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Old 07-31-2012, 10:40 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default Figuring out how to handle my fear around kids

So my secondary partner and his wife are going to start trying for a kid in the fall. We are very much secondaries. I live in a triad with my boyfriend and girlfriend and he lives with, is married to, and owns a house with his wife. Our relationship is set up in such a way that our primary partners come first. We have a really wonderful relationship but it's long distance and ideally we see each other ever month and a half or so (although we've never managed to make that happen consistently because of time and money and all that real life bullshit that gets in the way) I have been so freaked out about them getting pregnant. For one thing my secondary partner's (josh) wife (Katie) is bipolar and will have to go off meds before starting to try.

Katie and I get along like a house on fire. She is one of my best friends and she is exploring poly with a couple of people and really believes in it. She would never ask Josh and I to end our relationship unless she needed too. Which is where some of my fear comes in. I'm worried about her going off meds and needing him to much to have his attention divided. This fear feels a little unfair to Katie because she is an amazing communicator and has always seemed to handle her bipolar disorder very well. I just know that before I met them when they first got married before she got on meds they went through some really really rough patches.

Also for the last two years my triad has been a ton of emotional work. It has been rough in a way that I would have never guessed I was strong enough to handle. I think things are getting back on track, my girlfriend is being treated for depression and we found a really good therapist and I can feel big positive changes happening... but my life has been anything other then stable. Josh and Katie have been there for me a lot when I have lost all hope for my primary relationships. I wasn't great at reaching out for help (which I think is changing) and they know all three of us and josh is amazing about listening to my fears without letting it effect the way he feels about my partners. I'm always scared about venting or explaining because I know how one sided it all is, and in josh I found someone I can trust to take my words and feelings as what they are and not try to push me into making choices.

Ugh. I don't even know where I going with this.

I know that once they have a kid there will be even less time and money. I'm pretty conflict avoident and have the tendency to back off first and ask questions never (which is also something I'm working on) everything has been so unstable for SO LONG I shy away from anything that might make things harder on my primary partners. So I'm not as good as I should be at asking for what I want in the way of time with josh. When I see him I feel great all my fears about kid stuff seems so simple. When josh and I have time together I feel safe. But when we go for long periods of time without seeing each other and more spifically without having sex I start to feel expendable. I feel like the moment they get rocky for whatever reason I will be out. I forget how much he loves me and wants me in his life. I forget how much Katie wants us to be happy and how happy she is being poly. I forget about our connection... which is very physical.

I think this is all about distance and fear that I can't handle more instability. But, Right before I'm about to see josh I start feeling really worried and kind of want to push him away... which is that conflict avoidance thing I'm so good at...

I don't even know what I'm asking for. I want to figure out how to feel safer in my relationship with josh and seeing him more isn't an option. I want to know that I could handle it if we broke up because it was the right thing to do and still be close to my two amazing friends who I've known for years before josh and I fell in love. And I want more sex and a pony...

I feel like I have a need that I don't know how to express because I'm scared if I express it clearly I'll just know for sure I can't have it. It is extremely important to me to be self reliant, I tend to fix/change/shift things inside myself before asking anyone else to change for me. And being the giant hippie I am I believe that learning to manage my own fears and insecurities is part of my path to being the best version of myself I can be. And maybe all it will take is time to prove my fears wrong but I'm not sure what to do until then.
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