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  #41  
Old 09-15-2012, 03:29 AM
Dolly Dolly is offline
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This is a tough question. I have to go with my own experiences to answer this one. I fell in love with, and married, an undiagnosed bipolar. It was hell for the first several years (pre-diagnosis and treatment), as I did not know how to help him. Bottom line was, I loved him, so I stuck by him because I wanted to help him face the demons. It sure was an emotional rollercoaster back then, but 23 years later, we are still married.

I made a choice to stay with him and not abandon him. He had no idea why he acted the way he did. I could see how tormented he was by his actions and how it affected us. Serendipity smiled on us the day I got a position working for a crisis stabilization unit. The very first day, I encountered someone suffering from manic depression,and the "ah-ha" moment hit--hubby wasn't suffering from just depression--he was bi-polar.

You can't choose who you fall in love with; you can only choose whether or not you will stay in love.

Good topic!

~Dolly
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  #42  
Old 09-16-2012, 07:35 AM
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Glitter Glitter is offline
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My mother is bipolar, and I am sure that Storm is as well. We all have our issues, and sometimes they are very difficult to deal with. But, I love them both and enjoy the good times, which highly outweigh the bad. Plus we're all seeing a Psy Dr, so there is not good reason for anyone to outright deny a relationship where anyone has mental illness. Hell, even SAD is considered a mental illness But, as many here have said, as long as it is not violent or threatening to anyone's health (mental/physical/etc), I see no reason to dis-include someone based solely upon a MH diagnosis.
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  #43  
Old 09-16-2012, 05:15 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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For me, I think I could try to be understanding and work through almost anything, provided that the person was taking whatever steps they needed to take to make the most of their position and getting whatever help they needed.

From some experience with personality disorders in my group of friends (one borderline and one histrionic [the histrionic actually diagnosed]), those are the group of disorders I'm least likely to be willing to deal with in the future. It is frustrating and painful more often than not.
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  #44  
Old 09-17-2012, 11:06 AM
Papillon Papillon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dolly View Post
I fell in love with, and married, an undiagnosed bipolar.
Me too!

I'm actually the only person in my current poly configuration who doesn't have a diagnosed mental illness. My husband is bipolar, his girlfriend has depression, and my boyfriend has depression & anxiety.

My opinion? It's tough but it depends on the severity of the condition and how the various people handle it. My husband is sooooo much easier to live with post diagnosis and treatment, and it has enabled him to reconcile with various friends he had lost because of his previous behaviour too.
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  #45  
Old 01-28-2013, 02:35 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Is a diagnosable mental illness a red flag for you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
To answer my own question:

Yes, IF
A the person afflicted has not sought any treatment or kept up with treatment in the last year
B us being together and/or being poly has for the last two years objectively made them worse
C if their condition is very similar to mine, involves a lot of mood swings and shifts in identity
D they are using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate
Oh, BlackUnicorn, over the years Ive appreciated your input on this board so much, and when I read this I thought: "A friend is going through rough shit!" A later comment from you indicates that you have your own mental issues to deal with.
Quote:
I have a score of hard to manage mental conditions atm, but I been told that they should lessen considerably or disappear entirely after two years.
and I havent finished reading the whole thread [yet] so Im not sure which direction youre coming from, whether youre considering red-flagging someone for whom you have strong feelings; someone who cares for you is considering red-flagging you; or both. Perhaps its just as well: not knowing makes us give an unbiased answer. But before reading further I first wanted to send you this
HUG
Now to get to your questions: After years of being conversant with the term bi-polar and a whole life of having depressive spells, I finally (years ago) had the courage to admit to myself that I - in fact - am bi-polar. I dont get violent, my friends cherish me as I am, as far as I know nobody else suffers because of my condition, I hate the idea of meds (when there are alternatives and in my case Im convinced that there are... and they work).

I used to think that I always fell in love with the most amazing people. And, of course, they WERE/ARE amazing. But once an old, old friend of mine made a comment: "Js found another of his broken-winged girlfriends." That made me stop and think about it, and I had to accept that she - too - was right. So - to finally get around to answering your question - maybe I dont see the red flags. Or maybe Im colour-blind and see the flags as green (and shimmering). I can empathise with
Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I am typically drawn to people with "issues". I don't know why it is, but I always have been. It should be a red flag, but my nature is to help everyone I can "get better" and even though I'm not at all equipped to do that, I still try.

I'm not really sure what our responses are supposed to be here, but my short answer is "no".
I do think that Id steer clear (romantic/sexual/partner-wise) from somebody who had REALLY serious problems, problems that stood a good chance of destroying me emotionally. But even some of the amazing people have had a good shot at doing that.
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  #46  
Old 01-28-2013, 06:08 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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May I share with you 2 videos that I saw (coincidence!!!) this morning?

I so "fell in love" with this lovely person that I was asking myself: "Would I be willing to share a bed with someone who was so physically active?"*

Touretteshero Emergency Broadcast

This Morning 9th May 2012 - Touretteshero

I dont know if Touretteshero takes meds... but no doubt about taking full responsibility for / control of the syndrome.

Coincidence because I saw them this morning (the same day as this thread), NOT because I saw them both: the first led me to search out the second.

* Hypothetical question, but to-the-point re: this thread... How much are you willing to take on for Love?

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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #47  
Old 01-29-2013, 10:24 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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It is a flag for me I am afraid. I think Poly 'can be' really stressful and I don't know if it is a good idea to increase one's life stress by living a more complicated lifestyle but, that is just my opinion.
As it is I have one of those empathic personalities which finds depressive people very difficult to handle, it affects my peace of mind and I am attracted to positivity. I have very little patience with over anxious people either. So I guess I am not really wired to be compatible with a person who has mental health problems.

I realise in the Poly community I am probably a rare bird but that is just me.
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  #48  
Old 01-30-2013, 03:20 AM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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I don't think it would be a problem if the person you want to be involved with or are involved with takes care of themselves (with therapy, pills, whatever works for them, etc).

I'm currently involved with T, and he has Tourette's and another mental issue but has taken control of his disabilities and he controls them, not the other way around. I admire him for that.

On the other hand, unless you feel the need to help someone with issues and you have the willingness to be hurt if things don't turn out, than all power to you.

Don't know if this adds anything to the conversation, but it's my two cents. =)
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  #49  
Old 01-30-2013, 08:49 AM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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In and of itself alone, a diagnosis of any sort would never deter me from being friends with or pursuing a relationship. What would worry me, and be a red flag, is anyone using medications to treat a diagnosed mental illness. From my experiences and of those in my family, I am against medications. Unless every cognitive, behavioral, counseling, (you name it) was tried and someone still wanted to try drugs to relieve symptoms, until then I would not support someone using drugs to suppress themselves. I have a very strong opinion on this.

This links into how I will not date anyone who uses recreational drugs or drinks alcohol. You can be my friend and do those things, but don't do them around me at all. And I do think a lot of people use alcohol way too much to cover up problems rather than deal with them.

I'm not against drugs for physical illnesses. And yes some mental illnesses possibly have physical roots, but in my experience drugs are only a bandage that needs to be reapplied every day. Being dependent on medication is never a cure. Not that I believe in cures, but someone who takes control of their own thoughts and actions with their own willpower (and support) is what I value and look for.

I would much rather talk with my partner and be part of helping them on a daily basis for any mental illness they may have. If they had a or desired to have a plan of action I would do all I could to help. I suppose the general advice you can read about on the internet says that how you handle yourself as a single person is important. And something along the lines of you should choose partners who can live alone and function fine by themselves. I see this type of advice and philosophy a lot, and I don't believe it at all. Humans are social creatures who need each other. How my partners are codependent on me, and vice versa, is something I want out of life. Hope that makes sense for anyone that reads this.
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Last edited by Velvet; 01-30-2013 at 08:54 AM. Reason: typo...
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  #50  
Old 02-03-2013, 08:46 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
...
I used to think that I always fell in love with the most amazing people. And, of course, they WERE/ARE amazing. But once an old, old friend of mine made a comment: "Js found another of his broken-winged girlfriends." That made me stop and think about it, and I had to accept that she - too - was right. So - to finally get around to answering your question - maybe I dont see the red flags. Or maybe Im colour-blind and see the flags as green (and shimmering). I can empathise with

I do think that Id steer clear (romantic/sexual/partner-wise) from somebody who had REALLY serious problems, problems that stood a good chance of destroying me emotionally. But even some of the amazing people have had a good shot at doing that.
MrFFR,

I just had to note this. It reminded me of what my dad said to me once. We were having a deep conversation about relationships. My outing as poly has given us to some interesting conversations; also, in his dotage, he reflects, and wants to understand more about who we were and how that got us to who we are.

He said, almost as if it was a revelation, 'I guess I sort of get blind to these things when I fall in love.' I snarked out, 'YA THINK?' Because, of course, the rest of us see it clearly. *sigh*

I dunno, maybe just to say you're so not alone. And nice for me to hear it from someone else. It makes it more real for me (which is odd, but there y'are)

thanks
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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