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  #1  
Old 08-14-2012, 05:18 PM
xoxachahim xoxachahim is offline
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Hi. So I started dating this boy in January, when he came to visit me and then ended up moving here. We had hooked up last summer and kept in touch both romantically and as friends, we both had other partners. When he came to visit in January, I was broken up with my two other partners, we was beginning to break up with his partner. Dating was sweet and great and then at some point we realized we needed to sit down and have the relationship status & poly talk, and that we wanted to create some agreements so we could start to build trust (to heal from an incident that had happened the previous summer). In that talk, we both said we just wanted to focus on building the foundation of our relationship, and that would best be served by not hooking up with other people for a little while, as we developed trust and communication between us. He specifically suggested we go 1-on-1, I agreed, even though I didn't need that from him and was open to hearing about things. At the time, he had a crush on someone who returned the feelings, but said he had no interest in moving that to a romantic place. he promised to tell me if his feelings changed about her.

Well, as you can guess, 10 days later he spent the night and made out with her. I was really hurt and didn't understand why this person would suggest monogamy and deny his feelings and then break our agreements without talking to me. What followed was a long and painful process of mistrust, renegotiated agreements that were then also pushed or outright broken. In then end I came to a place realizing that this person cannot keep agreements or commitments to be considerate of my feelings, and that I should not be in a serious relationship with him. He acknowledged the same and we agree to date more casually, and he is dating that woman with whom he broke my trust. She is in my friend circle. I had told him from the very beginning that dating someone else in my small town was beyond my boundaries. He has continued anyways.

Meanwhile, though all this, I realize I allowed myself to fall in love with him, and am having a hard time coming to terms with that he doesn't want to be serious with me. I want to be serious with him, though I don't know why, because his behavior has been hurtful and untrustworthy.

How can I adjust to a situation that from the get-go is beyond my boundaries and was founded on broken agreements?
How can I try to date someone casually when there is a difference in feelings and/or commitment level?

I really don't want to just break up, I would like to still enjoy the love, affection, and sex he is offering me. right now, i mainly feel sad, especially when he's with his other lover, mourning that he doesn't want to be more serious and committed with me.

Advice? Also note that he his moving back to finish school at the end of this month, so this is also about transitioning to being long distance.
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  #2  
Old 08-14-2012, 06:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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In my universe -- it is 3 strikes you are out on the same darn issue. In the arena of "broken agreements?" From your post?
  • He suggested you go 1 on 1. (cheated. Did not keep promise)
  • promised to tell me if his feelings changed about her. (Did not keep promise)
  • What followed was a long and painful process of mistrust, renegotiated agreements that were then also pushed or outright broken. (broken promises again -- sounds like more than 1 here)

So he's well past 3 strikes.

You also state this:

Quote:
In then end I came to a place realizing that this person cannot keep agreements or commitments to be considerate of my feelings, and that I should not be in a serious relationship with him
I would add that a person that chronically breaks agreements is not a good person for me to have serious relationship with OR to date casually date EITHER. They put me at risk in my health buckets.

In my universe? I am responsible for guarding my own (and my partner's) buckets of mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. He's doing a terrible job considering your well being. Are you doing a good job considering what YOU need for your own well being?

I would say this person is NOT healthy for me if it were me.

I may feel I am in love but since this is only since January? 8 mos? It's most likely brain hormone cascade. Hormone feel goods of NRE.

Google the "neuroscience of falling in love" and you will read about all the hormones responsible for what. It's the high. It's addicting. It's fun to feel. But there's hasn't been TIME to build substantial love here, and his actions are not showing the actions of strong foundation. All the more reason for me to chalk my love here to NRE pink fluffy lala cloud stuff if it were me.

All this business of his concrete actions for how he treats me though? To me that is more downers than uppers. I would not been keen to share time with him (or anything else) because it takes up space in my life that I could spend on more worthwhile relationships. Something with more return for my investment that is not damaging my health. I can get NRE high in another rship. It is not unique to him.

So for you? In the mental health and emotional health buckets?

I suggest you look out for YOU and break up with this toxic person.

Some choices in life are not win-lose. They are "this stinks and this stinks. So which one stinks the least?"

I think the pain of a break up stinks less than the pain of endless ongoing stinkage in poor relationship with him. Because he keeps on making a mess. If YOU keep on doing what you have always done (not guard your buckets well) you will keep getting what you have always gotten. (him kicking your buckets over to spill again.)

It's just more stink from him. He does not and will not do the work expected/agreed upon be in right relationship with you.

You see how he is already. How much more stink do you need to smell? I apologize if that is Hard to Hear. But this guy just doesn't play right. He's a stinky mess.

It is sad, you will feel sad and it is ok to feel sad. But this guy is just not sounding like a runner for what you seek. And you deserve the best of what you seek.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2012 at 03:52 AM.
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  #3  
Old 08-14-2012, 06:58 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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You gave him the option to be open and have multiple relationships. Instead, he decided it was a better idea to cheat on you.

I agree with GG. Is this guy worth your trouble? He's going to be almost useless once he moves away. He hasn't been able to keep his promises thus far. How's he going to keep his promise to keep in touch when he's running around with other people and fairly far away?
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  #4  
Old 08-14-2012, 08:11 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
In then end I came to a place realizing that this person cannot keep agreements or commitments to be considerate of my feelings, and that I should not be in a serious relationship with him.
I think that this is very wise, based on what you have told us. I'm not sure that I would want to be in *any* form of relationship with him.

If he cheated on you, then he would presumably cheat on them. He may not tell them about you and then, when they find out, they're going to be coming round to your place to take it out on you. I don't need that sort of drama in my life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
Meanwhile, though all this, I realize I allowed myself to fall in love with him, and am having a hard time coming to terms with that he doesn't want to be serious with me. I want to be serious with him, though I don't know why, because his behavior has been hurtful and untrustworthy.
For me, this does not compute. This guy disrespects your boundaries and betrays your trust repeatedly and yet you feel you are in love with him? Maybe we have very different definitions of what "love" means.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
How can I adjust to a situation that from the get-go is beyond my boundaries and was founded on broken agreements?
You can't, not without repeatedly being hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
How can I try to date someone casually when there is a difference in feelings and/or commitment level?
The only way to do that is to respect the lowest common denominator - if that isn't going to give you what you need (and it's sounding like it won't) then you need to walk away to stop yourself getting hurt again... and again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
I really don't want to just break up, I would like to still enjoy the love, affection, and sex he is offering me.
Again, for me love means trust. Affection means caring for me enough to respect my boundaries. Sex - well, that's your lowest common denominator, isn't it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
right now, i mainly feel sad, especially when he's with his other lover, mourning that he doesn't want to be more serious and committed with me.
And you are totally entitled to mourn that - it's a shame that he has turned out to not be the sort of guy that you can have what you want with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxachahim View Post
Advice? Also note that he his moving back to finish school at the end of this month, so this is also about transitioning to being long distance.
I would be transitioning this into "no thanks".
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  #5  
Old 08-14-2012, 10:49 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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So....

bottom line is that you aren't willing to respect yourself or uphold your own boundaries designed to protect your well being?


My advice is

1) you are fragile, as another poster said "don't fuck fragile" in other words-you have no business getting into a romantic relationship with anyone. The reason you are fragile is because you are operating with child-like responses to adult situations. Until you learn to make yourself a priority and uphold the necessary boundaries to make you the best version of yourself-you aren't good relationship material


2. you need to read the book
The 7 Levels of Intimacy

Take to heart some of the information in it about relationships. But most especially, learn about the importance of YOU working to be the best version of YOURSELF each day AND the importance of partnering yourself with people who are working to be the best version of themselves each day AND support you in being the best version of yourself.
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  #6  
Old 08-17-2012, 04:39 PM
xoxachahim xoxachahim is offline
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Thank you for your kind words. He is really not as much of a douchebag as this all sounds, but I agree that I am the one in charge of enforcing my boundaries and respecting myself. What's going on is that I'm at a place where I'm trying to learn to adapt fluidly to changing situations, and not always try to push things into a partner direction. I have a very high sex and romance drive and want to be able to enjoy people in that way even if they don't meet my standard for a serious relationship. I am also queer (my boyfriend is transgendered), and finding queer lovers where I live is not easy!

Point is, at this point, he is moving away very soon and at that point I think being long distance, occasional lovers will suit us much better.
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