Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-10-2009, 06:38 AM
Lucybart Lucybart is offline
New Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1
Default Doubting Polyamory/Swinging

Okay, I'll try not to ramble here.... I have been married to my wife for the past 10 years, we entered into the world of polyamory if you will about 5 years ago. It started off as a discussion of fantasies, which lead to 3some talk, which lead to a mutual male friend getting in on the act. Not expected was the affection and feelings that grew between my wife and this guy. After much soul searching and 'research' we found out about polyamory and it worked for us, we fell in a good M-F-M triad (hopefully I'm defining this right).

It lasted about 4 years, and then for various reason came to an end. Since then we decided we enjoyed the extra spice, and having additional partners that also have at least some sort of emotional connection vs swinging/casual sex.

In the last year, my wife has had relations with 4 different people (we usually do everything together, although I am straight). We just had a friend over tonight and one thing led to another and I found that I did not want to be part of it, so I removed myself. Of course now I am somewhat resentful, yet at the same time we are very open and honest about everything, and it's not like I was cheated on or deceived, but for some reason I'm just not feeling it. Not sure if it's just due to my own insecurities, or perhaps jealousy that my wife has been 'having all the fun', or something else. I don't feel like I can be angry or mad at her, we're completely open and have agreed to this lifestyle, at the same time I can't help but not be excited about things at the moment.

Anyone out there have any experience in this type of thing. It's hard to talk to anybody about, unless they are familiar with it.

Thanks for the time!

Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2009, 02:31 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Welcome to the boards.

Just to be technical, you had a MFM vee relationship, as you report being straight, which would mean no romantic involvement with the other male.

It's up to you to figure out the source of your discomfort. What, exactly caused the discomfort? Is it that you feel you lost something? Is it that you feel she's gained something that you haven't?

One thing to keep in mind is that a new partner for one person isn't necessarily going to be a partner for another. Alongside that, expecting anybody you get involved with to get involved with you as a couple, instead of you as individuals, is a dicey proposition.

As a straight couple, any other person getting involved is necessarily only romantically involved with one of you. There's nothing wrong with that, certainly. It doesn't appear to be working well for you, though, as she's getting additional ties and you aren't. The obvious answer to that is for you to find another woman to get involved with.

Prior to doing that, though, it would be a good thing to sort out the issues you're dealing with and then communicate what's going on clearly with the other folks it will affect. You have to understand exactly what it is you need and what your wife needs and so forth before you can figure out exactly what to do.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2009, 09:17 PM
Danny40179's Avatar
Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 241

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
Welcome to the boards.

It's up to you to figure out the source of your discomfort. What, exactly caused the discomfort? Is it that you feel you lost something? Is it that you feel she's gained something that you haven't?
Bingo!! Gotta figure out why you're uncomfortable now. Was there something in particular about this partner? You mentioned that you weren't sure if it was due to the fact that she's been having all the fun and you haven't. Do you think that's it but you don't want to say that because it just seems unfair to you?

The first time that my wife was with another guy I had a few reservations and wasn't thrilled with it at first. That wasn't very fair of me though seeing as I'd had about 10 years of experiences with other women. After I worked through things on my own, he and I became very good friends and developed a great relationship. I even grew to enjoy when he would come over, because I loved that my wife was enjoying herself so much.

I'll also get back on my Communication soap box. Talk, talk, talk!! They're not always pleasant conversations, but they must be had.

Good luck and let us know how it works out.

Live life to the fullest 'cause you never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow!
Reply With Quote

group, mfm, swinging, third partner, threesome, triad, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:51 PM.