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Old 08-07-2012, 10:13 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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Default Sharing my girlfriend went wrong

My male primary partner, J, and I have been together for just about six years now. We opened up almost a year and a half ago. We first ventured out in the swinging community but have since branched out to where we do separate, as well as couples, dating.

I am bisexual, and it was very important to me to be able to experience dating women as all of my previous dating experience had been with men. I started dating a girl, Lacy, about three months ago. I clicked with her really well, and we were really attracted to each other. Lacy has a boyfriend who was comfortable only with her dating women, but not other men. J and I invited her to go on a trip. Looking back, I definitely see all of the things I could have done much better. I should have waited longer before inviting her on a five-day trip. I could have asked her what she was comfortable with, and how she was feeling about our relationship. But I didn't do those things. We ended up having a few spectacular threesomes with her, but I started feeling really uneasy. I felt: if this person who I have seen only for three weeks is willing to cheat on her boyfriend of two years, how can I trust she won't lie to me, too? And then: she and J decided they wanted to start seeing each other.

I was not prepared for a triadic relationship. It's not what I wanted when I set out to date women. The relationship between the three of us became way too integrated and warped, and I started feeling like she was being manipulative. She started saying one thing to me and another to J.

I broke up with her, because I realized I just couldn't trust what she said to me and I felt emotionally manipulated. J is still talking to her. He has said a few times that if he just needs to cut her out of his life for me he will. But I know that she is also someone that he has connected with extremely well and I feel guilty asking him to stop seeing her. I also know that every time they talk or see each other or I hear her name or I know he is texting with her, I get nauseous and depressed. I am sad because: 1. My relationship with my first girlfriend ended, and 2. My primary partner is choosing to have a relationship with someone that I see as manipulative and untrustworthy. The other thing about that, is that J agrees with me that he sees those characteristics in her. So I get extremely confused as to why he would continue wanting to have a relationship with her.

I have always had a more difficult time with J having separate partners, because I tend to feel excluded. But this situation just takes the cake, because my relationship with her was very meaningful and now I don't view her as an appropriate partner. Am I being unreasonable in feeling that he shouldn't see her anymore? Are there perspectives I am missing?
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  #2  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:25 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Oh wow.

First-hugs. You're hurting and feelings are what they are, when we hurt, we need comfort.

Second-There's no right answer for whether or not what you are asking is fair. It completely depends upon your needs and his and the terms you agree to.

BUT-I understand your feelings somewhat. I went through similar this winter with my husband. Not the same, just some similarities. Particularly the nausea and depression over the same examples you gave.

I highly suggest scheduling a day a week that there is nothing-no reminders in front of you-about her-for the two of you to connect in your own relationship. That time to be used NOT TO DISCUSS THE ISSUES-but to connect in love and rebuild that solid foundation for yourselves.

Then-you need to really address what your "hard limits" are regarding the situation. BE SURE TO CONSIDER the limits you think you want-with the tables being turned; as in "if i was in love/connected to someone deeply and he didn't like them-would I be ok with him telling me xyz limit was required for OUR relationship to continue".

Then-time to sit down and lay out hard limits-HIS AND YOURS and figure out if there is a way to compromise so you both feel satisfied.

I will say-that once my husband understood my need for him to lay out for the other lady the misperceptions he promoted in her regarding me AND he was willing to make that commitment to having one day a week where I heard/encountered no reminders of her, I was able to work through my own feelings and at this point have no issue with them having a friendship (they opted out of dating) because I know he and I are back on track with one another and that's the most important part.
I would be ok with them dating-that they aren't is their choice-not mine.

Good luck!
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:49 AM
freethinking freethinking is offline
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That sucks I hope things start looking up for you.
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Old 08-08-2012, 02:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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*hugs*

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Yes -- you could have set better boundaries before "going there." Now you know for next time. (No judging, just affirming what you have already found.)

In the meanwhile... Talk to your BF about where he thinks this relationship with Lacy is going.

You cannot really dictate what goes on with them -- that is for him and her to manage.

But you could ask, since it is a fresh break up for YOU, that when he is with YOU, he be with YOU. And not do texting or calls or whatever in your line of sight for a month (other time limit?) so you can have some drama free emotional space to process your break up feelings without getting triggered all the time.

I don't think that is an unreasonable thing to ask -- to keep his relationship with her to himself and on the quiet so you can have some emotional space for 30 days so you can begin break up healing. Do that first, then whatever the next thing has to be to come to terms. You always have to put your own oxygen mask on first, right?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 04:53 AM.
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Old 08-08-2012, 04:06 AM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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Default thank you

It is amazingly refreshing to hear from other people about this... just feeling compassion, empathy, and some outside perspective is so good. thank you so much.
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:48 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I sympathize with part of your situation. My husband is getting back together with his GF of 1 year, they broke up because she cheated on him, I think she's a manipulative and untrustworthy person, he wants to still be with her. Of course your situation has even more heart ache because you are also hurting from the break up. ...

I highly recommend following LR's advice:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I highly suggest scheduling a day a week that there is nothing-no reminders in front of you-about her-for the two of you to connect in your own relationship. That time to be used NOT TO DISCUSS THE ISSUES-but to connect in love and rebuild that solid foundation for yourselves.
We do this, sometimes more often than once a week. And sometimes when there are matters that really need urgent discussing (because they are pratical matters that need to be addressed) we will set a time: only half an hour of talk, then back to togethertime and reconnecting. Because before you know it, all the time your spend together, is spent having drama talks with tears and lots of emotions, and this is exhausting and doesn't really solve your issues anyway.

good luck!
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Old 08-10-2012, 02:02 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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I feel so horrible still. I think you advice, GG, is great. And it's what I would like. I haven't asked for emotional space and for him to not text/call her when we are together because I am afraid of him getting defensive and upset. But it just feels so painful when I know he is texting with her. Everything from the past two months just completely floods my chest and stomach. I am emotionally stuck. I am also afraid that even if he isn't texting/calling her when we are together, that after a month, I will still have a really hard time with the two of them seeing each other. I might not feel as emotionally flooded, but it seems like with how I view her as untrustworthy and manipulative, I would still not be supportive of their relationship.
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Old 08-10-2012, 04:52 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
I feel so horrible still. I think you advice, GG, is great. And it's what I would like. I haven't asked for emotional space and for him to not text/call her when we are together because I am afraid of him getting defensive and upset.
Frankly, that's just common curtsey, that many people have chosen to ignore. Stop being afraid and state your needs. DO schedule a time to re-evaluate. "Honey, could you please not text or call her while you are with me for at least the next 2 weeks. I need some to get myself back into a rational/logical place. At the end of 2 weeks, we'll re-evaluate how I'm coping."

Quote:
I am also afraid that even if he isn't texting/calling her when we are together, that after a month, I will still have a really hard time with the two of them seeing each other. I might not feel as emotionally flooded, but it seems like with how I view her as untrustworthy and manipulative, I would still not be supportive of their relationship.
Deal with that when the time comes. Broken bones have to be set, immobilized and given time to heal. Just because it stops hurting after 2 weeks, doesn't mean it's healed and can come out of the cast. It still needs another 4+ weeks in a cast and then you can slowly start to use it again and build back the strength you lost while it was in the cast. One step at a time.
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
I haven't asked for emotional space and for him to not text/call her when we are together because I am afraid of him getting defensive and upset.
Why are you allowing him to terrorize and bully you with his emotional reactions? Seriously, if you ask and he gets upset and defensive, so what? Why be afraid of that? His anger doesn't have to get you all caught up in it. Whenever my ex-husband got all bent out of shape about something, I would just sit there and watch it happen, and then I'd say, "If you want to be mad and upset about this, that's your choice and I can't do anything about that. But this is something we need to discuss, so come back and talk to me after you've calmed down" And then I walked away. Instantly diffused. He later told me that he never was in a relationship before where a partner refused to engage in a fight with him, and that the way I was with him actually allowed him to see his own reactions with more clarity.

What is the worst that could happen? He says "no" and you tell him that is something you cannot live with or you renegotiate some other things or make a compromise. At least you will be HEARD. If you do not ask for it, you are not heard and your needs are not known, therefore can never be met. Telling him, you at least have a 50-50 chance that they will.

How he responds has to your request does not negate the fact that this is something you need to communicate to him. If he wants to have a fucking fit like a little baby having his toy taken away, that's his problem. You need to express what you need to express. It's like the commonest thing in the poly world to ask that SOs not text or call one love when with another. It is simple etiquette, politeness, and courtesy. You're not asking him to give up a brick of gold, you're asking him to stop being so fucking rude.

So... breathe, put on your big girl panties, and take a stance! You don't have to lie down and be at his mercy.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-10-2012 at 05:16 PM.
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  #10  
Old 08-10-2012, 05:12 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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Sneacail: thank you for that very logical and practical advice. I plan to say these things later today!

nycindie: Whoa!! This made me smile! I appreciate the bold and genuine response. I do need to put on my big girl panties. Thanks for the kick in the butt and the reality check I'm not trying to take anything away from him and it's not the end of the world. Thank you!
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