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Old 08-12-2012, 05:20 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by LadyKane View Post
This is amazing. *shakes head* I know I'm not involved in this situation, but I've got a similar one going on in my life, and it's like you looked right through everything and read my own issue out loud to me. I have a lot to ponder. Thanks for posting this.
I'm glad I could help.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:57 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

I'm kind of the opposite... I wish my boyfriend was interested in my friends (or the other way around)! And sure enough, he wishes I was interested in his friends, too.

Sadly, it seems that our tastes in partners don't match each other's taste in friends. So we'll have to do it the other way around, be friends with whoever the person starts dating.
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Old 08-13-2012, 07:30 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post

Your fear is that people in your orbit will do things without involving you. That fear inside you wants to tell you that if the people in your orbit do things without involving you, that really means they are telling you you're not important to them anymore. You believe this. When you're not important anymore, the very people making you unimportant (by doing things without involving you) must be using you when they do things without involving you. Your comfort zone has been in place to make sure you feel important.

What to do about it all?

Your energy is shifting. Going with the flow of the shift is like a swimmer diving off the high diving board with proper body posture - fingers pointed straight ahead and head in alignment with the body. She hits the water with minimal interruption of the water surface, and moves quickly through it. For you, the water is the change you are experiencing. Your journey through it can be this smooth if you let it.

Or, you can let your comfort zone tell you how to move through this change (Hey, wait for me!!). Instead of the swimmer in proper form, just haphazardly do a cannonball of the high diving board. That will send the water everywhere, make quite the drama, and you'll move through the water much slower. Both of these examples seem totally different, don't they? The truth is, both have the same person, the same direction of movement (down) and the same water. The only difference is how the swimmer moves through the water (through the change).

snowmelt, thank you so much for your reply. When you talk about my need for a comfort zone and control (you did not actually mention this word but I think that sums it up pretty good) you are spot on.
I've been thinking about all of this for the last couple of days. I sent my BF an email that I don't want to be in a relationship where we tell each other what to do, who to date or who not to date. That I want to explore freedom with him.

He sent me back a text to thank me for the email and that he would reply later. He did not, for the last 24 hours, - which is very unusual for him. I was supposed to go to have dinner with him and his kids tomorrow, but sent him en email yesterday saying that I'm not comfortable with that right now because I think we have so much to talk about and that won't be possible with the kids around (it would only be the second time I met them). We have scheduled to go away together next weekend, and that will be the perfect time to reconnect and talk and be together without rush or pressure.

I still haven't heard from him and I'm beginning to be really anxious. This dynamic is so typical: I'm withdrawing, yet when he responds to this withdrawal with equal withdrawal, I get so nervous. Yes this is about control... I really need to work on this....

I CANNOT spend another day waiting for an email or text. Ugh.

thinking about this:

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
A question I think is interesting to ask you:

What would your life become if you dropped all the rules of your comfort zone? Instead of looking at this question so seriously, I encourage you to have fun with it.
I suppose in my comfort zone, I need constant reassurance that the other person still wants, likes and needs me. Even if I have started to want, like and need the other person less.
My life would be a lot more fun and a lot easier if I did not need this constant reassurance, that's for sure.
How to drop the rules of the comfort zone? Easier said than done.. I wish anxiety had a switch to turn it off...
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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Old 08-13-2012, 04:56 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

I applaud the courage you have looking at yourself like this. I hope you keep working at it until you find your core fear. I grabbed the most revealing line in your reply:

Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I suppose in my comfort zone, I need constant reassurance that the other person still wants, likes and needs me.
Another way of saying this is you need to make sure someone else likes, wants and needs you before you are able to like, want and need yourself. Your next step is to look within yourself and ask yourself why this is true.

We are getting closer to finding the real fear in you. I received the private message you sent the other day. I replied. I'm not used to sending private messages on this forum, so I hope my reply reached you. If not, let me know and I'll try again.
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Old 08-13-2012, 09:16 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
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I would too. In fact, I've had a similar situation come before, and realized that is a hard limit for me. I empathize with you Cleo. Keep examining, keep doing the inner work, and figure out your limits.
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