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Old 08-06-2012, 07:50 PM
starrynite101 starrynite101 is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
Question Ugh.. dating

It's been a long process, but my hubby and I are embracing polyamory, and I'm completely on board (in fact started it). Now I found an interesting person, and they seem interested back.. but it's a little different. I am used to dating (as if I could be used to dating after over a decade married) in the mono world. There, if you like someone the two of you get all moony and spend oodles of time together and get all goofy with it. Nobody pays any attention to NRE. Obviously in the poly world it's more complicated. I have a husband and my interest has people in his life too. We don't have room in either of our lives to spend all our time together. There isn't that utter transfixtion that new mono couples get.

I'm wondering why I thought I wanted to date. He seemed very very interested but totally unwilling to pursue anything without my hubby's knowledge and consent. Got it. We celebrated getting it with very brief talk and kisses because I had to go, and then had to spend the weekend pretty much apart.

The hubby and I came to his house where he was with a date and that was utterly respected. There was no flirting from either of us at all, and everyone got along well, very well. (Hubby found somebody). He was busy Sunday, and that was understood. Now, it's Monday and I can't wait to talk about all this heady stuff and get in some canoodling. It's killing me not to text non stop and he's answering, but very slowly and without his usual flirty flirty air, probably because he has a life. I started reviewing everything in my mind. "Did I screw up somehow?" "Was I weird or odd or needy or something".. No. "Are you seriously on pins and needles because it's the first day you two can really canoodle and he's got a life and is busy or whatever and not texting you 24/7 at work?" maybe.

Ugh.. I hate dating. How did I forget that? I don't like this weird crap my head is doing and it makes me feel pathetic. I want him to be texting me like mad, eager and reassuring me with his flirty interest (which admittedly he'll probably do later). I hate this insecure "does he like me, really like me" bit. Any tips for how to stop being a complete imbecile about dating?
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:09 PM
Adam Adam is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Central New York
Posts: 23

No tips, but all I can say is... I know how you feel :/

Especially this bit:
I hate this insecure "does he like me, really like me" bit.

Any tips for how to stop being a complete imbecile about dating?
If you find any, please share?

Something I do that helps; find a solo activity you enjoy and lose yourself in it. For me, that's homework and running (when not chasing my kids or helping my wife with something).

Good luck!
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
--Isaac Asimov

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
--Robert A. Heinlein

Bloggin' it.
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Old 08-06-2012, 09:03 PM
Josie Josie is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 71

I totally get this!

When my boyfriend 1st suggested a poly relationship, I was more worried about ME dating than I was about him dating other people.
It's fine once you get properly into the 'real relationship' but before then neither parties really act themself. I spend all my time, like you, obsessing over the most ridiculous things and turn quite paranoid, inscure and irrational. Once the relationship has gone longterm, I am the complete opposite but for the 1st month or so - I'm a complete crazy person.

I guess you just have to ride it out. You've definately got the 1st step down (realising why you're feeling what you're feeling), so I guess my advice would be to take the knowledge that a lot of your thoughts/feelings are a little irrational and pick them apart until they become a little bit more objective.

Maybe try coming up with nice ideas for why they're not texting back, they don't even necessarily have to be realistic, just a pleasant fantasy alternative to to the panic whirring around your head. When you take a deep breath and really think about it, it makes a lot more sense.

Also, if the other person is acting a little odd, it could just be because they're getting the new relationship crazies too. Many times I've worried about the whole not-messaging-back thing and it's turned out that they took so long because they were so worried about what they would type and how it would come across to me, etc.

It can also help to let the other person know how you're feeling. Just explain to them that things get a little crazy when you're going through NRE, that you're not always like that but if you seem a bit off, it's probably because of that. They might even be feeling the same (which I find takes a lot of pressure off) and either way they'll be more understanding of what you're going through.
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:36 AM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: PDX
Posts: 177

Been there, in the middle of that right now. ugh are we, aren't we?
Unfortunately, it makes me feel like avoiding the whole mess but that's the exact opposite of what I actually want. My best advice, like others have said, is to keep busy and be sure to acknowledge and really examine the feelings and motives behind them.
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Old 08-07-2012, 06:08 AM
starrynite101 starrynite101 is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
Default Much thanks!

Thank you all for writing and commiserating. It was nice to feel more normal, or at least not utterly alone in being out there. I did talk to him and had much canoodling and reassurance. I apologized for being all weird and he was very very cool about it, assuring me that it was romantic and that he was there too. I think I was less crazy for having talked to and gotten advice from you, so thank you very much.
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Old 08-07-2012, 02:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

Glad you are doing better!

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Old 08-10-2012, 02:13 AM
Lifeisgood Lifeisgood is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13

I get the same way! I'm always wondering why my wife's friend isn't texting her or lavishing enough attention on her, lol. I think I have to realize that people have lives outside of the relationship we have with them. Glad it is working out for you and best of luck in the future!
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