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  #1  
Old 08-03-2012, 11:40 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Default Loneliness with Traveling Lover

Hello everyone,
This is my first post here. Looking forward to being a part of the community.

Basically, my partner and I recently (a few months ago) moved our closed relationship into an open poly relationship. It was only theoretical and flirting until her trip to europe. Through her trip to europe she met another guy and i began to feel a bit of jealousy, but knew that would be a part of the growing process and bit the bullet. I eventually got over the jealousy. Right now their situation is moving to sex though. Which I am okay with too, it simply leaves me feeling extra lonely. I have made no intimate connections this summer. Basically, just not fun being in our room alone. Luckily she returns in two-weeks.

Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this?

Thanks,
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  #2  
Old 08-03-2012, 11:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes and no?

My "V" went from local BF1 and LDR BF2 to LDR BF1 and LDR BF2. So I went from ONE long distance relationship to TWO. And no local. Ugh.

Then later still when it was just 2 of us and not 3, BF1 was traveling a lot for work. Hardly around so practically LDR again.

I would try to be with friends, get out on my own, etc. But in the night, it's hard to lay awake missing your lover.

My sympathies.

*hugs*

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-04-2012 at 02:58 AM.
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  #3  
Old 08-04-2012, 12:17 AM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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o_o I think I get the gist?
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  #4  
Old 08-14-2012, 04:09 AM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Update:
She returns tomorrow. Tonight, we talked about some stuff. She isn't sure about poly anymore because she doesn't like having to leave him? I can tell she loves him, which I am okay with. Sometimes some of her words appear a bit comparative between us, which I could live with out, but we can work through.

The thing that bothers me is that she tells me about some of their intimate situations in depth. Then follows by asking me if when she returns we an be monogamous again. Then following that with more sexual intimate details about what they did. I find this all troublesome and, in combination with her strong feelings for him, rather upsetting.

From my point of view, if she doesn't want to be involved with other people she doesn't have to be, but I don't think I should feel compelled to give up my freedom. Especially, when I have supported her in this exploration of a new interest.

Does anyone have some thoughts or opinions?
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:19 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
Update:
She returns tomorrow. Tonight, we talked about some stuff. She isn't sure about poly anymore because she doesn't like having to leave him? I can tell she loves him, which I am okay with. Sometimes some of her words appear a bit comparative between us, which I could live with out, but we can work through.
Love/NRE - totally different things - do you have a semi-objective idea about which this is? Are you sure you can "tell?" I don't know how long she'd known him before you posted on the 3rd saying they were just becoming sexual but - I imagine if you were totally immersed in spending time with somebody every single day as if you were monogamous you would be more aware of not wanting to leave somebody because it seems so..."important" - things can be less intense with local partners in general since you have to balance things from the beginning, which is why some people don't like long distance relationships. If she was seeing him a couple times a week but you the other nights, it might feel less of a big deal to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
Update:
The thing that bothers me is that she tells me about some of their intimate situations in depth. Then follows by asking me if when she returns we an be monogamous again. Then following that with more sexual intimate details about what they did. I find this all troublesome and, in combination with her strong feelings for him, rather upsetting.
Then you should've said that ASAP about what was OK for her to share with you, but since you didn't, draw your boundaries now. My first marriage ended because instead of my ex saying "I feel this" in regards to my first extra-marital relationship so he didn't rock the boat, he kept it to himself and bad things happened (as in 24 hours later). #1 in any relationship is going to be honesty. It sounds like this is two parts
1 - she's telling me about her private experiences - maybe he doesn't want you to know and she doesn't have the OK to disclose? If she was more sensitive she might have asked if you want to hear? (it seems pretty naive or rude to not ask about what your comfort level is). Also she might be rubbing it in/trying to elicit jealousy? Tell her what is making you uncomfortable, and ask her to keep those things to herself if they have no useful reason to be brought up.
2 - she seeks assurance that you are not interested in seeing anybody and would like to close the relationship when she gets back. Well, is that OK? You haven't met anybody, you won't be breaking anybodies heart if you go back to being closed. Of course I imagine you were at least part of the decision to open the relationship - so it sounds like you do not want to be monogamous again, even if nothing happens, you want to be open? Have you asked her WHY she wants to close the relationship since she has experienced being open, is she afraid you'll make a connection like she did, is it because she has decided having other connections lead to sorrow, is it because of something else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
Update:
From my point of view, if she doesn't want to be involved with other people she doesn't have to be, but I don't think I should feel compelled to give up my freedom. Especially, when I have supported her in this exploration of a new interest.

Does anyone have some thoughts or opinions?
Well sure, you aren't compelled, what do you want?
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  #6  
Old 08-14-2012, 12:24 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Quote:
Love/NRE - totally different things - do you have a semi-objective idea about which this is? Are you sure you can "tell?" I don't know how long she'd known him before you posted on the 3rd saying they were just becoming sexual but - I imagine if you were totally immersed in spending time with somebody every single day as if you were monogamous you would be more aware of not wanting to leave somebody because it seems so..."important" - things can be less intense with local partners in general since you have to balance things from the beginning, which is why some people don't like long distance relationships. If she was seeing him a couple times a week but you the other nights, it might feel less of a big deal to her.
I suppose this becomes a bit about semantics and how one might define love, but NRE could play a role as well. They have been spending a lot of time together for about 2 months straight with the sexual stuff beginning somewhere in the last third. I definitely agree that if I was around it might have been different, but I wasn't and I don't really want to limit things like that. That may be a limit she needs for herself though. We can talk about that. Although, the feeling like it was a monogamous situation may have been why in the end of it makes her feel uncomfortable or upset.

Quote:
Then you should've said that ASAP about what was OK for her to share with you, but since you didn't, draw your boundaries now. My first marriage ended because instead of my ex saying "I feel this" in regards to my first extra-marital relationship so he didn't rock the boat, he kept it to himself and bad things happened (as in 24 hours later). #1 in any relationship is going to be honesty. It sounds like this is two parts
1 - she's telling me about her private experiences - maybe he doesn't want you to know and she doesn't have the OK to disclose? If she was more sensitive she might have asked if you want to hear? (it seems pretty naive or rude to not ask about what your comfort level is). Also she might be rubbing it in/trying to elicit jealousy? Tell her what is making you uncomfortable, and ask her to keep those things to herself if they have no useful reason to be brought up.
2 - she seeks assurance that you are not interested in seeing anybody and would like to close the relationship when she gets back. Well, is that OK? You haven't met anybody, you won't be breaking anybodies heart if you go back to being closed. Of course I imagine you were at least part of the decision to open the relationship - so it sounds like you do not want to be monogamous again, even if nothing happens, you want to be open? Have you asked her WHY she wants to close the relationship since she has experienced being open, is she afraid you'll make a connection like she did, is it because she has decided having other connections lead to sorrow, is it because of something else?
1- Yeah, sometimes she can be insensitive and I usually try to point out that she is being that way. The thing is I don't really mind hearing about it, but with the combination of asking me if we can go back to monogamy it stirs my emotions and makes it hard to hear. I will have to do a better job of communicating when I don't feel like hearing about it any longer. She does talk about him a lot since she spent a lot of time with him recently. Generally, her and I talk about everything, so communication is rather good between us. Also, she may be trying to illicit jealousy. She has done things to illicit jealousy before and I have pointed it out her without getting upset. If that is that case what would you recommend me do?

2- I definitely don't want to go back to having a monogamous relationship, at the moment, even if nothing happens. Yes, I was part of the decision to be open. I brought up the idea in our closed relationship. This is a good point, I will ask her why she wants to go back. I can make some guess' but I suppose I feel like I should stop guessing and start inquiring. (That being said, she is returning to a very rigorous college curriculum where she won't have much time for another partner.)

Quote:
Well sure, you aren't compelled, what do you want?
Right, now I want freedom to explore being poly. I am aware of the different styles of poly/open relationships, but I am not sure what I am looking for in another person. I do recognize that I have the need for a variety of partners to have intimate sexual encounters with, but largely prefer those people to not be one-night stands. Outside of all of that, I still want to be primary partners with her and really enjoy the dynamic we share.

Thank you very much for your reply Anneintherain.
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Old 08-14-2012, 01:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
She returns tomorrow. Tonight, we talked about some stuff. She isn't sure about poly anymore because she doesn't like having to leave him?
Plus: She is reporting her findings. So she's communicating and that's good.
After her experiment she has come to find what? She'd rather be in a closed situation. This is her preference.

Quote:
The thing that bothers me is that she tells me about some of their intimate situations in depth. Then follows by asking me if when she returns we can be monogamous again. Then following that with more sexual intimate details about what they did. I find this all troublesome and, in combination with her strong feelings for him, rather upsetting.

So why do you tell us that and not her?
"Hon, thanks for being open and honest. But listen -- telling me sex details and then that you want to be closed when you return and then more sex details upsets me when it's back to back like that. It stirs up my feelings like -- man, we opened to explore, and in this time she found someone to explore with and I did not. That's not your fault but I need more time to digest it all. Don't overload me with details. "

Quote:
From my point of view, if she doesn't want to be involved with other people she doesn't have to be, but I don't think I should feel compelled to give up my freedom. Especially, when I have supported her in this exploration of a new interest.

Does anyone have some thoughts or opinions?
So you did not set a clear limit before you opened up?

Example limit: That it would be the summer of explore for both, and come September both would close regardless of the experiment results of either party.

And now you are feeling kinda tit for tat -- and your summer did not yield an exploration partner? Is that about it? And/or you are over being in a closed rship for a while? Because while you missed her you enjoyed being open to possibilities?

You do not HAVE to agree to close back down. She can choose to on her end, but she cannot expect it of you on yours. (Unless you promised this -- in which case you have to ask to be set free of that promise. And do not promise things in future you cannot keep.)

But I find it odd you went there without a clear limit. So I wonder/worry that maybe you didn't cover THIS possibility with her either: That the experiment time would yield her wanting to close back up and you wanting to stay open ended.

So when you renegotiate your new agreement for the fall semester, get all your wants, needs, and limits organized for how you two will operate together in the new term. Be honest, be clear, be firm about what it is your are looking for in this next phase. Sort yourselves out.

Even if it means an amicable parting because you both have changed in your wants, needs, and limits.

GL!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-14-2012 at 01:09 PM.
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  #8  
Old 08-14-2012, 01:45 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Quote:
So why do you tell us that and not her?
I definitely understand that I need to communicate to her what and how much I want to hear about them. At the moment I was just trying to sort out the turmoil of her telling me about it and her asking about going back to monogamy.

Quote:
So you did not set a clear limit before you opened up?

Example limit: That it would be the summer of explore for both, and come September both would close regardless of the experiment results of either party.
We didn't set any sort of limit like that, no.

Quote:
And now you are feeling kinda tit for tat -- and your summer did not yield an exploration partner? Is that about it? And/or you are over being in a closed rship for a while? Because while you missed her you enjoyed being open to possibilities?
It's not really tit for tat. I would like the opportunity to continue to explore my needs and poly, but I wanted that before she had found a partner. Following her having explored, I would like her to support my explorations too. I don't know what you mean by 'over' closed relationships for a while, but it sounds close. I want her to be my primary - life-partner, but I feel like I can't go back to a long-term closed relationship without exploring this enough to know how I feel.

Quote:
You do not HAVE to agree to close back down. She can choose to on her end, but she cannot expect it of you on yours. (Unless you promised this -- in which case you have to ask to be set free of that promise. And do not promise things in future you cannot keep.)
We made no such promise. The 'limit' thing would have been a promise I might not have been able to keep too.

Quote:
But I find it odd you went there without a clear limit. So I wonder/worry that maybe you didn't cover THIS possibility with her either: That the experiment time would yield her wanting to close back up and you wanting to stay open ended.
We didn't cover this possibility or even talk about what the possible outcomes are of this exploration.

Quote:
So when you renegotiate your new agreement for the fall semester, get all your wants, needs, and limits organized for how you two will operate together in the new term. Be honest, be clear, be firm about what it is your are looking for in this next phase. Sort yourselves out.

Even if it means an amicable parting because you both have changed in your wants, needs, and limits.
I started writing what my needs and wants are limitations are after finishing Opening Up a few weeks ago. When she gets back we will be sitting down to discuss our needs/wants/limitations and see where things go from there.

For the first time we will be officially living together. In the past we 'lived together' but she always had a place to go back to (She never went back).

Thanks for you help!
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  #9  
Old 08-14-2012, 02:21 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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(My partners name has been replaced with L out of respect for her privacy.)

Charles’ Ideas, Thoughts, and Guidelines

Charles’ Ideal Relationship with L
- A relationship that is very loving, comforting and secure with the intent for lifelong partnership. One that is creatively, artistically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally stimulating. The relationship allows both partners the freedom to explore other people/places/experiences and enjoy life to the fullest. A situation in which both of us feel our needs are being communicated and met. One that creates a support system to help each other when we are down. Most importantly we are dedicated to our relationship doing our best to see that each other’s needs are met allowing our love to flourish.

Charles’ Values

Growth, Experience, Love, Compassion, Friendship, Enjoyment

Charles’ Philosophies

- A person can love more than one person
- Freedom is important for each person to explore themselves, grow, and thoroughly enjoy life
- A person can have a primary partner (L) without making friends and outside partners beneath that life partner. Respecting each person and relationship as an individual circumstance to the dynamic between them.
- A person can have other sexual experiences or love other people but still dedicate themselves to their life partner

Charles’ Guidelines and Limitations


-Primary relationship remains of the utmost importance. Primary partners are our secuity and our home.

-L can bring girls into our bed with their understanding this is a shared sexual space between us and thus sexual experiences here should be open to include us both (No boys in our bed without prior agreement)

-No outside involvement should seriously undermine our primary relationship

-Safe sex must be practiced with all partners except in our primary relationship
(This means a condom for all acts in which a penis could secrete semen into the person. Including oral, vaginal, anal.)

-Outside Partners can be sexual adventures, consistent, lovers and friends

-No excessive money spending

-Unexpected sexual events are acceptable, but primary partners should do a good job communicating outside partner circumstances

-Primary partners will communicate any pressing concerns and hear out the concerns regarding any outside involvement (Does not have to be detailed)

-One day a week is dedicated time for L and Charles to spend together

-Let each other know if we will be out later than expected or all-night

-The existence and importance of our primary relationship will not be hidden from outside partners

-Everything is open for negotiation via sit down discussion (not via last minute text)

Questions:

Is it okay to bring other partners into our bed when there is a scheduled sleep over elsewhere? (If sleep over ends early or there are complications it could create awkward situations)

My personal feeling is –Possibly with prior consent


Charles’ Feelings
I feel the need to fully explore a poly life-style.

I often feel the need to have a variety of people in which I can pursue intimate or sexual encounters with. I don’t think I want those encounters to be one night stands. I am not sure how involved I want to be with those secondary relationships beyond being ‘friends with benefits’. (Having not explored enough it’s hard to say how the secondary person will fit into my life on an emotional level if at all)

I need support from the people closest to me.

I love L and would like to pursue a life together with her.
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  #10  
Old 08-14-2012, 06:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Good for you -- it sounds like you've been working on your draft for when you guys have a chance to really talk it out in person.

Hopefully when she's back she will bring her own wants, needs, limits and you guys can move it forward and sort it all out to mutual satisfaction and unearth whatever your happy medium is to be.

GL!
GG
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