Smelling the flowers

[Petunia]

I've kind of let this blog slide. In my last post I was feeling euphoric, but it quickly evaporated and my insecurities started picking away at me again. Hungry. Mean. Destructive.

I get so scared when Twitch starts growing closer to someone else. My heart aches and I feel shaky. I have an overwhelming urge to pull us back into the (false) security of monogamy. But we've changed and I don't think we could return if we wanted to. I remind myself of all the reasons why we started down this path and of the good it's brought into our relationship, and into our lives. Of how much fuller our love is now.

It took me a bit of introspection to sort things out. It really comes down to this: if I am feeling loved and cherished, then I am good with our polyamorous relationship model, but if I feel taken for granted, or like Twitch is not very interested in me, then I start feeling threatened.

I was missing the level of contact that we had built into our relationship this Fall; the texts, the phone conversations, the special little things that said, "Hey, I still see you." We had spent so much time together during the month of December and into the beginning of January that these little gestures had fallen by the wayside.

It seems we need to keep relearning these things. I'm hopeful that these practices will become ingrained over time and part of the fabric of our lives.
Another thought is that with time we'll have more experienced and we'll have a personal history of living life poly, rather than just putting blind faith on theory and hoping it'll all work.

I'm reading a book called Intimacy and Desire by Dr. David Schnarch. It's started me questioning if I've become a bit unbalanced through our relationship changes of the past two years, so that my sense of self is now a reflected sense of self. That I don't know myself well enough anymore to feel secure in who I am, so I am looking for my partner to provide that. If that's the case, then I need to do some internal work to learn how to build autonomy while being still in tune with my husband.

[Petunia]

I spent MLK weekend in D.C. I don't think I ever gave the D.C. guy a name and since I'm writing him out of the picture, I don't think I'll refer to anything other than D.C.

I shouldn't have gone. We had let things slip between us and I don't think either of us was really feeling it, but tickets were bought so I went. I tried to share with Twitch why I didn't want to go, but he shushed all my protests and tried to get me into high spirits and the right frame of mind. He really is my champion.

D.C. was a puzzle all weekend. We had plenty of conversation, but he wasn't acting intimate at all. He didn't walk close to me when we were out and we barely were "intimate" over the long weekend.

Another huge disappointment was that D.C. guy doesn't like crowds, so we did not go to the Mall for the Inauguration.

I returned home a bit the worse for wear and terribly happy to see my husband again, even if it was only between the hours of 10 PM and 7 AM.

[Petunia]

As disappointing as D.C. was, there are some really great positives in my life. A FWB contacted me yesterday saying he's ready to resume things if I am still interested and Thad and I had a date last night.

My FWB is a talented blues musician. He and I have great chemistry; we're both so comfortable with each other. We never had to get past an awkward stage, we just hit the ground running. (I'm going to have to look back to see if I mentioned him and named him in earlier posts.)

The other person I have that with is Thad. He stayed over at my house for the first time last night. First time for him at my house, and it was also the first time a lover has stayed over at my house. I'm seriously sleep deprived today. Thad puts a whole new spin on cuddly. It's more of a crush hold. A delicious entanglement of limbs with an arm locking you in and holding you against him.

WP has been kind of radio silent the past couple of weeks. His work is keeping him busy, but I have suspicions that he's using his free time pursuing new conquests rather than taking the time to say hi. I'll see he's active on Gmail and then I'll see he's on OKC. If that relationship fades I'm okay with it. I've said all along that all of these new relationships would find their own level.

Right now both Thad and the yet-to-be-named blue musician have said they'd like to see me regularly and that's more than enough to keep me from having too much time on my hands and feeling loved.

[Petunia]

This morning I told D.C. that I was letting our relationship fade intentionally and I gave him my reasons. He said that he understands with at least two of the three reasons I laid out. We've agreed that we don't want to totally drop from each others lives, so we'll continue to keep each apprised of what's happening in our lives. Neither of us is the type to shrug off friendships like they don't matter. I feel much better now that I addressed the situation.

[Petunia]

Thad. We're falling in love. It's all so sudden, but it's incredible and amazing. It's hard to not fall in love with someone who has no walls and is so pure in heart and intention.

Thad's plans for the weekend changed on Friday. He had planned on taking his son way up north to visit friends and family, but his son got sick, so their plans got changed. Twitch and I had tickets to see at a dance troupe perform that night. Thad wanted to know if he could join us afterwards for a threesome. So, I asked Twitch (who had never met Thad) and he said yes. Twitch may be the best man on the planet - just saying.

How to facilitate these two meeting? Twitch thought that it might get too late if we took the time to go to the cocktail bar afterwards like we had originally planned pre-threesome idea. But to just show up at our house, um, that could be awkward.

On our way in I asked an usher how long the performance was expected to last and I texted Thad the time it was expected to be done and that we'd meet him at the Opus.

Just before the end of the performance I got a text from Thad saying he was waiting in the lobby. Twitch and I found him and I did the introductions. Handshakes between the men. And then we were out the door with Thad heading to his SUV in one direction and Twitch and me in another. As we were crossing the street Twitch suggested I ride with Thad, so I quickly called him and ran to catch up to him.

It was snowing and the roads weren't in great shape, but Thad's SUV is heavier and handles a lot better than mine, so we beat Twitch to the house by at least 5 minutes.

Things transitioned nicely and it wasn't nearly as awkward as Twitch had feared. The sex was fun, although it wasn't similar to what Twitch and I have together (D/s), nor was it like what Thad and I share (sensual), but it was still fun and extensive. Around 1:30 AM Twitch declared that he'd had enough and was going to sleep on the couch which left Thad and I with some alone time.

The next morning Twitch and I were up at 6:30 AM. I had a puppy to ship that morning, so I had to get things together and get to the airport. When we returned Twitch dropped me off at the house and then ran some errands.

Nothing like walking into your bedroom to a delicious man in your bed. A big, sexy smile, with a mop of hair in his eyes..wow. We resurfaced a couple of hours later. Twitch had busied himself in the kitchen preparing for the Super Bowl party we were hosting the next evening. We could hear him rattling dishes and such, and I'm sure he could hear us. I'm amazed with my husband over how giving he can be and how great he has been about letting me have time with Thad.

I'm a very lucky girl.

Twitch flew to D.C. for the workweek this morning. Thad is coming over tonight. It's Monday - our day of the week.

My niece is in town for a couple of hours before she flies home to San Diego. I'm meeting her after work for dinner and then dropping her at the airport at 6:00 PM before heading for home. In a perfect world I'd be able to bring Thad along with me to dinner, but we're not there yet.

[Petunia]

I don't know how many times I've read about one of the benefits of polyamory and open relationships is that needs that are unmet in one relationship can be met in another. It's used as a validation for why people may need/desire to have multiple relationships.

As many times as I have read that, my internal dialog went something along the lines of, "Yeah, I can see where some people may feel that way, but it doesn't really fit my situation. I'm doing this for other reasons, mainly because I like people and I don't want to be lonely," or whatever was the most top-billed reason of the day for me at that moment.

I realized a couple of days ago that my need for sensuality was being met by my relationship with Thad. It seems so obvious now, but I really didn't see it this way before. I expected Twitch to play two different roles depending on my mood. If the moon aligned just right with the stars, then I would be perfectly happy with our D/s role and his sadistic tendencies, but if conditions weren't right then I wanted him to be more loving and gentle with me. This lead to a number of upsets between us when we'd get our wires crossed and he'd be his naturally dominate self when I wanted tenderness and sensuality. It had gotten to the point where he was cautious to even venture into the land of kink with me. And as ironic as it is, I was missing our kinky play. Things were getting complicated and spinning into areas where we'd never had issues before.

I think it may have been our threesome that really shined a light on the differences between my two lovers' styles. I appreciate what each of them bring to the table, er, bedroom. I like being Twitch's submissive toy, being pushed to my limits and rewarded for it. At the same time I also like being sensual and feeling the connection between Thad and me; being playful and daring, helping him explore new things and being part of that discovery.

Allowing them to take on a role that comes naturally, or rather, not trying to pressure Twitch into something that's not his natural inclination at this point in his life, seems so obvious now.

I feel relieved knowing that I can totally embrace Twitch's dominate, sadistic nature now that I have balance. They are my yin-yang that truly complement each other, and form a whole greater than either part separately.

[Petunia]

I shared this with a good friend and she suggested that I write it down, so that when I'm feeling less than okay about my body I can revisit this.

Thad is always touching my stomach and not just in light and unintentional ways. He grabs handfuls of belly fat. Ugh. I know he’s trying to get me past my hate for my stomach and the stretch marks that cover it. Usually this causes feelings of un-comfortableness that I try to push down and I basically just tolerate it. I understand his intentions, but it just doesn't have the desired effect he's after.

After a particularly vigorous touching, I told him that if I had my way I’d have a tummy tuck tomorrow.

Later that night as we were getting ready for bed, Thad stopped on his way to brush his teeth to say, “If I had a vote about the tummy tuck, I’d vote no. I love your tummy. It’s sexy. And I love you.”

I stared at him in a state of shock, because I could hear the sincerity in his voice, and asked him if he was for real.

“Yes.”

The next morning, I revisited the subject and asked him if that’s really how he felt. Again, yes. He thinks I’m sexy - tummy and all.

I'm feeling something deep inside shifting. Something I thought was so set that nothing would budge it. But that self-hate is dissolving and acceptance is starting to grow.