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  #1  
Old 06-25-2010, 04:26 AM
Noname Noname is offline
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Default Am I thinking about this in the right way?

So after recently finding I might be Poly, http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3056 I have some more questions.

After reading a bunch on this site I am not sure I am going at this in a way that would work. It sounds like most start from a couple that decide to add a 3rd (or more). I have a GF and an ex that I have bounced between a few times in a year. The thing is I would like to be with both, but for different reasons. When I am with one I miss the other. Can/does a relationship like this work? Most things I have read seem to stem from a good deep relationship. I have a great relationship with the girl I am seeing now, but it has been less then a year at this point.

Second my plan is to approach the ex first with the poly idea. If she is up to it then I would need to talk to the GF. My thought is if the ex says no way I am not in a "weird" spot with the GF. Plus I am not just looking to add any girl, I miss my ex. Is this a bad way to approach the situation?

After reading I know I need to make a "list" of exactly what is is that I want and why. I need an idea of how I see things working. So this is still just in the thinking/planning stage.

Also I was talking to a friend the other night that knows my ex a little and the GF decent. Her big question for me was what does my GF get out of this. It was a valid question and one I had no idea how to answer. Any thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 06-25-2010, 05:29 AM
solarwindsfly solarwindsfly is offline
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I am rather new as well but it seems to me you know what to do. Asking the ex is good but I think you need to communicate with your current GF. She needs to know your feelings because she is someone you are close to now. If it becomes wierd then it might not be right for you. Thinking on what you want and what it takes to get it is something to put on that "list". Remember that the first rule of Poly (at least to me) is communication and the second is compramise Good luck!
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  #3  
Old 06-25-2010, 06:12 AM
Noname Noname is offline
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Well obviously my concern is that if the ex is not into the Poly life then why potentially mess things up with the GF.

For me it is about these 2 girls not looking for another. If it was about just adding another then it would be the GF that I talk to first.
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  #4  
Old 06-25-2010, 06:38 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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agreed that talking with the GF is probably a better way to go.

@solarwindsfly-I am not on board with compromise. If there is a compromise then that indicates to me that someone is missing out. No one should be missing out, but should understand the limitations and agree with the scenario. There should not be hard feels on an on going basis as this would be compromise. It is possible to do poly without that and in my life, that is preferable. Communication is number one... definitely agree with that

I see no reason why this shouldn't work in theory... it's the women in your life that will indicate that. They should meet, get to know each other, hopefully become friends or at least friendly and come to the understanding on their own time and in their own way. This can't go by your agenda as that would be pushing them... it seems to me that pushing and not being patient leads to heart ache and eventual unsustainability.
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  #5  
Old 06-25-2010, 11:59 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noname View Post
Also I was talking to a friend the other night that knows my ex a little and the GF decent. Her big question for me was what does my GF get out of this. It was a valid question and one I had no idea how to answer. Any thoughts?

What your GF gets out of this is that she gets to have other partners too if she wants. The same goes for the Ex. If you get to have more than one partner, so do they.

And I agree with talking to the GF first. If it gets "weird" because of this then it's not a very stable relationship and you're probably not going to be able to get through any crisis without it getting "weird" even if the two of you stay monogamous.

If I were your GF, I'd like to think you'd have the faith in me to talk with me BEFORE your Ex. I mean, she's an "Ex" for a reason, presumably, so you should prioritize the person you are WITH in my opinion. You should give your GF that respect if indeed you do respect her.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-25-2010 at 12:06 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-25-2010, 01:13 PM
joyfulgirl26 joyfulgirl26 is offline
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i would not talk to your ex first, and here's why:

if you talk to your ex and she is on board, then you have already created some expectations (or at least some anticipation) for both of you. you have already started rekindling *something* with her. then when you go to your girlfriend, she ALREADY feels like she is on the outside of it. if you guys were already in an established poly relationship and had had previous experiences, that might be different, but your girlfriends FIRST experience with poly would be "hey, i wanna do this and we're all ready to go and how do you feel about it?"

could you see how she might feel a little blindsided by that? that would put HER in the "weird" position of essentially having to say yes, even if she's not really comfortable with it, or risk either losing you or causing some serious resentment. THAT could "mess things up with the GF" way more way more than a no-pressure, conceptual discussion of polyamory.

it might instead be a better idea to bring up the concept of poly with your girlfriend first. give it a few days/weeks to sink in. make sure you talk about all the various aspects, pros, cons, etc. discuss all her concerns. hear her out. make sure that she feels solid about the concept BEFORE you introduce the ex factor in. yes, this will require that you wait a while before bringing the ex in, but it will set the tone for honesty and openness between you and your girlfriend.

and to be clear, there's nothing saying you can't discuss polyamory with your ex. send her some links, get her take on the philosophy and see what she thinks. just don't promise or even allude to something (a relationship or something akin to it) until you make sure your current partner is on board.

as for the positive gains for your girlfriend, that's a great question, and kudos to you for giving it thought. is she really independent? would she appreciate extra alone time to explore hobbies or personal interests? or would she resent having less of your time? could you all hang out together and do activities as a group? how does your current girlfriend feel about the ex? do they know each other? do they know about each other? not deal-breakers, but definitely something to think about.

another thing to think about that could be a potential "plus" for the ladies: would you be open to them dating other people as well? if not...at that point, what are they getting out of it? unless they're both bi and hot for each other, good friends (or potentially good friends) or both super super independent...well...i dunno, maybe just think on it for a while. put yourself in their shoes. that goes a long way.

sounds like you're on the right track...just don't rush into anything. best of luck to you and your ladies!

Last edited by joyfulgirl26; 06-25-2010 at 01:23 PM.
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  #7  
Old 06-25-2010, 02:44 PM
Irena Irena is offline
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Yep, I'm going with the majority here in saying "talk to your gf first," and I think joyfulgirl gave excellent reasons.

What I get out of my bf's other relationships includes: radiation of the sexual energy his other relationships generate; a special relationship with the other woman, if we like each other (it's kind of like a sister-in-law in some ways, with some obvious differences); better trust and communication than I've had in any other relationship. It's good to know he'll never cheat on me or lie to me about his interest in other women.

The "she can see other people too" angle is a little trickier. That might not be something she wants, or something you want. If the idea of seeing other people doesn't appeal to her, don't push that side of it; just let her know it's open in the future if she changes her mind. I haven't dated anyone else since I got involved with my bf, but I enjoy the freedom of knowing I can if I really connect with somebody.

If you're not okay with her (or your ex) seeing other guys, don't pretend you are. But be aware that that's going to make the arrangement a much tougher sell, and try to get to the bottom of your resistance to it. As a matter of basic self-respect, I'd never be in a poly relationship where I didn't have the freedom to pursue other people, and I think most people would feel the same, but if you can't stand the idea of either of them with someone else, you need to confront and deal with that now rather than saying what you're supposed to say, "Sure, baby, you can have other partners too" and then blowing up when it actually happens.
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  #8  
Old 06-25-2010, 05:12 PM
Noname Noname is offline
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Thank you all so much for the help so far. As I have said I dont want to jump into anything without deciding what it is that I really want and need. Then once I figure that out then I can do something with it. I know this is not an overnight process. I have learned a lot in the last few days.

Let me break down some of my thoughts and see if I can learn more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by joyfulgirl26 View Post
i would not talk to your ex first, and here's why:

if you talk to your ex and she is on board, then you have already created some expectations (or at least some anticipation) for both of you. you have already started rekindling *something* with her. then when you go to your girlfriend, she ALREADY feels like she is on the outside of it. if you guys were already in an established poly relationship and had had previous experiences, that might be different, but your girlfriends FIRST experience with poly would be "hey, i wanna do this and we're all ready to go and how do you feel about it?"

and to be clear, there's nothing saying you can't discuss polyamory with your ex. send her some links, get her take on the philosophy and see what she thinks. just don't promise or even allude to something (a relationship or something akin to it) until you make sure your current partner is on board.
That totally makes sense and was not how I was going to present it. It was more a feel it out with the ex and see if it would even be an option. I was not planning on getting the ex all ready to go with the idea and then dump it on the GF. It was a matter of if this is something the ex would consider then I really need to talk to the GF and work with her. Maybe that is still a wrong way of looking at it.

Quote:
as for the positive gains for your girlfriend, that's a great question, and kudos to you for giving it thought. is she really independent? would she appreciate extra alone time to explore hobbies or personal interests? or would she resent having less of your time? could you all hang out together and do activities as a group? how does your current girlfriend feel about the ex? do they know each other? do they know about each other? not deal-breakers, but definitely something to think about.
Well it was my friends thought, but I am soaking up all I can. As it is I am gone out of town 2 days a week for work so plenty of free time. My GF is very independent cause she has always had to do things for herself.

The ex and GF dont know each other, so I dont think they have an opinion one way or the other. The ex might not be happy with the GF as we are together but I dont know so I will have to ask her at some point. They both know about each other from the back and forth we did. I was honest with each every time things changed and I was back and forth.

Quote:
another thing to think about that could be a potential "plus" for the ladies: would you be open to them dating other people as well? if not...at that point, what are they getting out of it? unless they're both bi and hot for each other, good friends (or potentially good friends) or both super super independent...well...i dunno, maybe just think on it for a while. put yourself in their shoes. that goes a long way.
I am not sure how I would feel about them dating. I know it is one sided and learned on here that it is something I need to look into which I will. I dont think the GF would want to date, but I could be wrong. I am 50/50 on if the ex would. They are not bi, or at least I am about 99.9% sure.

I dont really see myself wanting to be in a V relationship but that might be where it needs to start. While the girls are different I think they have lot in common too. I think they could be friends and would hope that it would work where we could all do stuff together. I have wanted to share the fun things I have done with both of them. Me and the GF have a cool 2 day trip planned. I had to see the ex the other day and wanted to tell her about the trip, and in reality have her included, but I said nothing. I said nothing cause I didnt feel right and I didnt want to hurt her.

Of course each has somethings they like that the other does not. So there needs to be alone time with each of them.

Quote:
sounds like you're on the right track...just don't rush into anything. best of luck to you and your ladies!
Thank you, I am learning a lot and have a long way to go.

Last edited by Noname; 06-25-2010 at 05:56 PM.
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  #9  
Old 06-25-2010, 05:16 PM
Noname Noname is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irena View Post
Yep, I'm going with the majority here in saying "talk to your gf first," and I think joyfulgirl gave excellent reasons.

What I get out of my bf's other relationships includes: radiation of the sexual energy his other relationships generate; a special relationship with the other woman, if we like each other (it's kind of like a sister-in-law in some ways, with some obvious differences); better trust and communication than I've had in any other relationship. It's good to know he'll never cheat on me or lie to me about his interest in other women.
See and in a weird way I had mentioned in another thread that is how I felt when I cheated. I was getting getting something that made me happy, but only for a short while, which in a way made things better at home cause I was happier. I know it is not right nor what I really want, but that is how it was.

Quote:
The "she can see other people too" angle is a little trickier. That might not be something she wants, or something you want. If the idea of seeing other people doesn't appeal to her, don't push that side of it; just let her know it's open in the future if she changes her mind. I haven't dated anyone else since I got involved with my bf, but I enjoy the freedom of knowing I can if I really connect with somebody.

If you're not okay with her (or your ex) seeing other guys, don't pretend you are. But be aware that that's going to make the arrangement a much tougher sell, and try to get to the bottom of your resistance to it. As a matter of basic self-respect, I'd never be in a poly relationship where I didn't have the freedom to pursue other people, and I think most people would feel the same, but if you can't stand the idea of either of them with someone else, you need to confront and deal with that now rather than saying what you're supposed to say, "Sure, baby, you can have other partners too" and then blowing up when it actually happens.
This is tougher and I talk about it in my last post here. I am not sure how I feel about that and it is something that I will have to explore.
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  #10  
Old 06-25-2010, 05:19 PM
Noname Noname is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
agreed that talking with the GF is probably a better way to go.

@solarwindsfly-I am not on board with compromise. If there is a compromise then that indicates to me that someone is missing out. No one should be missing out, but should understand the limitations and agree with the scenario. There should not be hard feels on an on going basis as this would be compromise. It is possible to do poly without that and in my life, that is preferable. Communication is number one... definitely agree with that

I see no reason why this shouldn't work in theory... it's the women in your life that will indicate that. They should meet, get to know each other, hopefully become friends or at least friendly and come to the understanding on their own time and in their own way. This can't go by your agenda as that would be pushing them... it seems to me that pushing and not being patient leads to heart ache and eventual unsustainability.
Thank you. I have read a lot of the other stuff you have wrote on this site and it helps. I am usually a spontaneous, jump on it right away cause it feels good now kinda guy. From reading this site I have found I need to slow down and look at all sides of things if I really want something like this to work.
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