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  #1  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:28 PM
CrapEndOfTheStick CrapEndOfTheStick is offline
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Default Husband vs Wife and her Dom.. a matter of respect.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and about 7 years ago, my wife revealed that she is a submissive and wanted to live in the D/S lifestyle, with all the beatings, dungeons and bondage that goes with it. Flash forward to now, we are in an open relationship where she has a Dom, and some sister-subbies that she goes and hangs out with pretty much every weekend.. and I have our kids, the laundry and such.. I guess someone has to keep the house clean.

For most of the time since she revealed her preferences, things were okay enough, but as time has gone by, I've been noticing what feels like A. a complete selfishness in her and B. a complete lack of respect for me.

When all of this started, she and I agreed that if either of us had a problem with something the other was doing (or who they were doing), all that one had to do is say the word and it would stop. I've held up to that requirement when she got jealous of a girl I was visiting, however, every time I've told her that I don't like something that's either already happened or she tells me is going to happen, and I use my veto. She basically throws a fit and pesters and nags and fumes and argues and carries on until I finally can't stand it anymore and say "FINE! Do whatever you want!" ..

I found out recently that it probably wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't ever caved in on anything anyway. She informed that she and her Dom wanted to start doing slaps and strikes to the face. I sad emphatically "NO.. No way in Hell!". And of course, she started having a fit. I finally told her that I absolutely positively will not cave on this. Number 1, I don't care if she likes it or not, I don't like seeing bruises and red-angry marks on my wife's skin that I know were left by someone's intentional actions... I don't care if she wanted it, I still don't like.. Number 2 and it's big one. She works in a very conservative office, and the last thing I need is a bunch of office-harpies thinking I'm beating my wife up, because she keeps showing up every so often with a bruise on her face. I explained this to her and she told me I was retarded and basically, she didn't need my permission anyway. She'll do what she wants.

If anyone can explain that as being anything but completely selfish disrespect, I'd love to what it is. It also really angers me that, while my wishes are trivial and easily disregarded, her Dom's every whim is top priority. He says that she come up for the weekend, it doesn't matter how much my twins cry that she hasn't been home and done anything with them for the last 5 weekends, it doesn't matter that I asked her to stay home. Nope, can't disobey the master! Her husband of 12 years and father of her children apparently amount to nothing put up against her selfish desires.

I know this is a long narrative, and I apologize.. I'm at my wits end.. At this point, I'm about to drop the ultimate veto, which we'd also agreed to in the beginning. I'm about to say, "The open marriage is now closed.. No more Dom.. It's DONE." ... Part of me thinks she'll resent it, but she'll do it.. but another part of me thinks she might just pack her belongings and leave me and the kids.. It's a frightening concept, but at this point, I've about had it and can't think of anything else I can do.

Anyone have other alternative courses of action? And before anyone says it, I've been to plenty of live demonstrations, I know how the bruises are made.. it doesn't make me feel any better about them and the bruises are just one issue out of dozens anyway.

I apologize again for my tone, I'm just very frustrated, angry and hurt these days.. and I would appreciate some advice.

Thank you.
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  #2  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:44 PM
Amitrye Amitrye is offline
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This relationship sounds like it's teetering on the edge of a cliff.
1. Why isn't your wife willing to listen to you at all? When you talk do you go to the arguing place like right away or do you sit down and tell her what you need/want?
2. Something that's missing that would be a big issue for me: You say your wife is out every weekend and you spend that time taking care of the kids. Where is the time for you and her to be together and when do you get time to yourself?
3. Why is the dom/sub lifestyle so important to her? You know what you don't like about certain aspects of it, but have you guys ever discussed why she feels like she needs it?
4. If her dom knows she has children (and I assume he does) how does he think it's ok to order her to come over there every weekend? I know that both he and she enjoy that situation, but as you stated, the children are suffering from not seeing their mother. I know a lot of people who are doms, but there are boundaries of sorts and there is enough respect for their subs there that the life outside of that means something too. As a sub, she may be the kind of person compelled to do everything her dom asks of her. As a dom, it sounds like he may be asking too much. Have you tried talking to him instead of her, or is there no way for you to have a calm conversation with him? Normally I don't recommend going around your partner to try to resolve the situation, but I have a kid and I have a weak spot where kids are involved and if talking to him would help- great.
It sounds like if you want to save your marriage you may both need to be open to and agree to therapy- to work on the communication if nothing else. I know adding another person (even a counselor) can't always be the answer, but in this case if your communication with each other is that poor she may need to understand why you don't want to have bruises on her face (among other things).
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:55 PM
CrapEndOfTheStick CrapEndOfTheStick is offline
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I always state my oppositions to whatever she's proposing calmly and along with my rationale.. She goes straight into the arguing place.

I forgot to mention that I have spoken with her Dom about all of this, on several occasions for several different issues, and though he says, "Okay! Not a problem! You're her husband, you have the final say on what we do.", he doesn't follow through on his end, and I have a strong feeling that my wife is the one that tells him "You don't have to listen to him, Master!", and he isn't difficult to sway because he didn't want to respect my wishes anyway.

On top it all, this wasn't the way is was supposed to be.. She was supposed to have her playmate, and I was supposed to have a playmate.. but she is too jealous for that, and apparently I am too respectful of her wishes in that respect. Am I being a pushover? She says that I'm the one who is selfish and don't want to respect her needs. Am I? The irony is that I'm not even really vanilla! I have some pretty solid kinks of my own, but I don't force them on her, even though she basically has blocked me from finding a playmate of my own to enjoy my fetishes with... She's also said that she doesn't want me to even try to learn the BDSM lifestyle and become her Dom.. "It wouldn't be the same." she says... I'm really bitter, exhausted and confused here...

Last edited by CrapEndOfTheStick; 08-06-2012 at 02:58 PM.
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  #4  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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*hug*

I am so sorry you are going through this.

A person can sub to a dom, but it is done with consent with the power exchange and since there's a husband and children -- I'm worried her dom is not a responsible dom. It's edge play, but it should not become child neglect! I get the high of subspace -- but seriously neglecting husband and children is just neglect. Maybe she's an addict to all the feel good endorphin things going on with the edge play? Does she even want to recover?

It's a double standard here -- what is good for goose is good for gander. The door is open on your side too -- whether or not you avail yourself of that option. Her jealousy and whatnot -- is it really jealous of you? Or that she'd have to put time in holding the fort at home when you have dates and she doesn't want to?
Quote:
I always state my oppositions to whatever she's proposing calmly and along with my rationale.. She goes straight into the arguing place.
If she's often BDSMing, does she have enough time to clear her system of the hormone soup? The fight/flight response and subdrop thing could lead her to GRRRR when you want to talk. It can take a few days to clear. If she goes out a lot -- it could be like you are living with an addict/drunk person whose thinking is impaired. It isn't an excuse for neglecting things at home, but I wanted to point that out because it makes things that much more of a challenge if you are trying to talk to her seriously.

At any rate, you do not sound happy in this marriage. I think you DO have to talk to her firmly -- about your wants, needs, and limits.

And you may need a counselor and it may mean navigating a decent divorce if she's not willing to work things out with you.

Again I am so sorry.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-06-2012 at 03:05 PM.
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  #5  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:08 PM
CrapEndOfTheStick CrapEndOfTheStick is offline
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I would go out hunting for a special friend, but she gets very mean-spirited and difficult to deal with when she knows I'm with someone else.. god forbid, she thinks the girl is better looking than her.. doesn't matter what I say.. besides, she has her time all booked up.. If I told her I wanted to go out, she wouldn't cancel her plans, she'd just make me take the kids to their aunts, and they'd cry that Daddy is leaving... also, running against me is that I have a neuro-muscular movement disorder that came upon me over the last year or so, and it lays me low on a semi-regular basis.. On those days, I have to take the kids to their aunt's to watch them, because it is beyond my physical abilities to do so.. so then I have to feel like I'm abandoning my kids and I feel like a completely worthless piece of guilt-ridden crap.. If she would just stay home on those weekends when I'm physically messed up, the kids would be happy, I would be happy, but I guess she wouldn't be.. I don't know.

I do thank both of you for your responses.. you've definitely given me some things to think about here...

Last edited by CrapEndOfTheStick; 08-06-2012 at 03:16 PM.
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  #6  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:31 PM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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My girl also has a Dom/Bull, BDSM is not something I like or understand. However I respect the fact that she was with him before me, and also that she enjoys that side of her sexualality, and that she does not get that from me, although we tried, and had fun. It was fun though because we had a good laugh, and that's not what she wants. She has always has been 110% sexually submissive to him, and still is, so much so that when he wants to be with her now, he is. She is not submissive to him out of the bedroom though, and is very much independent of mind and sprit.

What troubles me about your post is you say there is no respect shown towards you, and that your opinion and feelings count for nothing, this is the opposite to us. Everything we do is done with consent, when something bothers us, we talk it out. An example of this is the marking up of her skin. I didn't like touching and kissing my girls sexy ass, only to find it covered in lots of red marks from where she gets spanked and whipped. We discussed it, and now there are no more marks. I respect their need to enjoy their BDSM stuff, but they respect my feelings also. I could not be with my girl if she didn't show that level of care for me, and vice versa.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CrapEndOfTheStick View Post
I'm at my wits end.. At this point, I'm about to drop the ultimate veto, which we'd also agreed to in the beginning. I'm about to say, "The open marriage is now closed.. No more Dom.. It's DONE." ... Part of me thinks she'll resent it, but she'll do it.. but another part of me thinks she might just pack her belongings and leave me and the kids.. It's a frightening concept, but at this point, I've about had it and can't think of anything else I can do.
If that is true, I really think you need to ask yourself if you want to be in that type of relationship, I would not, I would feel as if I was wasting my time.
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  #7  
Old 08-06-2012, 04:15 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Unfortunately I know what you talking about ....its very sad.

I doubt you will have any luck talking to her ...save yourself ...save the kids... also having their kink come in contact with the kids by accident ... like emails..texts ...pictures, video is really damaging and expensive to clean up.
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  #8  
Old 08-06-2012, 04:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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May I ask how long your wife has been involved with this particular dom? If it is a rather new relationship, she might be experiencing what some experienced BDSM folks call 'subfrenzy'. (I don't consider myself one of those 'experienced BDSM folks' btw.) It is similar to what poly folks call NRE or new relationship energy. NRE and subfrenzy can cause folks to make very stupid decisions, ignore prior relationships, ignore common sense and generally make asses out of themselves. Subfrenzy in particular can cause subs to seek out more and more extreme stimulation, more extreme scenes, ignore safety protocols, ignore their own good sense and instincts in choosing play partners. I suggest you go on fetlife.com (I realize looking at a BDSM website is the last thing you want to do!) and look around. There is some interesting stuff on subfrenzy as well as on being a sub in general. It cannot hurt to get some perspective on s

I mention this not to excuse her actions, but to give you another perspective on possible 'why's'.

It is very disturbing that she is ignoring your requests and encouraging her dom to do the same. It is very disturbing that he knows you are not happy about this situation and continues to do what he is doing. A respectful dom - one who gives a shit about his subs and their whole lives, not just their part in his - would have at least gotten more information from you and your wife.

It is possible you may have to threaten to end the relationship to get her attention. It is possible that in the throes of subfrenzy she may decide to end her marriage with you. Unfortunately, it seems to me you are already at the decision point of staying in the marriage or not. And that is something you can control. You can't control her decisions, her actions, or her beliefs. I wish you the best.
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:05 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrapEndOfTheStick View Post
I'm about to say, "The open marriage is now closed.. No more Dom.. It's DONE." ...
This. If it's not working for you and she isn't making an attempt to make it work, this is what's left.

It reallyreally sucks, yet that's what it is.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #10  
Old 08-06-2012, 07:17 PM
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onceuponadream onceuponadream is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrapEndOfTheStick
Quote:
I'm about to say, "The open marriage is now closed.. No more Dom.. It's DONE." ...
This. If it's not working for you and she isn't making an attempt to make it work, this is what's left.

It reallyreally sucks, yet that's what it is.
I'm very sad for you. It does not sound like a good situation.

As someone in a marriage AND in a BDSM relationship with our girlfriend, as well as having kids, I can say that what you describe is crossing lines both in BDSM etiquite as well as what I think you have described as your open relationship.

It very much sounds like a 1 sided "openess". I have to agree with the above poster that it might be wise to close shop for a bit and regroup until the two of you can find some middle ground, if at all.

Last edited by onceuponadream; 08-06-2012 at 07:21 PM.
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