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  #11  
Old 07-28-2012, 06:08 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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Thank you so much! Every weekend they have friends over and get wasted. The kids even fetch their shots. It makes me feel so sad. I don't join them so that there will be a sober adult there and a driver in case there is an emergency. As a result I spend my weekends watching the kids and feel isolated from them and any guests that may come over. I spend a lot of time alone. Also, as a side note, if I were to leave I know that they would return HEAVY into the swinging lifestyle and spend most weekends partying while the kids were at grandmas. Yeah, that is so much healthier for the kids than having me around being a second mom. The kids would figure it out quick because when they are sswinging it is an all-consuming activity. I don't abide it because I don't believe in meaningless sex, not that I am condemning people who do, I just don't want it in my life. I know he resents me because I don't allow him to swing. Hell, they are probably doing it anyway behind my back. I've caught then cheating on me in the past. I love polyamory and believe in the lifestyle of being a big family with extra love to go around. After 5 years I am beginning to think that they just see it as a big game.
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30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2012, 06:49 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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The other hard thing is, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. After 5 years I've put a lot of time and money in this relationship, and as I am not legally married to him, I have no legal recourse to get compensation if we break up. I am currently on unemployment as I was laid off as a foodstamps and medicaid processor, and if I left I would not have enough money to support myself. My family is crazy and broke too, so I would be homeless. I've been homeless for brief periods before and I am absoluetly petrified of having to do it again. I feel so damned weak.
__________________
Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2012, 02:53 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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The lesson you're learning is to not give yourself away to others like you've been doing. Stay with them if you need to (if you really don't have anywhere else to go), but begin the work of emotionally moving on while you're staying with them. Build a solid foundation for yourself while staying with them - a foundation you can use to live on your own. I will caution you about something. When you do what I suggest, he may be more attracted to your new independence and try to charm you into coming back. Don't do it. Assume nothing has changed with them. When you're financially and logistically ready to be on your own, do it. Don't look back, or go back. Live your life.
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  #14  
Old 08-01-2012, 03:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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*hug*

If you are thinking it really is over, then I'd suggest thinking about snowmelt's advice to get yourself back on your feet.

It feels terrible to be displaced, but with all the drinking and crazy sounding things there -- I hardly see how you being ID'd as a second wife person of stability by some teen friend of the daughter's is tops for horrors! Some of that other stuff sounds more blearghy to me!

Their life sounds... messy. There's honest swing and dishonest swing and if you have already been cheated on... well. That's a dealbreaker to me. Lies can't fly a polyship.

I am so sorry for your burden. It's not an easy one to bear.

*hugs*

GG
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2012, 06:20 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
I'm kinda done with all of this bulls###, but this is the man I thought was my soulmate. He used to say he loved me the most and was my best friend, and that I was the most beautiful thing in the world. Lately I just feel like a concubine. When this all went down he even went as far as to say that the only reason he kept me around anymore was because I was his sex kitten and a stellar lay, and far more adventurous than his wife.
Can I ask what part of the above seemed a healthy enough situation that you'd move in with them? It sounds to be a severely destructive situation and yet some part of being held higher than his wife in their marital home appealed to you. Did she seem happy to have that dynamic or did she not know it was being put to you in that way?
This is not to point fingers but rather to help you see what destructive patterns entice you so you can own them and learn healthier enticements and better foundations to build on. It is going to be the work (self work) that will serve you better than sussing out all the ways they are effed up will accomplish. Otherwise you're doing no better than they, looking outward rather than in, to fix life issues.
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