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  #11  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:45 AM
bambisrevenge bambisrevenge is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
You are girlfriend is not poly your girlfriend is a cheater who pulled the poly card to try to have her cake and eat it too when caught.
Part of me thinks that. Especially because this hasn't really come up before. But I do trust her (well...mostly) and I think she is being honest.

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Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Sounds like you want to stay with her. Is she cool being mono and not cheating again? Not seeing this guy isn't enough. She will find someone else.
She says she brought up the poly thing because we were laying all our cards on the table, and that if it is not something I want than she will be fine with that decision. It is something we will probably discuss more in depth in the future (assuming we get through this).

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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I think asking her to never see him again is a bit harsh. Asking her not to see him for a while during your processing time is pretty understandable (to me), though. I am a firm believer that there are some people that I could never have in my life.
I certainly don't want her seeing him (even just as friends) now. And I have told her I may never want him in her life. This upset her quite a bit. But I need to be realistic, I may never want him in her life again and I need her to be ok with that.

GalaGirl: You said a lot of very helpful things, but I don't think that is quite how our relationship is. She is not blaming me at all, she takes full responsibility.

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Originally Posted by AJ1 View Post
My sex drive goes through the roof in NRE, and 90% of that spills over into my primary relationship.
What is NRE? And even if I experience more sex, I just have trouble thinking of her with other people, I don't know why, it is hard to vocalize.
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  #12  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
I do genuinely think she is sorry, but that doesn't justify anything in my mind. It does obviously open up the road to forgiveness though. I do think I have it in me to forgive, I love this girl, a lot. The strongest barrier to our relationship is re-establishing trust and me believing that she won't cheat again.
Yes, indeed. She needs to rebuild her trustworthiness before you can consent to poly. You two now have a great opportunity to discuss boundaries and figure out what would make each of you happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Visit Tristan Taormino's website for some checklists you can download: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

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Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
She has not had anymore contact with D since. She has told me she has no intention of pursuing anything beyond friendship with him. However the thought of her with him is, unsettling, to me. So I asked her to cut him out of her life. A pretty strong reaction, I'll admit, but its important to me that she can choose me over him (which feels childish). Since he is a core part of her new group of friends, she claims this would mean her not seeing the entire group. I feel bad about this, but I have anxiety at just the thought of her hanging out with him. She has been very resistant to this demand, but has finally said she will comply with it. I don't know if this is the right thing for me to do.
It seems rather like a dictator-ish thing to do, to me. I mean, normal human beings cannot restrict who the people in their life hang out with, that's just ridiculous - why not chain her to a post? It's the same thing. You don't own her. You and she have your own autonomy and choose to be with each other, and no amount of rules will make you feel more secure.

Forbidding her to see him will do nothing to regain your trust, and might even make him more appealing to her - we always want what we can't have! Rebuilding trust is her responsibility now, and needs to come from her actions, not your mandates! Better that you see if she can act honorably while she is still hanging out with him - y'know, give her enough rope to hang herself with and see what she does. Ultimatums never work, and rules are too confining, so all you can do is state what you will or will not tolerate and leave it up to her to make her own choices. If she wants to respect your relationship, she will. If she doesn't, then you know what's important to her and you can walk. But you cannot force her to be trustworthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
M still says she is interested in Poly . . . I still don't know if I could handle it, but I'm honestly not even sure what Poly is. Or the distinction between poly and swingers and stuff. I could handle 3somes, and that is something else we have talked about and are open to trying. Is that something that can lead to poly?
Basically, swinging is recreational sex, usually with no emotions allowed into the mix. Polyamory is about developing and nurturing multiple loving relationships. Sex is important, but not the focus - love is. Read: Glossary and Definitions and More Than Two to learn more.


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Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
It seems to be the belief that if you're really poly, you just "always" know. From what I'm reading, I don't know if that is true. It might be like being gay. Some people just know their whole life, and then there are people who discover it later on in life. It doesn't make them any less gay.
It is not necessary to personally identify as poly in order to practice it. Many of us, myself included, don't buy the "hard-wiring" theory. We view polyamory as simply a structure for relationships, not an identity or orientation. So, there isn't always a wrestling with "am I or not?" For many, polyamorous relationships are just an approach to having and creating love in our lives, which we embrace and pursue, but it isn't "who we are." Just FYI.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-01-2012 at 02:14 AM.
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  #13  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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GalaGirl: You said a lot of very helpful things, but I don't think that is quite how our relationship is. She is not blaming me at all, she takes full responsibility.
Ah, ok. Then I'd move her into the "3 strikes you are out bucket" rather than the 1 strike you are out.

Sorry I misunderstood -- I thought it was lies of omission from the get go. I was hoping you'd clear that point up.

From here then it is still about rebuilding trust.

I can't see how this cheating guy can come in just yet. Did he KNOW she was already partnered? Was he misled? Did he not care? Say all is well there...

You guys still have to fix the polymath chain links of 2 before jumping to 3. Adding more just magnifies the weak places.
  • you to yourself as part of a couple
  • her to herself
  • you to her
  • her to you
  • you + her working as a team
  • ghost layer: how to want to be to each other when this rship does end. (turn volume down to just friends? fade away to nothing but memories? Def not an UGH making parting, right? )

Sort all that out (what tier is weak? Which is ok) and what sort of non-monogamous framework ye would seek then in your NEW relationship configuration. How do you want to be together NOW?
  • A "V" where she is the hinge? MFM?
  • An "N" where you each have another honey but are still together with each other?
  • Swinging? Poly? BDSM playdates? Something else I can't think of? What KIND of ethical nonmonogamy is it here? And for what reason?

There's a lot to talk about in what you guys want before adding on the wants, needs, limits of a third person to the mix.

I mean, you don't even know for YOURSELF on your "you to you" tier if opening up to others is a hard limit or a soft limit yet! And that pretty much determines a LOT of subsequent things.

Quote:
What is NRE? And even if I experience more sex, I just have trouble thinking of her with other people, I don't know why, it is hard to vocalize.
(N)ew (R)elationship (E)nergy. The giddy giddy stuff.

If you have trouble, break it out into your buckets. Me thinking about DH making love with another?

In my MIND bucket? It's kinda hot, if it stems from a good place of Loving. It's horrified if it stems from a nasty place if he were taking advantage of someone. Or if I'm being hurt somehow.

In my HEART bucket? I have no problem with him loving others. Love all you want. World needs more, and it's not like him loving takes anything from me or hurts me if executed well and respectful of me and OUR shared love. I want to feel emotionally safe.

In my Body bucket? I'm leery of disease, unwanted pregnancy. Hygiene please! If I could magically wave that worry away? I'd find the body bucket the easiest one to take!

In my Soul bucket? I squirm. This is the one the jealousy is parked at because I store some of my Soul things in his and I don't LIKE being vulnerable to another taking peekies there. I also want him treated WELL so I would be MUCH happier knowing the person and being friends first so I can trust them with the treasure that is him and that they would handle his heart gently and wisely. It's hard for me to relax with the idea of it being a stranger person.

Maybe ask yourself that -- what bucket exactly does the squirm live in?

Hang in there. It still sounds rough. But I'm glad this is more at the "I made a mistake" place and not "I lie all the time" place. That would be horrific.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-01-2012 at 02:34 AM.
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