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Old 01-07-2015, 01:35 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Default Mya's search for balance

New year, new journal. Some of you might know my story so far. I had a journal here with my partner, but I've now decided to have one just for myself.

A quick recap: I have three partners at the moment. I live with two of them, rory and Hank. In two months I've been with rory for 4 years and with Hank for 2 years. I've also been dating Ray for about 8 months now.

Me and rory have had some really difficult times recently and we broke up for a few weeks. We went back and forward with it, but now we've gotten back together and I hope it stays that way for a good while. We've taken some practical steps to improve our dynamic, and we've been taking time to reconnect with each other. It's been good and intense. Last week we had an incredibly powerful date night. We were vulnerable, told each other about our fears and other scary/unpleasent feelings, really opened up. And then we were kind of sexual together for the first time in ages. I felt like I woke up something inside me that had been sleeping for a long time. We didn't go very far, but it was nonetheless really emotional. We were kissing and crying at the same time, letting out all the past hurt and making way to other feelings, including sexual. We want to do things differently this time around. We need to at the same time not be around each other quite as much as we used to, but also spend more connecting quality time together where we are truly present for each other. I love rory so much and I want to make this work for both of us. I believe we can do it.

There have been some other changes in my life as well recently, one of them being quitting a hobby that took quite a lot of my time. I loved it, but I just didn't feel like I could give it as much time as it needs. I want to focus on some other hobbies, things that I can do by myself. I want to spend more time enjoying my own company, doing something fun and/or productive when I'm alone.

Last year was a real rollercoaster ride. I hope this one will be a bit calmer and stabler. I hope I'll be able to find more balance, both within each of my relationships as well as in other areas of my life, hence the title.
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Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Ray
Metamours: Will (rory's partner) and Valerie (Ray's partner)

Last edited by Mya; 01-07-2015 at 12:29 PM.
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Old 01-07-2015, 06:31 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Happy new year! I'm so glad you and rory are choosing to stay together, I was really rooting for the two of you.
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 10-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 01-07-2015, 06:39 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
I love rory so much and I want to make this work for both of us. I believe we can do it.
I, too, believe you both can make it work! You both are very self-aware and unafraid to look at the hard, difficult stuff, but also know how to take care of yourselves and the people in your lives. Just stay present and you will know how to handle anything life throws your way.

Happy New Year!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 01-11-2015, 01:32 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks for your supportive replies, RainyGrlJenny and nycindie! It was really nice to read them.

Me and rory have been doing quite well recently. I think we've been able to be present with each other more but also take some time apart when it's needed. That is the tricky balance we're trying to navigate at the moment. The thing is, when we are being open and in touch with our feelings, it's not always nice and pleasent. Of course it's not, because feelings are not always pretty. But it's good, it feels real and authentic, which in turn makes me feel closer to rory. I think we've put quite a lot of emphasis on not being 'dramatic' before. Now I'm starting to wonder if that has stopped us from showing what we really feel sometimes. We've both tried to be so cool and calm with everything that maybe there have been times we haven't been completely honest with ourselves in terms of what we're feeling. Now it's time to do that, whatever the feelings might be.

Me and Hank are also doing well in general. There was this one thing that came up recently though that I'm still trying to process. There are a couple of things that I've expressed as dealbreakers to me, or that would at least lead me to consider ending the relationship. I believe most people have them, personal boundaries, behaviours that they're not willing to tolarate in a relationship. There is one thing that is quite an emotional trigger for me and I've hoped in the past that my partners wouldn't do that. The thing is, it's not actually something that anybody would do to me. I don't really want to tell you what this thing is, but let's say I wouldn't want my partner to join the military because I'd fear for their safety and I'm also against violence. It's something like that. Now Hank has expressed that he feels restricted and not as free as he'd like because of this thing of mine. He feels this one is unreasonable and that he should be able to do that if he wants. It's not even so much about actually doing it, it's about the freedom. Which I totally understand. I agree with him in principle. And I want him to be able to do everything he wants to do. But at the same time the thought of it makes me really really scared and horrified. I know my emotional reaction is somewhat out of proportion, but there are some rational reasons as well. For a long time I thought that would be an incompatibility issue if I ever had a partner or a potential partner that did this thing. Now that I've been with Hank for a long time, I love him and I'm committed to him, it's not so easy to keep holding on to that. I want him to have his freedom, and I don't want to control him. But it's freaking hard to let go of your principles, something that you once thought is an important value for you. Where I'm trying to go with it now is that it's even more important value for me to not be controlling. So I've said that I will still be with him even if he chooses to do this thing. I'm really trying not to freak out about it. But man, that's tough.

With Ray, everything is going really steadily. We see each other usually 2-4 times a month, recently it's been closer to every week, but our time together is often quite limited. For example last night he came to my place late in the evening, we hung out for a couple of hours, went to bed, and he left early in the morning. He's good fun, I like having him around. I'm not in love with him though. I don't know if that feeling will ever happen for us (I don't believe he's in love with me either, or at least he hasn't said so), or if it will just take a long time. I'm not particularly bothered about it because what we have, it works for both of us. This might not be for forever, but it's really nice as long as it keeps working for us.

At the moment I have two metamours, and I haven't written about either of them. Rory has started dating someone new recently, let's call him Will. He is a really nice person, and I'm all for rory dating him. I've met him several times because we have mutual friends and he often comes around our place to see rory as well. He has expressed genuine interest in getting to know me as well now that we're metamours, and that makes me feel really nice. Then there's the other metamour, Ray's other partner, that I'll call Valerie. Ray has dated her almost exactly as long as me. As in mine and Ray's first date was on a Monday and his and Valerie's was on a Tuesday, both about 8 months ago. Me and Valerie have never met. I would really like to, but Valerie hasn't been too keen so far. If I've understood correctly, this is her first poly relationship, so it might just be a bit strange for her. But Ray has said that he would also quite like us to meet one day, so we'll see if Valerie changes her mind at some point. Ray's birthday is next month, so he was thinking that maybe we could get together then if Valerie's up for it. We'll see.
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Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Ray
Metamours: Will (rory's partner) and Valerie (Ray's partner)

Last edited by Mya; 01-11-2015 at 03:35 PM.
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  #5  
Old 01-23-2015, 12:45 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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I've done a lot of processing about the thing with Hank that I wrote about, and I'm in a much better place with it now. I feel pretty calm about it actually. It's his life, his decision, and I love him regardless. Me and Hank are doing really well in other areas too. I love listening to his stories, learning things about him and realising more and more every day what an amazing person he is - and telling him that. I love talking about serious subjects like politics or religion with him. Even if we don't always agree, I feel like he respects my opinions and I can express myself freely without fear of judgement, and we can bounce ideas off of each other. I love how he always makes me laugh. I really love our sex life too. We are very compatible in bed, like puzzle pieces, we fit together and like the same things...or in some cases the opposite things that go well together.

Things are going quite well with rory too, in general. Although I have noticed that the recent back-and-forth has left its mark on me. Last time we had a date night rory started with saying that he wants to tell me something and looked quite serious. My first thought was that he wants to break up again, and I said that as well. He didn't want to break up. It's hurting both of us that I have trouble trusting the stability of our relationship right now. I guess I just need time before I can fully believe that rory is not leaving any minute now. I also really don't need to voice those doubts every time I have them, it's not doing us any good. Although this time when I did, it led to a good conversation, so it's not all bad. I do notice the trust growing bit by bit, so time is the only thing that helps really. We are also trying to learn some new habits together and I think we're doing quite well with it.
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Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Ray
Metamours: Will (rory's partner) and Valerie (Ray's partner)
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Old 01-23-2015, 11:42 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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It's so good to read your updates, Mya. I love how thoughtful you are.

Thanks for your writings about your work on your own limits vs controlling others. I've found that helpful for something in my own life that has been causing me a fair amount of anxiety. I need to think more on it after reading your words but I have found it helpful.

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