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  #1  
Old 06-12-2013, 12:34 PM
Postalpagan Postalpagan is offline
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Default Married men, advice and experiences please

I am a 51 year old man married for second time who is eager to have poly relationship(s), but find I am hitting a wall. My wife, who is 40 and was poly and single when we met seems to find other men everytime she turns around. She has male friends that she spends time with and currently has an emotional relationship, but no sex, with another man who is married. Although I don't think its a good idea that this is happening behind his wife's back. When I try to find other women, it is an exercise in frustration. Once in a while I run into women who assume because I always say I am married (honesty here) that I am on the brink of divorce and lining up my next wife (nope) or that I only want a mistress (again nope). A single female online friend who is poly told me that she assumes this when she sees married men on dating sites and it jives with what I have found. Also, I get women who are looking for a sugardaddy/instant husband and insist that even though we just met, she is sooo much better for me than my wife (no drama wanted here, so block) . It seems to me that it is 100 times easier for women, regardless of marital status, to meet other men than it is for men to meet other women , especially since I believe that 97% of women firmly believe that their purpose in life is to marry THE ONE. I even tried ourtime since I thought maybe 50+ ladies would have outgrown the drama and the obcession with the fairy tale, but nope, profile after profile seeking "the one".

My question guys, is how on earth do you meet women who are genuinely interested in poly, not drama queens, needy, waiting for a doctor or lawyer, wanting a ring at any price, and can respect your wife so that she will be comfortable allowing a secondary relationship? I have received a suggestion to try "alternative groups". I am Pagan and last year at PPD, there was a table from a Poly Meetup group based in Indy, but with children with me, I wasn't really free to talk with them. Pagans as a group tend to be more receptive to poly, but almost all Pagan events are on Saturdays when I always work unless I can plan about a year ahead. I also received an invitation to join MENSA, but again, events are on Saturdays. I have somewhat of an interest in ComiCon events, but again, Saturdays. I have a woman friend in nearby Indy with whom I have been talking for about three years and I would like to meet her in person. I am confident her and I would hit it off, but the problem here is that it is a "hard limit" for my wife as she is mixed race, mainly African-American.

Married guys, any advice??
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  #2  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:19 PM
london london is offline
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Tell your wife to get over her prejudices, firstly. No idea how you could be married to a racist. After that join okcupid. If your wife is cool with it, have her join too so you can link profiles.

Back to the racism thing, it's fine for your wife to prefer caucasian people for aesthetic purposes or whatever. Making black people a hard limit for your poly husband to date is nothing but small minded racist behaviour. Doesn't that bother you?
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  #3  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:22 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
It seems to me that it is 100 times easier for women, regardless of marital status, to meet other men than it is for men to meet other women
It is an entirely different task for women. They are pretty much sifting through the scumbags who are crashing into them like waves of loser until they find one who they want to give a chance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
My question guys, is how on earth do you meet women who are genuinely interested in poly, not drama queens, needy, waiting for a doctor or lawyer, wanting a ring at any price, and can respect your wife so that she will be comfortable allowing a secondary relationship?
The criteria narrows the dating pool considerably. Monogamous men and women have the same issue but in the US they have an exponentially larger dating pool.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
I am Pagan and last year at PPD, there was a table from a Poly Meetup group based in Indy, but with children with me, I wasn't really free to talk with them.
I'm confused as to why you went to a group to meet people and brought your kids - knowing you would have a hard time meeting people if you brought your kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
I have a woman friend in nearby Indy with whom I have been talking for about three years and I would like to meet her in person. I am confident her and I would hit it off, but the problem here is that it is a "hard limit" for my wife as she is mixed race, mainly African-American.
I have no idea what you are saying here, but I'm curious.

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Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
Married guys, any advice??
Also curious, why is it married men in particular you are seeking advice from?
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Old 06-12-2013, 01:22 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Well I'm technically not qualified to give you advice, because I'm a woman. But I'm married to a married guy who is 56 and has a very successful poly dating life, so here goes:

my husband meets women IRL and online (have you tried OKCupid)?
He meets them through shared interests, shared life philosophies, a shared view of relationships. Some women he contacts and meets and dates do not define themselves as poly. What they do define themselves as, is OPEN MINDED.
Non judgmental, open to new experiences, open to exploring things that are out of their comfort zone.

To get to the point: I would NEVER consider even casually dating a guy whose wife had my race as a hard limit.

Being poly is not just about being able to love more than one. Oh I'm sure there are lots of people with hard limits like yours (because it is yours, as well, since you don't stand up to your wife about this). I'm just saying that it's a lot harder for those people to find a good poly match (or any relationship match) than for open minded people, who explore friendships and love and relationships without those hard limits.
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Old 06-12-2013, 01:29 PM
london london is offline
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Even if I was white, I wouldn't date someone with a racist wife.
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  #6  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:05 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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You seem to have a lot of things working against you to allow things to develop organically with potential partners:

-Your kids are not aware of the fact that you're poly so you have to be very careful not to out yourself around them.
-Your wife is setting limits on who you can date before you even meet another person.
-You don't have a convenient work schedule for meeting people since many events are held on Saturdays.
-You sound really jaded about women in general from your experiences so far.

So advice on what to do next; don't compare your dating life with your wife's. If you appear desperate to be in a relationship it's going to come off to any potentially willing partner that "she'll do" rather than there being a genuine attraction and chemistry. Change your on-line profile from "married" to "available". You can always tell women who you are talking to that you are married before you meet them. Find a local poly discussion group that doesn't meet on Saturdays and get to know the people there with no expectations of dating.

Oh and I am white and wouldn't date someone with a racist wife.
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Old 06-12-2013, 04:49 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I thought we solved racism when Obama was elected. What the hell happened?
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Old 06-12-2013, 07:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No poly woman in her right mind would be interested in a man whose wife is the one deciding whom he can date. I prefer a man who knows his own mind and exercises his freedom to make his own choices.

How can you put up with her racism?
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  #9  
Old 06-13-2013, 02:56 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I thought we solved racism when Obama was elected. What the hell happened?
*snort*
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  #10  
Old 06-13-2013, 03:22 AM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
It seems to me that it is 100 times easier for women, regardless of marital status, to meet other men than it is for men to meet other women , especially since I believe that 97% of women firmly believe that their purpose in life is to marry THE ONE...

My question guys, is how on earth do you meet women who are genuinely interested in poly, not drama queens, needy, waiting for a doctor or lawyer, wanting a ring at any price, and can respect your wife so that she will be comfortable allowing a secondary relationship?
First, you'd have to be the kind of guy that those women you have in mind would want to meet. And from your list of horrible stereotypes about women's desires, I don't know that you are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Postalpagan View Post
I have a woman friend in nearby Indy with whom I have been talking for about three years and I would like to meet her in person. I am confident her and I would hit it off, but the problem here is that it is a "hard limit" for my wife as she is mixed race, mainly African-American.

Married guys, any advice??
Please stop being friends with that woman in Indy. She deserves better in life than to end up involved in some racist woman's drama by association. Black women have to deal with enough racism, sexism and general discrimination in this society without having someone knowingly drag them into it. If you fully disclose that you're married when you meet someone, you should fully disclose that you're married to a racist.
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Last edited by Chimera; 06-13-2013 at 03:26 AM.
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