanted to put it out there....

When you're looking for other people to "date" or "form relationships with," do you feel that there's a difference between being with other people who have their own "primary" or are "stray singles" okay?

That might sound complicated...maybe this scenario/explanation will help:

I feel more comfortable if/when my husband is seeing women who have their own primary relationship... the last woman that he was seeing was single but interested in the poly lifestyle...and though she had "dated multiple men" before, she hadn't been in a relationship where the man she was seeing was married and in a primary relationship (her experiences had simply been with dating more than one person at a time).

In any case, I felt that since she was new to the poly world and already felt like the "other woman" (which, in all honesty - she was - however, as we all know...the "other woman" is an accepted title in this lifestyle...) it was going to cause problems later as she got more attached... and that the fact she didn't have her own primary relationship was going to cause us problems in the end as she fell harder for my husband.

So I apologize if that's confusing...but hopefully it makes SOME sense and will make for a great discussion!!
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Old 03-03-2011, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by lovemultiplied View Post
When you're looking for other people to "date" or "form relationships with," do you feel that there's a difference between being with other

In any case, I felt that since she was new to the poly world and already felt like the "other woman" (which, in all honesty - she was - however, as we all know...the "other woman" is an accepted title in this lifestyle...) it was going to cause problems later as she got more attached... and that the fact she didn't have her own primary relationship was going to cause us problems in the end as she fell harder for my husband.
It seems you are asking two things here... what we feel most comfortable in and what do we think might happen with this woman?

Hope I got that right.

I don't search for situations so much as for someone that suits me as a person.

I am not a good secondary. I don't subscribe to the hierarchy well after 13 years of poly. It is a struggle to me to be told that I am to fall behind someone's wife. I have a husband, a mono boyfriend and a married girlfriend. Also another married boyfriends... the first two work out great for me. I am their only attention. My husband is not dating someone right now, so I don't have to deal... and this is perfect for me... if I did have to engage a metamour on my husbands side I would.

My married girlfriend has a husband and two kids. Her husband is very respectful of our time and space and has never treated me like I should know my place. If he did I think he knows I would put up a fight I don't think its in his nature though...

My other boyfriend situation is entirely different and something I need to process with him more. He treats me like a secondary and she does too. He has kids and a job that require his time, and I get that. I think his wife gets the shaft though and I can understand why he would insist that I am secondary to her... the thing is that I require a certain amount of attention and I have laid it out for him what that means... he has said he is unable to give me what I need and we have begun negotiating what he CAN give. Cause at some point I lose interest.

What I require to be with someone is simple. Communication regularly; prompt communication if something major comes up; dates that come in a timely fashion... for him and I, once a month. I expect him to respect and care about my other loves and friends and what goes on in their lives... this requires listening to me talk about my life. To treat me with respect at all times and to consider my needs and feelings on matters that concern me. That's it. To me that is the basics. To me that is what anyone with a primary would do... why should it be different for a secondary. What he struggles with is the considering my needs and feelings part and the communicating regularly part. The first he doesn't think he should concern himself with too much and the second he just sucks at with everyone in his life. As I said, work in progress.

Might I suggest doing a tag search on "secondary" there are some really good threads that might help put things in perspective.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-03-2011 at 07:39 AM.
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Old 03-03-2011, 06:37 AM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
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Well... maybe!!? LOL

I appreciate your advice!

That relationship has since ended for my husband... ( I didn't expect it to last awhile as she was hesitant to meet me) but we've been debating the single/married thing for awhile now (with respect to people we're considering dating/forming relationships with) and figured where better a place than here

I will go check out the "tags"
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:08 AM
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I would try to just gauge if a person by who they are, as an individual, and see if you get along and seem compatible. If one tries to limit prospects to people in a certain situation, it's possible to miss out on someone very right.

That being said, although I'm a solo unattached person and am open to having a poly relationship with a married guy, the idea does intimidate me a bit. I've been corresponding for months with a married poly guy but haven't met him yet, and I realize it's because the idea overwhelms me. I've really only been drawn to single guys. Just seems like too much potential drama to ask for, if I date a married poly person.

But I'm trying not to filter out too much and just let myself respond to the person, not his situation, and acknowledge for myself that dating someone married would be new and weird for me.

I would hope, however, that any potential partner who is married wouldn't judge me by my past relationships, and that he would simply relate to me for my personality and let our interactions and chemistry determine if he wants to be involved.

I would never want to be in a poly relationship with anyone who gives his wife veto power, with the potential to discard me according to his wife's whims or insecurities. Not saying that's what you're doing, but I don't understand your apprehension about your husband finding someone else who would feel an "attachment" to him. Do you only want your husband to find someone to just have sex with him only, but not feel any romance or love or affection for him? That would put her in a position of being sort of a plaything -- where is the consideration and respect for her? You wouldn't be able to control the feelings of anyone he gets involved with, anyway.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-03-2011 at 07:10 AM.
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:17 AM
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I would never want to be in a poly relationship with anyone who gives his wife veto power, with the potential to discard me according to his wife's whims or insecurities.
Oh ya! BLah! I get that its important to discuss and set good boundaries that make everyone feel safe and secure in their position, but being discarded because some other person says so is not going to fly with me either... I think I have come too far for that now anyway. Some are very hesitant and need some kind of assurance that if the going gets tough they get to say stop.. really they should be slowing down and going at the pace of that person rather than stopping though I think.
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:21 AM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
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Honestly, I don't know what I'm asking/saying/wanting in all of this.

I suppose a lot of it comes from a lifelong mistrust of most women... which was enhanced by this particular woman's reluctance to meet me and her telling me that she was unsure if she would ever be able to. I think that only enhanced some of my insecurities and feelings and questions of her motives... which really ultimately created a problem both in my head and with me, which caused problems for my husband.

We've been living this lifestyle together for 3 years now, and I've been of the poly mentality my entire adult life... but regardless - I guess the way I was feeling, was that things with them were making me uncomfortable - her being single and new to poly, her reluctance to meet me, and just a couple others things that I'll save you all from the gory details... that really started things off on the wrong foot for me, including some "omissions of information" and some nondisclosure issues between my husband and I... that made for a difficult beginning.

I think, though, that regardless... a huge part of this whole lifestyle is finding the comfort zone and having open communication...and when something tips that balance of comfort, it needs to be discussed.

I'm trying to learn and grow as a person in all of this... so I appreciate your advice, questions, and honesty.

Thank you!!
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:23 AM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
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ETA: It wasn't my veto that caused things to end, but rather a combination of things that spiraled into her realizing that this might not be for her....

(The only thing that we have "veto" with for each other, that we agreed upon, was that if our lifestyle was going to ruin our marriage then a) we'd have to seriously evaluate the situation (and the very foundation of our marriage) and b) we'd have to evaluate the lifestyle for us... though I think it would be really hard to go back to strict monogamy.)
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:28 AM
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What matters to me most is that they understand what poly is about, and that my existing relationships are important, and that they leave me enough time for them and respect them.
After that, whether they are poly or mono, in other relationships or not, it doesn't matter that much. I would say my ideal situation would be either someone who is poly and has someone else, or if they're single (whether mono or poly) someone who has a very full job (time consuming job, for instance, or a very full social life).
The point is that whether they're dating me or my partner, I don't want them to feel neglected, I don't want either of us to feel like we /have/ to spend time with them. It shouldn't become some kind of chore because they're "needy" or whatever, it should be something positive to look forward to.

I don't really follow the primary/secondary model, so if they have other relationships, I'm not going to wonder where exactly they rank. And as I said, it doesn't need to be a relationship, it can be a hobby or something, it's just important for me that they have other things in their life so that even if we can't see each other as often as we might want, they won't end up lonely and bored.
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by lovemultiplied View Post
ETA: It wasn't my veto that caused things to end, but rather a combination of things that spiraled into her realizing that this might not be for her....

(The only thing that we have "veto" with for each other, that we agreed upon, was that if our lifestyle was going to ruin our marriage then a) we'd have to seriously evaluate the situation (and the very foundation of our marriage) and b) we'd have to evaluate the lifestyle for us... though I think it would be really hard to go back to strict monogamy.)
Oh ya, I didn't hear you say you have a veto agreement... I was just saying.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:31 AM
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I would say my ideal situation would be either someone who is poly and has someone else, or if they're single (whether mono or poly) someone who has a very full job (time consuming job, for instance, or a very full social life).
The point is that whether they're dating me or my partner, I don't want them to feel neglected, I don't want either of us to feel like we /have/ to spend time with them. It shouldn't become some kind of chore because they're "needy" or whatever, it should be something positive to look forward to.
Agreed!

I would feel weird dating a married person in a situation where for orientation reasons the other partner would be entirely off-limits to me, so in my case, if the partner of my partner were mono/straight girl/gay guy. Too much potential for heartache.

An afterthought;
In the fairy-tale future where my primary finds her Prince Charming and they set up shop together, I might seriously consider forming a live-in triad with an existing couple. In that case, I would be EXTREMELY wary of moving in with a couple who are legally married to each other, simply because of the legal and financial protections and benefits a marriage offers. Even more so if children were involved/planned for. It would be hard for me to feel equally committed to in that kind of situation, all though I do realize most couples realize they are poly only after getting married, and didn't get married in the first place thinking 'life-insurance, pension benefits, inheritance claims, life-insurance, pension benefits...'.
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 03-03-2011 at 10:37 AM. Reason: Added afterthought
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