Husband vs Wife and her Dom.. a matter of respect.

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by nycindie

... This is my issue with D/s and these kinds of "contracts" when someone goes looking for a Dom, finds one, and in all their starry-eyed eagerness, gets into it with someone who's basically an unethical motherfucker who likes to be in control.

@NYCindie,

I have to disagree with the emphasis on the D/s bit. Anyone seeking a partner - dom, sub, vanilla, poly, mono - can choose to have shit for brains when evaluating a potential partner or how a relationship is going.

I really do think that poly NRE, kink subfrenzy and vanilla folk's 'love at first sight' are describing the same endorphin reactions. The symptoms are certainly similar.

[Preaching to choir begins now...] I think that one of poly's great gifts to everyone is the idea of NRE, how to recognize and manage it. Kink, at its best, can teach so much about consent. There is no need to be kinky or poly to learn 'best practices' from them. [Preaching to the choir over...]

The scenario above can happen to anyone, not just gullible subs. I'm certainly not denying that too many subs seem to lose their minds in a D/s haze and make poor decisions. But that's a danger for everyone.

Everyone, kinky or not, poly or not, submissive or not, has the responsibility to slow down, listen to their own instincts, ask questions, perhaps check in with other partners and friends, and generally act like an adult.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by opalescent

I really do think that poly NRE, kink subfrenzy and vanilla folk's 'love at first sight' are describing the same endorphin reactions. The symptoms are certainly similar.

Everyone, kinky or not, poly or not, submissive or not, has the responsibility to slow down, listen to their own instincts, ask questions, perhaps check in with other partners and friends, and generally act like an adult.

I concur-wish this were something people recognized automatically!

[GalaGirl]

Originally Posted by opalescent

I really do think that poly NRE, kink subfrenzy and vanilla folk's 'love at first sight' are describing the same endorphin reactions. The symptoms are certainly similar.

Everyone, kinky or not, poly or not, submissive or not, has the responsibility to slow down, listen to their own instincts, ask questions, perhaps check in with other partners and friends, and generally act like an adult.

I third. In my universe those are the bullets of

• You are responsible for knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits.
• You are responsible for your own and your partner's buckets: the mind, heart, body, soul health buckets. Carry buckets with minimal slosh.

In the start of rship, I have not yet agreed to take on some of my partner's buckets on, and stop behaving like a footloose fancy free single and start behaving in a way that takes their feelings into consideration when I act.

But I know for damn sure I am responsible for my own mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health!

I won't go into something all willy nilly. Vanilla, poly, or kink -- I won't partner with just anyone and I won't partner without clear agreements laid out.

I apologize if I sound vehement or something -- it's just such a huge pet peeve. Freakin' play like honorable Jedi or don't play with me. I don't need a Muppet Show.

GG

[opalescent]

@GG

But, but... I like the Muppets! I learned about relationships from Kermit and Miss Piggy! Gonzo showed me to go for the gusto even if it required chickens and cannons! Beaker showed me perseverence and forgiveness for one's idiot friends. Animal showed me how to live joyfully and completely present in the moment. The Swedish Chef showed me to that cooking mostly involved off-tune singing and flinging knives around. Sam the Eagle showed me the pompous side of patriotism.

I respectfully suggest that you consider changing your phrase to 'I don't want a reality show' or some thing like that. The Muppets are just too pure awesome, IMHO, to be associated with trainwreckedness. (new word- just made it up!) Even if Gonzo did wreck a train or two along the way...

[opalescent]

@CrapEndofStick,

A belated 'well done' to you. It sounds like you were able to talk to your spouse in a way that she could hear. I wish both of you all the best.

[GalaGirl]

LOL. I love to watch the Muppets in their awesomeness. I just don't want to LIVE in the wacky that was their backstage chaotic shenanigans. Even Kermit would reach the end of his rope and SCREAM at them.

But good word -- "trainwreckedness!"

I'll take that one on board.

GG

[Drifter]

I feel for you, and can completely understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar relationship, a marriage in fact (fortunately no kids, but a business together, which is kind of like a child). She started seeing someone - initially behind my back - then openly and (sort of) with my consent. She showed mant of the same traits as your lady. His wishes were paramount, mine were always of least important, complete refusal to bend on any of her wants, lots of projected blame on me, endless critical rants about me, how I wasn't accepting or respecting her wants/needs, how all the problems where with me, and she is merely following where her feeling go.

This is all self absorbed behavior, and to me speaks of someone who can't face the responsibility of her actions. It's always someone else's fault. If she is getting angry whenever you try to talk calmly, I would say that on some level she knows the wrongness of her actions, but can't deal so get's angry at you. Knowing this doesn't always help though

I'd say you both need professional help if the marriage is to go forward. I never got this in time. But then my wife refused to go, which spoke volumes about her desire to actually repair things between us (she didn't have it, at least not a strong one.)

If your wife refuses to see a therapist, says the problem is with you not her, or continues with the 'I'll do what I like, consequences be damned' attitude, she's in no fit state to be in a marriage, and you need to seriously ask yourself if you want to have someone like that in your life. Harsh I know, but...

[strixish]

In an ideal world, perhaps she can find a dominant partner who actually believes that the D/s dynamic confers a responsibility to guide a submissive to be a better person. (Not all kinky folks follow this, but some do.) He could use the D/s dynamic to encourage her to do the work to really be the best wife and mother possible. Also, she could get her kink fix, and stress release, within that framework.

(I see these dynamics more often with M/s than D/s, but it us out there.)

Maybe it's not something she can get with this guy, but it could be something the two of you could look for together.