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Old 11-18-2015, 05:35 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Default Living Truthfully Within

What is it about being vulnerable opens you to so many painful things? Yes it also the sweetest feeling in the world when you can be tender and kind and it be reciprocated back at you? love is an unpredictable game, and it is beautiful when it works. I am so very blessed to have the people I do in my life.

I am pondering a lot lately, How do I starting understanding my truth sooner. Is it really so disrespectful to process slowly and return to an idea? I know in some situations, that immediate action is called. For example if one is debating, one whips ideas back and forth. Or if one is questioning a personal moral or ethics with someone else, the dialogue is important.

Sometimes, I hear my personal truth ring in my head but around men I don't speak up. this blog is an effort to change my communication style, one that does not put up with being around people who I cannot be truthful to. If I feel my voice choked into no existence, perhaps there is something about them I cannot feel open with and I simply need to honour that and walk away.

Lovers are people one should feel able to talk and feel safe with. Even friends, or non sexual platonic partners and any variation in between. I think it's not a matter of me not being able to speak, it's a matter of me putting the other persons feelings before my own and not trusting my truth.

So I finished my other blog, with the ending of Trip, and also Rocky as relationships. And also being ok in the limbo of inbetween relationships. Rocky is fondly my zucchini, as we can do such things as a cuddle naked, or have a shower together but not have sex, yet have such emotional and mental bonding. It's a beautiful thing. And the sex we do have at the moment isn't based around if we are in a relationship with each other or not. Hence zucchini or queerplatonic lover.

I have decided instead of a direct conversation to end things with Trip that I will do a fade. I do not wish to discuss here the particulars of how and why we ended, only that it was a clash in personal belief systems, and how we fundamentally view the world. I can include things I have already felt and mentioned, as a reminder for myself later on.

One example is his desire to be a white knight, and only "wants" me when I am suffering, rather than enjoying the day to day things. Another is communication style, which I found out includes an element of lying I wasn't comfortable with. My ethic and boundaries cannot include him to be true to my own.

So I am taking a step back both from P and Trip, a rather large one, and will focus on the people currently in my life that are potential matches in healthy ways. I will eventually pick up with trip as a friend perhaps but in my outside circle, and not as a close support and confidant. He has made choices and these are the consequences.

I have decided to name the sexy mamba doctor Seth.He messaged me around midnight last night but because I was dealing in the things I was dealing with, I didn't have time to respond. Plus I was with rocky watching OTNB, and just basically turning my brain off. I had a lot of processing to do but it wasn't going to happen in a day.

I am excited to get to know him, he lives fairly local to where I am currently doing my dancing once a week, which means I can then see where things go. We had some very delicious kisses earlier, and I am looking forward to getting to know him more.

Today I am headed home from Rocky's to get my school work done, and also, to clean up and prepare for tomorrow. I have Acton coming by, which is what he shall be named from this point out, he is a friend - possibly more, we do movies together and getting to know each other. He seems quite desperate for someone however and that level of neediness is a little off putting to me. However we communicate fairly well. We have been friends since March 2015.

Then there is Riawho is my friend, possible lover. I am organising today plans to take her to dinner, it will be on a Monday in the next week or two...and I am really looking forward to it! She is smart, interesting, hardworking, kind, blunt, funny, straight forward, beautiful and a really nice blend of introvert and extrovert. We can talk for ages and I enjoy being around her a lot. I have a real physical and mental connection with her, I am not sure yet if I have the third emotional connection or not, but I hope so.

We like to people watch together. We have commonalities in weight loss and exercise and in the bdsm world. I am hoping she will be my Dom,

Another person who I am going out this weekend with is a man named Vince. He is a psychologist, and knows of poly, I think, he seemed to know the term at least. We met a week and a half back, shortly after I returned from abroad. Here was definite chemistry and we have many common things, both of us being parents for one. And also just generally seem to know people well but of us in professions of observation and pattern/behaviour recognition. He has not confirmed a day time, so I will get back to him today.

There's not much to report on Rockyright now, because well things are good into our new transition and if things become not so great, I will talk about it here. But right now, it's awesome that we just chill enjoy each other and leave it at that. I am not sure truthfully if I will be able to stay at his or not in January. I would like to know beforehand so I can sort things out but I have given him until then to decide.

I am trying not to pressure him, while still being direct.

I am also speaking to potential people on OKC in particular a trans woman, I have yet to find out if she is male to female , or female to male. I have not yet asked her much about being trans at all. We are tentatively making plans to meet up on a Saturday in the near future. Her name will be OKC Light. And when /if it comes off OKC, it will just be Light.

Education is going well though I have not studied since my last assignment. I need to sort some things out, and get on top of my unit this week. I don't like being behind, and I just caught up! I am going to start listening to hypnotherapy about procrastinating again at night, I think it helped immensely. I need to refocus, and get to work.

My weight loss is going well and I am keeping within calories and joined a whatsapp support group. Loving that! between Ria and rocky and the support group I am killing it with being responsible in workouts and my food diary every day. I just logged 50 days in a row calorie counting.
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Last edited by starlight1; 11-18-2015 at 05:44 AM.
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Old 11-18-2015, 09:52 AM
Evie Evie is offline
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Welcome home, Starlight

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Old 11-18-2015, 09:58 AM
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Great post. Really resonated with me because I'm going through some of the same things and even the same goals! Haven't been as disciplined with my food diary, but definitely with you on the exercise things. You've asked some of the same questions that have been spinning around in my head too. Looking forward to following your journey and wish you luck dear.
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Old 11-19-2015, 12:35 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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I have been so ill the past few days.

I have been at Rocky's sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. I really need to get home but have been way too unwell to do anything at all.

Strangely now that I have made my peace with trip, he is contacting me more and I am doing the fade. Not answering.

Before I got sick I set up a date with Seth we are going salsa dancing tomorrow if I am not too unwell.

And on Saturday I made plans to meet Light.

I am a going to start looking for work soon as I am better.
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Old 11-19-2015, 01:51 PM
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I got confused, I thought Ria was the transwoman. But I guess she is cis gendered?

Light, if she/they IDs as a transwoman, would be FtoM. If they are a transman, they would be FtoM.

It's always a back and forth with Rocky and Trip, huh? I could never "break up" with someone, but remain friends AND sex partners. To me, that doesn't count as breaking up.

Hope you get over your virus soon!
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Old 11-19-2015, 11:53 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Thanks for all the messages and replies

@evie thank you I am glad to be home. Never missed the rain so much in my life!

@ polysnow I am glad the post resonated with you. I just try to articulate what goes through my mind as accurately as possible. welcome to the blogs, I am following your blog as well.

@ mags Ria has a trans brother, which is where the confusion may have slipped in! light is completely different person. I will need to get better identifiers. Or do another who's who post.
Your post said ftom on both trans men and trans women, so I am still equally confused.

Yes I feel that way about rocky, with the back and forth and being friends + sex...we started more than two tonight, and I enjoyed reading it with him. We have left sex off the table for now, but open for rediscussion later. I told him it means little to me now with so much rejection and I understand the family dynamic he comes from where his opinion was never heard or allowed to be voiced, and he was constantly rejected but still needed to love people to survive...but he is not that child now and he does not need to relate to me in those same patterns. I am sure they will get addressed as we read more than two.
He wanted to know when I leave tomorrow if I would come back to sleep in the same bed with him. We try to untangle, and life tends to bring us back to each other. I had no intention of sleeping here all week but I got too sick to even eat or get out of bed.
I am going home tomorrow and he just was like...are you coming back? Lol. Super cute.

With Trip there is no back and forth because he said some very hurtful things, and his ethics are not ok with me, so it has crossed an emotional bridge of no return. I only gave him as many chances as I did because we hadn't crossed those lines and previous misunderstandings could have been my PTSD hypervigiliance. However I have cut that cord and a little bit cowardly wrote in text I just want to be friends. even if we stayed together it would be non sexual because of the situation with the OSO, but since I have a basic need for open communication and the problem with ethics, I could not let this go. We are platonic now, and uncertain how involved as friends I will be. I feel disgusted, enraged and angry at his behaviour and only becUse of my own promise to disclose that I am not elaborating more here. But I would not consider him as a future partner ever.
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Old 11-20-2015, 10:32 AM
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Oops, let me restate that.


Light, if she/they IDs as a transwoman, would be M to F. If they are a transman, they would be F to M.
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Old 11-20-2015, 08:25 PM
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Well today has been a big day.

I have been sleeping a lot the past three days from illness, as I posted before but I am finally coming out of it!

@mags thanks for the clarification that helps a lot!

As far as things go with Rocky, is now officially over on my side. We are reading more than two, together. We stopped last night. I just asked today, how is the relationship over if we're best friends and having sex? So we sat down and discussed boundaries. I know talking about boundaries is easier than keeping them. I just to,d him I didn't want to live in denial or resent him because of relationship creep, and he would have to accept the consequences of his no and honour my no and we could both work at healthier boundaries together. I truly do want him to find someone else that he wants all the white picket fence stuff with if that's what he wants, it won't be me because I don't want more kids and I am relieved immensely by that and honouring my truth.

This has been the first time I have stood up to men to their face and put my needs first. I even cancelled a first date tonight because I am ill and emotional, and truthfully just want to work through the first chapter of more than two with rocky, rather than go out on a date.

I told him the reason I clung so hard to him as a relationship is because I consider him family and I didn't want to lose that. He said it would take time for him to get used to it but he's willing to put the effort in to consider me a sister instead of lover, because he wants me to think of him as family and to think of me that way.

I look at it like a life fulfilment chart. Each every of the graph has parts of it that someone needs to feel OK in themselves. Things like, work, friends, family, hobbies, fitness/health, community, belief in something other than the self, pets, whatever those boxes may be.

For me, while in America, I had so many of those boxes filled, family, friends, travel(major hobby of mine), fitness, pets, education...

Here in England I am missing family like crazy, it's an open sore that hurts painfully every day. I watched the duchess last night and burst into inconsolable tears when she gave up her baby. And I understood about a mother going to any lengths to keep her kids. That's what I did and made a lot of mistakes along the way. I truly thought by being poly I would have the network I needed to keep my kids. I was so wrong, or at least, I was wrong in this story. My life has not played out like that. But I do not wish to be pitied. So losing rocky right now as family. It just kills me inside. He is so very important and kind to me.

My other boxes, are getting filled. I have friends, (Ivy, Acton, rocky, K) I have hobbies (Ceroc), I have fitness,(Pilates and weight training) I have community (poly network), and I have family my kids twice a month and every week on the Skype/phone. I have potential relationships and I have education, now I just need maybe work or living not alone for ah while to round out my need for connection and people..(flat or house share). I have went from being an introvert my whole life, to loving being around people a lot. It's very odd for me.
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Old 11-22-2015, 01:49 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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I'm unable to sleep to it.

I have yet to grieve rocky.

I had a fantastic day date with Light. She is a trans woman, so m to female, thanks mags. And she asked for me to consider her a girlfriend. I think she's so overwhelmed that anyone would accept her this is any and we had such a connection...that it just stumbled out of her. She is very sweet and kind...but and here it is. I cannot feel that way towards her while I am grieving the loss of two relationships.

I am still absolutely furious at trip. I am also furious at me for not being able to connect with processing and feeling the emotion at the time it happened. At the time I heard his news, on last Tuesday, I went numb with shock. Then came anger, and that's where I have been since. I am disgusted I did not see th warning signs sooner and that I allowed myself to be played for a fool. At least as soon as I saw both his and P's true colours I moved away emotionally and physically very quickly. I feel that bridge has burned and that usually doesn't happen for me, normally I give people time to explain or have more chances or even move into friends...etc...but this was unforgivable for me. I feel so betrayed.

Worse still is feeling the since of absolute resolve against rocky. We need time apart. I need to get my life together. I am sad I will have to be distant for awhile but it needs to be done. I cannot remain around him,and remain healthy inside myself any longer. I am done being yanked around by other people's wants and desires. And giving my heart and trust to strangers. I have decided I am going about this all wrong and need to let people unfold gently, before I get involved sexually. And those that can't honour my boundary of waiting for sex or taking things slow are not people I want as partners anyway.

I told light I need time, I want to be her gf, but we're both in pretty vulnerable places. With her transitioning and me grieving...and in my own kind of transition from full time mother to single person perceived as childless a lot of time (because I am not around my kids 24/7 anymore) I understand that sense of disconnect from how people see you in your past and how peop,e see you now. I understand I am the first woman who has seen her, as her. I understand I must treat her with utmost kindness and care, and in order to go there with her, we both need to go very slow, in order for her to adjust to being who she is now, and to accept it, and for me grieve so that my heart isn't taken up by sadness and past.

So many things I like about light. I like her kindness, and I like her smile. I like her uncomplicatedness. And yes transitioning is complicated emotionally and physically for her, but what I mean by that is, she isn't hiding her things that are hard. She is facing them, which makes things easy and simple for us to communicate and get on. I like her enthusiasm. She's kind of going through that teenage girl phase she never got to experience, so all the more reason to take it slow. She has surprising depth. I like that about her too. She has endured pain and hardship, yet not let it make her bitter. She still hopes. She is worth going slow with and allowing my heart the space to heal, and allow her the room to grow into the woman she wants to be.

She understands I am poly, and we don't live near each other so it will be a sort of LDR, but that makes it simpler in a way because sexy fun times will be limited, making setting boundaries easier. Right now her walking with me around all of London, her companionship and easy conversation, that is all I want.

I call her light because she emits this wonderful cheery happy glow of someone being their most authentic happy self. It's a wonderful wonderful thing to watch after spending six months with a liar, and 1.5 years with someone who although cheery couldn't admit to themselves what they want in life.

I like that there is no question about her attraction to me or me to her. That part is very simple, I like her mind and how easy we laughed, from 1pm until 6pm, and I could have easily spent well into the night talking and laughing. She brought her whole self, and she deserves someone to bring all of theirs. I told her this and she said, it's ok Star, I appreciate you being so considerate of my feelings and heart and not rushing something when you are grieving it actually makes me like you more.

It was good to fill that role of being strong and there for someone else. She was so vulnerable to me about it everything and I felt such a connection. It isn't like male connections I have had in past, but, like a strong current of friendship with a spark of something more. We had huge endorphins too, and we kissed sweetly good night, that turned into the most warm heart soul bearing hug I have had since holding my kids last....I really enjoyed it.

I think there's potential, if taken slowly, of something real building here.

In the meantime I continue to build real things with my friends too. I a, currently at Liam's house. He is an actor friend of mine. I named him Acton in my last blog and changed the name because I didn't like it. I talk to him once a week and this is the first time I have been to his home. We watched a movie and talked poly stuff. I like his friendship, in fact I value it a lot, and looking forward to many more years of friendship. We are letting things happen as they happen, and I know he likes me, but I am seeing if that spark will eventually ignite for me. At the moment all boundaries are platonic, because I value his friendship over a romantic relationship. I felt very overwhelmed tonight by the intensity of Light, and being around Liam is very easy, and less heady, but more like, a calm deep blue sea. We can do simple things, and he has consistently been my friend since June. I told him I have toyed with the idea of us being more, but I want to do it when I am in a better head space, because right now I don't want to risk our friendship. I don't know if it will ever grow outside of friendship. But I am open to the possibility.

As far as Seth, the sexy mamba salsa physician...I see him Monday for dinner before Ceroc. Yay.

I also got my assignment results, I have an A from my first assignment in maths tech and science...not bad for being out of education in those areas over ten years ago...

Now for the final stuff on rocky for awhile. I stayed over until Friday morning. We read the first chapter of more than two, and answered the questions at the back. I learned that he's very afraid of commitment. All hope died in me then. He could,not ever say the word commitment out loud for five minutes. And when he did he was so upset and anxious. I held him and let him cry and he spoke about his past. I felt we made progress on this issue, but it will only set him up for someone else because after seeing that, I realised I was dealing in an emotional teenager, when I have work d on myself so long and hard in this area (to be a good mother, to get over my issues of PTSD, to work on my stuff with my mom, to overcome Mormon church and my feeling about being bi, to come out as poly...) we were just on different playing fields. He was in the little leagues with a batting T and I was in the majors running to home base after hitting a knock out. Completely different arenas. When I really saw that...and I am sure dear readers you all saw that well before me, ...I realised I could coach him and be a friend but I would not go back to being a lover. Not any time soon. He needed a few years catch up. Although to be fair, he did step up and meet me with talking to me, and he was very supportive of continuing reading the book with me as well as us watching OTNB together.

The only wtf moment that happened, was when I told him about access and uni, he was t supportive of me going to uni because he thought my end goal was earn as much money as possible as quick as possible. Which is not the case. As much as he wants me to think I am doing things for my kids, and yes that's a peripheral reason, the truth is I am not legally allowed to take care of my kids, so I am doing this for me. I am fucking doing this for myself. And no one, most especially not rocky, is ever going to take that away from me.

I got mad when he said I would have no guarantee of a job, and I said, yeah if I chose writing as my major (like he did) I wouldn'tf but I am not, I am choosing engineering which is lacking women in that degree and guarantees and placement in career at the end of it. Plus I have decided to minor in management. Good grief, if the idea of me being strong and independent scares him, wait until I get there. We definitely are ill matched if I am so intimidating in just theory! lol.

But props to him for him speaking his truth. Either way no one stops me from being independent and having an education ever. If they try, they can go on my shit list because I don't need that type of talk on top of everything else this week. It was also poorly timed since I had just broken it off with him and trip...and I think that's why he probably lashed out . It's the first time I have rejected him. Well I told him tough titty, because it's exactly what he wanted all along was for me to agree to him breaking up with me, right? Now he got it so he can't complain about that.
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Old 11-24-2015, 03:02 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Well this weekend has been intense interesting and fun. Yesterday I had so many things to do, and I woke up late so I was rushing around doing them. Then last night I saw Seth. we went to sushi bar together, then walked along south bank, until time to go to the dancing. We agreed to dance with anyone but spent a few dances together as well. There were moments I found difficult to stay present because it was three hours of dancing and I was exhausted by the end.
I haven't been that active in awhile. We have a lot of similar interests, water, beaches, he's done kayaking and I never did get to do that for my bday. He owns some and offered to take me kayaking! I really want to do that. I felt more genuine when I told him as well about grieving and that I want to take it slow. He was fine with this and very understanding. He said he wanted to wait until I was comfortable and preferably when feelings were involved. Which I thought was incredibly sweet. We had a good time texting last night on the way back and I felt I had been vulnerable and honest and look foreword to getting to know what he's about in a slow and easy way.

I also saw Ria. I decided to be just friends with Ria in my brain for now, I truly do need more friends than I do romantic partners. I value her too much and she's not sure what her sexuality is, so that would be another Rocky thing, I have to learn to analyse these things and see if people are available or not. We are still going out to dinner, and we are planning in the New Years to go to a weekend Ceroc event together. It's great to have people like that in my life I can go do these things with.

I also recconnected with a poly friend who I knew in west city. And I meeting up with her on Saturday after I see the girls. For the first time in my life I am seriously putting down roots and connecting with all my peeps, past present and future. Much healthier place to be. Her name will be Diana because I knew her as a fellow dancer, we were in the same troupe, and also in my kids school, as one of her sons is the same age as one of my daughters and they went to school together. So the event this Saturday is is a poly night get together and she's driving a whole host of people down. Hopefully it will be a good time to catch up and hang out. It's great to reconnect with her!

I am taking a mental health day today, and been in bed all day, slept till midday, and planning on going back to sleep soon. I am purchasing takeaway and cryi my eyeballs our for rocky and raging about trip. I wish I could say here what it was he did but I can't. And I am still so angry about it. So I can tell my emotions aren't in a good place because I no longer care about sex. But also I am turning my focus towards my studies and work and kids and my fitness/weight loss/health. That alone is enough to juggle.

Ah my package from open university just got here finally! yay! I better add studying to the list tomorrow. I am also going to a gig on Wednesday to see Siren and Gale play live. Should be way fun!!

Oh one more thing, Rocky said I could move in temporarily with him. I will be moving in after New Years. I am upset about his mixed signals, but I understand that I am the one who needs to keep my boundaries in place. That's ok by me. I can do that now, I have given up the last shred of hope with him and a relationship and a part of my brain has switched to off with him for now. Which makes moving in easier as friends.
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Last edited by starlight1; 11-24-2015 at 03:04 PM.
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