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  #11  
Old 08-17-2012, 10:42 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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I second Cindie's sentiments. It just sounds like he's pretty much gonna do what he wants, and you're expected to come around to the notion as quickly as possible without consideration from him about your feelings.

See how this is problematic for you as a person and also as the other party in this relationship? And then you react in ways that are unbecoming and immature. So much sitdown time needs to be had here. You need to figure out if the relationship as a whole is worth it in the first place.
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2012, 11:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm with nycindie and arrowbound. He's got no respect for boundaries -- hitting on that girl who is NOT into him. And you?

Quote:
1. He thinks the only acceptable response to him finding someone he's interested in is enthusiasm from me, since that is what he gives me. I don't know if I can ever achieve this, even though I agree it would be the most desirable response.
In other words -- "Do what I want when I say! That is the only acceptable here! I like this chick. Therefore your response should be yippeee! Whether you really feel that or not. Because I say so!"

He's decided he owns you AND your feelings AND how you should behave. Did you give him permission to do this? I doubt it!

Quote:
2. He thinks that if I am not interested in dating this girl, I am not behaving acceptably (within the framework of being poly) by ever saying no. I should have given it a shot, despite the issues I raised, or encouraged him to date her on his own since I'm not interested.
The only valid part there is for you guys NOT to date a couple. The rest is more of his railroading you to get his way.

Not only is it acceptable to say "No" -- you have the RIGHT to say "yes" or "no" about who gets access to your mind, body, heart and soul. YOU belong to YOU. YOU decide who you share yourself with. You may reconsider why you share yourself with this guy. He is not respectful of you at all.

Quote:
3. He does not think he should have to "police" his behavior, e.g., not flirting with her after we discussed and agreed (or so I thought) that she was not a good option for dating. In principle I agree with this, but a huge trigger for me feeling jealous/insecure is when I feel like my feelings are not being considered, which is how the flirting made me feel.
Why are you surprised he does not want to police his behaviour? He does not want to HAVE to consider your feelings at all.

He doesn't give a damn if the chick has boundaries.

He doesn't care if you do either.

He wants what he wants when HE wants it, screw everyone else.

I'm sorry if that is Hard to Hear. But he's just... ugh.

You put your foot down on this and tell it like it is to YOURSELF first. Then him. And hold your head high.

No, you are not in charge of him or his actions. He is in charge of his actions.
But you have a LIMIT. And if he chooses to do X, then you will choose Y and walk out the door.

Everyone is a free agent. Everyone choose how they want to be. Cannot be fairer than that.

If you cannot agree on how to be in right relationship and honor that? Just don't have a relationship. Problem solved. And you don't have to suffer heartache with a guy who has no boundaries any more.

Thppt. He's incredibly FRESH.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-17-2012 at 11:16 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-17-2012, 11:09 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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GalaGirl, I completely agree, but he feels like he has done nothing but consider my feelings. I can't believe how we can see things so oppositely.

It is as clear to me as it is to everyone else that this relationship is not going to work out, but it is really difficult to come to terms with that. This will be the hardest breakup I have ever had, and I have had some doozies.
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2012, 11:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Let him own his own baggage. If he cannot see how he's got a messed up value system that costs him relationships -- his prob. He might consider your feelings for a millisecond but in the end his wants trump yours. So screw ya. And when he screws you, he still expects to get a smiley face sticker from you for his deigning to think of you for a tiny millisecond? Wow!

You own your own baggage and get thee OUT of this nonsense. You deserve better.

I am so sorry you are enduring this.

But hard, swift, fast, clean. CHOP.

That gets YOU to the healing place faster than dragging it on. Breaking up sucks for a while before it gets better. But never ending suckage? That's worse!

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Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-17-2012 at 11:23 PM.
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  #15  
Old 08-17-2012, 11:23 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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I know this is just my sadness speaking, but suppose he comes home (he's gone for the weekend) and we discuss and he agrees he's in the wrong on everything...do you think it can still be saved?
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  #16  
Old 08-17-2012, 11:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If he plays you the song you most want to hear? And there's no real change? Just lather, rinse, repeat? He is just stringing you along for more suckage. Is that what you want?

How many strikes on this boundary tresspassing issue is he on? In my world, it is 3 strikes yer OUT. You do not need to be with a non-serious player.

And you are the one actually there, so only you know how many strikes he's banked already.

Me? You SAY you know it is doomed. So respect your OWN limit and take care of your own buckets -- protect your emotional health, mental health, physical health, spiritual health. Don't ignore your own self.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 02:32 AM.
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  #17  
Old 08-18-2012, 01:33 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
This will be the hardest breakup I have ever had, and I have had some doozies.
Okay, it will be hard. Or maybe it won't be as hard as you think, if only you would open your eyes and see the real person you're with who treats you so disrespectfully, and not the fantasy person you keep wishing he would be. Either way, hard or not so hard to do, that's life. You break up, you grieve, you move on and create a better life with more respectful relationships.

I wanted to die when my husband left me without any warning. We were together 12 years and then he decides he wants out and leaves. WTF? I literally felt like the planet would be better off without me, I was so forlorn and lost and felt like an utter failure. It was fucking hard. Well, I survived and life got better. Now I have had wonderful experiences in my love life, which wouldn't have happened if I was still with my ex! Each relationship teaches you about the next, and the next, and the next. So what if breaking up is hard? It is your life raft. It's okay to be sad, to be mournful, but get in that boat and save yourself! Someone better for you is out there if you let go of this one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
I know this is just my sadness speaking, but suppose he comes home (he's gone for the weekend) and we discuss and he agrees he's in the wrong on everything...do you think it can still be saved?
Ahem. Hasn't he ever admitted to being wrong before? And what happened. Look where you are again. It doesn't matter what he says if his actions prove otherwise. He is narcissistic and only wants you to serve his needs. He doesn't care enough about you, look at everything he's put you through. Don't be so afraid to take a stance, hon. This is your life!
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #18  
Old 08-18-2012, 01:48 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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I just keep thinking that I'm in the wrong, and if I could just get to where he is with the poly stuff, we wouldn't have any problems. He gives me full support and autonomy to pursue anything I want. This is literally the only thing we fight about, but obviously, the fights are bad.

Also, if anyone can weigh in on this... I don't know how to deal with the friend who unknowingly started this all. I am going to see her at a party tomorrow, and I guess I can try to unconvincingly pretend everything's fine? Or I can tell her what actually happened, or give her some kind of fake version? I have no idea what to do.
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2012, 02:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I just keep thinking that I'm in the wrong, and if I could just get to where he is with the poly stuff, we wouldn't have any problems. He gives me full support and autonomy to pursue anything I want. This is literally the only thing we fight about, but obviously, the fights are bad.
You are not in the wrong. Though he may have messed up your head. Consider taking highlighter to the tactics at speak out loud.

You keep flipping back and forth between seeing how terrible this is, and trying to minimize his badness. You also minimize your own hurt and your own importance.

Do not play that down like it's a minor thing. This is not a quibble over Crest vs Colgate and just going "To each their own toothpaste!" This is core values stuff -- he does NOT respect your boundaries or honor your saying NO.

This is NOT ethical polyamory.

Quote:
Also, if anyone can weigh in on this... I don't know how to deal with the friend who unknowingly started this all.
Leave her unknowing. It is not her business. Focus your energies on getting YOU to a healing place. Not spreading it thin on side issues. You can always reconnect with her LATER. Unless you plan to ask her for help in getting you out of this or something... it's just another side distraction.

Be honest with yourself here. You are unhappy in this relationship.

Why do you want to pretend to someone everything is ok when it isn't?

Stop avoiding. Do what you need to do to get OUT.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-18-2012 at 02:35 AM.
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  #20  
Old 08-18-2012, 02:33 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You are not in a wrong. Though he may have messed up your head. Consider taking highlighter to the tactics at speak out loud.

You keep flipping back and forth between seeing how terrible this is, and trying to minimize his badness.

This is NOT ethical polyamory.
Thanks, believe me that I am reading every word you are writing and taking it very much to heart. I see what you mean about flipping back and forth, the problem is that I think that we are both right, and we are both wrong, at the same time.

I looked through the pdf and to my relief none of it fit except one, he tells me that I can't expect any better (this sat very badly with me when he said it to me). I think it's less about him putting me down and more about this weird narcissism he displays in certain circumstances; I think in his mind no better partner exists. So he thinks that he is right in all disagreements we have with respect to our relationship, and he thinks this friend he was interested in (who isn't interested in him, or polyamory) would be so enlightened by being with him. I have no idea how he got this way, and it only comes out when we are talking about dating.
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