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Old 04-21-2010, 09:14 PM
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Firedancer Firedancer is offline
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Default Love is confusing....

Ok my quad situation has been pretty good, but now that everyone but me is saying "love" to one another it's really got me thinking about what love is to me....

1.For one, I don't just fall in love in a month or two, especialy when there are so many people involved. So, what happens if I fall in love with one of the people in my partner couple and not the other, and they are both already telling me they love me? Is it appropriate to tell the one, and not the other?

2.Would I be comprimising my situation by doing this?

3.I am in love with someone outside of this entire situation, unfortunately it is an ex, and DP would never allow me to pursue him in any way. But, I am feeling like all these expectations of love are being put on me, and I know what I want and what the kind of love it is that I "require". My DP recently talked to our partners without coming to me first about closing the relationship and the four of us being monogomous with one another. I was pretty livid, but calmly just told him it was unfair for him to have that conversation without me. I made it clear at the begining that I may date outside of this, and everyone knew that. So, just because things are going well, they get to make that decision? Am I being unfair?

4.Should I cut off all contact with the afformentioned ex? I'm not sure I am ready for that

So, I guess I'm not really confused but feeling frustrated. I want that love I have had only a handfull of times. I refuse to say it, untill I get that "feeling" and yet why do I feel obligated? How long would you be with someone and not feel like you love them before just telling them that it isn't likely to happen?

TIA!
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:34 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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You are not being unfair at all! Each of you brings individual wants to the relationships you form. No one has the right to dictate how you will love or who you should love. With that in mind, that doesn't mean that they have to accept your involvement with them if you chose to do your own thing.

It's about criteria to be in a relationship....do they meet yours? Do you meet theirs?

Be true to yourself and the future will be more natural regardless of the outcome.

Take care
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:48 PM
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It really sounds to me like it's high time to sit down with a list of "my needs" (each of you) and "my desires from this situation" (each of you) and talk.

It is IMPERATIVE that all parties be in on any decisions that affect all of them.

It's one thing for instance for GG to tell me that HE is remaining monogomous to me without talking to Maca. But it would NOT be ok for him and I to agree that we are closing our V and being monogomous together (all 3 of us)without discussing this WITH Maca.

You know?
This is something that would be good to address in that "talk" together about needs/wants.

Also-it would likely be good to schedule an evening that you regularly sit down to discuss things going on in the relationship, changes people are considering/wanting, problems etc......
At least once a month for starters. Once everyone is comfortable you may be able to leave it unscheduled and do it as needed, but at least to get started it seems like a good idea to schedule it at elast once a month.
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Old 04-22-2010, 01:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Firedancer View Post
1.For one, I don't just fall in love in a month or two, especialy when there are so many people involved. So, what happens if I fall in love with one of the people in my partner couple and not the other, and they are both already telling me they love me? Is it appropriate to tell the one, and not the other?
If you are not in love with 2/3 of the quad, then no, it is not inappropriate not to say "I love you." This is actually common in any relationship, poly or mono, when one partner "falls" for the other before the other is ready. I straight forward told one of my exes that "I'm sorry, I don't feel that way right now, but I thank you for feeling that I'm special enough to have gained your love." After that, and until I actually did fall in love, I just said "thank you." To some it may sound cold, but it is honest and that is what is most important in any relationship.

Quote:
2.Would I be comprimising my situation by doing this?
Compromising it by lying? Yes. It's lying if you tell someone you love them and you don't. If you feel it is necessary to qualify the love, do it. I love you as a friend, a person, a sexual partner, the way you make me feel, etc. Be honest to yourself and to them. Then if things fall apart, at least you can't be called a liar and you can feel good that you were honest about your feelings.

Quote:
3.I am in love with someone outside of this entire situation, unfortunately it is an ex, and DP would never allow me to pursue him in any way. But, I am feeling like all these expectations of love are being put on me, and I know what I want and what the kind of love it is that I "require". My DP recently talked to our partners without coming to me first about closing the relationship and the four of us being monogomous with one another. I was pretty livid, but calmly just told him it was unfair for him to have that conversation without me. I made it clear at the begining that I may date outside of this, and everyone knew that. So, just because things are going well, they get to make that decision? Am I being unfair?
To me, it sounds like they are trying to corner you into a situation that they know you did not want. They are showing a united front. If you are not ready for a closed relationship with your partners or you just plain don't want that, tell them. Stand up for yourself just as they are standing up for what they seem to want.

Quote:
4.Should I cut off all contact with the afformentioned ex? I'm not sure I am ready for that
There is really no reason to cut the ex off unless you feel it is necessary because your relationship with him is interfering with your "primary" relationship. I am assuming that it is a platonic relationship currently with just the emotions being more serious, that you are not sexual together? If you are having sexual relations with the ex, that may be what caused your other partners to declare your quad closed. Still not the right way to go about it, but at least you might have a reason why.

Quote:
So, I guess I'm not really confused but feeling frustrated. I want that love I have had only a handfull of times. I refuse to say it, untill I get that "feeling" and yet why do I feel obligated? How long would you be with someone and not feel like you love them before just telling them that it isn't likely to happen?
No one is obligated to say "I am in love with you." to ANYONE. Mono, Poly, familial even. You feel obligated because you don't want to hurt their feelings. It's usually a huge step, leap, risk to tell someone that they love you, I think we all know that deep down and so feel that obligation.

If someone tells me they love me and I don't feel the same, I hope that I have the strength to tell them so. And to tell them whether at this point I feel that I may or may not. Sometimes we can tell, when we like someone, whether it is even possible that we may love them. It is not to string them along, but to be honest. "I don't feel that way about you right now, but I really like you a lot and it may happen." or "I'm sorry, I don't feel that way and I don't know if I ever will." Of course with that second one, you might want to give them some positive points such as you like spending time with them and/or they make you feel special, etc. This has happened to me too, very recently in fact.

I agree with Mono and LR, you need to sit down with the group and figure out what each of you wants out of this relationship.

Good luck.
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