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  #21  
Old 08-11-2012, 01:38 AM
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Celticgirl Celticgirl is offline
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I don't think it went terribly wrong. I think it is great they both want sex together with you and without. Well in my poly relationship triad. I wouldn't want a women that didnt want sex with him when Im not there. That is the whole point everyone is there for each other when someone else isn't. I wouldn't mind a quad relationship because there are times when everyone isn't home and you still can have sexual times with who ever is. I don't mean to sound mean but being open in a poly relationship and trust between everyone shouldn't have so many rules. It is better knowing everyone is open for sex but between just you 3.
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  #22  
Old 08-11-2012, 06:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi butterflieluv,

You have a wealth of wonderful comments and advice already here, so I don't add too much. My key observations are that

a) you all three agreed on a certain set of rules,
b) two people broke the rules,
c) they failed to tell you they were breaking the rules, before or after the fact.

Supposedly they were going to inform you "when the time was right." Presumably you were going to renegotiate the rules after your girlfriend moved in (which you thought was obvious -- never assume; we learn that in poly communication; no amount of obvious is obvious enough if it hasn't been formally declared and agreed to).

The end result was that your trust was bashed up, your feelings were thrown into tailspins, and you now struggle to have the loving relationship with them that you had before the foo foo hit the fan.

Two questions you have to ask:

a) Can you forgive them?
b) Can you trust them?

Forgiving them is letting go of the bad feelings this may have all brought up to you. It is saying to them, "I mean you no ill will, we are friends, I don't want us to lose that, I want us to learn to trust each other again if we can."

You have the power to forgive them, straight up. But learning to trust them again is going to take some effort on their part. They need to show that they are committed to being more trustworthy toward you in the future. Find out (in your own mind) what they would need to do to restore that trust. Make sure it's a reasonable pathway you'd propose for them. Then, ask them if they'd be willing to do it.

The regular sit-downs you have, especially with respects to any re-negotions that may be in order on the rules, is an essential, and will help avoid much of this unpleasantness in the future. It will help them feel safe about having a limbo arrangement to live with for a short time. Sometimes people suddenly find they're in need of a rules change, and they don't bring that up because they're chicken. Have the regular sit-downs, and they won't have that excuse.

One last thing to consider. You were afraid they'd leave you if they got together just as a dyad. Well, here they've gotten together as a dyad, and got caught no less, and yet even in this awkward moment, they still totally want to keep you with them as a loving partner. I don't know if that actually dispels one of your fears. Hopefully it does.

They may have feared that you'd do the leaving. Right now is a time of restoring trust that you'll all three stick together, and work things out, when the chips are down.

It's survivable. People in polycules have broken the rules before, and have been able to go through the forgiveness and regain trust process. You can do it too. You're already doing it.

Be honest about what you can/can't do. If there's a "future goal" one person has that doesn't mesh with the other two persons' goals, take some time to talk that out and look for compromises.

It's not over yet. Let love, communication, and time do its healing work. Keep your ties with Polyamory.com for whenever the chips are down. We're here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #23  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:32 PM
butterflieluv butterflieluv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
She has feelings for you so it's easy to imagine, want, or need to be sexually intimate with YOU! While she prefers sex in general with men, she also enjoys sex with you because it's with YOU.
Yes, I am starting slowly to understand this about her and about myself. I don't fit into a box or label so I should not expect her too either.
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  #24  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:34 PM
butterflieluv butterflieluv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MassageGemini View Post
No ones perfect, everyone makes mistakes. I guess my suggestion is to be honest with yourself and figure out whether or not you want to give them both a Second chance. Then be honest with them.
I agree. And being honest with myself right now is equally important. Thanks for you helpful input.
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  #25  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:36 PM
butterflieluv butterflieluv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Similarly, I know others in the LGBT community who identify as straight or gay-and are actually in relationships that don't fit their identification because they fell in love with THAT PERSON-even though that person wasn't their sexual preference.
Yes, I do agree as well because I don't identify with one side of the fence or another. Slowly I am understanding this , especially with what you said about your bf. I admire you.
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  #26  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:46 PM
butterflieluv butterflieluv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
How you feel today?
I am feeling better day by day. Thank you for asking.

Today I am meeting with both of them together where we are going to openly and honestly talk about everything and everyone's wants, needs, and feelings.

To my surprise, this was the initiative of not myself, but my bf, who wants to make sure I understand it was never his intention to replace me and own up to breaking my trust and not being honest.

So I will update later everyone on the outcome.

I am taking everyone's ideas, thoughts, questions, and useful information with me and now that I am calmer, I can think clearer, and ready to continue breaking own the elephant in the room. I feel I have a support system in place and starting to understand more about myself, and what can be in the future.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Maybe you Answer: I want to be with you know, in a triad. I do not know what over time will bring. I cannot answer that part right now. But if pressed to answer, I want you both. If that is a dealbreaker for you, then we need to address it now rather than later.
Yes, this is what I told gf because I want to be 100% honest. We are going to be discussing this today as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Maybe you Answer: I don't want a baby right now or marriage, but I'm touched you would ask. Thank you. Yes, I want to be in a triad right now with GF. I do want to try to work it out. If it doesn't, we will reassess. But I don't want to think about future polyships when we are IN one right now that needs tending.
I agree, I am going to be discussing this too because you are correct, I am NOT comfortable with getting married or having a baby right now while we have not fully worked out the current issues.


I am also going to try your suggesstion on the wheel with myself, and with both gf anf bf, and trio tier.

Wish me luck, I will update soon. and @GalaGirl, thank you for sharing with me your conflict resolution and framework as a V.
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  #27  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:51 PM
butterflieluv butterflieluv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Two questions you have to ask:

a) Can you forgive them?
b) Can you trust them?
You are right Kevin, I have forgiven them and ready to work out the kinks and move forward. And I agree, trusting them is something that is going to take time. But I want to trust again, and I know that is a good start.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
You were afraid they'd leave you if they got together just as a dyad. Well, here they've gotten together as a dyad, and got caught no less, and yet even in this awkward moment, they still totally want to keep you with them as a loving partner. I don't know if that actually dispels one of your fears. Hopefully it does.

Yes, this does dispel one of my fears and over time I believe I will be fully able to understand how to be successful in a triad realtionship without fear. Thank you for your thoughts, very helpful
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  #28  
Old 08-11-2012, 10:29 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Good luck on the talk!!!

Remember, it's not necessary to solve everything in the first go around! If you each get anything figured out-anything at all-that IS progress!!
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  #29  
Old 08-11-2012, 11:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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GL! Remember to breathe!

And elephants in the room can take more than one session. Just make next appt for next week and be living regular life in between. One baby step chunk at a time, and sooner or later it's been broken down into something more manageable and no longer elephant size!

Breathe, breathe.

GG
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  #30  
Old 08-13-2012, 11:53 PM
butterflieluv butterflieluv is offline
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Default Update #1

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. An update on our trio meeting are:
-we discussed everything that happened and got everyones feelings, wants, and needs on the table. (one tiny bit of the elephant gone).
-we also agreed that for right now that both bf and gf want to focus on developing a friendship with each other and develop more of a deeper realtionship with me. We have all three agreed not to be sexually intimate for 30 days on all duo and trio tiers.
-we are having a followup meeting on the 25th to rediscuss where we are and how to move forward.

The meeting was 5 hours, but I feel a 1000% better, and the burden of being hurt is going away quickly.

Now it is time to rebuild trust and I think we are going down the right path this time.

So glad I found this forum and hope to be able to learn more about poly life and meet others
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