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  #1  
Old 10-27-2014, 08:32 PM
zsofia zsofia is offline
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Default Life all of a sudden seems so right...

Greetings as I am completely new here and thrilled there is a forum of like minded people!

One of my biggest issues with my lifestyle is the fact I really have nobody outside of my relationships themselves to talk to. I do have friends who know about how we live, but they seem skeptical and even disapproving. Believing I am endangering my marriage an am treading dangerous waters. So I feel bottled up. Like I want to tell everyone how wonderfully happy I am and I can't because others will judge me...

My husband and I have been together 10 years this past July. We have always been open. But rarely took the opportunity. And any encounter was strictly sex and never went beyond that. However, this past winter, he came back from a week long trip having met a girl that he was obviously developing feelings for. They talked and texted regularly. I fought jealousy, confusion, concern that things between us would change. And change they did. He was more loving with me. Attentive and communicative. He was renewed and happy. In love with two women and on top of the world. We talked about this new possibility and came to the understanding that even if we loved other people, we would never stop loving each other. So began our journey.

The summer has been a roller coaster. We have been in and out of smaller relationships that fizzled out. His first real relationship faded. It was very civil and we all still speak fondly of each other and to each other. Currently he has one woman that he is totally head over heels for. And she for him. And she has become like a sister to me. I found a wonderful relationship of my own that is so full of love and light. And yet another with a man who had been a family friend for years and had unrequited feelings for me. That was unexpected. But returned. I was tentative about that relationship because of our friendship. But it felt right and so far it has been healing for both of us.

See, I have a horrible self image due to a previous relationship several years ago. Abuse of all types. Sexual, Physical, Emotional. But right now it feels like I can't help but love myself. I am surrounded by so much love. My husband also had so many difficulties sharing his feelings. And now he is no longer hidden.

I guess my biggest concerns that I want help with in this forum is how to balance all this. How not to burn myself out as I have three hearts to juggle. As well as my own.

What are some things I need to be careful of? What problems might arise where I need to immediately open up communication lines?

How do you handle this in the public eye?

Thank you and I'm looking forward to sharing and reading others stories.
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  #2  
Old 10-28-2014, 01:40 PM
zsofia zsofia is offline
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Then I have mornings like today. When everything seems so amazingly perfect. Everyone is happy and full of love. I have a bad habit of waiting for the shoe to drop. But somehow that fear is distant today.

More about me, and my relationships? I am married to J who will always be my primary relationship. We are actually not being intimate with each other at the moment. Which was troubling at first. But we had a night of comfortable conversation about how we feel like home to each other. That we are each others comfort. Loving each other and enjoying watching the happiness we are both facing. Honestly, I am putting so much energy, sexually and emotionally, into these other two relationships it would feel strained. Instead it is very nice to just be comfortable with each other in that security of our years.

We have one child together who also binds us. And we have found a surprising new joy in seeing how our other partners work with him and support him. We are becoming a huge family. Everyone taking care of each other.

J is in a serious loving relationship with L. And she and I are like sisters. She regularly watches our son so we can have alone time together. She also contributes to the household by bringing in food, cleaning, cooking with me, etc. I love watching my husband with her. He gives us both hugs in a huge embrace and tells us how lucky he feels.

I met S on OKC just by happenstance. I had been looking at him and debating my choices. But was intimidated by his very handsome appearance. But I took the plunge and wrote him. Our first date was so unusual. We felt like we had known each other for years. And most likely, in previous lives, we had. There is a comfort there. And we fit so well. He is a beacon of light and love and I cherish sharing his energy. I see him once or twice a week. And look forward to exploring life with him more.

J has one issue with my outside relationships. He worries that most men are not good enough for me. But he lets me make my choices. Whether he likes them or not. But I think there is potential for J & S to be friends, if only in a limited capacity.

In the last two weeks I have started an intimate relationship with A. He has been a family friend for two years. And I have crushed on him since I met him. J and he are best friends. And in our recent conversations he has admitted he had strong feelings for me but did not want to endanger his friendship. Despite J telling him that it was ok multiple times. But one evening the energy was right and he said he couldn't resist anymore. And he asked me out on a date. To which J said 'It's about damn time!".

All three hearts in my life are equally important to me. Each one has their differences and I love each and every one of them. I think I am extremely fortunate because I have heard horror stories. If things keep up, and we all fall into ease and comfort in each other as most relationships do, I think that things can only get better. And I am so excited to take this path in my life. Full on and surrounded by love and positive energy.

The universe unfolding as it should.
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  #3  
Old 11-05-2014, 10:23 PM
zsofia zsofia is offline
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Despite how everything in my family seems to be fitting and unfolding slowly and properly, I still struggle with balance. Each relationship has a uniqueness with different circumstances for each person involved. I am a nurturing being. If I love and care for you, I work hard to nurture you body and soul and let you know I think of you often and value you. Sometimes that makes me feel stretched thin. Other times, it brings on a feeling of elation that is hard to describe.

An example: My relationship with A is strong. Emotionally, sexually, as friends and lovers. My concern is that he has only known monogamy. That this is all new to him and he will get caught up with me alone and not seek other relationships. Or even shortchange himself if he finds someone else and neglect a strong future with another woman because of his feelings for me. I suppose that is the dilemma of a polyamorous person dating a monogamous person. Feelings get in the way. Jealousy.

However, he has shown none of these as of yet. Though the relationship is new. And still in the discovery stage. I struggle to make sure he understands, on some nights I will be with someone else. Intimately. Kissing, cuddling, making love. Sharing the same experiences with another being with similarly strong emotions. He really seems to get this and shows no jealousy. And that is where my flaw of waiting for everything to go wrong comes in. I worry so much that this understanding will change. That he will think of me nights he is alone and wonder what I am doing at that very moment with another man. And that he won't feel comfortable enough to talk to me about these feelings. Keeping them bottled up and causing big problems down the road.

My other relationship with S is cozy. Easy going. And only a month into it I feel this ease. I have no concerns about jealousy or envy. He has other relationships with others and this is a comfort. As strange as that sounds. I really can find no big flaws in this bond. Other than having a hard time believing something can feel so right. That flaw of mine again.

My relationship with S showed me in so many ways what I really was looking for. A bond. Good feelings. Love. Occasional bliss and joy. And reminders that I mean something to someone. Every day I get a text. A message. A reminder that I am in someones thoughts. "Have a good day." and "I hope you slept well." seem like such small things, but they mean so much. A relationship I was in previously was lacking in this. And that is why it felt so strained and empty. When we were in each others presence, it was electric. Full of joy and light. But once we parted, all attempts from myself to keep in touch were ignored. Texts unanswered. Messages with no response. I felt used and unneeded.

And truthfully, it was because this person was running from that sort of responsibility in a relationship. But as he told me recently when we talked, it really can't be considered a relationship at that point. And that is the difference between a hook up and a loving bond. And now I see that in stark clarity.

So I just sent messages to all three of my hearts. "I love you" to my husband. "I have dinner on the stove if you want to come eat" to A and "I hope you had a wonderful day!" to S. Because little things go a long way. And I get those little messages returned "Thinking of you".....

And those mean so very much....
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  #4  
Old 11-07-2014, 03:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zsofia View Post
I guess my biggest concerns that I want help with in this forum is how to balance all this. How not to burn myself out as I have three hearts to juggle. As well as my own.

What are some things I need to be careful of? What problems might arise where I need to immediately open up communication lines?

How do you handle this in the public eye?

Thank you and I'm looking forward to sharing and reading others stories.
Hello and welcome, these posts are lovely!

As this is in the "Life stories and blogs" section you are less likely to get feedback, as these are more like journals and criticism is generally unwelcome. But since you asked -

"some things I need to be careful of" - I think the big one is to not neglect your older comfortable relationships in the flush of excitement over the "new and shiny" ones. It seems to me that you are already mindful of this. Cherish your existing love, make sure he is getting the time and attention that he needs.

"What problems might arise where I need to immediately open up communication lines?" - I'm not sure that I know exactly what you mean by this. I think that it is prudent that each person has a way to contact your other partners in case of emergency. For instance, say you got appendicitis and were taken for emergency surgery and, therefore, would be out of communication or miss a scheduled meeting.

The only other thing that I think would require immediate communication would be if something happened that could affect the others - for instance, if a condom broke or there were a potential STI exposure/pregnancy scare. Other than that, it would depend on your agreements with each partner about boundaries and what information they would or would not expect to be updated about.

"How do you handle this in the public eye?" - well, we don't. We are not "out" to the public eye just to our friends. In public, locally, or with family we are husband+wife plus close friend and the PDA's are minimized. At private parties, or when out of town - we act as we please. Our families and co-workers know Dude as a "roommate". Not ideal, but necessary given my profession.

"I guess my biggest concerns that I want help with in this forum is how to balance all this. How not to burn myself out as I have three hearts to juggle. As well as my own."

This is definitely a learning curve. For the first 6 months or so, I felt that I was walking on eggshells, checking and double-checking that everyone was OK. That everything was balanced and equal. Kiss Dude, Kiss MrS. Cuddle with Dude, Cuddle with MrS. Pay attention to Dude, Pay attention to MrS. If anyone was grumpy or irritable it must have been because I was "doing it wrong". STOP.

It's a learning curve for everyone involved. After a while, I relaxed and realized that everyone involved were adults and responsible for voicing their own need...I just needed to know that they had the opportunity to do so. Equal =/= Fair.

Here's a post where I expand on that:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...air#post220723

(Interesting, for me, side note - when I do an "advanced search" for "equal" and "fair" and search for posts my me I have posted about this 15 times...and still don't have the link to the boxes/fence cartoon that I know has been posted here...anyone got it?)
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 11-07-2014, 06:05 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Default

Do you mean this one?



(http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/...ball-fence.jpg, if the image doesn't work - haven't tried to post one here before and it's not working in the preview)
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae are detailed in my blog
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  #6  
Old 11-08-2014, 03:09 PM
mikeDsub mikeDsub is offline
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Welcome. In our case we just never advertised our Triad plus we moved around a lot so it was easy to just say she was a down on her luck very close friend who is staying with us a few years. In reality, very few people even asked us anything so we do not know what they thought. I have 3 obviously gay cousins and yet no one in the family says a word about it. That is how my family is.

Our Triad lasted a few decades and the biggest thing for us was communication and everyone knowing their place in the relationship. Our g/f knew that she was secondary in our relationship and always made sure that anything she and I did, was OK with my wife. She was very good in that regards. When she wanted more than being wife #2, she got married to someone who was OK with her relationship with us. That is how committed to us she was.

I made sure that both women felt loved, attractive and sexually desirable. We also had separate beds to eliminate the who is sleeping with who problem. I also made sure that if I made love to one woman, I also made love to the other unless one of them was not in the mood. I always offered though. This is what worked very successfully for us but I think the most important part was that we were all in it for each other and not to be able to have sex with other people, although that is what we did in the beginning until we found it to be too much drama in our lives. Wish you the best and I guess all relationships are different. As I said, we were rarely asked about our g/f and we did not advertise it either. We just lived our lives and never cared what other people thought. If they did not affect my income or freedom, I could care less what others thought and I am still that way.
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  #7  
Old 11-08-2014, 06:40 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,196
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
Do you mean this one?



(http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/...ball-fence.jpg, if the image doesn't work - haven't tried to post one here before and it's not working in the preview)

Not working...let's try this one:
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #8  
Old 11-08-2014, 10:56 PM
zsofia zsofia is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Thank you everyone for the responses

The 'public eye' thing is an issue for us because we live in a neighborhood with an extremely nosy and gossip fueled group of neighbors. And in a small township outside of a large city where literally everyone knows everyone. Despite starting out discreet, it has been observed how my husband has had a lady over often when I was not home and vice versa when we wanted private time. Lets just say that it has been noted and commented upon. My relationship with A is a little bit on the controversial side as he is a pretty well known trades-person in the area and we have been seen together. Rumors will spread.

We tried to be more closed about it but honestly, everyone seems to know that something 'funny' is going on and we are past the point of caring right now.

I wonder if anyone has dealt with this situation?
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