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  #11  
Old 07-30-2012, 03:39 PM
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The10thDoctor The10thDoctor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I could use some timey-wimey trickery to go back and do that properly the second time around....
Well if I ever get my TARDIS working again Ill be sure to give you a spin.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
One way of bringing up the topic is not to make is about you or your relationship. If you have friends who are non-monogamous, they can be a great example.
My friend who introduced me to poly my wife and one of their partners are going to do a double date one night and possibly more in the future. I think exposure will go a long way to helping.

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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Or you can find some sort of news article about a polyamorous celebrity that you read about.
I brought this up in the car she is a fan of Will Smith. She changed the subject. Not really the reaction I was looking for. But, we are just at the beginning.

It makes perfect sense! Thanks for the compliments and the advice


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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi 10th Doctor,
Welcome to our forum.

There's a good link to a post on another site: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...sg9230#msg9230

It may give you some ideas about how to approach this with your wife.

I'm glad you could join us here,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks Kevin happy to be here and thanks for the link. Some good advice in there.
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  #12  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:03 PM
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Hey, I didn't know that Will and Jada are poly. Where have I been?

There's also Warren Buffett (when his first wife was still alive).

10thDoc, you should read this thread: The Initial Conversation
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-01-2012 at 02:05 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-02-2012, 02:17 PM
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Thanks nycindie. That was a long and informative read. It's pretty much what I would expect to happen if I just dropped a bomb on my wife as well.

I really have to work against myself being ansy and impatient. My friend pointed out and made me think hard about issues in my marriage. I have to admit there are some. I think I am going to suggest counseling. Not only will this help our current situation but it will give me a good stage to broach the subject with her as well eventually.
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  #14  
Old 08-16-2012, 06:45 PM
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So I have an update...

Over the past couple weeks the subject of being poly has been on my mind more and more. I normally share most of my thoughts with my wife and she was wondering and worried about why I was being so quiet.

We had scheduled some marriage counseling(our first one is tonight 8/16/12). My friend had recommended that I pick up "The Ethical Slut". Now my wife and I clear most purchases with each other and I did the same with this one. We were in the car driving when I told her what I ordered. I had just been kind of relaying a lot of my friends experiences with being poly as well occasionally. So my wife straight up asked me if I was looking to introduce being poly into our relationship. I panicked..I told her no and that the subject just really fascinated me.

Over the next couple days after that things got very tense and quiet with us and she asked me to tell her what has been on my mind lately. So after a lot of thinking I told her the truth. This was about 4 days ago. She is still in shock and reeling and very upset. She hasn't said no however. She is giving it serious thought. Right now I am just giving her space while she wraps her head around the subject.

Ill update more as events progress..
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Old 08-16-2012, 07:10 PM
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Good that you owned up to it. Yes, of course she's in shock. I am sure you will bring this up in therapy? Hopefully the therapist is poly-friendly or is familiar with or understanding about "alternative lifestyles." If I were you, I would make sure your wife "gets" that your love for her has not faltered, and mention that this is a step that people take when their relationships are strong and basically happy - so it doesn't automatically mean that there is something broken. Please let us know how it goes.
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  #16  
Old 08-17-2012, 01:24 AM
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I had to own up to it. Waiting until "the right time" was hurting her.

I've stressed that I love her and my feelings for her haven't and won't change. I make a point of telling her this every time she brings it up.

The poly "issue" was one of the very first things that came up tonight. The counselor had never heard of polyamory. So I gave her a quick rundown on it. At first I thought this was a bad sign. But after we discussed it a bit she said "your marriage will be whatever rules you two decide on". I'm going to take that as a good sign.

But in the meantime I am trying to hang tough and be as understanding and patient as I possibly can be. My friend reminded me that I am surrounded by people who love me and want me to succeed and be happy. I try to keep that in mind when I start to despair.
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  #17  
Old 08-17-2012, 06:33 PM
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The counsellor that we went to had never heard of it either. I found some documents online that were aimed at professionals, printed them out and gave them to her. She really took them on board and understood the concepts really well and was able to come up with some great analogies which helped our discussions.

This one was one of those that I used: http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm

There is also a newer document, written by several authors, one of whom wrote the first document: http://ego.thechicagoschool.edu/s/84...0Polyamory.pdf

Hope these help!
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  #18  
Old 08-17-2012, 07:53 PM
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Thanks CielDuMatin! I fired them off to her just now!

I'm sure they will be a help!
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2012, 04:49 PM
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It's funny, when my (ex) husband and I opened our marriage to polyamory after 20 yrs of marriage, it came as no shock to him at all that I felt I was poly. My "roving eye" and tendency to get crushes was always there, all that time. I thought I was evil and flawed, and my feelings towards others hurt him a lot (he had/has low self esteem and was very jealous) so I tried to downplay it and hide it for so long... to protect his feelings.

Finally, when I realized I wasnt evil, just poly, and had some language to explain it, he ended up embracing poly and in fact, got a gf, whereas I felt I was too busy raising the kids to date. But at least we could acknowledge how I had these feelings for others, though I chose not to act on them for practical reasons, lack of time and energy.

He did continue to be jealous though, hypocritical silly man, and that was one of the factors in our breakup 4 years ago.

3 months after we separated, I found a wonderful partner who has always been poly, and she and I have been together 3 1/2 years. I continued to date many men as well, had some interesting relationships of varying duration, and in Jan of this year found Mr Right. We are all 3 in something in between a V and a triad, with me as the hinge.
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  #20  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:35 PM
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Just a quick update.

No real progress. She is hiding from the issue I think. A couple weeks ago I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings as well as some info on what polyamory was. She refuses to open and read it. When I bring it up I am told that she is still trying to get her head around the issue and she cant read it right now. It's been a month now with no real discussion about the issue aside from the one time in the counselors office which was just a rehash of what was going on.

She has talked to a couple of her friends about it. I'm not sure what they have said since she wont talk about it.

I'm finding it very hard to keep a positive attitude. I'm also finding it hard to keep patient. I haven't been sleeping very well either.

I have started hakomi therapy and have been training with a relationship coach. This has helped a bit since it gives me something to distract myself with while at the same time helping me to build a strong frame.

I also started a profile on okcupid and have been reaching out to other poly individuals.
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