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  #11  
Old 08-06-2012, 08:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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PS: I do not know if this will help you. I do not even know if you still care enough about wife to try to help her get a better grip on realities of safe BDSM. Or maybe you are at the place of just protecting yourself and the kids.

It is a sad situation.

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There's ethics to BDSM -- and I don't know your relationship to the dom or if the dom even is a responsible one. But maybe they are not aware of the probs at home?

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  #12  
Old 08-06-2012, 08:40 PM
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I don't know much about BDSM but this is very disturbing to me.

I agree with DH, get out and get your kids out of this bullshit now before any permanent damage, particularly to your children. She is obviously not thinking with a rational mind. After that, if she wants you all in her life, she will find her way back.

Who, in their right mind, would want to go to work every day with bruises/marks on their face?!?! Shit, I'm all for a little spanking, biting, little marks, where they can be HIDDEN, not on show for the world but visible markings, particularly on the face, neck area? BDSM aside, she needs some help.

Good luck to you.
-NT
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  #13  
Old 08-06-2012, 08:54 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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You have every reason in the world to worry about your wife showing up with bruises. People do assume. Many will not ask for clarification. If they do, will she tell them it's BDSM play with someone else or let them think the worst of you?

As a mother, it disturbs me greatly to hear of children crying for their mother while she makes her sexual experiences the priority over them. My older kids are well able to spend a few hours with the younger ones, and I still figure they have to do it often enough when I have to be at work, that I rarely see my boyfriend unless the kids are with their dad. My boyfriend respects that aspect of my life, me, and my children, and has never once pressured me to leave them for his pleasure.

You say the thought of her packing and leaving you with the kids is scary. If it comes to that, you will find a way. And as things are now, how much is it worth having her 'there' with you when she really isn't actually there, anyway?
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  #14  
Old 08-06-2012, 09:16 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrapEndOfTheStick View Post
At this point, I'm about to drop the ultimate veto, which we'd also agreed to in the beginning. I'm about to say, "The open marriage is now closed.. No more Dom.. It's DONE." ...
Based on what you have written, DEFINITELY this. At least put it on hold so that things can calm down. Yes she may have a hissy fit, but that's necessary right now.

Does she think that this is all working swimmingly? Or does she also admit that this is out of control?

Part of opening a marriage is going at a speed that everyone is comfortable with - it's quite obvious that you are NOT comfortable with this. So stop the momentum right now, get calmed down, and then see what can be explored in a far more controlled way.

One aspect that you need to have in place is this idea that she cannot shirk all her responsibilities to follow the BDSM stuff....
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  #15  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:57 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
You have every reason in the world to worry about your wife showing up with bruises. People do assume. Many will not ask for clarification. If they do, will she tell them it's BDSM play with someone else or let them think the worst of you?
People in certain professions or with certain licenses are "Mandatory Reporters" if they think you are abusing your wife and therefore possibly your children, they are required by law to report it to the police. Teachers, doctors, nurses, lawyers, police officers, etc.

What DH said - start protecting yourself and your children. What will she claim when faced with a custody fight? Speak with an attorney, look closely at your options and document everything (photo's, times, dates, the weather, your state of health, etc). If by some magical wand, she starts showing you the respect you deserve, great, if nothing changes you will be prepared.
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  #16  
Old 08-06-2012, 11:16 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Why are you even talking about it instead of doing something about it? You're just a convenient babysitter, nothing more. Don't just talk about doing better than that - make it happen! For yourself and your children. If not, and things are really the way you describe - then your wife's BF is dating the least submissive adult in your house. And he probably knows it.
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  #17  
Old 08-07-2012, 03:26 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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What of your needs and your children's needs are getting met by your wife/their mother?? I don't care WHY she may or may not be doing what she's doing......the fact is she's living a very selfish life that seems to only take her wants/needs into consideration. For me, this isn't what being a wife and a mother is about. That doesn't mean that one's wants/needs as an individual aren't important, too, but your wife has also made commitments of "wife" and "mother" and I'm not seeing where those roles are being honored. I'm sickened by reading about the degree of her selfishness.....especially when it comes to innocent children who had no say about being a part of this family/relationship!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 08-07-2012 at 03:29 AM.
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  #18  
Old 08-07-2012, 08:32 PM
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Sounds like its time to dom up. If she wants her men to be dominant then drop the Mr. Nice respectful thing and put your foot down. That's how I would play it anyway. I get really concerned when women go to doms and lose track of their responsibility because they are too high on the BDSM thing. It can be a drug for both parties and these two sound like they are in it bad. If I were in your shoes I would not date anyone and concentrate on getting your wife back.

She sounds like a whiney child to me and they sometimes need to be put over the knee and spanked (mistress talking here ). Seriously, I wonder if she would respond to a little assertiveness on your part. It might jolt her out of it.

As for the dom, I think he could babysit while you sort this out. Time to step up and be a real dom, one that has integrity and considers everyone involved. He's slacking on his responsibility by being selfish.

Maybe once they come down from this and get back to reality, they could take two weeks holiday together; one for him to beat her just as she likes and one to heal from it (emotionally, physically and to come back to reality). I wonder if you suggest this as an option (shows you are giving) there would be some movement towards thinking of her responsibilities again.
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  #19  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrapEndOfTheStick View Post
She informed that she and her Dom wanted to start doing slaps and strikes to the face. I sad emphatically "NO.. No way in Hell!" . . . I don't like seeing bruises and red-angry marks on my wife's skin that I know were left by someone's intentional actions... I don't care if she wanted it, I still don't like.. Number 2 and it's big one. She works in a very conservative office, and the last thing I need is a bunch of office-harpies thinking I'm beating my wife up, because she keeps showing up every so often with a bruise on her face.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
I don't know much about BDSM but this is very disturbing to me . . . Who, in their right mind, would want to go to work every day with bruises/marks on their face?!?! Shit, I'm all for a little spanking, biting, little marks, where they can be HIDDEN, not on show for the world but visible markings, particularly on the face, neck area?
I just wanted to respond to these passages. I am not into BDSM, but I like to do some kinky things every now and then. I do occasionally like having my face slapped during sex, and have allowed two of my past lovers to do that. I have never had a bruise on my face from any of those instances. Yes, red marks in the moment, but never anything lasting. I'm not really into it for the pain or any humiliation; I just like the little bit of shock and surprise it gives me, and I really only like it when I am riding on top. So, perhaps I never was bruised because my lovers weren't actually trying to beat me, or because it's never anything I've done for a prolonged amount of time - since after a few slaps the shock value is gone. I can't imagine wanting to be slapped around as if someone was beating me in an attack, but I just wanted to say that I have experienced face slaps without having any marks on me afterward. So, maybe there is a middle ground where she could have a little of it as long as the technique used is very carefully and measuredly administered so as not to bruise.

Of course, I am not addressing all the other fucked-upness about her relationship with her Dom, which need to be addressed before anymore leeway is given her. I just wanted to address that one point. HTH.
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  #20  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:32 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I've read the thread a few times-and not replied til now.
My first thought was "damn I hope RP reads this and replies (which she did)as I know she's a Dom with a BRAIN."

My second is
I am submissive (happens to be with my husband) and there have OCCASIONALLY been bruises that caught my boyfriends eye and worried him-because I do bruise really easy and something minute can cause a serious bruise depending upon location.


BUT-the bottom line is this

FIRST she is a mother. Anything else comes second and should NEVER be priority over the children's needs for BOTH PARENTS and all that entails. If she can't prioritize that-restrictions need to be put in place on the children's behalf.
There is another poster on here, dingedheart, with a horrifying story of a mom who wasn't prioritizing the kids and it had SERIOUSLY damaging effects on the kiddos.

SECOND-if her "Dom" can't prioritize and respect the responsibilities she has as a mother and a wife-they aren't doing their freaking job and therefore are not a functional, respectable or reasonable Dom.
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