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  #11  
Old 04-23-2010, 11:38 PM
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I wonder why its so hard to just say I will call you at this time and will tell you when I will be back? It makes me feel like there is more going on. I know its rather like treating someone as a child sometimes, is that what she thinks? This is for her benefit as much as yours. She can relax into this kind of boundary and know exactly what is expected of her. As long as you don't bug her in the interum. Does she know this? Have you talked about how it benefits her?

I realize that you two are not me and your lives are not mine. No one is telling you what to do and how to do it. All examples are meant to be to help you two figure out your own way. Have you told her any examples of how others manage their poly time?

If she has some way of making you feel considered, repected and loved in this time of transition from two to three, then I'd love to know because I can't think of one.
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  #12  
Old 04-23-2010, 11:40 PM
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I don't subscribe to the concept of "ultimatums". In other words if I look at you and say "I need you to do this (whatever) in order for me to be with you in a certain way" that is not an ultimatum, that is a criteria you have in order to share your life in a specific manner. This applies both ways.

I see it as, you both have a set of personal criteria required for you to be with someone. If there is a healthy degree of compatibility than the relationship has a good foundation to build on. If those criteria aren't mutually satisfied then the relationship will be a constant struggle or fail.

People can work on compromising and seeing if those criteria have some area for change, very few things are cast in stone. But that may require temporary sacrifice to build the trust and confidence to move forward to meet a desired goal.

P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E

Hope this helps
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  #13  
Old 04-24-2010, 12:00 AM
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I haven't had a chance to talk to her since i have been posting this.

It may be hard for her because she already feels that she has done soooo much to make me comfortable, but we never talked out how things were to be done when she actually found someone. so maybe that's why she feels like i'm being unreasonable in my request. this would also probably make me come off as very childish now that you mention it and i suppose that may be part of why i'm feeling this way. that is a good point tho that it does benefit her as well, i should bring that up. Thanks Redpepper

MonoVCPHG:

I think that you hit the nail on the head. I think that we both had different criteria for how this situation and encounter was to be handled. I had thought that i would be knowing when i would see her after but not to control how much time they have, but because i need the crutch of knowing when i will see her. but on her side she feels that she was allowed the entire day and agreed to meet this person for "a day"...our definitions are crossed and she is saying that she thinks its unfair that she have a curfew. I need this only primarily because it is the first time she is going solo without me and i feel like if we ease into it i can meet her demands if we take it slow.


I still need to talk to her about it with all this new light, so we will see how it goes.

Thanks, this has at least helped straighten things out in my head and lowered my anxiety if nothing else
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  #14  
Old 04-24-2010, 12:38 AM
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I didn't say anyone is being childish. I said that people can feel they are being treated as a child when they are given or *expected* to come home at a certain time. Maybe she feels this way? Just by calling it a *curfew* could make her feel this way. What I am suggesting is that you not see it as you needing a "crutch" as you call it, but a need to know how to plan your own life by asking her to help you by giving you a time she will be available. When we make plans with people there is usually a time. I don't arrange to meet someone for coffee without giving them a time. So how is this different.
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  #15  
Old 04-24-2010, 01:11 AM
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That's very true. I wasn't he one calling it a curfew and i agree, it is not the best term for these kinds of things.

Sorry for the misinterpretation. it just helped me see something in a way i felt was applicable to how i was responding to the situation, but i see what you mean in its application towards how it might be making her feel as well.

I hope that is not the case, and if it is then she has put that feeling upon herself in a way by refering to it as a curfew.
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  #16  
Old 04-24-2010, 02:06 AM
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Quote:
I haven't had a chance to talk to her since i have been posting this.
I was curious whether the two of you read each others posts here...unless there are two people going through the exact same situation at the exact same time who just happen to be on this forum. Of course, maybe you two have an agreement not to post on each others topics?
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  #17  
Old 04-24-2010, 02:11 AM
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which thread is this Mr./Mrs. Sleuthe?

i don't believe she has posted on this exact issue but it is possible...
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  #18  
Old 04-24-2010, 02:48 AM
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her reading this would def be useful,

i don't like being given a curfew so i can relate to her point of view, however i also understand first couple of dates with a new partner checking in at least seems like a good idea,

when i went on first date with R
i made sure to text C and tell him that i was gonna spend the night, that way he didn't expect me home and worry.

Jools
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  #19  
Old 04-24-2010, 03:15 AM
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If you had previously made plans for that evening, and she's now made plans for that same day in the day time, it's up to her to manage to meet both obligations.
I don't think it's so much a matter of her guaranteeing in advance that she's going to make your date, but instead one of you trusting her to make it. The more petulant you become, the less attractive a date you are (sorry, that's not meant to be mean, but I know it sounds that way). Just ask her to let you know when she's going to be meeting you, and then trust her to meet you. If she blows you off for time with him, then the trust was misplaced to begin with, and you're right to be rethinking.
I'd personally like to think that if you say "well, it's up to you to make it, just please give me an eta sometime that afternoon, if you can", she'd be responsible to her promise to you and make it to your date.
I know it's tough, but you're putting a lot on the situation yourself, and you're actually aggravating things for yourself. If you're not comfortable hearing that she may be intimate with him, perhaps you need to renegotiate or re-examine your involvement in the situtation, as you've said.
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  #20  
Old 04-24-2010, 02:27 PM
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Maybe this being her first date, she does not really know if things will go great and she will want to spend alot of time with him or things will be disasterous and she will want to get away as fast as she can. She does not want to commit herself to certain timing. She does not want to feel pressured to make things happen faster than she is ready just because she has a time limit. Maybe you can just ask her to send a text if it looks like it is going to go beyond a certain time. I think it is natural for people in a relationship to want to have a general idea of their love-one's where-abouts most of the time.
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