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  #11  
Old 08-07-2012, 07:52 PM
Sarcophagus Sarcophagus is offline
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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
You don't?
Of course not. I'm not her; I don't know what's really going on in her head, I can only go off of what I see objectively.

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Resistant to what?
Resistant to continuing without finding personal resolution to all of this. As I said, at this point it's either "deal with it and move forward" or "get out". Meanwhile I'm stuck in this mopey, spiteful standstill.
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  #12  
Old 08-07-2012, 08:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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HER WANTS:
  • To see you both?

SHE IS WILLING TO PROVIDE:

??

YOU WANT:
  • To see just her?
  • To have support/nurture to get over the cheating start?

YOU ARE WILLING TO PROVIDE:
??

This is a similar thread I replied on.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=lost+marbles

But basically YOU have to spend some time deciding if you are in or not.

THEN move on to the next baby step.

GL!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-07-2012 at 08:45 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-07-2012, 08:16 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
Resistant to continuing without finding personal resolution to all of this. As I said, at this point it's either "deal with it and move forward" or "get out". Meanwhile I'm stuck in this mopey, spiteful standstill.
I'm trying to figure out if the primary reason she is with you is because she knows she can get away with "stuff". That's why I asked if you really are not sure if she is still manipulating you. You seem pretty casual about " I cheated, and I'm going to be with this other guy, so take it or leave it". A take it or leave it choice is not loving. Staying with someone like that when you really don't want to indicates low self esteem.

My questions are not about her anymore. They're about you. The only kind of person I can think of that would stay with a take it or leave it attitude like that is one who has low self esteem, therefore doesn't think he can find someone who will treat him with respect.

Is that who you are? This is a blunt and sincere question.
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  #14  
Old 08-07-2012, 08:26 PM
Sarcophagus Sarcophagus is offline
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Yes, my self-esteem was already critically low before all of this.

It's not a matter of finding someone that could be equally as good for me, though. I'm still young, am bright, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, am ridiculously attractive.

That's actually a good question, though. Why am I willing to put up with all of this? I think a large part is how enamored I am with her as a person. Especially since she's been so open lately.

Really, I suppose my problems with it all are:

The cheating, which I can possibly forgive in time.

The fact that she never asked me ahead of time, which is related to the above.

That she kept on going after the first time without telling me.

How she tells me everything up front, listens to me, seems remorseful at how things played out, but gets bent when what I feel and what I have to say about it aren't exactly what she wanted. I don't feel she's willing to work on this mutually or make any sacrifice on her end in order to make us okay first. She just wants what she wants, and fuck everyone else.

But I suppose that's how our relationship has always been. Now she's just crossed so many lines, I have no idea why I'm still here. I want to be with her. I do not want to be with someone that wouldn't respect me enough to work with me as a partner.

Last edited by Sarcophagus; 08-07-2012 at 08:35 PM.
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  #15  
Old 08-07-2012, 08:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Then it is a case of "I love you. But I do not love this. And I love me. So I have to walk away."

GG
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  #16  
Old 08-07-2012, 09:13 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
Yes, my self-esteem was already critically low before all of this.
How was your self esteem when you first met her?

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Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
I'm still young, am bright, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, am ridiculously attractive.
And look what kind of person that got you.

For example, I'm a woman. I have been told many times I am gorgeous, and I could easily be on the cover of a fashion magazine. I have had people ask me if I am a model when they meet me for the first time - like every woman who looks like I do has to be interested in modeling. I have a great figure. To be blunt, I turn heads. It was fun at first. Now I don't care. What's important to me now? I want to know how confident, kind, mature and smart someone is. Manipulative people don't like me very much. They feel the strength of my presence and that unnerves them (I see it in their eyes seconds after I meet them).

You are gorgeous. Great. Now get over it (I did) because it isn't helping you find a loving woman, or happiness.

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That's actually a good question, though. Why am I willing to put up with all of this?
It's the only question

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Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
I think a large part is how enamored I am with her as a person.
What does this REALLY mean?

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Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
but gets bent when what I feel and what I have to say about it aren't exactly what she wanted. I don't feel she's willing to work on this mutually or make any sacrifice on her end in order to make us okay first. She just wants what she wants, and fuck everyone else.
This is called manipulation. Like I said earlier, she is an accomplished manipulator. That's not the issue anymore. Its your self esteem.

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Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
But I suppose that's how our relationship has always been. Now she's just crossed so many lines, I have no idea why I'm still here.
Because you have low self esteem, and her radar noticed that. What are you going to do about your low self esteem? Everything I'm saying is blunt, but very sincere. What are you going to do about it?

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-08-2012 at 03:02 AM.
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  #17  
Old 08-07-2012, 09:33 PM
Sarcophagus Sarcophagus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
How was your self esteem when you first met her?
Through the roof. I was so sure of myself that I was untouchable. A lot happened in the last few years, some of it related to my relationship, some of it completely not. For the last year, I've kind of just been trying to feel my way out of a pit of loathing.


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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
And look what kind of person that got you.

For example, I'm a woman. I have been told many times I am gorgeous, and I could easily be on the cover of a fashion magazine. I have had people ask me if I am a model when they meet me for the first time. I have a great figure because I work at it. To be blunt, I turn heads. It was fun at first. Now I don't care. What's important to me now? I want to know how confident, kind, mature and smart someone is. Manipulative people don't like me very much. They feel strength in my presence that unnerves them (I see it in there eyes seconds after I meet them).

You are gorgeous. Great. Now get over it (I did) because it isn't helping you find a loving woman, or happiness.
That's my point. My characteristics at first glance are fine. I'm keenly aware of this. My problems all stem from my self.


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It's the only question
Absolutely.

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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
What does this REALLY mean?
Viewing her objectively, she's a fascinating mind. I adore her intellect and her reasoning, and the way she pushes herself past her limits regularly.

It's when I add myself into the equation that things get muddy. She's clearly not attracted to me in my current state; I'm not even attracted to myself in my current state.


Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
This is called manipulation. Like I said earlier, she is an accomplished manipulator. That's not the issue anymore. Its you self esteem.

Because you have low self esteem, and her radar noticed that. What are you going to do about your low self esteem? Everything I'm saying is blunt, but very sincere. What are you going to do about it?
Believe me, I appreciate bluntness.

Yes, she's the most manipulative person I know. It's riveting to watch her do it, actually. Just a subtle few words, seemingly unrelated, then magic happens and people willfully bend. It's basically talking a horse into wanting to go to the water and drink.

Wall of text incoming. You may have just gotten more than you bargained for.

Regarding my low self esteem, I really do just need to get out more. I just moved to my current location a year ago and haven't made many friends, and none that aren't mutual between me and her. My job doesn't give me much contact with people in a way that isn't bound by corporate keeping-up-appearances BS. It doesn't help that I really can't stand my job. The pay and benefits are good, but...it's just something I do for money. This is not my life's work. It doesn't drive me. That's taking its toll.

So, what am I going to do about it? I believe I'm focusing too hard on her in the first place. I have no stable grounding in myself and nothing else in my life to keep me going and sane. Perhaps I've been too dependent.

I have things to change in my own life. I will undoubtedly be better off for it, and it's likely our relationship would as well. At this point it's just a decision to either shut this all out and work on my self in the mean time, or get the hell out right now and do what I need to alone.

Edit: On a side note, I wonder if playing the field a bit myself regardless of what I do with her would help. In all likelihood, yes, I could probably do well with that.
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  #18  
Old 08-07-2012, 09:46 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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It sounds like you're ready for some real change in your life.


I want to know more about this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
It's when I add myself into the equation that things get muddy.
and this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
It's riveting to watch her do it, actually.
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  #19  
Old 08-07-2012, 09:55 PM
Sarcophagus Sarcophagus is offline
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Yes. Yes I am.

When I say it gets muddy, I mean that I'm immediately aware when interacting that the weight and respect, and the level of attraction, that I give to her isn't matched. I stumble then, and get too anxious to just be as I would with anyone else. It's about vulnerability, I think.

And when I say it's a riveting thing to see, I mean from an academic point of view. To operate like that, you'd need to understand how people work at their innate levels and leverage it with subtlety.
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  #20  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:05 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Tell me more about this:
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I stumble then



Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarcophagus View Post
And when I say it's a riveting thing to see, I mean from an academic point of view. To operate like that, you'd need to understand how people work at their innate levels and leverage it with subtlety.
Yes you do, but you can't get close to anyone. Why are you so fascinated by her ability to manipulate?
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