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  #61  
Old 09-16-2012, 02:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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EMOTIONAL FLOODING: WHEN OVER, WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER?

SCENE 4: MY DESK

I went back to my desk to sort myself out by writing in my journal.

MAIN TOPIC: What I could have done better? Him?

I could have stopped, dropped, and rolled. (I know that's for your clothes being on fire, but it works for emotional flooding. Other things are on fire then.)
  • I could have STOPPED the conversation. Way back in the bathroom even.
  • I could have DROPPED into my internal mental files to check in with our playbook of how we agree to treat each other.
  • I could have DROPPED into my internal mental files to check in on Jedi Conflict Resolution agreement.
  • Then once having checked myself on those agreements, I could have ROLLED with it in this conversation with better grace.

Since I did not do it in the heat of the moment, let's do it now. (And he could also develop the habit of stop, drop, and roll. I don't have to be the ONLY one checking the playbook internally.)

{Outer Meta note to self: Or maybe I did do a playbook reference in the gut. But my brain needed time to catch up? In reading back up there I see I was trying to be mindful of his needs but struggling in the moment to articulate that well. That I'm trying to look out for him too. Is he looking out for him? BOOKMARK.}

Playbook --

ME:

I failed to give him the right to clear communication because I did not finish all my bucket check ins first.

My bad.

Take home lesson: FINISH the check in before delving deep.

While I have the right to support and nurture, and did ask for it, I did not specify HOW I wanted it to come or in what shape until much later in the conversation.

Take home lesson: do that earlier. I could have owned the bit about knowing and stating my wants, needs and limits better from from the get go.

Make it a habit when asking for support/nurture from partner to define what KIND of support/nurture I am needing. HOW I wanted it to come in.


HIM:


He could not give me the right to constructive feedback because he was operating not fully informed.

He could have said, "Hold up there chickie -- finish the bucket checks so I know where you are coming from fully today. Don't sail into me on a deep Mind thing without showing me the rest."

He did not report his OWN state in the situation – neither bucket check in nor in the emotional flooding time. If I don't have the info I cannot give HIM the same back -- his right to constructive feedback. How can I package my words in a way he can hear if I don't know where he is at?
Meta: That adds to my frustration. Keeps me in a recursive feedback loop holding pattern I struggle to break out of. And if he tells me things like "I don't want you emotionally flooding. Be careful" I grow resentful because I don't want that either. Who wants to flood?

But I'm not getting information I can USE from him. And I have not yet learned all my skills so I can articulate this need in the moment.

Minder readering him drives me crazy. Here's more frustration to the pile. Wheee!
(META META: And there's the rub again to the work situation. Wanting information from someone I respect and value, but feeling like I have BEEN asking for it several times and I am not getting it in a way I can understand. I need to know what they want from me. I am trying to get that info. I am not getting it.

But I cannot ask the person how to do that better because the my problem is learning how to ask the person for info and they need to meet me halfway! SPEAK UP!)
He could be more assertive about taking HIS fair turn in these things so his voice is fully represented at the table.

He could not give me adequate support/nurture because he was operating not fully informed.

He could have said, "Sure. I'm willing to give you support/nurture. What shape? Who am I here in this role? Just a listening ear? Or a listening ear that also gives "fix it" suggestions? Because you SAY X and you seem to mean or need Y in support land. Please clarify you wants, needs, limits first. "
(Because it is a classic woman / man thing we fall into. Even KNOWING it is a classic woman / man thing!)


He told me several times the emotional price tag could be red lining here.

Oh, he SO shone here! I love him for doing this. If he has to fail on any plane I rather he fail on the mundane plane and stick to the Meta Standing Order!

I get my shit back together MUCH faster when he does this firmly!

The first time it was verbal. I know that. I don't remember the others times but the time at the dining table he made big swoopy arms when going “price tag is THIS BIG!” just like I have asked in the past.

I'm a visual learner, visuals will reach me well before audio penetrates well.

(DH: You rock here. PLEASE listen to the meta me telling you this IS the way to go. Even if the daily moodlet me is all atwitter. I need you to call me on it, tell me to STEP OFF, and make some visual gesture. Wave the chicken! )

Note: why doesn't he sate his own price tag state? I could learn to ask him for it. He could learn to just spit it out. That is refining the waving of the chicken. We can always improve.

While I feel better for the vent and recovered relatively fast from it? I could have spared myself the stress of emotionally flooding by telling DH ALL my buckets first.

So...yeah. Because I derailed into the deeper Mind bucket problems of the day triggering emotional flooding. Had I COMPLETED the bucket checks and moved down to Heart I could have reported the more pleasant gooshy kooshy fragile, and he could have talked to me from a placed of better informed.

Everyone own the pieces of the elephant. Tiny elephant, but don't need any in my living room pooping on the rug.

Progress, not perfection.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-16-2012 at 02:24 PM.
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  #62  
Old 09-16-2012, 02:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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EMOTIONAL FLOODING: EMOTIONAL DRUGS IDENTIFIED

I'm not a brain scientist. But I know hormones and dump. This is your brain. This is your brain on hormone drugs! And I was mixing emotional drugs here.

Whoosh! Brain cascade!

Drug 1: Physical tiredness. No explanation needed. We are often tired. Trying to work on that. Nobody performs well exhausted. Do not drive Big Conversation while exhausted.


Drug 2: Feeling gushykooshy tender emotions.
The bittersweet sweets are fun tender moments to feel. But are FRAGILE tender moments because of the Shared Vulnerable. (And more so because this time it gushykooshy in my public thread, where people can peek at my panties. I allow it but still different than totally private gushykooshy because on some level I feel exposed.)

Drug 3: Feeling extreme frustration with a work situation. This is a hard leash for me to hold because I am tempted to snap it and let that dog run off into the Angry place. Sometimes anger can be harnessed for the forces of good -- energize you to ACT for instance. In this work situation, that's the wrong crayon to use. So cannot risk letting the dog go there. Down dog. Sigh.

Drug 4: Escalating stress. Just adds to the ugh. I wonder if by the time I am feeling the stress in my stomach that's the brain dump of the adrenalin/cortisol/fight-flight thing? I want to learn my PHYSICAL tells. A warning bell like that would be so useful. But I can't see me. There's not always a mirror. I wonder if DH could help me there? Report what he sees?

LESSONS

So the take home lessons?
  • Go easy at the end of the day. We are both eager to connect to each other emotionally and mentally. But we're also both not feeling fresh or at our best. Don't talk about bad trigger things when tired and emotionally fragile! Even if the fragile is from gooshykooshy yummies. Fragile is fragile!
  • Good habit to develop -- Finish bucket checks first before going deep into ANY one bucket.
  • Don't mix body and emotional drugs when fragile or else you may get an unexpected synergystic effect.
  • Call a "time out" when experiencing flooding. Go check playbook. Bookmark always an option. Make appointment for delving deeper if needed in other areas.
  • Look for the pat on the backs for ME -- Which I articulated to him.
  • Look for the pat on the backs for HIM -- I will articulate this to him verbally in a minute when I go to bed but here in this entry?

Thanks, hon. You were stern with me even if I get all stroppy about it in the moment. But it really does help me to clarify and get myself OFF that train a lot faster.

I will get miffed/mad at you in the moment, but overall it's shorter, endurable on my end and hopefully I don't blow at you too badly.

It's using my temper in constructive ways -- applying the anger toward getting OFF the crazy train. Rather than keeping me ON it.
INTERRUPTION IN THOUGHT FLOW FROM INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR AT WRONG TIMES BOARD MEMBER:

Would have been waaaaay more interesting/fun to keep the drugs the same and if feeling the intensity amp up in heart bucket in that moment, to choose to expression of it in getting all *ROWL* in the shower. Whee! Shower sex!

Rather than choose expression of it in weird venting/crazy that domino effects into emotional flooding.
But we learned something today. So yay.

Humor Lady: NOW let's figure out when the *rowl* can happen.


Shut up! Maybe. I like shower sex. Hrm...

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-16-2012 at 02:33 PM.
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  #63  
Old 09-16-2012, 02:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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EMOTIONAL FLOODING: CLOSING UP CODE

OK, so we went into the emotional spaghetti code. We're still not all the way out. And I need more work to get things lined up. Life does not always allow expression when you need it, but that's what bookmarks are for. I need to make a bookmark with him at least at the right moment and come back to expression later. Then my emotional internal code can read alright to me.

FEELS ought to link to their EXPRESS.

Otherwise you derail into the IF THEN ELSE one of
IF I feel something
THEN I must express it appropriately
ELSE I am too full emotionally. Kinda fun when too full of whee! Kinda sucky when too full of GRR. But in the end emotional indigestion is indigestion.
So code style summary of the whole shebang. Only using colors for visual cues and indents like in code.
Feel fragile kooshy "aaaawwww!" feelings for DH in office
Get distracted feeling "UGH!" Work problem feelings in shower

Get distracted feeling mixed drug feeling cocktail (aka : emotional flooding) <--- here's the emotional code bug. Messing up my alignment. Ugh. Oranges should bracket reds.
ENTER SUBROUTINE: Go deal with processing of emotional flooding things in journal to get the emotional vomit out of the way. Try to harvest usable nuggets initially and then over the next few days.
Express "Ugh!" work problem feelings in dining room first and then check on subroutine.

Express how emotional flooding handling went.
(it was just the initial findings on the day of happening. More to come later as I digest.)
Meta Feel "yay!" emotional and mental intimacy feelings toward DH because we navigate a flood THING well.

Express fragile kooshy "awwww!" feelings for DH in bed <-- we are here in this post. Trying to tie up weirdly nested emotional spaghetti code so each FEEL got it's matching EXPRESS

PENDING Meta Express "yay!" emotional and mental intimacy feelings toward DH
. (Oooo. Potential mixing emotion drugs again sighted. And those play nicely. Back burner that. )

SCENE 5: THE BEDROOM

We get ready to sleep. He's already in bed when he announces he's done for the night. I respond that I'm going there myself in a minute. I brush my teeth and floss, thinking about blog entry I've been writing and noting my action list items.

I go to bed and announce we are NOT having sex. Because we have a chronic problem lately with lack of sleep, and staying up to hanky panky while fun has us paying out of the sleep bucket. (My intent is to express the kooshy fragile at this time and I'm laying out NON DISTRACTY SPACE to do it. )

He grins and agrees. But informs me I can sleep naked. You know. If I wanted to. (ARGH! He is distracting me! Of course I want to! I get nekkid!)

I own that I took over the convo earlier and derailed and wanted to hear about his bucket checks.

I thanked him for complying with standing Meta Request to be very stern and firm with me if I go hopping on a crazy train (of emotional flooding).
DH: You are welcome.

ME: I know that's hard to do, and I applaud you doing it. It works out SO much better in the end. Even if the moodlet me gets stroppy about it in the moment.

DH: Yup.

ME: I try hard not to fling unfair anger your way but a small dose of productive anger helps me get myself out of there.

DH: I know that. I understand that. And you are kooshy.

He was changing topic. So I mentally deliberately changed gears.

Me: Ah. You read my blog entry then.

DH: Yup.

ME: Well, I'm working on another one describing the flood process. I'm sure to you it felt like “where the hell is this coming from?”

DH: Yes. It did.

ME: We did a bad there not completing bucket checks. I didn't get on to Heart and Soul. And you didn't remind me to finish or present your own buckets besides Body. We could do better there next time.

DH: I agree. But we're all good. I'm good in buckets.

ME: Tell me about it.

We spent some time completing the bucket checks we'd started, going over loosely (because he knows I'll write a longer blog entry for deeper plumbing depths) how we handled the flooding, and then backing up one entry in my blog thread to cover breaking up well.

ME: You know what? If you came to me and told me for some reason you had fallen out of love with me... that you loved me but were not IN love with me? I'd set you free. It would kill me because I do love you and I am in love with you, but I would set you free. Because I love you so.

DH: I know that. As would I. But that's not even a question.

ME: I know, but it needs talking about.

DH: I know, but the magic is still there for me. If anything we get worse.

ME: I know. The spark is still there for me. We tend to it well. I like to think if tending was missing or lacking we could speak up about that and get on with re-tending. But if re-tending did not work we could part well.

DH: (laughing) Be nice to my ex or I KILLLLL YOU!!!!

ME: (laughing) Well, if we still feel that way about each other I don't see anyone having to be killed because we aren't parting ways and are not exes.
Silence.

I get all gushykooshy teary and enjoy laying in his arms with my head on his chest and he stokes my back.

Savoring the bittersweet sweet moment.

Then I start shifting out of his embrace because I want to kiss him. Because I am feeling all lovey passionate about this crazy man that is my husband.

And the crazy man goes “What are you doing?” in an alarmed way.

Me: I am trying to kiss you, silly. Why?

DH: Oh. Because it is dark.

ME: (having the giggle fits) You make it hard to kiss you. Now I am giggling.

DH: Well, we are not the most graceful. It IS dark. I don't want us to clonk ourselves.

ME: (still giggling) OMG! Clonking! See? This is WHY I love you. I'm all "Oh, I love you so!" and then you come out of left field with “Help! It is dark! Look out for clonks!”

DH: (somber voice on purpose) Clonks have happened.

ME: (snickering) Agreed. But it IS funny.

DH: Ok, Kettle.

ME: Alright, Pot.
DH & ME almost at the same time:


Me: Pea

DH: Peapod.
When it starts to move out into our personal banter code for knowing each other WAY too well? Both where we are so in sync we are like two peas in a pod or when we are so contrarily the same it's like the pot calling the kettle black?

You know what happens next.

It devolves into shenanigans of the sexy kind.

Which it did. And that so satisfies. Mixing emotional drugs in a good way.
YAY!

Meta Me: Hee hee. Moved from back burner to front burner. Score!


GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-16-2012 at 03:16 PM.
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  #64  
Old 09-17-2012, 02:14 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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POSSIBLE TECHNIQUE: HOW TO GET ME OUT OF EMOTIONAL FLOODING RECURSIVE LOOP

So after all that, I was talking to DH over the week. The Saturday after it happened (9/8) and then again today (9/16). We kicked it around a bit and just to have it on digital paper so we remember... here's the plan to try.

Let's call it "During Care" for an emotional flooding episode.

1) Be firm, loud, stern in voice tone.
  • I have to be able to hear you over the loud inside my head.
  • Talk like a top, dude!

2) Make arm gestures, wave chicken -- anything VISUAL to get my attention.
  • Basically the "HEY! I'm over HERE!" thing in audio and visual.
  • Could try "Give me your eyes" like we used to do with toddler kid.

3) See me. Validate my upset. Figure out where I am. HERE is where you can change to duringcare voice that is gentler.
  • I see you. There you are!
  • I see you are upset. I see you might be flooding. Are you flooding?
  • What color?

4) Tell me how YOU feel and why. Use "I" statements. Give me direction tether. You are helping to land a runaway kite. (I'm already in here, don't tell me how I feel. That gives me nothing to fly toward -- just keeps me hanging in the stuck)

  • "Come back! I feel confused. I cannot understand you flooded because there's too much info.
  • "Give me 3 deeps breaths." (To chill out.)
  • "Then give me your top 3 topic headers in a bullet list. Can you try?" (To get me out of the whirling headthink.)

5) 15-20 Minute Valley / Bucket Checks
  • You are safe. Do you want me to hold you? There, there.
  • I am listening. Give me your buckets. What color?

That kind of talk. Count backwards. Have me report. We need to learn this headspace to solve it.

6) Try again to cover it or just schedule bookmark appt
.
  • Depends on situation which way to go. Ask.
  • "What was your original goal to express before the flood? Can you fill in some of those header topics now? Or bookmark for later?

DH -- Let's try that and see how it flies. Thanks for bearing with me.

hugs,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-17-2012 at 02:18 AM.
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  #65  
Old 09-19-2012, 08:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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A MOMENT OF (GOOFY) TENDERNESS.

The other night laying in each others arms.
Me: Mmm. That would be fun. (We were talking about the V thing again.) Would love to give you that side of me and see that side of you.

Him: Well. If things work out, I'd like to give you that. You should have it.

Me: I should have it? Being a hinge? Why?

Him: You deserve it.

Me: I deserve it? Why?

Him: Because you play well.

Me: I play well? We've been closed. I haven't played at all as a married. How would you know I play well? I don't even know yet.

Him: You played well before, you play well now. You deserve it. You play well in my head and in my heart. (implied: I'd continue to play well if we extended "Open in Mind & Heart" to "Open in Mind & Heart & Body & Soul" and really Open the Marriage completely. He trusts me. )

Me: Ugh. You are being horrible at me. Cut it out. (Stuffing myself into his armpit.)

Him: (laughing) Why horrible? You do play well.

Me: You know why! Horrible! Horrible! (Squirming in pleasure in his armpit. Pleased to be that trusted, and pleased to hear him reaffirm that he trusts me. And kinda turned on. Mind/heart intimacy sharing with him always turns me on. )
Silence.
Me: Babe?

Him: What?

Me: (muffled in his armpit.) Do it again. Be horrible at me. Really horribly horrible! Wonderfully horrible. More! More!

Him: More horrible?

Me: Yes! YES! It's wonderful! It's horrible! It's wonderful horribleness!

Him: (making a joke by quoting Queen Carlotta) Get it! Get it!
It became all kinds of playful sex of course.

That man. He's horribly, horribly, wonderful! So satisfies.

I love that he's secure with me. I love that he trusts me so. I try to carry that trust he places in me well. Some things are earned.

So when my mind wanders the last few days it goes there to revisit the wonderful horrible. My ears feel hot. My cheeks feel flushed. I grin a silly grin. My heart feels full and all kinds of gushykooshy sensations run through me.

I love him. Besotted! Smitten! Horribly so! Whee!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-20-2012 at 12:53 AM.
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Old 09-20-2012, 12:32 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I love him. Besotted! Smitten! Horribly so! Whee!
Joy!

I drove to work today with a silly grin on my face thinking how wonderfully lucky I must be to have two people who love me and want me to be happy. (They did nothing particularly special to put me in this mood - they were both sleeping when I kissed their cheeks goodbye - MrS moaned "Mmmmm" and smiled in his sleep; Dude rolled over, fluttered his eyes, and murmurred "I love you, sweetie." - Gosh I am lucky!)

MrS had a random conversation with a guy in a bar a few months ago who seemed absolutely AMAZED that he (MrS) still liked his wife after 16 years of marriage. MrS's reply was along the lines of "of course I like her - she is an an amazing, intelligent, wonderful woman - otherwise why would I have married her and stayed with her all this time?" Truth is, we love each other more with every passing year.

Dude sometimes gets a little envious of how close MrS and I are and how well we work as a team. I have to remind him that we didn't get to here overnight (although we started at a good place), we've had years and years of practice. I tell him to give it a few more years - he's already ahead of the curve (mainly because I learned from MrS how to actually let people IN).

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #67  
Old 09-20-2012, 12:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes -- ORE. Some things are earned.

I'm glad you enjoy yours too. Silly grin all day if you want to!

And why WOULDN'T someone want to tend to their marriage and keep the ORE flames going? I'm always surprised that people are surprised to hear a marriage is going well. It's like they expect the marriage to what? Go flat?

And if my rship with DH isn't on strong footing, what business have I Opening Up to commit to Another?

When I'm not caring well for the one I got? Mind boggling to me.

Now that would be horrible bad. (squirms of the UGH kind) Rather than horrible good. (squirms of the YIPPEE kind)

GG
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Old 09-20-2012, 07:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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PROCEED WITH CAUTION : STRESS / ANXIETY METER RISING

I feel a bit crazy today. Dealing with weirdo parents. Thinking about eldercare issues. Digesting new environment and new doc for parent.

Being around other people and anticipating child coming home from school all bouncy. Then the evening is not our normal evening with school activities.

So.

Not enough space/time in between all these scheduled things for me to get mental breaks and change mental gears to meet each new demand. I struggle today.

Knowing that I do not thrive in situations with too many people, with too much going on that I'm not all prepared for?

I am going to be mindful of my limits and proceed with caution.

Because I don't want to flood just because I mismanaged self, time, environs and ended up overscheduled, overfull, or spread too thin.

I am cleaning the house to diffuse some of my nerves and create a hospitable environment.

I will be making dinner shortly but if I need to give that the boot, we can always do subs! (Plan B is always a good thing!)

I will remember to breathe -- I keep catching myself holding my breath. Like I'm waiting for another shoe to drop SUDDENLY from nowhere. I do not need to be making my own tension.

I can always stay home too -- DH can deal with the kid's school things.

I can remind myself tomorrow is a full day planned to spend ALONE to recharge my batteries and I have a date planned with DH ALONE as a couple.

I will breathe.

I will breathe.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-21-2012 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Boy does that sound unbelievably familiar! I asked Maca to read tha last post. Its so succinct and expresses a perfect example of how the crazy starts (or is avoided) for me too!!
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Old 09-21-2012, 12:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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PROCEED WITH CAUTION : STRESS / ANXIETY CALMING DOWN

Yup. It is what it is.

I emailed DH a few times to sync up the plan. He took care of picking up the produce box on the way home.

I streamlined dinner by ordering pizza and kept moving what I could of the house forward. I moved mopping to another day, and focused on the biggest impacts in the home for declutter and vac.

A friend who was over lent a hand. I am grateful for the aid.

Did the school thing but ducked out early as the compromise so child could have it but the parents could move it to bed. Because we knew we'd duck out early, I did enjoy the time we spent and the dread factor lifted.

Struggle with child homework (too bouncy to pay attention from the school teacher night thing) I solved first by having DH try because kid had been making me nuts. Took friend home. He also reported struggle and I decided to use a free homework pass. There. Prob solved enough for now -- kid to bath.

I wanted to eat chocolate -- PMS cravings. I skipped it and promised myself all the fruit I wanted out of the produce box for smoothie later.

My ear started doing the fluttery thing again. Doc suggested sudafed but I wonder if it is wheat/milk allergy clog or what? (the pizza?) I was not having it before. I need to food log to see.

It was a full, full day. Largely of house and child minutia but it needs doing and tending.

I also tended to myself and my needs. I have not flooded and my stress is coming down. Every time I wanted to go "GRRR!" or "OH NO!" I told myself "You can handle it. You can handle whatever crazy. Adapt. Flex. Change. Minimize. Reduce. Doesn't have to be perfect, just good enough. Keep moving it forward. You can handle it. You have handled way worse. You can do it."

I made it. Yay. All buckets intact -- my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health buckets. Not perfection, but minimal slosh on a rough, taxing day. And I did NOT stress, anxiety, panic attack or emotionally flood.

And that includes the garage freezer wigging out and the washer spilling water all over the place for extra fun and games today.

I handled it. I remembered to BREATHE.

Maybe some tea to celebrate after a nice long bath. Whew. Go me!

~GalaGirl
------------------------------
ETA: Turned out to be OJ after a shower with DH.

We shared out days and checked in. I was mindful of the mistake from earlier and caught myself and him going deep before completing buckets. I prompted him to finish his. I finished mine. The overview to calibrate.

I had explained I was feeling worried about family in the heart bucket. All this elder parent stuff.

So when I went deeper in there, and I found some UGH that I wanted to air out, we both knew I was already a bit sloshy in that bucket. I expressed some disappointments and worries and we ran close to a GRRR place.

Mindful of the emotional flooding thing, I jerked my own leash back from that GRR place. I informed him I wanted to reach the end of the sentence before hearing feedback. He allowed me to finish. I got to finish.

He expressed his feedback. I digested it it a bit and gave initial impressions. I will now mull it over at my leisure, having taken in on board. I will give fuller impressions later down.

I suggested we hold up hands to take fair turns speaking. He said that was fair.

There. Potential mixed drug (sorrow over parents + frustrated with parents + frustrated at DH not letting me get to end of sentence) spotted and NOT allowed to touch each other. There. Potential emotional flooding thing avoided because emotions were not allowed to mix and go kaboom!

Yay! Go us!

TAKE HOME LESSON:

He and I know full well we are NOT at our best at the end of the day for reconnection, but it cannot happen any other time. So we deal. Emotional intimacy is too important in a marriage to skip it because of tiredness. Just gotta look out for minefields.


Complete bucket checks FIRST helped. Def keep that!

I was proud of me for remembering to complete those. (I wonder if he remembered too and I just beat him to it or he forgot? I have to ask him.)

I deliberately and intentionally stated my thing with the word "Hypothesis: blah blah blah."

When he started to interrupt, I held my anger leash. I listened enough to get a sense of his statement. Because I'd had complete buckets from him and I new he was mentally fried himself. So I was primed to listen harder to him. Still holding my anger leash, I reminded him that I did state the word hypothesis this time, did I not? So bear with me and hear me out here. Reality testing and feedback time will follow. Hang on, horsie!

He owned it, let me continue. Then finished his feedback at the end where I was more receptive and able to listen to him fully present. Even though I was tired too. Def keep the word hypothesis!
Useful feedback on willing to try raising hands.
We will try that next time. I know he sometimes feel like he doesn't get a turn. He won't -- not when I flood. I'm trying not to flood at him, so work with me so I can give you your fair turn like you deserve. I'm trying to make space for your needs too in a way we both can deal with.
That was VERY hard on my already fried mental health bucket brain. He came in here a minute ago to check on me (after care) and kissed my ears and wandered off. I feel good. Just brain not up for more hard core thinking today.

I do appreciate him. We get the hang of it. One bit at a time.

The kid's science teacher asked at the teacher night where kid gets her passion for maths and sciences. DH and I looked at each other and laughed. I told her teacher we both geek out. We're not surprised.

DH says I'm very good an emotional management. I don't know about that. I do know I handle it / myself a lot differently than when we first met. Both to better myself and in service to the larger relationship between us. I want to be with him. I can't be with him if I'm running around still like the hot head I used to be in my early 20's! That is not being the best partner I can be to him.

I try to own it. Sometimes it is easier than others. This emotional flooding thing is HARD.

I like using practical, logical tools to deal in the nebulous that is emotion.

So bookmark -- the scientific method as applied to emotions in relationships.

How's THAT for sexy talk with your hunny bunny? Haha.

G.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-21-2012 at 05:53 AM.
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