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  #11  
Old 08-14-2012, 06:35 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Thank you Gala, I really appreciate your input!
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  #12  
Old 08-14-2012, 07:33 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
Also, she may be trying to illicit jealousy. She has done things to illicit jealousy before and I have pointed it out her without getting upset. If that is that case what would you recommend me do?
I have no idea, I don't ever recall anybody trying to make me jealous & the only jealousy I elicit is stuff like "I just made coffee ice cream and you wont get any!"

Hopefully her motives when she does this are more of an unconscious "I want to be reassured you still love me" and not a "I want you to feel jealous/envy and be unhappy" It sounds like you are have been handling it OK, but obviously if she continues behavior like that when she gets back and you are dating other people, that could become a problem.

I'd probably ask gentle questions when she does it about what she means by what she said. If you see a pattern about what triggers the behavior, you can point it out. I don't know if she is open to looking into her motivations and seeking the root of her feelings (sometimes people aren't ready to really examine themselves), but if you can not take it personally, I'd probably just not make it a big deal and see if time builds enough trust for her to cut it out. Poly of course has the potential to exacerbate stuff like this though, and if it does, I'd come back and ask that specific question to the forum, where you'll certainly get more useful advice than mine on the subject!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
I definitely don't want to go back to having a monogamous relationship, at the moment, even if nothing happens. Yes, I was part of the decision to be open. I brought up the idea in our closed relationship. This is a good point, I will ask her why she wants to go back. I can make some guess' but I suppose I feel like I should stop guessing and start inquiring. (That being said, she is returning to a very rigorous college curriculum where she won't have much time for another partner.)

I often feel the need to have a variety of people in which I can pursue intimate or sexual encounters with
I am hoping that things go smoothly when she gets back, obviously if she has a strong preference to go back to monogamy when she gets back it will be a struggle. She will also be dealing with some "heartbreak" from leaving the guy she's been dating which will make it harder for you, but it seems like you'll be able to handle it. You might want to remind her that dating locally will be less likely to involve that feeling of loss, if that really is the negative she feels now that makes her want to become monogamous again, not that she will necessarily be in a place to hear that.

Whether she stays involved with him, or dates others when she gets back, just remember its OK to say "Hey honey, can we take a break from talking about your boyfriend for awhile?" "Hey honey, lets just keep the details of what happened with you and him between the sheets last night a mystery this time" "Hey honey, I'm not really jealous you went to see that movie with him and not me, but I don't want to hear about it because I still want to be surprised by the plot". Practicing saying that stuff the moment I feel distress about it, instead of biting my tongue and hoping my husband is almost done with his story of his girlfriends weird spiritual beliefs so we can get back to the "date" part of our date night has helped me a lot. I'm pretty sure I can be insensitive going on about my boyfriend too, and I'd welcome my husband telling me to shush if he has had enough of listening to me.

"Charles’ Ideas, Thoughts, and Guidelines" Seriously, I'd dance a fucking jig if I was ever lucky enough to have a partner who could put their feelings wants and desires down so clearly. Kudos.
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  #13  
Old 08-16-2012, 02:20 AM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Quote:
"Charles’ Ideas, Thoughts, and Guidelines" Seriously, I'd dance a fucking jig if I was ever lucky enough to have a partner who could put their feelings wants and desires down so clearly. Kudos.
This makes me smile :]

Her return has went very well. (Outside of finding out she broke one of the limitations we talked about briefly. Although, I must admit our limitations were really only casually mentioned.) Today, we sat down and exchanged guidelines, expectations and talked about things. Largely, our expectations were rather similar. (Although, I would be curious about other peoples limitations to oral sex and the logical reasons behind them. My thoughts were that semen tends to be the biggest concern to health, and that cunnilingus is less dangerous.) She is accepting of my wanting to keep the poly thing going. She is not sure if she wants another situation like the one she just left, but doesn't want meaningless sex either. She definitely wants to stay in touch with him and see him again in the future.

Yeah, so things are pretty good. I communicated to her that I would like less detail about their involvement. She is also going to start reading Opening Up to get a better grasp on things. I spoke to her about the jealousy thing too. She said she was simply being short-sighted.

I'm happy everything is going so well, and am very glad to have her back :]

Thanks to everyone for your help and support.
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  #14  
Old 08-16-2012, 02:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad things are looking up!

Quote:
Although, I would be curious about other peoples limitations to oral sex and the logical reasons behind them.
Oral is oral. STD is STD.

Barriers please -- condoms, gloves, dental dams, saran wrap. Different degrees of safety/comfort of course but something! The only safe sex is zero sex. It's just degrees of safer sex. Everyone has a different line in the sane for their own comfort level. Me? There's no fluid bonding happening without serious negotiation and barrier time served here. Barriers up!

GG.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-16-2012 at 02:42 AM.
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  #15  
Old 08-16-2012, 02:51 AM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Thanks Gala,
Our current agreement involves: Us being fluid bonded, condoms for everyone else and we have currently decided to take oral completely off the table without testing and serious discussion.
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