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  #1  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:36 AM
DarkSide DarkSide is offline
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Question Need a bit of advice/help

Hi.

(if this is in the wrong place apologies and please move to where it should be thank you.)

A little background and then my question. I have been involved with my current girlfriend/wife/missus/love for 6 years and we have one lovely 3year old daughter and another one on the way.

when we first got involved right at the beginning before things even started getting to serious i discussed my wanting to start a poly family/relationship, basically wanting more than one partner in my life and it was all fine and dandy she understood where i was going and she was fine with it. she even looked rather enthusiastic about the idea.

Then as time passed and things got more serious it changed. the enthusiasm over time went away and it went from being great to being ok to being outright unacceptable.

now my question is this. where do i go from here is there any advice about talking to her resourses i can study up on that will help me in any way. any advice to help work out a compromise? i have been bending over backward accomodating her (because i really do love her) but this whole situation has left me a rather unhappy mess.

So if there is any help/advice it would be appretiated.

Thank you.
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  #2  
Old 04-29-2010, 01:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey DarkSide,

Well, I'm going out on a limb here and saying that the answers you are looking for are right in front of you. You provided them in your post !

As with so many things in life, timing is everything.
A new Mom with a 3 yr old and another one on the way is generally not going to have sharing her hubby and all the complexities that go with that very high on her priority list !
She's probably overwhelmed somewhat as it is, hormonal, confused, tired etc.

My thoughts...........

Be patient. Try to keep a conversation going, keep learning together, but DON'T push activity or timeframes. Be there for her to help her handle what she has on her plate already. All things can come in their proper time and will fit better when that timing is right !

GS
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  #3  
Old 04-29-2010, 06:33 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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yup. agree entirely with GS, you are in no position to be even thinking about this at this time. In fact I am finding it rather selfish that you would even consider feeling sorry for yourself You are lucky you are not my husband my friend, because you would be getting a tongue lashing about this one (and not in a good way).... and one of those "whatever" head shakes and blow off hand gestures.

sorry, but you should be considering your family right now. You are suppose to be just good daddy/husband right now, not Mr. loveah loveah. Your wifes "unacceptable" vote is right on the money if you ask me. Give it, oh,,,,, three, four years? and then bring it up again. You could tell her that you feel you have planted the seed and now are letting it go for the time being...By then your wife will be wanting a much needed break, and she should get one. Before starting on the poly train you will need to make sure that you are well connected again with one another and that your wife has her life back. Your family life should be well established before even considering the "poly talk"

Good luck, talk to you in a few years

go be a good dad and husband now.
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Old 04-30-2010, 04:12 AM
DarkSide DarkSide is offline
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Thank you for your comments.

I would just like to point out one thing. this isn't something that started recently. the seeds for this was planted a long time before the birth of our children. yes i am being defencive. But it seams that i need to be.

I came here looking for someone to talk to, that might understand what i am going through. As for being a good husband why do you think i am here instead of having this conversation with my wife?


As for being a good dad ..... i have had maybe 4 hours sleep the last week tending to my daughters needs (she has a cold or some other nasal mucas inducing illness) while her mother sleeps, and i go to work every day.


As for giving it time that is what i was planning on doing.

Thank you for your time and replies.
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Old 04-30-2010, 04:44 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Good for you DS...although this isn't really a darkside for you if you were open about it from the getgo! Anyway, from what I gather this post is just about you finding a place to find some counsel while you are waiting for your wife to have the capacity to revisit poly. You have stated you were clear that you wanted a poly family situation.

1. Why did you not establish other relationships before the children?
2. Interest or curiosity are completely different than embracing a lifestyle, are you sure you weren't confusing the two when you discussed the idea of a poly family in the beginning of your relationship?
3. Did you talk about it more than once? ( I know this sounds sarcastic but it is not, sometimes the fellas think one discussion= decision...NOT!)
4. Are you hoping to start a relationship with someone soon and don't know how to tell your wife of this interest because of her pregnancy and other stressors?

This is a good forum (SUPER-opinionated people) with lots of different perspectives and approaches. I am sure you will find the resources you need. I wish you the best in your search and hope you can both enjoy your lives...unhappy anyone is not a good thing. Hope is alive here.
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Old 04-30-2010, 05:57 AM
DarkSide DarkSide is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Good for you DS...although this isn't really a darkside for you if you were open about it from the getgo! Anyway, from what I gather this post is just about you finding a place to find some counsel while you are waiting for your wife to have the capacity to revisit poly. You have stated you were clear that you wanted a poly family situation.

1. Why did you not establish other relationships before the children?
2. Interest or curiosity are completely different than embracing a lifestyle, are you sure you weren't confusing the two when you discussed the idea of a poly family in the beginning of your relationship?
3. Did you talk about it more than once? ( I know this sounds sarcastic but it is not, sometimes the fellas think one discussion= decision...NOT!)
4. Are you hoping to start a relationship with someone soon and don't know how to tell your wife of this interest because of her pregnancy and other stressors?

This is a good forum (SUPER-opinionated people) with lots of different perspectives and approaches. I am sure you will find the resources you need. I wish you the best in your search and hope you can both enjoy your lives...unhappy anyone is not a good thing. Hope is alive here.
1.) I was looking (not to seriously though) as she wanted/needed time to adjust to the idea. which never really happened.

2.)Curious, yes Interested, yes. confused definatly not. I want a poly family if it is a open V and not a full triad like was discussed in the beginning.

3.) We have had many discussions fortuanatly there is no lack of comunication between us.

4.)I wish. No I am looking to reopen the disscussions around this subject at some point again. but am looking for council as to posible ways of doing it and ways of maybe making myself "understood" better than i did the previous time this was up for discussion.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm sorry if you take offense to what I said Darkside. Its great you think you are being a good dad and husband. I wasn't questioning that, I was simply saying that it seems your priorities are off to me. Why are you thinking about this NOW? You are about to have another child and in the thick of kid land. Shouldn't that be your priority? That and getting enough sleep?

I just don't understand and still think that you need to wait. All you questions are valid, but the timing is off it seems to me.

I'm sorry if you didn't hear what you wanted to hear. The title of your thread indicates you wanted peoples opinions. I have mine and gave it.
As to trying to talk to your wife about this right now and what avenue you should take to do so? Well, I would suggest that you tell her that you are wanting to have the rockingest family with her right now so that one day there might be the opportunity to become family with more like minded people. I don't know what else to tell you personnally. I can't think of one single thing you could say to a pregnant woman with a three year old that would take her out of baby land and into the immense life over haul that poly creates. I really can't. Having been there ... I just can't.

Maybe someone else should respond to this... I just don't get it.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-30-2010 at 12:46 PM. Reason: fixim purdy
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:10 AM
DarkSide DarkSide is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I was simply saying that it seems your priorities are off to me. Why are you thinking about this NOW? You are about to have another child and in the thick of kid land. Shouldn't that be your priority? That and getting enough sleep?

I just don't understand and still think that you need to wait. All you questions are valid, but the timing is off it seems to me.
As I said above looking for some help a ear advice and even maybe a bit of you know what we feel for you that the rules where changed after concent was given. but mostly just a place to chat and ask my questions. as for thinking about it now .... i have never stopped thinking about it. i found this forum yesterday. and that was only after a long long time pondering and agonising about the subject that i actually posted. this isn't something that i take litely. as for priorities, they are with my family as is now.and with the impending birth. that being said my want/need for that additional relationship has not gone away or diminished in anyway. and yes the timing is off (right now) but that doesn't mean i shouldn't ask questions and gather advice and information now and learn as much as i can now, so that when the timing is better i can be all boyscout prepared.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:27 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Fair enough Darkside. Then it seems you have some reading to do and research. There is a lot on here about talking to partners. Try a search and see what you come up with. We were talking about something similar to this on another thread just today actually.

There is lots of time for poly to occur in your life. For me it took 12 years to achieve what I have achieved thus far. I put a lot of work in and waited for what seemed like forever before finding the right people who were willing to invest in me and my dream for family. Before I dated Mono I went on two to three dates a week searching for the right man/woman. Then I found a group of poly folk who started a group to discuss poly and now feel like they are my community. I helped create that community by being involved and having events.

It started much like where you are now, but way before marriage, kids, house etc. I just took a break from poly and did those things first and then got back to my quest when my boy was 4. I got back to it by getting back to myself first and my husband. Without that foundation I would have nothing today. I took the time to make sure it was good and strong first before venturing out to find another family member.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:20 PM
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Perhaps she is holding tight to some cultural and societally taught notions that dads and mums have a certain roll in society that doesn't include other lovers. There are many implications of what we are suppose to be as parents, perhaps these are important for her to uphold right now and she figures you should uphold them too. Perhaps when you first got together and were carefree lovers, she was able to open her mind to more lovers with you.... I wouldn't be surprised if she got back to feeling like that again sometime (like in 3-4 years ). I did.
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