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  #1  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:21 AM
snwflk818 snwflk818 is offline
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Question Need Some Answers

Okay I am a 21 year old female. My boyfriend is 32 years old. I know that he wants to have other relations with other women. He has told me so. I am not sure what to do. I am what they call a golden retriever, someone who is loyal to the end, a monogamous person. He on the other hand has a very active sex drive and I don't want to hold him back. I know that he has had other relations with other women while we have been together. He has admittedly told me this. We have a difficult relationship as it is. We just tell everybody that we are boyfriend and girlfriend because it's easier for them to understand. Really though I don't know where to classify us. We are more just best friends who have a baby together and have sex together. I just need some help with this whole situation. I want him to know that an open relationship is a good option for our "relationship." I know that it will be hard on me but I am willing to open up to any option. I love this man but I know that he doesn't love me the same way if that makes any since. He is always asking me to find him a girlfriend and we can all live together. And he says that he will find me a boyfriend who can give me the same love I give out. I have told him that when the right woman comes along I couldn't live with him anymore. He doesn't understand that I feel that I would come in between him and this wonder woman's relationship. I am so confused at this point and have no idea on what to do. I won't him to be able to go out and let him be who he is. At the same time though I don't want him to feel bad that I'm not doing the same. I don't know if this would be considered like a semi-open relationship or what but I need to figure something out. Please help!
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  #2  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Alright. Here's what I think I am hearing.

BF WANTS/NEEDS/LIMITS
  • Want: To be in open relationship and have relations with other women (Fair enough to state a want. But it is not a NEED.)
  • Want: To have you find his next GF person (SO not reasonable to ask of you!)
  • Want:To end up all living together (nice dream, but the OTHER person may not want this, and YOU may not want this.)
  • Want: To find you a BF (Um... no. If you want one YOU find your own. Why's he so cavalier about controlling you? Are you a person or a thing to him? Or this this offered just to make it palatable and "fair" sounding? Rather than being honest in him wanting to run about willy nillly?)
    LIMITS -- none?!
    WHAT HE IS WILLING TO CONSIDER TO SMOOTH PATH -- nothing?!

YOUR WANT/NEEDS/LIMITS
  • want -- not to deal with his active sex drive
  • LIMIT: Not happy to be asked to seek his next GF
  • NEED: want to clarify the rship you have -- best friends who have sex sometimes and a baby together.
  • SOFT LIMIT: You are willing to entertain having an "open" relationship -- but with what rights and responsibilites as a framework? what boundaries? Sounds like only with clear framework in place.
  • WILLING TO OFFER TO SMOOTH PATH: see above

THINGS TO THINK ON

I'm not sure if he's polyamorous and wants to poly ethically or wants to hard swing ethically. Does he?

You sound monoamorous and want only him, want to be ok with ethical nonmonogamy if it takes your wants, needs and limits into account, but want to be free of lines being crossed.

Like him wanting YOU to find him a gf -- what the hell? Or him finding you an unwanted BF. What the hell?

Tread carefully, esp if he's cheated in the past. This smells weird to me.

GG
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  #3  
Old 08-08-2012, 07:11 AM
snwflk818 snwflk818 is offline
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Red face I'm A Push Over

I have always been a push over. In this current relationship it's more like run over and left as road kill. I feel uncomfortable with the thought of finding him a partner. I mean I am already a shy person and this demand makes me want to bury myself more in my shell. I love having sex with him don't get me wrong but some of his requests are a little over the edge for me. I need to know am I in the wrong here? It seems at times that he is living in some fantasy world. I mean what if his dream girl doesn't want a live in whatever I am. Our whole relationship has been f*ckd up from the beginning. He was with my aunt and then me and him went to a bar and got toasted and ended up in bed and 9 months later with a baby. Not exactly what was planned at all. I am very willing to open up our relationship bc I know that what is going on right now is not working. He seems to hold a lot of anger against me. GalaGirl would you give me some much needed advice.
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  #4  
Old 08-08-2012, 07:13 AM
snwflk818 snwflk818 is offline
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Question also

Also how do I set boundaries?
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  #5  
Old 08-08-2012, 09:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Easy. You decide you have a limit, and that there's going to be consequences if those are broached. For me? Lies? That could be a 1 strike you are out. Other things I am willing to negotiate on up to 3 strikes if person is honestly trying to improve self. More than that on the SAME issue? You aren't interested in working things out with me. You are interested in getting your own way all the time and not respecting my limits.

Now I am hearing THIS in your posts:

YOUR WANTS, NEEDS, LIMITS
  • want: to not feel run over and left as road kill.
  • limit: not happy with thought of finding him a partner. (soft limit that could change in time, or hard limit no WAY, jose! type?)

THINGS TO NOTE:
  • Our whole relationship has been f*ckd up from the beginning. He was with my aunt and then me and him went to a bar and got toasted and ended up in bed and 9 months later with a baby. Not exactly what was planned at all.

What WAS planned about your relationship? It doesn't sound like it was entered into with thought and intention. (???)

Maybe he's angry because of the baby? To support you and baby? He doesn't sound like he wants to be tied down but he's got some weird messed up ethics going after a niece. Why did you go there knowing he'd been seeing your aunt?

There are some people who want to complete a "set" you know -- a set of sisters, a mother/daughters, all the girls in a workplace, whatever. It is not cool, but so some people are. Is he looking to score with all your female relatives?

If you are willing to open your relationship -- why? You don't really sound like you want to. You sound like you are thinking about it to keep some tie to him. And what makes him so great that you want to take his leftovers and live feeling like roadkill all the time? Rather than being with a partner that treats you well and NOT roadkilly? Sometimes the choices in life are not win or lose. It is this stinks, and this stinks. Which stinks less?

To me? The stink of a break up is less stinky than years and years of roadkilly nonsense with him. RUN!

You are a young 21 with your whole life ahead. Even being a single mom -- that's nothing horrible. You are not the first and wouldn't be the last. *shrug*

I think you should think about what would truly make you happy in a partner and if he doesn't fit that? Dump him. You deserve full on happiness. Not dregs.

I'm sorry if this is Hard to Hear. But I mean it kindly. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You do not sound happy.

Remember even if you are poorly treated, you DO have worth, dignity, and value as a person. Never believe less. You are a PERSON. Not a THING.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 09:12 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-08-2012, 03:58 PM
snwflk818 snwflk818 is offline
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Arrow Thank You

I have been hearing from quite a few ppl that I needed to leave him bc he is too controlling. It is nice to get an answer from someone on the outside. Thank you for everything.
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  #7  
Old 08-08-2012, 04:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sigh. If other people in your life are telling you he is too controlling...

I'm going to post this for you to consider.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

Take a highlighter to it and really SEE what the fav playgrounds are if more red flags for you. And check out the rest of the website in case anything else speaks to you or your situation.

http://speakoutloud.net/

I am not saying you are being abused.

I really hope you are NOT enduring abuse. I would not wish it on anyone!

But your situation is starting to worry me even more. So let's keep it real, and I offer that just in case you have need.

Hang in there. And remember that you DO have worth, dignity, and value as a person.

hugs
GG
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  #8  
Old 08-09-2012, 12:02 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Reading your story put an image in my head about how you found your boyfriend. The image shows you putting on a blindfold, and walking into the unknown and accepting whatever you find there. My opinion ( take it for whatever you think it's worth) is you are in a toxic relationship. You got there because you acted randomly and without clear intent.

Galagirl says the pain of leaving a bad situation is temporary, while the pain of staying in a bad situation is permanent. I agree. What is your lesson here? Learn to do things with full awareness and intent.


When you do random things without awareness and intent, you risk walking into stuff that doesn't work for you. This relationship is one example of that kind of stuff. The bigger issue is the fact that you don't yet know how to do things with full awareness and intent. The smaller issue is this relationship you're in. Resolve the first one, it will become more obvious to you how to resolve the relationship.


The big question is - why is your self esteem so low that you do things simply because other people want you to? Time to have a heart to heart chat with yourself.
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  #9  
Old 08-10-2012, 06:55 AM
snwflk818 snwflk818 is offline
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I went to the website you suggested Gala Girl and it kind of scares me. The relationship I am in reaches a lot of the criteria that has been listed. In fact almost everything on that list has been a part of this relationship at one time or another.
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  #10  
Old 08-10-2012, 06:57 AM
snwflk818 snwflk818 is offline
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Default Snowmelt

I believe too that I am in a toxic relationship. It is time for a heart to heart with myself. I just don't know where to start. I would have to go way back to childhood age because that is when abuse started in my life.
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