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  #11  
Old 05-01-2010, 09:20 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Being new, I don't have experience to pull on, but this thread did strike up a conversation between my husband and I that I thought I would share.

I was curious on his standing on the terms and thought it was something to discuss. I asked if he felt we were the primary relationship and if the relationship with the girl we are dating progresses, would she be our secondary?

He didn't want to place labels like that as eventualy he wants us to grow to be equals.

I agree, except for the fact that chronologicaly and emotionaly at the moment, we are eacothers primary or first. Our relationship and it's dynamics must work and be healthy, in order for a second realtionship to work. So for the time being, our relationship with her is our secondary relationship.

She is not second to me or my husband and all the way around. I am not superior to her nor my husband or all the way around.

To me, people are not their relationships. She is not secondary to me. She is different and great in her own way. But it is a seperate relationship. At least for now. We are still in the dating phase of things. As our secondary relationship grows and all of us with it, we will all merge into a relationship together.

Just the thoughts from a newby on the otherside of your dilema. I wish you the best of luck, either with them or others. My best advice is to go with what you are comfortable with. If you don't like the labels, don't use them, but if those you are in a relationship with someone who does, try to understand their views behind them. If you still don't agree, or they can't compromise, maybe they aren't the relationship for you.

Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 05-01-2010, 03:22 PM
punkrockmomma punkrockmomma is offline
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I don't think anything will develop further with L and I unfortunately. My schedule limitations didn't seem to be able to be considered in the realm of " we will see each other once a week or so and won't take advantage of each others time". He didn't want to set aside a set day in case things came up, it is what it is.

It also seemed that J was not comfortable around me any longer upon our last encounter. Where we all sat together the month before and chatted she didn't approach me til the end of the evening this time - I'm sure in time this will pass.

I have to still admit discomfort with labels but seeing how everyone relates to them in polyamory has certainly broadened my perspective

I'm not straight, heavily tattooed, a single mother ( I can't avoid this label ) , labels have never served me well.Although I am willing to consider how they do make communication easier and can potentially fade with time.

As for email, definitely not a form of communication I would use in abundance in the future! It's so easy now to look back and see how it went awry. My background is in business, I've done quite a few classes in business and manual writing. Between that and being a questioning person who tends to challenge convention and " the man" so to speak I can see how someone could easily become defensive with me. I just wish my schedule could have been taken into consideration more, I know this could have been sorted out if we all communicated in person. While I am may be challenging and questioning I know I am a compassionate and loving person.

I don't steal candy from children, kick small dogs or withhold my seat on the bus from elderly people. I do however cry whenever I watch Legends of the Fall, cherish every moment with my super punk rock boy, work hard, live hard and love hard. Heart on my sleeve, literally and figuratively
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  #13  
Old 05-01-2010, 05:58 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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You sound like you've got a lot to offer the right people, punkrockmomma. And the fact that you are secure in yourself is an incredible asset.

Redpepper, I feel a lot of affinity for the things Mono has written. I suspect we are similar in a few ways. I might guess that he is "lucky" in the sense that the loving role he has found resonates naturally with his personality -- that's not necessarily common, I think. But of course since I really don't know him this is just a guess.

idealist wrote, "[Rather than relationship analysis] I find it's better to simply begin to spend time together having fun and enjoying each other. Seeing how much compatibility and chemistry is there."

Yeah, I think so too. At that first dinner we discussed art, philosophy, cooking, society, dogs, and, oh yeah, there were two sentences that touched on polyamory. We analyzed the personalities of golden retrievers but not our new relationship.

punkrockmomma, I'm sorry the possibilities with L and J didn't work out. Somebody else on the forum wrote that it's hard to find a single person you're deeply compatible with, and finding a couple can be even harder. As you wrote, it is what it is.

I guess labels are just placeholders for meaning. Big problems can occur when different people use the same label but assign different meanings to it, I suppose. But if we don't use some kind of nomenclature then it's hard to compare experiences. In field botany people use Latin names for plants because they are universally accepted labels...even though the concept of species is an artificial system imposed on a natural world which doesn't always fit the labels.

I dunno. It's fun to learn the nomenclature, I suppose, and useful as one way to think, but it's also necessary to remember that people don't fit well inside boxes and that there are other ways to think as well.

Heh, even when we build the boxes ourselves we feel the need to break them apart sometimes!
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  #14  
Old 05-02-2010, 03:12 AM
punkrockmomma punkrockmomma is offline
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Thank you Stitchwitchd, you raised a valid point.


"Primary/secondary make sense as descriptive labels, but I really don't like the idea of going into a relationship with an artificial limit on how much it can grow, like a bonsai. Having different labels for different relationships is entirely sensible, but this whole thing with the secondary relationship being kept in it's place so that it won't possibly threaten the primary relationship...that just don't seem right. Now, having both points of a Vee involved in discussions so that EVERYONE is getting their needs met, no one feels neglected, that's great."


Mohegan, I think you read my mind, thank you putting into words what I've been struggling with



"Being new, I don't have experience to pull on, but this thread did strike up a conversation between my husband and I that I thought I would share.

I was curious on his standing on the terms and thought it was something to discuss. I asked if he felt we were the primary relationship and if the relationship with the girl we are dating progresses, would she be our secondary?

He didn't want to place labels like that as eventualy he wants us to grow to be equals.

I agree, except for the fact that chronologicaly and emotionaly at the moment, we are eacothers primary or first. Our relationship and it's dynamics must work and be healthy, in order for a second realtionship to work. So for the time being, our relationship with her is our secondary relationship.

She is not second to me or my husband and all the way around. I am not superior to her nor my husband or all the way around.

To me, people are not their relationships. She is not secondary to me. She is different and great in her own way. But it is a seperate relationship. At least for now. We are still in the dating phase of things. As our secondary relationship grows and all of us with it, we will all merge into a relationship together.

Just the thoughts from a newby on the otherside of your dilema. I wish you the best of luck, either with them or others. My best advice is to go with what you are comfortable with. If you don't like the labels, don't use them, but if those you are in a relationship with someone who does, try to understand their views behind them. If you still don't agree, or they can't compromise, maybe they aren't the relationship for you.

Good luck! "

Last edited by punkrockmomma; 05-02-2010 at 01:44 PM.
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