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Old 08-05-2012, 08:17 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Default The tides have turned

Sadly, the closed triad had to split and now we are in a very interesting situation. Two of us, are madly in love and we are trying to create an equal Vee relationship. Part of the issue of why we cannot do this is my current partners view towards loyalty... Brief history..

Ex-Partner A = The person that i meet first and brought me into the relationship
Partner B= Man i am madly in love with
Partner C = Me

Partner A + B have been together for 16 years, the triad lasted 9 months and now partner B and myself are attempting to go forward, and partner A + B are staying together.

So, i ask those wise and with more experience, is it wrong for me to ask for equitable share of everything. Partner A and i did not stay together due to him not being in love with me that way, however he says he still greatly cares for me and i am part of his family.

What i have told partner B is that if he is unable to give up the loyalty view that this is going nowhere fast. The way it was proposed to me is no matter what i would have to go away, so to speak. That does not work for me, if partner A in 5 years has an issue he never spoke about (which he does hold things in and its like pulling teeth at times) then he should leave, or whoever causes the issues, problems and so on.

Parter B has made it very clear to both of us, he NEEDS both of us to be happy. Partner A has taken off our ring already, has gotten quiet towards me and is feeling insecure... like i am replacing him... even after multiple times telling him i could never replace him.

I have physical needs, emotional needs, that cannot be meet right now, as the breakup just took place a week ago and partner a and b live together. I understand that this should be only temporary, but the goal still has to be for us all to live together and to sleep in one bed.

So any ideas, advice, anything... would help us... we are trying to create our Vee foundation.
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Old 08-05-2012, 08:39 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Your goal is for everyone to live together and sleep in the same bed. Partner A is not in love with you. A says if anything goes wrong you have to leave. B wants both of you. The loyalty thing.

These are all separate pieces that don't fit together. What is the loyalty thing? Is the reason for your post to ask for help fitting these pieces together?
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:19 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
Your goal is for everyone to live together and sleep in the same bed. Partner A is not in love with you. A says if anything goes wrong you have to leave. B wants both of you. The loyalty thing.

These are all separate pieces that don't fit together. What is the loyalty thing? Is the reason for your post to ask for help fitting these pieces together?

Yes part of it is to help me put everything together and the other part is to see if this can be done. We live in different homes and have spent weeks together and they flowed nicely when we were a triad. The funny thing is, the last 2 months we have been more of a Vee than anything, as partner A and myself have been having issues and just were trying to force something that was not there.

Also, am i asking for too much on partner B, telling him that if we are not 100% equal and he always falls back to partner A that i cannot do this?
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:21 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post

Parter B has made it very clear to both of us, he NEEDS both of us to be happy. Partner A has taken off our ring already, has gotten quiet towards me and is feeling insecure... like i am replacing him... even after multiple times telling him i could never replace him.
I guess I, too, am a little confused. You're saying what you want, what A wants, what B wants, and it sounds like they simply aren't compatible, and in cases, mutually exclusive.

I suppose I'm a stickler for accuracy, but B does not 'need' you both to be happy, he won't die if you're not both happy. He very much wants it, but emphatically saying he 'needs' it is useless if what you and A want is mutually exclusive. Is he trying to say you and A must sort out your differences to B's satisfaction? Or simply that you must each decide what you want for happiness and not put him in the middle? Again, it sounds like you and A want two opposite things.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:24 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I guess I, too, am a little confused. You're saying what you want, what A wants, what B wants, and it sounds like they simply aren't compatible, and in cases, mutually exclusive.

I suppose I'm a stickler for accuracy, but B does not 'need' you both to be happy, he won't die if you're not both happy. He very much wants it, but emphatically saying he 'needs' it is useless if what you and A want is mutually exclusive. Is he trying to say you and A must sort out your differences to B's satisfaction? Or simply that you must each decide what you want for happiness and not put him in the middle? Again, it sounds like you and A want two opposite things.
A since the breakup has not said what he wants... it was when we were a triad i agreed to leaving if we had issues. I can no longer agree to that, so that is why we are here... Partner B says he does need both of us and i do believe him or i would not be using this much energy...There is a past that would take too long to explain between A + B
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:30 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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So at some point you made a commitment to both of them that if there were issues you would leave. A is expecting you to live up to the commitment you made. So why do you not feel that you can live up to the commitment you made?

If it's because B is not happy with that commitment, that's not your problem, but his.

When you say "we" are trying to create an equal "V", it's sounding more like two of you want to but the third absolutely does not. That isn't going to work, no matter how hard you try. In fact, the more energy you put into it, the worse things are going to get.

I agree with other posters - this isn't going to work.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:35 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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B and i have made the decision to not include A yet on the discussions, until we know where we are going with this... B has been talking to A, but have not got into great detail... A did tell me and B that he would not issue an ultimatum if this is what B needs to be happy... That he is open to what B needs to be happy.


The reason that will not work as i do not want it that way anymore... B and I are starting with a "clean slate" so to speak...
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:39 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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By requiring 100% equality, you are making a demand that is creating stress and being unrealistic. People are all different by the very nature of being human. Discovering the differences and honoring them is a big part of all happy relationships. The three of you seem to be tossing a lot of demands at each other. Your demands are based on your fear of not having your needs met. The demands A and B are making are based on their fears of not having their needs met.

I recommend talking honestly about the fears underneath those demands, instead of talking about the specific demands. That means you tell A and B what your fears are, and ask each of them to tell you what their fears are. That does not mean demanding they tell you what their fears are. Make the assumption that everyone wants this arrangement and is looking for the opportunity to be in harmony with it. Making demands is an attempt to "correct" a situation they believe is not meeting their needs, which indicates the person who is making the demands wants things to work, they just may not be sure how to get there.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:41 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Snowmelt,

That is very good advice and after i find out how the talk with A and B goes tonight i may have to interject this.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:49 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
Partner B says he does need both of us and i do believe him or i would not be using this much energy...There is a past that would take too long to explain between A + B
Okay, I misread that and thought B was saying that both of you must be happy, rather than he needs both of you in his life.
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