GalaGirl: Conversations Already in Progress.

[GalaGirl]

A TENDER MOMENT

In thinking about values, here's another one. In a partner, I value them looking out for me. I want to help look out for them. It's the exchange of support/nurture thing.

DH guards me on stairs automatically. Either going up or going down because in our life together? I've fallen down stairs and hurt myself in both apartments. We bought a flat house. There's no home stairs any more but he still guards me. He's decided I'm terrible at stairs so he walks behind me going up to push gently on my back to stop me from tipping over backward. He walks ahead of my going down so if I need a shoulder to lean on it is there already.

He opens and shuts doors in gentlemanly fashion. He carries things like the shopping. He seats me at tables. It's just how he is. That's his style. I appreciate it. He's not particularly formal. He's not a gentleman. He's a gentle man. I like that.

He rarely gets all stern with me but he has. Once time he grabbed my shirt shove me aside behind him and ordered me to stand still and I got annoyed and he paid me no mind and I had to peer out around him to see what the hell got him all cranked up.

"What?!"

"I don't want you stepping out just yet. There's a weird guy out there right by the exit and until he goes away we're not going out there. Other people are avoiding him too."

And it was true. Some strange man was carrying on in the street and there were other restaurant patrons lingering in their departure waiting for him to drift off. Who knows if the dude was drunk or what? But nobody needs to bump into problems. I hadn't even noticed the guy.

The other morning I woke up all hot. We've been sick. I flung the covers off and was debating getting up to take meds and go back to sleep or just stay up for the day even though it was two hours before the alarm.

Suddenly I felt the heavy hand of Frankenstein in the gloom. It was DH in his sleep reaching out to me and patting my body clumsily. Clonk. Clonk. Then he was patting around the bed. I didn't know what he was doing and watched in fascination. His body was curled up facing away from me in his fav way to sleep. He was just flinging his arm backwards toward me rooting around in the dark.

He flapped his one arm around a bit and found the blanket. He grunted when he found it. Then he threw it back over me and spent some time arm flapping about to get it back on me as full coverage as possible in such an awkward way. He said "Mmm" when it seemed like he was satisfied with the blanket arrangement.

Then I got two pat-pats on my stomach in a vaguely reassuring way and I heard him go "Mwah!" like he was blowing me a kiss. Next he drew his arm back to himself and rolled up back up into side sleeping ball facing away from me. Shortly the snoring started again.

Even in his sleep the man is looking out for me. Oddly touching.

Later I asked him if he remembered doing all that and he said no.

But he grinned and offered this -- "All I know is that you are a blankie pig and if I want blanket myself I have to defend or you will come snatch mine."

He's so weird. Amusing.

Galagirl

[GalaGirl]

ON GENERAL "HAPPY" and "PITFALLS"

Happiness ensues. If you want to know what kind of behavior I've been engaging in that causes happy to ensue?

Having a good time with friends, family, and DH in low key ways.

Day off Thurs with DH while kid was in school. I'm not sure what we did. Probably our fav -- doing nothing in particular. Just got the car fixed and hanging out in each other's company in the day then kid's school party that night.

Friday the kid had off school. We laid low at home but went out to eat and did some shopping. My Abused Friend called and we chatted for an hour after her counseling session. She was needing to talk to get other perspectives.

Saturday was a Halloween party. Chatted up friends while the children ran around. My friend gives an annual Tarot reading and it was fascinating that DH had 9 out of the 15 cards I had. All of mine revolved around things being in balance between two and facing changes well. (Hello, hinge much? DH and I shared a private giggle on that perspective. We're not esp "out" though some friends know how things are with us.)

Today was church and kid went to a playdate and we got to lunch date as a couple. Got to pick apart the sermon and enjoy conversation. Came home and he took a snooze while I did some journal writing. Then friend came over to do some homework on my computer and we played some board games after dinner.

All in all? Low key fun. Just the way I like it.

In terms of Engagement work -- we had a lot of just heart to heart talks and what ifs, and covered "Avoid the Pitfalls and Reap the Rewards of Polyamorous Relationships" for this Friday's article o' the week.

It's a sensible bullet list of things to touch on in conversation. I like how it is arranged to be easily digested/accessible.

Both of us were baffled by section 8 though:

Pitfall 8: failing to get what poly demands of us all

• Romantic involvement with a poly person who is also romantically involved with someone else automatically obligates us to always act in good faith and be mindful of the best interests of all involved.
  
• Be respectful of other loves place in the life of our mutual love
  
• Be cooperative and flexible
  
• Be generous with our partner's time and attention
  
• Recognizing that what we do that hurts our partner's partners hurts our partner as well
  
• It's a package deal
  
• Not about competition. If you feel a strong need to compete or preten that other partner's don't exist, you are definitely on shaky ground.

Jedi player, dude. And while I can appreciate all that in a polyamorous context, I was still shaking my head thinking "What the hell? That is normal in ANY healthy relationship. Monoship, polyship, friendship, siblings, parent-child relationship, coworkers, whatever."

If I were to rewrite it that way for "healthy relationship" it sounds so creepy. It's like my brain does the fortune cookie game. Only instead of reading the fortune cookie sentence and automatically adding "in bed" to the end of it? (And my fortune cookie today was "Trust your intuition...in bed." Haha.)

It's like reading that rewritten and tacking on "versus being a psycho nutjob" to the end automatically. Check it out:

Pitfall 8: failing to get what being in healthy relationships demands of us all

• Being in healthy relationship with someone who also has healthy relationships with other people automatically obligates us to always act in good faith and be mindful of the best interests of all involved. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  
• In healthy relationship, be respectful of other people in your person's life -- other relatives, other friends, romantic partners, coworkers, etc. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  
• In healthy relationship, be cooperative and flexible. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  
• In healthy relationship, be generous with your person's time and attention. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  
• Recognize that what you do/say that hurts your person's people hurts your person too. Don't do that if you want a healthy relationship with your person. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  
• It's a package deal -- in healthy relationships you can expect that there are other folks in your person's life besides you. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  
• Not about competition. If you feel a strong need to compete or pretend that other people in your person's life do not exist, you are definitely on shaky ground. (Could you be a psycho nutjob?)
  

Alright. I know I exaggerate.

But dang! What's wrong with people? Don't they think about being in healthy relationship? About remaining in RIGHT relationship with their people?

I just would not have put #1 in the article as "Lack of poly education." I would have made that the #2.

I would have listed "Lack of Basic Personal Relationship Skills" as #1. And that includes relating to YOURSELF.

Emotional maturity and social maturity. You cannot expect to get along well with others without building those maturities up. People will go running for the hills when you show up if you chronically behave like a difficult I-dunno-what.

Lordy.

We are free to choose how we behave. We are NOT free from the consequences of our behavior.

Galagirl

[LovingRadiance]

LOVE your tender moment!! Oh so beautiful!

As for healthy relationship. No- most people don't think about. Everyone would be happier and healthier if they did. But most people are just going through the motions without any consideration of how their actions create the results.

[GalaGirl]

ON ORGANIZING INFORMATION AND CONVO SNIPPETS

So over the weekend one of the things I did was organize information. I was also thinking about various convo snippets in the last few months. The conversations are not in chronological order. Just as I muse them over in my head.

Me: Hey. Do you want to read the poly article o' the week in themes or by author? I'm keeping a checklist so I know what was already covered.

DH: Themes?

Me: Really? You want to spend weeks at a time covering jealousy? I mean, going deep isn't wrong. I would just find it exhausting. I was thinking by author. Because then the experience is like pass and repass. See how different authors vary in their perspective on the same major themes. Contrast and compare. Plus the topic changes each week.

DH: Ah. I didn't think of it that way. Let's go author then. I don't think I can take weeks and weeks on the same topic.

Me: Author it is. First up is getting through Anita Wagner.

DH: Ok.

Wagner is at

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html

I've been all over that in the past. But WE have not as a couple. So here we go.

Then there was the time I was just musing about "poly being weird" being only as weird as it is in your framework of experience.

Me: For fun you could cruise Kerista or Oneida and then ask me about teenage me going over all that.

DH: What?

Me: Some poly history players. Getting to know your wife's interests and thoughts before you knew her. Or we could talk about concubines I know and their adult kids and grandkids I grew up knowing. That's a poly system I've brushed up on.

DH: Chinese side of the fam?

Me: Yup. Ha. Can I have a second husband? Instead of me being the second wife/first concubine?

DH: Sure. (grinning)

Me: Not that the OTHER side of the fam didn't have it's own dealios.

DH: What family DOESN'T have dealios?

Me: Touche. Nothing new under the sun.

Or me reading things online and suddenly blurting out to him behind me at his desk playing Sims.

Me: Argh. You know what?

DH: What?

Me: We definitely have NOT got a monoship.

DH: Oh?

Me: It's definitely closed polyship of two. Some of this stuff I read just makes no sense to me and does not compute.

DH: Like what?

Me: Like if you come into your own poly-awareness after marriage... and you are not be willing to out yourself to your spouse? What kind of crap is that? The spouse has not created safe emotional climate for you? They were shirking in their duty then. To you and to the marriage.

DH: Some people aren't comfortable with emotional intimacy?

Me: But flip it. What kind of spouse are YOU then, witholding critical information about yourself from your spouse? That's brushes up on lies of omission. What kind of marriage climate are YOU creating of false sense of belief? The other guy cannot mind reader you. Shirking duty. To them and to the marriage.

DH: That's to do with basic relating. That's nothing with mono/poly being together. It's just wrong.

Me: How can mono/poly be together without honest relating? What the hell? Everything to do with it. It IS wrong.

He just looked at me, shrugged. I started to laugh. He went back to his game and I went to my 'net surfing. It was one of those "pretty bowl / pretty fish" moments where we arrive at the same conclusion but from different perspectives/journeys.

Took the kid to play and while she was boing-boinging around and we were sitting watching her and other children run amok I grinned at him and scooted closer on the bleachers so my thigh was pressed up against his.

Me: See that? I'm flirting.

DH: Ooh. I can do that too.

Me: Oh?

DH: (leaning in to whisper in my ear) What if I told you I love it when you get all wet when you think about being in a Good Share?

Me: Ack!

DH: Because I know you do. It turns your crank.

Me: Yay. Turn my crank! Share me!

DH: I bet. (laughing)

Me: Like it doesn't turn yours.

DH: Never said it didn't. You know it does. You just like it when I twiddle your brain.

Me: That's all it ever needs to be, brain twiddler.

Talking in the shower about Abuse Friend and their ongoing saga.

Me: I don't know. I think divorce would be best all around. She wants to try to work it out with CHANGES in behavior. That's their business but oy. Drama.

DH: I would not be up for that.

Me: Me either. But again -- their business. Not my life. Sigh. I know I wouldn't go there.

DH: Yup. You wouldn't. They were not realistic at all about Opening. Especially Opening when Broken.

Me: Ugh. Let's not do that.

DH: We're not broken.

Me: So? Let's agree ANYWAY.

DH: Alright. No Opening broken!

Me: Maybe we go through all this Engagement and decide not to Open anyway.

DH: So? I'm enjoying the process. I like being Open to you. I like knowing you in other ways.

Me: We could Open and it never comes to pass.

DH: So? Same difference. Already I see benefit to improved communication.

Me: Same. It's too easy to get slacker on communication.

Me: Sad.

DH: What?

Me: That people seem to expect not to have to tend their marriage. Like you get to the altar and that is it! Sealed for life! Never have to work on it again or tend it or anything.

DH: Lame. It has to be tended.

Me: Agreed. Tend to me.

DH: Ooh!

Me: (laugh) Perv.

DH: Yay!

Now my Abused Friend just called. Coming over. I don't know what new tales of strange I'm going to hear. Sigh.

I really wish other people had happy marriage like I do. We're not always sunshine and rainbows every second of the day. (Moodlet.) But overall? The umbrella meta-mood? It's pretty sunny and bright. We're good. Solid. Comfortable. In love. Understand each other. The sight of him walking into the room STILL makes me light up after all these years. I hear his key in the lock at the front door and sometimes I run screaming to the door just like the kid does. "Dadddy!" she yells. Only I yell "Lover!"

Whee!


(DH -- love you, kid. And happy anniversary. 19 years this week. )

Galagirl

[LovingRadiance]

Awesome!

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I really wish other people had happy marriage like I do. We're not always sunshine and rainbows every second of the day. (Moodlet.) But overall? The umbrella meta-mood? It's pretty sunny and bright. We're good. Solid. Comfortable. In love. Understand each other. The sight of him walking into the room STILL makes me light up after all these years. I hear his key in the lock at the front door and sometimes I run screaming to the door just like the kid does. "Dadddy!" she yells. Only I yell "Lover!"

Whee!

Yes! This.

We have had our stormy days - and the weeks we spent recuperating from my "Jackassery" were TOUGH. But, really, I look at the marriages of our friends and I am sad...I would not want to be married like that.

JaneQ

PS. Even my mini-panics of yesterday - because MrS is out of town and I can't have my "touch -reassurances" from him (our new mock-game is that I store my reassurance inside his left elbow...because that is the place I can reach when he is at his desk and I am on the couch ) - just reminds me how cherished I am on a daily basis. (In response to my anxiety: Last night I got a "long-distance tucking-in" phone call from MrS, Dude cuddled me awake this am and had my coffee and morning-routine items laid out on my desk waiting for me, and I got a "good morning" text from MrS...today was a good day!)

[GalaGirl]

ON POLYAMORY 101 AND AN ABUSE VENT

Article o' the week was Polyamory 101.

It was a short easy read. Nothing we did not already know. DH said it would be nice as an overview to a book and then later go deeper into each chunk. I don't know that Anita Wagner is planning a book or not but I like her writing.

We both liked the article as a basic overview thing. Plain and simple. That's a good thing.

That said? It's was kind of weird reading for last night given the circumstances. Like one end of the spectrum to another.

[...]

I basically had a good but tiring day. DH was so tired he came home to crash after work while kid and I were off to hang with some friends. When I got home I was looking forward to getting the kid into bed and then later spending time with DH. When I walked in the door and the phone rang? I just KNEW it was Abused Friend. Some feeling I had.

I was right, but I didn't guess it was going to be like THIS!

She sounded terrible! She told me that she told her estranged husband that evening that it really is OVER (again) and he went bonkers (again -- second time) and was making a scene on the street. RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE!

I won't detail the rest. I don't want to write too much about my friend's personal drama unfolding. I don't want to put her at risk as she sorts her life out. But my experience of it? Surreal!

It was a strange experience for me "holding her hand" via phone while the whole thing was going down. She had to hang up but then called back later to tell me he went away...for now. I am really worried for her. She's got to deal with ongoing creepy from estranged man. Ugh.

DH tells me he doesn't think the guy is more than bluff. Which is bad enough at verbal abuses but still. He thinks she's safe. He also says he thinks this guy is behaving all kinds of wrong -- it is NOT his business any more. What she does or does not do is HER business. They are OVER as a couple and it's just sorting out legalities at this point.

I tell him "I sure hope so. This is one time where I want to be SO WRONG. But the leaving time is the dangerous time." I want to believe she is safe but I cannot know. Extreme jealousy is fucking scary. I told her I worry and WHY. She knows the leaving time is the hardest time.

So it was pretty weird to be reading such a basic article last night on opening up right at bed time with DH after catching extreme weird by phone shortly before. The article doesn't touch the impact of extreme jealousy and it doesn't really have to in such a basic article. But I do wish articles on jealousy did include warnings on extreme jealousy and how to recognize "normal jealousy" from "extreme jealousy."

Hell... Do NOT abuse! Teach abuse recognition! Learn to recognize abuse! Society as a whole could improve on doing this.

It was him who brought up the Opening Up thing to her too. How's that for taking the cake? He is the one that wanted to open and trips out when she handles it better? Ugh. Was it supposed to be some kind of "test?"

I'm worried. I really hope his extreme jealous does not go to the place of "If I cannot have her, nobody can!" Scary. I called her today and she says she's as best as can be under circumstances. I'll call her again later to check in. Things are very tense for her.

Argh. I HATE THIS.

Sigh.

Galagirl

[GalaGirl]

ON BEING HAPPY (SMALL UPDATE)

And the behavior lately that ensues in "happy" this week:

Some quiet time alone with DH at work and child at school. I enjoy silence. It is welcome, esp after last week with Abused Friend stories. I don't mind being supportive, but I also need time on my own "restore to balance."

Went out with a different friend (who is amused and tells me I'm all "den mom" to our circle of friends.) We are growing a friendship so it was nice to clock some time there.

I'm not the only den mom but yes, that is part of my personality. Even in college, it felt at times I was "den mom" to THAT group of friends. I take after my own mother -- over-responsible.

Over the years I learn to just LISTEN and let people figure it out on their own rather than assume responsibility for things not in my turf.

We went to a Whole Foods tasting/workshop thing and got to sample some interesting foods. Then when I took her home we had a nice long chat about life, the universe and everything. It's nice we're working on building our relatively new friendship.

Saw my parents, and it turned out fine. For the 2nd time in a row I went in dreading it and I talked myself into a realistic zone with the mantra of "Expect little, forgive much" on the drive over and apart from minor annoyance from my mom about my hair the visit was fine. I steered away from election/political talk and kid was her boing boing self and the visit was relatively short -- about an hour because afternoon errands sucked up some time and then we had to get home to dinner. All things (adjusted attitude, short duration, avoid charged topics with patient dad) added up to "actually enjoyable!"

I always worry on some level about my mentally ill father having a cow, and then having to deal with talking him down from a panic attack while riding out my OWN building anxiety but so far he's been low key. I've dealt with dad cows before -- I actually deal with them fine. I can set my anxiety aside and deal with the crisis. I just don't like dealing with my OWN postponed ARGH when I get home and clearing out the hormone dump of "fight or flight" from my system for a few days after. It feels grody to me. Ugh.

I'm still not satisfied with mom about some points of his care but really? I'm not going to sue her for custody of him either. That goes back to not being over-responsible. He's her husband, she's the primary caregiver right now -- not me.

Still chipping away at chaos in the house, but enjoying having more space since we carted crap off to storage. Friend's coming tomorrow to help. Having him help makes things MOVE forward even in baby steps. Yay. Laundry is the main challenge right now -- trying to launder and give stuff away the kid outgrew, we no longer use, etc. Fixing one side of the closet shelves would help so I have to get on that.

Looking forward to date with DH Friday night. We have babysitting in place and now it is deciding where go for dinner/movie. I don't even care where. I just want to go eat somewhere that does NOT have a kiddie menu and watch a movie that is NOT rated "G."

Some of my volunteer work needs tending and falling a bit behind but I'm happy with it -- school, church, women's group. The pace is not demanding at all.

So basically I'm happy when my life problems are minor (water heater, plumber) and my relationships (friends and family and DH) are chugging along well, and volunteer work isn't in crisis mode.

I just don't like things going all crisis mode on me and I know which parts I can control and which parts I cannot and mostly I manage to arrange my life in such a way right now that I'm not experiencing crisis things of my own.

So I'm feeling successful -- in my own anxiety management. Go me!

Galagirl

[GalaGirl]

Just Checking In

No poly article of the week this week. Date instead.

Which was fun in a low key way -- initially it was dinner/movie but it ended up as dinner/visit adult store because we wanted to chat and pull out of date mode at any time in case we were needed at home or if I started feeling ugh. (Not feeling great.)

So we enjoyed the cheap diner eats and the long drive out and back. We hadn't been as a couple in a long time to this particular store so it was fun to see how everything had changed.

I don't remember what we talked about in great detail. It was just mellow. I do remember talking about NRE/ORE balance and neither of us being especially keen on "veto" powers. Give input, be considered but not veto.

He made me laugh when he told me "I trust and value your input in other areas of my life -- why not this?"

I'd still expect him to make his own choices and me mine. But it is reassuring to know he wants to hear me. I know I'd want to hear him.

When I stop to check on any vomitous anxiety feelings? Most of them are still.

We're both enjoying a crush of mine on a mutual friend -- and he's got a bit of liking in that direction too. That's fun to fantasize on. It's also fun to hang out with friend because I know he's watching me squirm in pleasure.

It's a safe fun way to explore some feelings there with the "what iffing."

Of course, everything going in the positives because that's more fun to "what if."

I have to ask him to what if some negatives with me. What if I DID get together with this crush person and we broke up and I was all moody pants. How would HE be? Balancing his own friendship with person and my ugh and their ugh?

That's part of keeping it real. To me anyway.

Galagirl

[GalaGirl]

ON CHANGE

I've thought about this a few times but haven't managed to post it.

My College Age Friend ended up calling after dumping a mess at me over Facebook. Mutual friends and I tolerate her acting out times but it's wearing thin. I know she's got anxiety and stress but dude. It's college. It is adult living. What do you expect? There is always something going on in Life! Who is conflict free? Dead people? Sheesh.

With the things you can control? Change! Stop overscheduling self. Plan resting times. Get enough sleep, eat well. See your doctor about treating your anxiety in appropriate ways.

The stuff you cannot control? Don't try! Let go of unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, wishing other people would do X. They control them, not you. Don't like how they run their ship? Steer your own away and don't hang out with them then!

Mind boggling.

"It is not that simple!" I hear.

When actually? It IS. Willingness may not be there to make a change. Change may be hard to feel. But the actions for change are dead simple. You choose to do something different. Choose. Do. There. Done.

Sit back and see what happens next. There's always another round and another choice around the bend.

“Life is a crap game, two bits a shot. When you’re cold, you’re cold and when you’re hot, you’re hot.” ~Loose Lips, Rita Mae Brown

Galagirl