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  #11  
Old 08-12-2012, 11:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If you say you are happy with that, I'll believe ya. But I just don't get it -- even when choosing a fuckbuddy it makes more sense to me to pick one with less baggage and less deceit.

I do not know why you are content to be hurting his wife. They are not divorced yet. The honorabale thing to do if you wanted to be with him is to WAIT until he is free. Instead, you've been lured into his weird.

In your first post you admit the whole thing is crazy and you want to get away from too much time/energy spent on him. Then in later posts you are defending/rationalizing his unethical ways when other people point out the ethics being messed up here and unhealthy.

That smells a bit weird to me. So I offer this in case you are in need. I'm NOT say in you are in an emotionally abusive relationship -- would not wish abuse of any kind on anyone. But if I get a whiff of weird, better I put it out there and you NOT need it and it just doesn't apply... than you need it and not know it even exists. That is the spirit in which is it offered. I hope it does not cause offense.

Take it to highlighter and see if any of that flags for you also.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

Quote:
I dont have a lot of people to hang out with and i dont really know how i go about making new friends, let alone finding a lover.
Isolation from other people -- that's a red flag.

On the meeting new people - get OUT. New people aren't just going to arrive in your living room. Pick something and pursue it and meet the people doing that.

Volunteer, attend meetings for a hobby, whatever it is that interests you.

Need feeding in the body bucket? Take up a sport or learn a dance.

Need feeding in the mind bucket? Volunteer to tutor or organize something.

Need feeding in the heart bucket? Sign up to do a hotline or put in time at a food bank packing food to help feed the hungry. Love on strangers who need it.

If you have a nearby UU poly thing or even if you don't -- go check out a Unitarian Universalist church service and see what the people might be like there if you find you need feeding in the spiritual health bucket.

You can find meetups in general too -- do a search.

You forge ties to your local community -- get on to forging some ties then. Those that will FEED you and not DRAIN you.

I hope for the best in your situation - but I have to confess, I'm worried.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-12-2012 at 11:37 PM.
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  #12  
Old 08-13-2012, 01:13 PM
Absolutzandra Absolutzandra is offline
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i am all over the place. i dont think the relationship is abusive. he is very nice to me and very sweet. i just want to look elseware, since he cannot ever give me a real loving relationship.

as far as isolating myself, like i said before, its really because i do not like the people i used to hang out with, nor do i relate to them any longer. this has nothing to do with the man in my life, but a lot of recent lifestyle changes i have made, completely unrelated to the man.

i do like your suggestions and i think i will start doing more things alone and putting myself out there to meet people. for some reason i just find the need to spend all my time with him. i guess its the sex? im not sure. but i am going to start spending more time focusing on meeting new people and putting myself out there more. its okay to see him a few days a week, but theres no need to be seeing him every day.

as odd as it sounds, i am really glad i posted this. it has given me a lot of perspective and the push ive needed to actually make some changes. i guess i was so lonely, not wanting to spend time with my old friends, that i am clinging onto this man to fill a void and occupy all my time.

the thing is, he is not really what i want at all in a friend or a lover or partner. we do not have much in common and when we hang out we just watch tv and have sex. dont get me wrong, i do love having sex, but the tv thing, not so much. he keeps telling me we are going to go out and do things, but then we dont actually end up really doing much of anything at all.

its like im blinded by the good sex and i cant see past that. rather than taking into consideration what i really want in a friend and a partner, its like i am just spending all my time with him so that i dont have to spend my time at home alone, or doing things by myself. i am a very social person, and i do enjoy being out and being around people, but i am never going to meet new people if i spend all my time in his bedroom, and not out in the world.

thank you for your kind words of encouragement and suggestions
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  #13  
Old 08-13-2012, 03:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Absolutzandra View Post
. . . for some reason i just find the need to spend all my time with him. i guess its the sex? . . . i guess i was so lonely, not wanting to spend time with my old friends, that i am clinging onto this man to fill a void and occupy all my time.

the thing is, he is not really what i want at all in a friend or a lover or partner. we do not have much in common and when we hang out we just watch tv and have sex. dont get me wrong, i do love having sex, but the tv thing, not so much. he keeps telling me we are going to go out and do things, but then we dont actually end up really doing much of anything at all.

its like im blinded by the good sex and i cant see past that. rather than taking into consideration what i really want in a friend and a partner, its like i am just spending all my time with him so that i dont have to spend my time at home alone, or doing things by myself. i am a very social person, and i do enjoy being out and being around people, but i am never going to meet new people if i spend all my time in his bedroom, and not out in the world.
Great that you have these insights. You actually sound like an addict. Now, do something about it. Go out, connect with people, flirt, go shopping, take a walk and say hello to strangers, have fun, see your friends. You may also want to read up on co-dependency and start untangling yourself from this very unsatisfying addictive relationship.
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