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Old 08-03-2012, 06:36 PM
TheCubist TheCubist is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7

If she cared about his feeling in the first place she never would have cheated on him. She also wouldn't have told him that she was no longer attracted to him.

This is beyond his asking to have his feelings respected. He's been kicked out and he knows it - he just doesn't want to swallow the truth.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Nicely written there.

Own your own bag. Stop pussyfooting. You have the responsibility to know and state your wants, needs and limits.

Start making it concrete. Stop being vague.

Example: If you KNOW you get jealous when you are all on the program, own it.
  • Tell them both you feel jealous. You are trying to work on it and will be experimenting and appreciate their patience and support.
  • Stop using the program. Prob solved?
  • Use the program, and live with the fact that others are on there using it. Prob solved?
  • Tell her to make herself invisible on it and/or him. There. You don't have to look at it. Prob solved? (Not the best way, but solved enough for now perhaps.)
  • Remember you spend time with her in X area, so her spending time in Y program isn't a big thing. Prob solved?

I mean, do you get jealous they use the whole internet? Breathe the air you breathe? C'mon. That is YOUR baggage to own IF she's doing nothing malicious or mean or thoughtless to rub your nose in it in a mean way.

But she isn't a mind reader -- spell out your wants, needs, limits to YOURSELF and then to your poly peeps!

Sounds fine. What is your prob that you feel like she is more involved with him? Are yout counting kisses or something? What does she have to do to give you support and nurture so you can relax and give yourself permission to feel/get secure?

Is she doing it? X dates a week? Y phone calls? Being full present when it is your date time?

If she does all she can in the support and nurture areas? Then the problem is YOU and that you are not secure because you are not doing your work. And that is something only YOU can fix from within.

Work on this. She cannot MAKE you feel secure any more than she can make it rain or the sun shine. Feelings are just there, internal weather. We do not choose to feel it when we feel it. We can choose how to behave in response -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT.

So... where you gonna take it next? This business of holding/owning your own baggage? She can help you unpack -- worries, fears, insecurities. She can even suggest that the blue shirt doesn't flatter you much. But it is YOU who has to throw out what no longer serves you and then repack your baggage and carry a lighter load. Personal growth.

Only you can decided to do this.

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Old 08-03-2012, 07:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,329

Well, OP needs to walk the walk for himself.

Can't really say more than I already have and I agree with you. It's not complicated -- it is super simple. Just not EASY for the OP to feel or do.

It is this crossroads:
  • GF -- if you say you are still in it, then work with me and treat me right.
  • GF -- If you are not it in any more, treat me right. Clearly say you are not so we can disband CLEANLY and not me being used.
  • GF -- You are not making a move, therefore I must treat me right and make the move without your input. *I* call for this relationship disbanding. You don't want to play honorably with me and I'm sad, but I must treat me right to spare me further pain rather than this going on and on.

Hang in there, blahblah. *hug* Do what you gotta do that is best for YOU.

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Old 08-03-2012, 08:51 PM
blahblah blahblah is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7


i dont know, maybe i am the third wheel ive asked her if i was "in the way" even him and they both denied it

i feel like shes putting too much effort in if she wants to kill it (ie actually staying over here, still showing me lots and affection when the three of us are together)

nah not counting kisses, but there are ways i guess hes getting more and im not, it sounds stupid, but they are just certain actions

i wouldnt be so anxious hurt etc if i got to see her constantly, but i dont, and in a month they'll be back together every day, and as i stated before, my time is so limited with her, i totally support her and the other dude and dont wanna eat up there time, again the balance just feels extremely unfair. I have confronted it about her but she turns it around to "arent i giving you enough, youre never happy, ugh"

so i get scared

and no im not a troll and no i dont enjoy this pain, but when we are alone she does feel very lovey and attached to me. But i only got maybe a day of that.
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:33 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,329

That is the reality of the LDR relationship. My OSO (years past) was my LDR BF. He hated that Local BF (now DH) had access to me in ways he did not. But that was a reality of the realtionship. School, work, money, etc all put limits. He learned to live with that. I told him to seek a local Sweetie too -- because I'm sorry. In that time? In that place? I couldn't CHANGE anything about it to be his local Sweetie!

And the door was open -- here he chose to be with me. I gave all I could give. How is it my fault the Universe makes it so he craves more than I have to share? I cannot clone me! So I told him to own what he signed up for willingly, and stop leaking all his baggage on me -- his insecure, bad mood, blahs. If this is not pleasing you any more, walk away. I warned him in the contract. I can help unpack baggage, I can support, I can nurture but everyone carries their own baggage. Don't be foisting yours on ME to carry. I carry my own.

I do not know if you are LDR to her -- and it is a problem of geography only. Or if it is also a problem of time schedules. But Own the reality of this relationship in this time and place. Or let her go.

You can't make another Thursday pop up midweek. You can't change school times or work times magically. You cannot keep torturing yourself like this.

You keep leaking bad self-esteem/insecure on to your poly peeps? They will get so over your tiresome Eeyore butt. Who wants to hang with that?

Are you depressed? You are responsible for your own equipment. Get a check up.

They can nurture and support and reassure til the cows come home but if you refuse to BELIEVE and be ok -- then it gets this polyship nowhere fast.

If having/seeing them in your home is too much, DO NOT INVITE THEM AGAIN LIKE THAT. You tried a thing, hoping to feel compersion, and found it was a mixed bag of compersion and weird.

So... you learned something. It's your move dude.

Decide how you want to be in this relationship and BE it. Enjoy it for what it IS.

Or do not be in this relationship. And be free of suffering.

But this business of torturing yourself -- unless you like the s/m thing -- what for? You do not sound happy.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-04-2012 at 02:38 AM.
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Posts: 6,329

PS: I do not mean any of that unkindly. I mean it in a compassionate but firm way. I feel sorry you are hurting. But only you have the power for it to STOP hurting.

You have to decide SOMETHING here. Only you know what that might be.
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Old 08-04-2012, 04:20 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

She is not poly because she is not honest. She cheated and lied. You decided to work with her to polish the results of her lying and cheating. Your efforts gave her something. It gave her the "balance" that works for her. She wants to be with him a lot more than she wants to be with you, and she is. At this point I would go even further than that and say she wants to be with him and not with you at all. She is obviously getting something from you being there that she wouldn't be getting if you left her (is it money? is it a place to have sex?), so she's not going to tell you she doesn't want you at all.

She has no incentive to give you more of her time or attention, because you've clearly shown her you'll ask for more and accept it when she says no. The three of you are going to continue doing this dance until you grow some self confidence and see what is really going on here. You're being used. My suggestion is to let them have each other and move on with your life. The funny thing is, even if you have the confidence to get on with your life, once you are no longer providing for them, they may not want each other when they have to experience the work of providing for themselves.

The other guy feels special right now, because he is getting a lot of attention from her. That's hard for you to watch. She will eventually lose interest and cheat on him too. When the other guy looks at you, he thinks he is seeing the poor guy she doesn't want anymore. He is actually seeing his own future if he stays with her long enough, because this dance is the way she lives her life. He just doesn't know it yet. In my opinion, blahblah, the best thing you can do for yourself is let them have each other and move on with your life.
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