"Fraternal polyamory"?

[Polly73]

I have so many questions that I don't know where to start

So... well, my husband and I have been discussing bringing a second man into our marriage, his brother. Just so no one will jump to conclusions, this would NOT be incestuous in any way shape or form. Originally he started talking about bringing in a third partner and the idea sounded awful to me (brought up believing mono was the only way etc.). At some point I said something like; "well if I could clone you and somehow have you times two it wouldn't be such a crazy idea to me"
So a few weeks later he said; well what about my brother? We sort of look the same and in many ways we think alike and I trust him. So talking for a few months now, this idea has become quite appealing to me. It's still just an idea though and we want to be very very VERY careful. Every single detail needs to be discussed - we do NOT want to lose our marriage. The reason it has become appealing is mostly because I know I can relax and trust his brother. But then there's the notion that two brothers sharing a wife/gf is probably not very common..... or is it? From what I've read online, I know this is common in Nepal and Tibet for a lot of reasons but I still haven't found a single story about this sort of thing here in Europe or N-America. I'm sure there have to be some out there though right?

My husband is not into the idea of seeking out another female to have a relationship with. I'm not bi and not interested in women at all. But having the attention of my husband AND his brother? Well, what can I say.... not that my husband isn't enough for me, he is. And this wouldn't be a live-in situation either. So from what I'm seeing here - he would be a mono partner and I would be a poly partner. It would be a "V" with me being the hinge (still learning the terms).

So on to my questions:

1) For my husband, he claims he would just feel compersion (that's the right term right?) in seeing me be happy with his brother. How realistic is this notion? Not just considering seeing me with another man but with his brother no less? Isn't that alone a minefield? The last thing I want is to cause difficulties between the two of them.

2) What is it generally like for "the secondary"? I absolutely do NOT want anyone to feel neglected or "feel secondary" although my husband always comes first. The bond I have with him is very deep and I can't imagine having such a deep bond with anyone else.... at least not at this time.

3) Do you guys know of any stories about two brothers, one woman type of polyamorous relationships out there? Doesn't matter if they're success stories or not, we would just like to read about all possible outcomes and pitfalls.

Anyway.... I'm glad to have found this place and will continue reading.
All the best to everyone

[NovemberRain]

I don't personally know of any such relationships, but I do have a friend who mentioned she and her hubs had sex with his brother. The brothers are actually twins. They don't seem to have any ill effects from that.

I understand the impulse to want to talk it out, in every detail. I just want to offer the caution that you cannot *know* until you actually are in it. Like learning to swim. You can read everything written about swimming, and you can watch videos of it, and you can talk to people who swim; but until you get in the pool, you won't *know* (and then, you don't start out with the gold medal, you likely start in the shallow end, maybe learning to float, progressing to dog-paddle, and then learning proper strokes).

Very brave of you to even be considering it

[WhatHappened]

What was his original reason for bringing in a third?

[Polly73]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

I don't personally know of any such relationships, but I do have a friend who mentioned she and her hubs had sex with his brother. The brothers are actually twins. They don't seem to have any ill effects from that.

I understand the impulse to want to talk it out, in every detail. I just want to offer the caution that you cannot *know* until you actually are in it. Like learning to swim. You can read everything written about swimming, and you can watch videos of it, and you can talk to people who swim; but until you get in the pool, you won't *know* (and then, you don't start out with the gold medal, you likely start in the shallow end, maybe learning to float, progressing to dog-paddle, and then learning proper strokes).

Very brave of you to even be considering it

Yeah, the thought has occurred to me that talking about it ad nauseum could do more harm than good....

[opalescent]

I am curious. You don't mention talking to the brother directly. Does the brother know about this? Has there been any discussion with him and what might want from such a relationship? (Assuming he is willing, of course.)

I ask because you and your husband could figure out all the ins and outs for yourselves and be flummoxed when he wants input. Or he may not be interested. The work you're doing isn't wasted at all but I can just envision a scenario where you and your husband present this to him, all angles covered in your discussions, and he isn't into it or brings up something y'all hadn't considered. Happens all the time. Talk among yourselves, absolutely, but leave room for him to make a place for himself in the potential V here.

And this would be the same advice I would give to any one considering a V or triad.

[newtoday]

Hmm. I don't know about that one.

It appears that you are talking more about opening your relationship and including his brother moreso than the fact that you are romantically involved with the brother and now want to include him in your original relationship.

That's not exactly poly.

And further to other's comments, where are his thoughts on this? Is it something that he and your husband have discussed and are now including you? Have they shared women in the past?

Poly can be complicated enough. Chances of it being something indefinite and long term are slim. When love becomes involved, it gets complicated. And when it ends, what would the family dynamic be with a former lover? Will it be a secret? What if the rest of the family finds out?

Oh my goodness. I got cold shivers. My bf's brother is quite attractive and very sweet, kind, generous man. But I could never imagine wanting to include him in our sex life! To me, he's family, and I don't go there with family. But that's just me.

As a "secondary", it can be tough. But every circumstance is different. Every relationship defines it's own boundaries. I don't think that anyone can really answer that part of your question for you.

Good Luck!
NT

[redpepper]

Family is awesome in poly, why not go with what is there already. I have an extensive poly chosen family, so why not include siblings. On the other hand when things go wrong it could destroy the fabric of blood family. Nah, I think I'd be looking elsewhere personally. There are plenty more men to chose from and so much time to work on trust. To me its not a good enough reason to partner up with any of my loves brothers.

[GalaGirl]

That's a hard limit for me. No relatives. Too messy for me to deal in.

1) For my husband, he claims he would just feel compersion (that's the right term right?) in seeing me be happy with his brother. How realistic is this notion? Not just considering seeing me with another man but with his brother no less? Isn't that alone a minefield? The last thing I want is to cause difficulties between the two of them.

The only way to guarantee this won't cause difficulties is to not go there at all. Because once gone there? You cannot take it back. DH may SAY he would just feel compersion, but he doesn't know that for a fact. Are you prepared to pay the highest price going there? That your marriage divorces over it and you lose BOTH brothers and that side of your family network? And how does it affect your children lives then?

Think it all the way across and what all the cost would be -- the highest price.

2) What is it generally like for "the secondary"? I absolutely do NOT want anyone to feel neglected or "feel secondary" although my husband always comes first. The bond I have with him is very deep and I can't imagine having such a deep bond with anyone else.... at least not at this time.

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html would be a good place to start reading.

3) Do you guys know of any stories about two brothers, one woman type of polyamorous relationships out there? Doesn't matter if they're success stories or not, we would just like to read about all possible outcomes and pitfalls.

Nope. Not personally. I only know a man who dated once sister first, and they broke up... then after a while he started dating the other sister. They all seem to get on ok, despite the fact he's been lover to both at one point or another. But they are not attempting a shared polyship thing. It was him dating one, then the other. With a big chunk of time in between the two so it was two distinct separate relationships. Their parents and extended relatives and stuff seem ok with it. Which surprises me, frankly -- most of the time people don't want to go even there. So I doubt most families would be all "Yay! A polyship of brothers! Whee!"

Even just on the safe sex thing -- lordy. SO would not want to deal in an "oops baby" in this scenario.


GG

[honestlyopen]

Yes, why does your husband want to open the relationship? I think siblings are a no go area. If things go bad they're still there.

[castle33]

Guuurrrlll. you need to read some Maya Banks. Check out this series:

http://www.mayabanks.com/books/main....nected-colters

The Colters have been doing it for years. I know it's fiction and sometimes not realistic, but it's good. I have wanted to be with brothers before. i still do but the chance of that happening is well, you know... rare.

i am actually really glad that you came here to post. this subject is something very dear to me.

if you want to read any of the books just let me know what you think of them.