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  #1  
Old 08-13-2012, 06:54 PM
InLove InLove is offline
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Default Going poly?

Here is the short version;

My husband was mono when I met him, but open to other ideas. After we married we both decided to go to some swinging parties just to see where our limits were at. I mean if we couldn't handle seeing someone else kiss, flirt, or touch our partner in an intimate way then how would we handle poly? We went for several months and never went far. We were testing limits slowly. Overall the whole process went well and we weren't as jealous as either of us was scared of.

After months of going we met a couple we clicked really well with. Things did start happening and we spent a ton of time with them inside and outside of parties. I started having love type feelings for the male partner (lets call him E) after a few months. I ended up blurting it out to him privately one night and he said he felt the same. We knew we had to tell our partners so we did. My husband was okay with it. His wife at first said she was okay with it, but soon it became clear she wasn't as okay with it as she told us. She has a weird idea of poly I guess? That we as couples should be in a poly relationship. She really wanted to click with my husband the same way I clicked with hers, but she didn't. They were friends and had a great time, but there was no intimacy. I tried to explain to her that a lot of couples don't share partners like that and it can be normal. I think she just felt left out. In the end, I saw it was definitely not going well so I told him that I didn't want to hurt her so we should stop. It hurt a lot. We stopped spending much time together and while we do still go up there to see them it's just as friends (they live a few hours away). We still talk on facebook and such.

After stopping the relationship I found out I was pregnant by husband (we had been trying). So I got caught up in baby stuff and it was a bit easier to forget the whole thing. We closed the relationship especially since I had some complications with the pregnancy. After giving birth I found out husband had done some things he wasn't suppose to and lied to me about them. No cheating, but it was still against our agreement. So we decided to go to couples therapy just to work through some of the things we obviously kind of ignored. It's now been 2 years since we went to therapy and things are now on the right track between my husband and I. Lately I've been talking to E on facebook those conversations have gotten more intimate. I doubt his wife will ever give poly another go so I'm under no delusion that E and I will ever be able to have the relationship I want to have. His wife is really just interested in the swinging aspect. I have been longing more to try an open relationship again. I worry it'll be a big fail again though. Now we live in a small town so it's going to be a lot harder to find "poly people". That was one of the reasons we tried the swinging parties because we had no ins for poly groups or people. Did anyone else fail hard the first time, but was able to make it work the second? Was it a mistake to go to the swinging parties (they were alot of fun!)? I've read opening up, but somehow I didn't really like it all that much. I guess I'm looking for any helpful advice or tips? I'd love to hear from those of you who live in a small town.

Last edited by InLove; 08-14-2012 at 01:40 AM.
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  #2  
Old 08-14-2012, 08:26 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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First up, welcome to the forum. And thank you for sharing your story with us. It's interesting that you went the way you did, and I think that it was great that you discussed it together and agreed to try things.

Before I get to your questions at the end, I have one point about something you said...

Quote:
Originally Posted by InLove View Post
After giving birth I found out husband had done some things he wasn't suppose to and lied to me about them. No cheating, but it was still against our agreement.
So you and he had talked about and come to an agreement on some acceptable behaviours - you developed your own rules for the relationship, in other words. He broke those rules. By my definition, that is cheating on your relationship. It destroys the trust between you and damages the bond that you have.

I hope that makes sense, because we have had that "cheating" debate often in the past.


Related to that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by InLove View Post
Lately I've been talking to E on facebook those conversations have gotten more intimate.
Does his wife know that you are doing this and is what he is doing with you online something that his wife would consider breaking the rules of *their* agreement? If she doesn't know or doesn't agree to it, then he is quite possibly cheating on his wife with you. "Cheating" really doesn't have to involve orgasms - it's about breaking the agreements or vows that you made each other.

(Had one guy I spoke to get a handjob from a sex worker when away on business and claimed that it wasn't cheating on his wife because he didn't know the girl, had paid for it, and it wasn't intercourse - I wonder if his wife would have felt the same way about that?)


Quote:
Originally Posted by InLove View Post
Did anyone else fail hard the first time, but was able to make it work the second?
Yes, fail hard the first time, and I wouldn't say that the second was a resounding success, either - each time, though, it got better and better. You folks have a head start on where I was at the time, so it may not take as many "learning experiences" for you to feel like it's working well for you. That having been said, nothing is ever perfect - there are always going to be times when you struggle a bit, but that doesn't mean that it's not working.

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Originally Posted by InLove View Post
Was it a mistake to go to the swinging parties (they were alot of fun!)?
I don't think so, no. Did you enjoy it? Did you learn from it? Did you meet folks that helped you explore what you did and didn't want? Sounds like your answer was "yes" to all of those. So how could that be a mistake?

The question now is, knowing what your needs, wants and likes now are, whether the swing parties would still give you either fun or learning, or if they will feel empty, because you are wanting more?

Quote:
Originally Posted by InLove View Post
I've read opening up, but somehow I didn't really like it all that much.
I have to say, I wasn't a big fan either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InLove View Post
I guess I'm looking for any helpful advice or tips? I'd love to hear from those of you who live in a small town.
Upstate New York, where I live, is riddled with small towns. We have poly folks spread all over the rural areas. The trick is finding them!

I don't know what part of the country you are in, but there may be a poly group in a larger city nearby. Join up and get involved, and you may find that there are some poly folks "out in the sticks" that you wouldn't have found otherwise.

I really wish you luck on your journey.
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  #3  
Old 08-14-2012, 10:18 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Opening Up was only useful to me in the couple of chapters that give a large quantity of suggestions for topics to CONSIDER discussing when making boundaries. Because there were topics suggested that we wouldn't have thought of until too late.

BUT-I found Love Without Limits II by Deborah Anapol MUCH more useful and also, The 7 Levels of Intimacy-can't recall author-but it's on my blog... (which is not about poly-just about relationships).

Those two books are my absolute all time favorites and I have found them helpful in EVERY relationship of EVERY type and ESPECIALLY regarding my polydynamic.
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:21 AM
InLove InLove is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So you and he had talked about and come to an agreement on some acceptable behaviours - you developed your own rules for the relationship, in other words. He broke those rules. By my definition, that is cheating on your relationship. It destroys the trust between you and damages the bond that you have.

I hope that makes sense, because we have had that "cheating" debate often in the past.
I think it's hard for me to see it as cheating because it wasn't physical, but it definitely was emotional so I suppose it is cheating in some form. It's kind of hard to wrap your head around when society has it's own "definitions" of cheating, ya know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post

Does his wife know that you are doing this and is what he is doing with you online something that his wife would consider breaking the rules of *their* agreement? If she doesn't know or doesn't agree to it, then he is quite possibly cheating on his wife with you. "Cheating" really doesn't have to involve orgasms - it's about breaking the agreements or vows that you made each other.

(Had one guy I spoke to get a handjob from a sex worker when away on business and claimed that it wasn't cheating on his wife because he didn't know the girl, had paid for it, and it wasn't intercourse - I wonder if his wife would have felt the same way about that?)
Yes, she's aware. We are still friends so I checked with her when things started going back towards flirting. We've discussed her boundaries.


Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Yes, fail hard the first time, and I wouldn't say that the second was a resounding success, either - each time, though, it got better and better. You folks have a head start on where I was at the time, so it may not take as many "learning experiences" for you to feel like it's working well for you. That having been said, nothing is ever perfect - there are always going to be times when you struggle a bit, but that doesn't mean that it's not working.

I don't think so, no. Did you enjoy it? Did you learn from it? Did you meet folks that helped you explore what you did and didn't want? Sounds like your answer was "yes" to all of those. So how could that be a mistake?

The question now is, knowing what your needs, wants and likes now are, whether the swing parties would still give you either fun or learning, or if they will feel empty, because you are wanting more?

I have to say, I wasn't a big fan either.

Upstate New York, where I live, is riddled with small towns. We have poly folks spread all over the rural areas. The trick is finding them!

I don't know what part of the country you are in, but there may be a poly group in a larger city nearby. Join up and get involved, and you may find that there are some poly folks "out in the sticks" that you wouldn't have found otherwise.

I really wish you luck on your journey.
I think I did at least get to test my own limits. Somehow I feared I'd be insanely jealous because when I was younger I had issues with being needy. If anything it allowed me to just take it as slow as I want and everyone was understanding when I said we can't go further than X. Eventually once the training wheels were off I saw how much it wasn't that big of a deal for me emotionally. My husband actually had the opposite feeling as he was not jealous at all and ended up being a little jealous. We worked through that. So I do think it helped at least see where our boundaries were and smooth out some bumps. However all that being said you are right about the empty feeling I really feel like I've moved past them. I like the fun casual sex, but I really want to make some real connections. Losing E was kind of a wake up call on that I think.

In a small town do you ever worry that someone is going to "find out" and actually say something? I worry sometimes as silly as that is. My parents don't live out here and neither do my husbands so that's safe, but we do have a child. I kind of worry about that especially since he's starting school. I'm definitely going to check the nearest city for a group.

Thanks for the book recommendations to the both of you. I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't like it.
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