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Old 01-29-2016, 05:03 PM
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Default The story of Spork.

Life as it stands right now--

Cast of characters:
Me, Spork, 37 year old bi, poly, masochistic, extroverted snarky miniature lady person.
Ex: Old Wolf, 48 year old straight, mono, grouchy pessemistic veteran.
Son1: Ninja, nearly 17, will likely stay with Dad.
Son2: Q, 14, will likely stay with Mom.

My relationships outside of that home:
Analyst: Male 40-ish, lives alone, "boyfriend" person, lover of Fire, and me, friend/meta to Hefe.
Hefe: Male 40-ish, married/lives with Fire, lover also of me, friend/meta to Analyst.
Fire: Female 40-ish, married/lives with Hefe, lover also of me and of Analyst.
^ Poly Quad ^
(My sons have met the above, as they've been in my life a while, but not my Sadist as of yet. Ex has met none of them.)

Zen Sadist: Male, mid-50s, lives alone, my own addition, he and I have our own loosely defined relationship, still lots of NRE there for both of us, he is friendly with the others but not super close.

Everyone (even my ex) knows about everyone, as I do my best to keep things aboveboard and honest. I am the only one who has kids among the above people.

Present situation:
- Informally in agreement with Ex-Husband to not be married anymore as of April 2015, but have not taken legal action to sever marriage due to financial entanglements. Trying to work out all of the consequences before we Do The Thing with the money and the forms and the court. We were together 18 years.

- I still live in the family house but as a roommate, in a room downstairs. We are not as hostile as exes could be, but sometimes it's still challenging. I only do things with my loves elsewhere, do not try to have them visit me.

- I plan to get my own place in the next couple of months and take Q with me. He doesn't get along well with his Dad, and is unhappy in his school and wants to move. Ninja however gets on alright with Dad, and has plans for graduation, college, etc and one more year of school after this one, needs/wants the stability. We plan to have frequent visits back & forth.

- Old Wolf started trying to date even before I really did, but was frustrated to desperation by the OLD scene, and not interested in the kink community (which I fit into very well.) Finally a friend matchmakered him with a woman in TN, and poor life choices have ensued. More on that later.

- I have been gradually getting into the Colorado Springs BDSM/kink scene since June of last year. A few months of reading, learning, going to social activities ("munches", bars, and discussion groups) followed by months since of actually playing at parties and forming a relationship with Zen, which is more S/m than D/s. It's been great for me though. Brings me a lot of therapy and peace. My community, my Sadist, and my poly family, are my support network. After many years of oppression (part of which I did to myself) and unhealthy, toxic relationship behaviors in my marriage, I feel like this has been the sanest thing I've ever done.

I feel very fortunate that Colorado is a no-fault divorce state and they don't really care if either party in a marriage committed "infidelity"...while it is possible that if our divorce went hostile, which I sincerely hope it never does, my ex might attempt to frame my relationship habits as immoral or harmful to our kids, I feel confident in my ability to discuss the situation rationally with all but the most rabidly conservative of court officials. But I don't think it will come to that; we both recognize the benefits of cooperation in contrast with hostility.

I am very "out." Among adults, I am out about my relationship structures as well as my BDSM interests, unless someone expresses a discomfort. My parents and siblings know. Many of my coworkers know. Our "vanilla" family friends know. I don't get any judgment from any of them. Only my ex is sometimes shame-ey about it, and that's mostly due to bitterness and jealousy that surfaces sometimes. When it comes to my sons, I tell them about the relationships that I am in...which, even including Zen, are based on MUCH more than sex...but not the details of my BDSM or sexual stuff, not only because I feel a need to shelter them from it but because they just don't want to know. If they have questions one day, I'll have answers for them.

That's more or less where it's at now....I'll talk more about background, the ex, mistakes made, lessons learned, and why my present partners are so awesome, at another time...
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Old 01-29-2016, 11:16 PM
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Backstory
"Day of the Night of the Dawn of the Spork"

I pretty much grew up in Northern Virginia. I was a socially awkward little girl, raised mostly by very old people for the early part of my life. Which is why, I think, to this day I associate older people with love and comfort, happiness and nurture. My Great-Grandma taught me to read, and fed me candy and we tended her sunflowers. She died when I was 5, but I have her glasses and when I hold them I can see and hear and smell her.

I consider my childhood to have pretty much ended in the span of age 9-13. At nine my parents were on the brink of divorce and my little brother was born, and my Mom was depressed and sleeping a lot and I took care of both of them as well as myself, when I wasn't running around the woods by myself. At about 11, my parents did divorce and within a couple of years after that, I had another little brother with a different father. I took care of him a lot, too.

I moved in with my Mom when I was 13/14ish. She was that "best friend" sort...and I had a much stronger personality than she did, and usually did what I wanted and there wasn't much she knew how to do, to stop me. The only thing I generally accepted was not to leave home much because she was afraid I'd disappear. So I lived in a walkout basement, with a queen size four post bed (great for tying up boys) and a fireplace. I was a teenage goth/fledgling Domme of sorts in the mid-90's, when vampires were cool and late night cable TV had great cartoons that weren't for kids. I smoked pot and dropped acid and had lots and lots of sex. I was a pretty feral teenager.

You know it's funny, in reality that was only a few years' time. It seems, looking back, like it was a whole lifetime lived in those few years.

Well, I was skipping school, and things weren't looking so good so my Great Aunt took me in. She was a widow with no kids who lived in Cincinnati. I lived with her the summer before my senior year of high school, and during said year of school, and she taught me a lot about having some class in my behavior. Enjoying classy things. We volunteered at the Nature Center, toured galleries and museums, and went to Symphony. She got me a ticket to Phantom of the Opera for my 18th birthday, and sent me to see it alone dressed up nice. I felt like such an adult. We bonded and were very very close. In fact, after she died a few years ago, I got a portrait of her tattooed on my leg. It's beautiful. It was a picture from when she was very young and looked like a vintage Hollywood movie star.

While in Cincinnati, I met Old Wolf. I'd been feeling that my life was somewhat directionless. I was working retail, living in a little apartment, having graduated and trying to be a grownup. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. He was 29 to my 18 and about to end his second marriage. I started seeing him, and before long he moved in. I had no concept of what I was getting into. I was used to uncommitted, semi-casual, sort of relationships, with guys who inevitably drifted off eventually. Why should this one be different? Well, he latched onto me like some kind of blood sucking eel...only one that sucks emotional energy and constant validation. An attention eel. He was a hardcore monogamous dude who only knew one way to relationship. With every intention of "until death do us part." If I'd really understood his game I would have RUN. He even roughed up my male friends behind my back, and only told me many years later.

Well, I was young and I was dumb, and I made two babies with the guy and eventually married him. I tried to play the hand I was dealt with as much grace as I could. I am a calm, optimistic, and endlessly patient person. I talked him down, coached him in how to interact with other people, interpreted between him and others. I managed him. I took over the finances because he didn't want to know anything about them. Even when I was in labor with our sons, it was all about him because the first time he'd had a really hard day at work, and the second, he'd recently had surgery and was dealing with his recovery. I really can't remember a time in our marriage where I felt supported...I was always the strong one.

We moved, first to Iowa where his family lived, and then he joined the Army and we went to Washington state (beautiful country!) and then Colorado Springs where we still reside.

Now while we lived in Ohio, as I was wrapping up high school, I got into a band called GWAR. I saw them a few times. That was about 96-99. Years later...2005 or so...I started seeing them again. At first Old Wolf and I went together. But I tend to get intensely interested in things and I'm very social and extroverted. Once he realized that if he went, I would give other people attention and he would not be happy, he stopped going. He wanted me to stop going, too. I refused. If anything, my concerts became my outlet, my recharge, my way to escape. I made friends in the fan community online. I traveled for shows. I met the band, then became good friends with the band. I have now seen them live 35 times in 12 states.

Then the singer, Brockie, who had been a dear friend, died of a heroin overdose in March of 2014. Old Wolf had gone on a job out of state with his friend, and was heading back about a week or so after the death. This loss had hit me so hard that I was in physical pain every day for months, like I'd been punched in the stomach. And my husband says to me on the phone, "I'm really looking forward to being home. I want to celebrate, and I hope you're not still all bent about Dave dying. I need you to be happy."

That was the first huge fracture in the harmonious illusion I'd been working to maintain.

He'd been out of the military since late 2013, that job, a few weeks long, was the only one he's had since. Again and again, he refused to leave the house...to work, to volunteer, to do ANYTHING but sit around smoking pot and going slowly crazy from lack of purpose. He started having "bad days." Anything might set him off, but usually it was our younger son Q. A pair of shorts left on a floor sent him out of control once, yelling, "I'm just a domestic house bitch and no one respects me!" and threatening to burn down the house. He would get his guns out and load them and carry them around to make himself feel more in control. He started texting and calling me at work, threatening suicide, and I'd have to leave work to go home and talk him down.

We had a few incidents like that over the course of a couple of years. I got us into counseling (he wouldn't go by himself.) I wanted to help him. I saw him as a mentally ill family member, and to a certain extent I still do. Of course he didn't stick with it.

On April 14th, 2015 our marriage was over. It was dramatic, but everyone survived.

He has improved a great deal in terms of not handling the guns when he's emotionally upset, and he doesn't fly off the handle so much. I wouldn't say he's stable but at least I don't think he is dangerous. Not such a concern that I would pull my kids from school and go hide in a shelter or anything drastic. I still need and want to get out, and that has become more urgent in recent weeks for other reasons I'll go into in a later post.

We have major financial problems and entanglements that we are trying our best to resolve, prior to me actually moving out, prior to us actually doing the legal end of the divorce, but we're getting closer. On the bright side, my unflappable equilibrium allows us to actually talk and cooperate far more than most people would be able to under the same circumstances. So at least there is that.

Oh yeah, I work, too. I'm a college educated accounting type person. It's boring so I don't talk about it much, but the pay isn't terrible.

And the poly and BDSM stuff...it started I think as a means to get out of the house and away from my ex. He actually went to our local BDSM club before I did, but he went on Swinger Night which isn't really my thing. He was dating and exploring too. Just not really doing very well at it, unfortunately. He is finally realizing that he needs to focus on his own life. So that's good.

I did everything I could for half of my life to make our lives drama free, run smoothly, no fights, no fuss, harmony at home. I worked HARD at that. I hate how things have come to be. I don't talk about him, or the home situation very much with anyone anymore, when I can avoid it. I actually dislike myself when I talk about it, like I'm being a bummer with my drama. It's hard to say that you're a victim when you haven't done literally anything it takes to get away, and it's hard to say you're not a contributor or maker of the trainwreck when you're the one talking about it. So I keep quiet. And I manage things...

I have been in poverty before. I have been homeless before. I have a feeling that those who tell me I should RUN from this man don't really know what they are advising me to run into. I've seen how many years it takes to climb up out of the hole of financial ruin. So I'm avoiding that as best I can, until/unless we reach a point where it cannot be avoided at all.

And that's how I got from bumblebees and sunflowers to floggers and therapy. Yay, life!
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Old 02-03-2016, 03:48 AM
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The Plot Thickens

Late last year, Old Wolf had a friend matchmaker him up with a woman in Tennessee. She was unhappy in her marriage and had tried to leave twice, but had nowhere to go. Old Wolf had been desperate and lonely and wanted someone to love him. So he talked her into coming here.

The weekend after my birthday, our household grew by one very damaged woman who had been deceived about what she was walking into, her 17 year old dropout, pothead son, her 6 year old child of assault, her FOUR dogs and a pregnant cat.

Because clearly, our financial straits were simply not dire enough. He claims to have no knowledge of "how bad it is" with money, though I tried to explain it to him many times. He says I make it sound too complicated and he can't understand it. But I've known him to do very complex clerical work and I know he's not unintelligent. It's laziness. And fear. He doesn't want to feel that he is failing his family, nor to accept blame for our problems, so he refuses to hear about them. At this point, their "relationship" has already failed (about 2 weeks in) and she is closer to me than to him. Within the first 2 days he had showed her some of his unstable behavior. She feels betrayed by his selfishness. But she did come here without even checking out the situation in person first... Really I feel that they both made some pretty unfortunate life choices, to say the least. She has no family, and her husband isn't likely to take her back...she's trying to get assistance and work so she can get her own place.

I told them all within days of her arrival (before and after) that I cannot carry all of these people with my pay and Old Wolf's disability money. They have until the end of February to get jobs. If they fail to do so, I'm out. I hate that my name is on the mortgage and it might fail...but I can't let my kids and myself go down with this ship.

If they get jobs, I'll give them until April 1 and then I'm still leaving.

I feel very sorry for this woman and her kids.

She cannot believe I've lasted this long with Old Wolf without doing him physical harm...but that just isn't my way.
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Old 02-03-2016, 03:54 AM
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Snowpocalypse

So for those who don't have a recreational Weather Channel habit, it's been snowing here. Quite a lot. Where I live, 15"...where I work, 19". I have not been able to safely leave the house yesterday or today, and I was at home on Sunday as well.

So I've been stuck in here with all of these people. And two of them just informed me that they (habitual smokers) are out of pot and cigarettes, so I can expect them to be "grouchy." I'm going to try and get to work tomorrow. Hopefully no one does anyone else any serious harm while I'm not here to mediate...
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:53 PM
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Fortunately I was able to go to work today. The roads are much better. This means I did not have to miss my Wednesday lunch date with my Sadist, which I needed. He makes my heart hum. I need to go home and work on a painting for him. At this point, it's going to be a birthday gift instead of an overdue Christmas one.

I had to intervene before my ex got taken by a Craigslist scammer today. I'm glad he copied me on one of the emails. It reeked of scamminess. He is so freaking gullible, I'm scared what's going to happen once I leave. At least I ~think~ I've got him past putting his credit card number into porn and dating sites for "free trials"... /facepalm
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:20 PM
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Pregnant cat is having her babies today. Old Wolf's girlfriend decided, since she seems restless, that the best course is to just leave and let her alone in the empty house to do her thing in her own way, and hope it works out for the best. Control freak that I am, I am highly tempted to leave work and go home and fuss over little mama cat.

*sigh*

Old Wolf did get a job, he started yesterday at a call center, so that's good.

However, in a setback yesterday, I had major problems with my brakes and had to get some very expensive work done.

Still...I'm going to sell some of my collectibles and still hope to move out around 4/1. Life in that house is chaos, and I want OUT.
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Zen Sadist mid 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Partner

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad for approximately a year, until about July 2016. I still consider them much-loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 17, Son
Q- 15, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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Old 02-10-2016, 06:50 AM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
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Quote:
I have been gradually getting into the Colorado Springs BDSM/kink scene since June of last year. A few months of reading, learning, going to social activities ("munches", bars, and discussion groups) followed by months since of actually playing at parties and forming a relationship with Zen, which is more S/m than D/s. It's been great for me though. Brings me a lot of therapy and peace. My community, my Sadist, and my poly family, are my support network. After many years of oppression (part of which I did to myself) and unhealthy, toxic relationship behaviors in my marriage, I feel like this has been the sanest thing I've ever done.
This is exactly how I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I too am going through a divorce, so I do feel some of your pain.

I cannot believe how therapeutic "the scene" has proven. Coupled with my therapy sessions, it just fulfills me. The people I've met are proving to be so kind and caring. I have only been to three munches, but already I feel like I have some kind of support network though only 1 of them really knows how deep my situation runs.

Please keep writing. You sound like a brave committed person. I only hope you are as committed to taking care of yourself as you are others. I only say that, because I'm learning that I have to do that or my ship will be sunk for a very long time. I'm no good at it, but am learning myself....lol
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Old 02-10-2016, 03:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polysnow View Post
This is exactly how I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I too am going through a divorce, so I do feel some of your pain.

I cannot believe how therapeutic "the scene" has proven. Coupled with my therapy sessions, it just fulfills me. The people I've met are proving to be so kind and caring. I have only been to three munches, but already I feel like I have some kind of support network though only 1 of them really knows how deep my situation runs.

Please keep writing. You sound like a brave committed person. I only hope you are as committed to taking care of yourself as you are others. I only say that, because I'm learning that I have to do that or my ship will be sunk for a very long time. I'm no good at it, but am learning myself....lol
Thank you. It isn't easy. But part of my present polyamorous configuration of relationships is just that...recognition and respect of my own needs, taking care of myself, and even *GASP!* letting others take care of me sometimes! I actually have to stop myself from a minor sense of near-panic occasionally that I'm not doing enough to take care of some of them...I keep weighing things in my head to make sure I'm not being horribly negligent of these relationships, and having to tell myself, "Relax. If they decide you're not doing it for them, they'll let you know. And if they aren't getting enough, they are free to seek more. It's ok. Just...relax."

Every time I spend time in the community or particularly with my poly quad, I feel like I've entered a magical kingdom where people are not dangerously crazy and don't make my stomach knot up, where there is just no stress and lots of love...seriously the contrast reminds me of reading a book where a character goes from the gritty world of humans who suffer and toil in the dirt and die horribly, to a dreamy elf-land under the hollow hill full of euphoria and laughter and happiness. It's that stark a contrast between being around my ex and being around the scene/poly people, as silly as it might sound.

And while I don't have time during the workdays/workweek to attend regular therapy, and can't really afford it right now anyways, I do go to discussion groups at the BDSM club that are very much group therapy for everyone there. I usually go to one for switches, one for subs, and now we have one all about poly and I'll be going to that, too.

..........
Update on kittens:

Mama cat is very tiny and she's having a hard time. I got home last night and she had been struggling to birth her first baby for 2 hours. It being kind of stuck, it died. I sat on the edge of the towel we'd put down for her (she does NOT want to be in a box or anything like that) and she curled right up against my lap. She is normally not an affectionate cat, but she was desperate for someone to just be with her, poor thing. Well, with me there giving her scratches on her ears and gently stroking down her belly, she finally was able to get the first, deceased, kitten out. We continued to feel movement in her belly, though, clearly there is at least one (I'm guessing two) more in there alive.

However, her labor started around 2 in the afternoon yesterday and it's 8:15am now the next day, and she has yet to have any more of the babies. We are still getting movement though.

Nothing about this is going in the way that the articles on the internet say it should, and a vet friend in another state that we called said she will probably die. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where no one has any money and no one can afford to take her to the vet...about the best we could do is take her to the Humane Society and surrender her so that she can get veterinary care, which I've encouraged her owner (the woman my ex moved into our house) to consider. They are from a very poor and rural area where in situations like this, the animal pulls through or it just dies.

But typically, mama cats don't need people around, most don't have any trouble giving birth, and nothing about this is very normal. She doesn't seem to be in pain, she's just tired. She spent most of last night just resting. She's up moving around, eating a bit, still wanting lots of attention this morning too. She doesn't seem like a cat in danger of dying. I had to go to work, but her owner is home with her today, and I stressed to the woman to not leave her alone if she can avoid it. Little mama wants her people near...be near for her. Hope it works out alright...
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Spork 37 F
Zen Sadist mid 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Partner

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad for approximately a year, until about July 2016. I still consider them much-loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 17, Son
Q- 15, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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Old 02-10-2016, 03:36 PM
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Ohhh I am so sorry for your cat housemate! Poor little thing. I was reading your blog just now, and read where your roommate just left her alone in labor. I did that once, and almost lost a kitten. When we got home, the mama had birthed 7 kittens, but the runt was lying off to one side, not moving and still unwashed in his sac. We dried him and rubbed him and put him to nurse, and luckily he was able to, and revived and eventually thrived.

Things don't sound good for your mama cat. sigh...
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Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (33, poly)
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 02-10-2016, 03:58 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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As for the rest of your new blog, so many congratulations on finally learning to take care of yourself, and learn to let others care for you. Your Dom/Sadist sounds great. I find it so funny when explaining BDSM to vanillas, how they don't get the therapeutic aspects of BDSM. They get all bent about the "dangers," and how one's Dom isn't a trained therapist, yada yada. As if mere talk therapy has to be safer and better than hands-on physical/emotional experience with a trusted experienced Top or Dom.

I once had an inept social worker therapist. I told her (when I was married) how I would get crushes on other men or women, and she flat out told me, "Married people don't do that!" Um, what? Really, what? I immediately fired her.

I sent lots of healing vibes and support your way to get away from OW and off on your own for the next and healthier phase of your life.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (33, poly)
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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