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Old 05-05-2015, 05:33 PM
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Default I've gotten a second wind!

For a long time I was feeling like I wanted to really dive into this poly journey (pacience is not my strong point), but was stuck in something that looked more like common dating. And then a few days ago I realized that, in fact, there are now three people that I've been dating for a while and who I'm feeling really great about. I also think I might be happier and more satisfied with my romantic/sexual life than I have ever been before. Feels like a good time to start a journal!

A little backstory:

In February of 2014 it suddenly became clear that my monogamous partner of 25 years was having an intense emotional affair and on his way out. Sadly, I had kind of fallen in love with him all over again, totally having all those NRE feelings like in the beginning. I was excited to see him every night after work, scheming to get the kids tired so I could get them to bed early and have time alone with him. I felt like our whole family was in such a nice spot and that he was the guy for me after all (we had a rough 23 years or so in there) and I swear it wasn't more than two weeks before the shit hit the fan that I thought, ahhh, we made it, we're gonna grow old together, someday sitting in our rocking chairs enjoying the weather, talking about the grandchildren. So, as you can imagine, I was pretty shaken and very heartbroken when I realized that the reality was something very different.

It wasn't until the end of the summer that I really started to get it -- that it wasn't a horrible nightmare I'd wake up from, that he wasn't going to come to his senses. I had, thank god, gone into self-preservation mode at the first signs of trouble and had started building myself a new life and community. And in a lot of ways I was living as a single person by the end of the summer.

Over Labor Day weekend, I met Daniel, who had a fairly similar story to mine and we were each other's first post-break up lovers. It was really a FWB kind of arrangement, which was just right, I think. We were pretty bondy over the break up thing, but really not meant for a romance.

At that point I had never given any thought to polyamory. I think I did have the framework inside somewhere, though. When I found out that ex really did have an other woman (had suspected there was something up for many months), I told him I thought it would be crazy to believe that a person could go decades with one partner without having crushes and interests in others. I told him I wanted him to go ahead and enjoy it (meaning the crush/infatuation, not saying he should go ahead and be physical with her, but I might have been open to that) but not in a way that left me feeling scared and hurt. He had been doing things like saying "wait up for me, I really wanna watch an episode of Mad Men with you when I get back," and then getting back at 4:30 in the morning, repeatedly. And that was just fucking unbearable. But it's interesting to me now to think back on how flexible I was feeling with monogamy then, even at that terrible time, and not because I was feeling interested in someone but because it just made sense to me.

It wasn't until that fall though, probably while I was still hanging out with Daniel, that a couple of things happened that led me to start thinking of organizing my life and my relationships a different way.

Last edited by rubidoux; 05-05-2015 at 05:43 PM.
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Old 05-06-2015, 06:52 AM
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So, those couple of things were...

That I was having a really odd relationship with a guy who was almost 20 years younger than me. I was crazy over him, though a little weirded out by the age difference. But he was doing this thing where he'd get closer and closer and spend more and more time with me and then it would cross some line (though it never got physical) and then he'd disappear for a couple of weeks. The first couple of times I felt pretty hurt by it, but then I thought, whatever this strange thing is, it's really heartfelt and real and sweet. And maybe it didn't need to follow the usual model, but was fine the way it was. This was what he had to offer me and, as long as i didn't have any expectations that it would progress in a particular way, it was actually really satisfying and wonderful.

The other thing was that I was getting really close to a female friend that I didn't have a romantic or sexual relationship with and realizing that she and I were doing for each other what I had always wanted expected from a romantic partner. And it was pretty liberating! I realized that there was no reason that sex/romance had to be coupled with that family/partner thing.

And once I started seeing that I didn't have to get everything I needed from one relationship or demand that one person be capable of and willing to meet all my needs... polyamory sounded really right to me.

Almost immediately after I had that realization, I discovered the happy benefit that I could be much more open to all sorts of people. If I was looking for one partner, I'd need to find someone who could do all of the things I needed, but if I might have several, no one of them had to have all of the qualities I was looking for. Well, now it seems pretty obvious and basic, but when it first occurred to me it was such an epiphany! lol
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Old 05-12-2015, 04:23 PM
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So, I've been doing a lot of dating since my marriage ended. And I've dated all kinds of people, some that have been really shocking to me. I had a short fling with a 26 year old surgeon; an insanely fun, passionate, loving friendship with a pornographer; a sweet and very sexy envelope pushing relationship with a tantra teacher. I've had several awesome one night stands and a couple that were more mediocre. I've been shocked at how decent and caring almost all of them have been, and then shocked a couple of times by how shitty.

Maybe because it came on the heels of 25 years of being devoted exclusively to one person, it seemed like I just could not get enough. I was feeling both like I desperately wanted to connect with somebody and that I couldn't relax when there were all these men out there that I hadn't slept with! Somehow it was both lonely and feeding my soul at the same time.

In the last few weeks I seem to have settled into something really nice, though, and a couple of weeks ago I cancelled all my dates with men I hadn't met yet (except Frank, I grandfathered him in because I'd really like to meet him sometime!) and stopped obsessively browsing okc and tinder. I had three regulars plus one newish guy that I really liked and I was just feeling satisfied and happy.

Of course, as soon as I stopped with all the extra stuff, my regular guys started canceling on me and now I haven't actually had sex in about as long as I can remember. I think it's been ten days. Gah! But I'm seeing my main squeeze tomorrow and I've got a 40 hour date with my pornographer the next day. I'm sure I will fit my newish guy in when I get back. I haven't seen my tantra teacher for way too long, but he'll be back in a couple of weeks. Life is good and much more relaxed. And I want to just sit back and enjoy these relationships for a while. It might be nice to get into a rhythm.
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:34 PM
PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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This is awesome. I can really relate to your situation. I, too, ended a 25 year relationship/monogamous marriage less than 2 years ago and have been exploring my sexual side, as well as opening myself up to different types of relationships, friendships, etc. I've had lots of 'firsts' (many I've shared with my partner, Blue), and have had more sex since my divorce than in the last ten years of my marriage, lol. It helps that Blue has a very high sex drive & plenty of experience. Even better, I have lots of love from many different people in my life.

Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your blog
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Old 05-12-2015, 10:32 PM
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What an interesting dating pool you have Rubidoux. Sounds fantastic. May it continue and get even richer.
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Old 05-12-2015, 11:34 PM
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Thanks, Halcyeus! I'm always excited to see what's around the corner. 🙈

Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkPig View Post
This is awesome. I can really relate to your situation. I, too, ended a 25 year relationship/monogamous marriage less than 2 years ago and have been exploring my sexual side, as well as opening myself up to different types of relationships, friendships, etc. I've had lots of 'firsts' (many I've shared with my partner, Blue), and have had more sex since my divorce than in the last ten years of my marriage, lol. It helps that Blue has a very high sex drive & plenty of experience. Even better, I have lots of love from many different people in my life.

Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your blog
Hey, PinkPig, I don't see a blog for you. If you start one, I'd love to read!

The sex stuff is wild, huh?!!! lol My ex and I pretty much never had a good sex life until the last year (and I gotta say it seemed a lot better before I had other stuff to compare it to!), so I feel like I've been unleashed and I'm just running around like a crazy person. Sometimes I wonder, if I could turn back time and have the loving marriage I thought I had, if the sex alone would be cause me to decide against it. I've been having such a great time!!!

I've also been struck by the fact that I am making much stronger connections with lots of people. When I was married, he was my go to for everything and I just didn't reach out to or rely on others at all. I had no reason to really bond with other people and I didn't. Now I feel so much closer to all my friends and I'm more open to making new friends.

Last night I ran into a guy that I went on a couple of dates with several months ago. I really liked him and enjoyed spending time with him but he was so opinionated and pushy about his opinions that I thought I could not possibly have a relationship with him. It was a little too reminiscent of the dx and I thought if I'm feeling this way on the second date... ugh. But I've seen him out and about a couple of times in the last month and have felt really glad to have him as a friend. I feel strongly that whatever this reorganization is that I'm doing with my relationships, it's about more than just the sexual/romantic ones.
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Old 05-13-2015, 01:06 AM
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So, I really like my main squeeze, A LOT, but I'm worried he's not gonna work out. 😟 I'm feeling compelled to write about him today because I'm going to see him tomorrow and I want to be able to write about him while he's still in play. Will be too sad to have to introduce him as the guy I just ended things with.

So, we met on okc about 2 1/2 months ago. He messaged me first, but then I pretty quickly realized we weren't gonna have a vibrant text convo (which, it turns out, is rough on a relationship!), so within just a couple of exchanges, I said "wanna have a drink tonight?" We met at a Mexican place for margaritas and had a great time (we are perfectly capable of conversing in person, phew!). And then when we left, we made out in the parking lot for like ten minutes. It was relatively G-rated, but I swear it still makes me tingly to think about it. I'm very attracted to him, not sure I've ever quite felt like this before, and we have crazy chemistry. So a couple nights later, we suffer through a perfectly nice dinner and then run to his place and tear off our clothes. Everything about being with him is over the top great. He is the most dreamy kisser ever and every time I move even the littlest bit all night he kisses me. One night we fell asleep holding hands with our fingers laced together and woke up that way. It's like gooey sweet in such a nice way.

But I swear there is *something* wrong with him. At first I wondered if it could be that he's using steroids. He's super muscley in a way that doesn't seem like it would occur in nature, iykwim. And I think he's got a pretty low sex drive. (I'm not real sure about that though because I really don't know if he's having sex with anyone else. I think he's not. We haven't talked about that stuff since our first date when I told him that I had two other men I was seeing and he volunteered nothing.) He's also kind of apathetic. When we're together he's excited about me, smiling, affectionate, into me. But when we're not together he seems almost indifferent. He NEVER texts me. And then I feel like I'm pushing myself on him when I text him. I have a feeling that if it was up to him he'd see me every two weeks or so, which isn't nearly enough for me. And he's also apathetic about other stuff in his life, seems to have an "eh, whatever" attitude towards everything.

Then, last weekend I stayed over later in the morning than I usually do and realized that he plays a lot of video games. lol I have no problem with that in terms of how I feel about him or our relationship. As far as I'm concerned this is about sex and cuddling and enjoying each other's company. So, I'm not worried about his life goals or whether or how he gauges his own success. I think he's awesome just lying there playing xbox. But I do wonder if it's a sign or symptom of something, maybe steroid use, maybe depression, maybe porn addiction.

Then last week he was "let go" from his job. I'm working under the assumption that he was basically laid off because it's really none of my business unless he wants to talk about it. I just want to be supportive. But I can't help but wonder if they were seeing something at work that resonates with the stuff that's been bothering me.

So, jic someone here has some experience or an opinion about what's going on... I know he watches porn every morning. I don't really know if that's out of the norm for a single guy? He seems to have no trouble going two plus weeks without sex and doesn't jump at the chance to have sex even after two weeks, and he will have sex for literally hours before he comes. He is not in any way aggressive or macho like you might expect with steroids, but I don't know if that's always an issue with steroids?

At any rate, I'm just starting to try to work this out with him. What I need is to feel like I'm wanted and like I'm not bugging him. I would like to see him more often, but if I felt more comfortable not seeing him, I think I could handle whatever schedule he's comfortable with. I think it's possible that we can come up with some kind of solution but it may require heroic measures on my part. My sense is that he really doesn't like to talk about this kind of stuff.
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Old 05-13-2015, 04:29 PM
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Well, we've gotten a reprieve. Main Squeeze was called in for a job today, which is good news. I know he's really worried about his job situation. I was looking forward to seeing him today, but I also feel a little bit relieved. We had a nice text convo this morning, which is surprising and makes me feel a little better about things. But tonight I'm with my kids, tomorrow I leave to go spend a couple of days with my pornographer, then when I come back, the ex has some deal he has to do for work every night next week, so I will be with kids solid thru friday. My by then I will have chilled out and he will be DTF. lol Gah!

So now my attentions turn to my pornographer!!! Yay! I'm leaving tomorrow at around 6 pm and plan on being naked with him until maybe 7 am on saturday morning. Gotta be back in time for ex to get to work at 9 am saturday. He says that'll give us a good amount of time for a quickie. He is so much fun. I can't wait! Will write more about him later.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:13 PM
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My guess is the pivotal issue with the main squeeze is that he isn't comfortable talking about his feelings, i.e. he is awkward about being open due to how vulnerable that makes him and probably has some strong fears about intimacy and getting hurt related to that. What's more, apathy is very often an outward defence against emotional ups and downs you don't want others to know about. Basically, very typical guy stuff going on here. You're left having to wonder what is really up with him, which is no good at all. When he's not texting you or seems to have a low sex drive, I'm pretty sure that he's retreating inward to a safe place.

Porn addiction isn't really an addiction, in my opinion. I know some say anything can become an addiction but there is a big difference between the addiction itself generating the drive and compulsion to do an activity compared to activities which are so easily attainable and pleasurable that they can become bad habits. Porn is a lot safer than the "dangers" of actual sex. With porn you don't have to worry about being good at sex, being rejected, being judged, needing reassurance and connection, hurting someone's feelings, etc. When guys struggle with actual sex (usually for them meaning having trouble getting hard or reaching orgasm) its tempting for them or others to blame porn use, when really its almost always about underlying emotions they're struggling with that they may or may not be aware of and may or may not be comfortable with communicating to their partners about. In a way its a similar story with video games. Video games are relaxing and fun. They're a great way to switch off all the worries and concerns and go on a little pleasure cruise holiday from the stresses of life. When guys play way too many video games and/or spend too much time masturbating to porn, they're almost always finding things tough and look to those things to get some relief. That's the blessing and curse of them.

None of this will help make things better with your main squeeze. Nevertheless I think its helpful to know that the above is one reason many guys can get so stuck on porn and games.

Last edited by Halcyeus; 05-13-2015 at 10:15 PM.
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Old 05-13-2015, 11:50 PM
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Nothing to add - just wanted to say that I'm really appreciating this blog and the commentary you just made, Halcyeus.
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