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  #11  
Old 08-02-2012, 04:50 AM
TheCubist TheCubist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I have to concur.

Get a FIRMER want, need, limit out of her.

State your want, need, limit.


Something like...




And see what happens.

GG
Except he has no leverage. He couldn't even set the limits of her not seeing someone else in the first place.

She already stated that she wasn't attracted to him anymore. She already is hot and heavy with this other guy to the point where they're going to move in together.

What is he backing his ultimatum with? The threat to leave the relationship?

Also, I have a question: If this guy can't affort to pay for food nor to go halvs on the ring .. how is he affording to take her to Paris?
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  #12  
Old 08-02-2012, 05:28 AM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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I think Cubist may have a point, you might not be in a position to make a strong ultimatum, but you need to do it anyway. Be prepared that it could be the end, but don't let anyone walk all over you and take your love for granted, you deserve better and there are other women out there. Be strong and be true to yourself and don't be afraid to send her packing.

Good luck!
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  #13  
Old 08-02-2012, 06:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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That's what I mean.

He must clearly state his LIMIT of "Look, we have to work on this. You say this but do this. So. What kind of rship is this now?

If you say you are still in it, then work with me and treat me right.

If you are not it in any more, treat me right anyway. And clearly say you are not so we can disband CLEANLY. So I can move on from a place of clear information given and no more of this hither and yon nonsense."

I don't have a problem with people realizing the end of the rship has come to pass. That happens. I do have a problem in beating around the bush and hemming hawing AND taking advantage -- using his house, his time, his energy, etc. That's just... ew. Not ethical at ALL.

Sorry, OP. I kinda got all GRR there. It's pet peeve. But still. You must talk to her and set things straight. Move yourself out of suffering -- ask for the clarify and set yourself free on a path to better rship with her or better rship without her. Either way you win -- better for YOU.

GalaGirl.
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  #14  
Old 08-02-2012, 01:20 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It seems like maybe she's ready to break up and is using poly as a way to do it without having to admit to you (or maybe even to herself!) what's going on. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but considering the way this was introduced to you, you're handling it amazingly, whereas she doesn't seem to be willing to consider your needs at any point. I would ask her point blank if she's not into the relationship any more, maybe even press her on the topic. If she insists that she's still invested and you want to keep trying, give her some things about NRE to read and hold her to future promises about alone time (not sex, necessarily, most people don't do well under that sort of pressure, but making time just for the two of you). Poly should never be an excuse for neglecting any of your partners!
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  #15  
Old 08-03-2012, 02:36 PM
blahblah blahblah is offline
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well we did get to spend a night and a full day without the other dude, it went well

last night all 3 hung out at my place, it was romantic and sweet, she cuddled and loved us both, but i still felt that she was way more involved with him

she even text'd me as we all were hanging out that she wished she had more alone time with him. an hour later they talked alone in my room for an hour, but they still had 4 days completely alone and will be seeing each other every day next month, whereas i only will see her for a long weekend once a month

it seems like she wants this to work, but she cant strike a balance, im not sure if it will get better as they become less and less new to eachother

him and i did hang out at my place after she left, he said he felt bad he was over so much, and thought we all got closer.
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  #16  
Old 08-03-2012, 03:32 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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Glad things went a little better the last couple of days, but remember you still need to be assertive when stating your needs. To me it sounds like you are being shuffled from primary to secondary position, (for lack of a better way to put it); if you're cool with that great, but if your not, you need to let that be known immediately. I'm all for giving of yourself to make your love happy, but if you give too much of yourself, what is left for you? Good luck to you. I hope everything works out the way you would like.

Skater21
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  #17  
Old 08-03-2012, 04:08 PM
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yeah maybe i dunno

i mean its weird but all three of us use this text program and when can see when eachother are online i'll text her stuff, she'll be online but she'll ignore my texts but i know the other dude is online and i know theyre chatting

its just little stuff like that that really gets to me, she has no idea how much it hurts
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  #18  
Old 08-03-2012, 04:58 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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Believe me, I know what you mean, my wife has a relationship with a man who lives far from us; they of course spend a lot of time messaging on Skype and such. It used to drive me crazy with jealousy. Everytime I'd leave the house, I'd be worried about them messaging each other. It took me a long time to get comfortable with it, and my wife was amazingly patient with me, but as I became more comfortable, I made it clear that I had a need to feel like I came first for her. When I am at home, I want to have her attention and affection focused on me. She has been great about this, she has moved her computer from the office to the bedroom, so that it isn't so secret what she is up to. When she wants to message him when I am at home she asks me if that would be okay. Not that I am her keeper or anything, just that she respects my need to feel like our family comes first. I never tell her no, but it is good to know that she is respecting my boundaries.

I get the feeling that your needs may not be being met, and your girlfriend may not be respecting your boundaries; probably because she doesn't know what your needs and boundaries are. Spell it out to her now. Let her know that you feel slighted when she doesn't respond to your messages, be flexible (like you have been) but also be firm. Your needs and boundaries are worthy of being respected. Never forget that!

Good luck!
Skater21
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  #19  
Old 08-03-2012, 05:44 PM
TheCubist TheCubist is offline
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Forget it, brother. You went from the primary, to the secondary, to the third wheel, and now you're left to beg for scraps.

If you have any doubt, don't IM or communicate with her until she contacts you. Let's see how long that takes.

Please forgive me, but I"m beginning to suspect this is either a troll, or you're getting some sort of pleasure out of becoming a cuckold.
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  #20  
Old 08-03-2012, 05:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I get the feeling that your needs may not be being met, and your girlfriend may not be respecting your boundaries; probably because she doesn't know what your needs and boundaries are. Spell it out to her now. Let her know that you feel slighted when she doesn't respond to your messages, be flexible (like you have been) but also be firm. Your needs and boundaries are worthy of being respected. Never forget that!
Nicely written there.

Own your own bag. Stop pussyfooting. You have the responsibility to know and state your wants, needs and limits.

Start making it concrete. Stop being vague.

Example: If you KNOW you get jealous when you are all on the program, own it.
  • Tell them both you feel jealous. You are trying to work on it and will be experimenting and appreciate their patience and support.
  • Stop using the program. Prob solved?
  • Use the program, and live with the fact that others are on there using it. Prob solved?
  • Tell her to make herself invisible on it and/or him. There. You don't have to look at it. Prob solved? (Not the best way, but solved enough for now perhaps.)
  • Remember you spend time with her in X area, so her spending time in Y program isn't a big thing. Prob solved?

I mean, do you get jealous they use the whole internet? Breathe the air you breathe? C'mon. That is YOUR baggage to own IF she's doing nothing malicious or mean or thoughtless to rub your nose in it in a mean way.

But she isn't a mind reader -- spell out your wants, needs, limits to YOURSELF and then to your poly peeps!

Quote:
she cuddled and loved us both, but i still felt that she was way more involved with him
Sounds fine. What is your prob that you feel like she is more involved with him? Are yout counting kisses or something? What does she have to do to give you support and nurture so you can relax and give yourself permission to feel/get secure?

Is she doing it? X dates a week? Y phone calls? Being full present when it is your date time?

If she does all she can in the support and nurture areas? Then the problem is YOU and that you are not secure because you are not doing your work. And that is something only YOU can fix from within.

Work on this. She cannot MAKE you feel secure any more than she can make it rain or the sun shine. Feelings are just there, internal weather. We do not choose to feel it when we feel it. We can choose how to behave in response -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT.

So... where you gonna take it next? This business of holding/owning your own baggage? She can help you unpack -- worries, fears, insecurities. She can even suggest that the blue shirt doesn't flatter you much. But it is YOU who has to throw out what no longer serves you and then repack your baggage and carry a lighter load. Personal growth.

Only you can decided to do this.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-03-2012 at 05:58 PM.
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