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Old 04-25-2010, 08:01 PM
Archangel Archangel is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Default In need of advice.

Hello to all.

Let me start out by saying that my wife (R) and I have been in an open relationship for about 10 years now, and it has been very successful. However, what had been pretty solid as a swinging sort of situation has evolved into more of a poly one.

There are two other women in my life, E and S. I have been friends with E for ages, and S has been a recent, and initially, more casual addition.

Let me add also that while quite a number of our friends have known that R and I have an open relationship, they do not know specifics of who is involved (namely E and S), and our families know nothing about any of it.

The problem now is that, due to the miracle of failed modern chemistry, S is pregnant. She has decided to keep the baby, and I am not about to back down from my responsibilities, so in the end, we plan to have her move in with us to live as a quad, with this being the second child (my wife and I have one already).

The dynamics between all of us is the least of my concerns, to be honest. What I'm worried about is coming out to friends and family under these circumstances. It's one thing to admit the nature of our relationship - that's not something we've broadcasted, but we've never been shy about admitting it to those who have wondered or asked questions, either.

But this is a double whammy to those who know nothing, and I don't know how to handle it. To approach my father to explain that my wife and I sometimes have other women in our life is one thing. To say that, as a result, he's going to be a grandfather again is another entirely. And S's parents are an even bigger concern, as she is very young and will have to explain how she got pregnant by a married man, but is fine with moving in with him, his wife, and his other girlfriend.

Again, the dynamics of our core group are the least of my worries. Both R and E are supportive of S, and of the baby, and have both vowed to help in every way possible to raise this baby in one big loving family.

But the judgment of others is a concern. I do intend on browsing the "coming out" threads on here, but this seems to be a notch above most of those in complexity - please does anyone have any advice?

Thank you from all of us in advance.

- M
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:51 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Congrats on having a new baby. It sounds like the baby will have lots of positive adult attention growing up.

As for coming out, I think you will have to come out big (full story) instead of small (bits and pieces dropped every now and then). I have a feeling you will get many different types of reactions. For the negative ones, one response may be that they see you dealing with the consequences of an unnatural, sexual lifestyle. Another respsponse is concern that this will ruin your marriage or hurt the kid.

I think you should address that everyone is committed to helping the kid grow up and that there is a loving environment.

I think this will greatly challenge many people's views of what a family should be. So just be ready for anything. Know that some reactions will be gut responses with little thought. Allow for time and show patience. Some people will not be convinced that this is ok until they see it in action.

I think the worst you may see is people forbiding your whole family from visiting since they may see it as wrong. You have to decide if you will only bring some people or refrain from visiting entirely.

When I was in a triad, I let people know that both women were my girlfriends. If we stayed the night somewhere, we would stay together. A lot of times that meant that we did not spend the night somewhere.

I wish you luck.
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:56 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thats definitely complex. I can't imagine how to bring this up...I wish you the best of luck, the initial few paragraphs I was thinking "ok this is familiar, reads exactly like how my adventures in poly started"...then comes the curveball.

My concern...not really a concern, my thought...do you have to "love" the woman because she is pregnant? We know how often this works out in mono world. Don't try to love someone if you don't actually love them. Baby responsibility is different of course.

I wish you the best of luck ...
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Old 04-26-2010, 12:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Congratulations on the coming baby.

First I want to say that it is possible to make this work. I am married to Maca and we and GG decided to have a baby-she is biologically mine and GG's, but because in our family home there was already my daughter, Maca's son and maca and I's son who all call maca and I mom and dad, we opted for having her call maca dad and GG by his name. It's a technical detail that worked out well for ensuring a sense of security for all four children.

BUT-I also want to caution you to look into legalities before you suddenly come out in a big way.
There have been issues with people who come out as poly and then have family members drag them through court over custody of the kids.
This isn't to say that they lose their children. That generally won't happen unless someone can prove neglect, abuse or mental incapacity of the parent.
BUT dealing with it is a big big emotional nightmare.
So check into it.

In no way am I trying to bring a gloom and doom attitude on your situation. It can be a WONDERFUL situation for all of you. But just be sure that you are cautious in ensuring that you know your rights.
You might call and ask children's services what their take on it is-anonymously of course.

Good luck and again-congratulations!
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