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Old 03-23-2015, 11:04 PM
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Bunnielight Bunnielight is offline
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Default Breaking into Polyamory: A Bunnie Story

Hi there from Bunnie.

Just in the short time I have been on here, I would like to say that I have felt very welcome. It's hard to find a community of poly supporters and this forum seems to be full of nothing but major support for alternative lifestyles such as this.

As stated in my introductory thread, my husband and I came to polyamory after quite a long term and progressive relationship. We've known each other for nearly a decade, been together 4 years and married for one. He is truly my best friend and I can go to him about pretty much anything.


However, while weve experienced some drama, I've found its done nothing but make us closer and stronger as a couple.
At the same time, there have been some insecurities that have come up which has taken some work and a great deal of communication to get through.

We've had a few prospective relationships come along, each of which have come with their own package of blockades and eventual deterioration of trust in some cases. This has caused some emotional distress to both of us because of previous trauma. But we've gotten through it. And we're stronger for it.

My husband's recent distress is over feelings of rejection. He fears not finding the connection he so desperately yearns for in order to fulfill the needs he has. He fears not being able to connect the way he's wanted to with the past 3 women he has had an interest in may reflect his overall ability to find his next mate.

While I've tried my best to make him feel loved and desired for all the right reasons, I know I can only do so much. His distress just really makes me want to love him more. He feels he may end up just "being a bystander" while I carry out relationships. And I truly don't believe that will happen. He's a pretty f***ing fantastic human being.

Meanwhile, over the past month or so I have been trying to come to terms with my own desires. One large one being coping with my bisexuality.
It's never been something I've allowed myself to come to terms with for various reasons, one of which being my one and only female love.
I fell in love with my best friend several years ago, and she died in a car accident two years ago last month. I was never able to fully disclose to her how I felt and our relationship ended on bad terms. This is a pain that has haunted me to the point of having trouble disclosing it to my husband.

I've learned not to beat myself up over our fight, she wouldn't want me to do that, but it's only because of my husband that I've even been able to admit my own sexuality: my lack of closure made me feel as though I could never find that again. I was also married and felt I had no reason to admit it to myself. It was after a bad mushroom trip and a breakdown just a few months ago (the only one my husband actually saw) that my husband sat me down and made me admit all that I was feeling. It's a major factor in why we decided to become poly. He knew us then. He saw the way she supported me and helped me become who I am. And he wants me to be able to move on from that.

Right now I've just been trying to enjoy my own solitude. Focus on bettering myself, reading, writing, learning, working, expressing. It's the only thing that can take my mind off of the pangs of loneliness some of this has given me. It's not like I really am alone. My husband is wonderful and highly supportive of each relationship that I have encountered, friendship or romantic. It's when he gets distressed that it causes those pangs. And I'm not sure what else I can really do about that.

(Been reading More Than Two; it's a great help)

Again, thank you all for your time, openness, and input. It is greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Bunnielight; 03-24-2015 at 05:42 AM.
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Old 03-24-2015, 05:41 AM
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**Edited because my kindle is terrible to type on.**
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:38 PM
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Spring has always been my favorite time of year. I get incredibly creative and actively inspired when I feel it coming. The beauty of being and expressing rushes like a fire and leads me to interesting creative places.

Especially after Zed and I decided to make these changes to our marriage. We've both discussed the general feeling of change among our general relationships with people. It has opened our communication and general social capability. For me, it has always been very difficult to open up to new people. I would quickly become guarded and critical. Looking for any excuse to shut people out before they shut me out. Being married gave me every excuse to do that.

But in the beginning, the connotation of being married also added to it. The fact that, I am owned and these people shouldn't WANT to get that close to me. It created a stronger wall.


Now Zed and I have consciously removed that ownership from each other and encourage the embracing of these relationships. The freedom to explore them openly is such a wonderful feeling that it has impacted every aspect of my life.

My goal for myself is to Love more. Release these walls around me and look people in the eye. Know that they have their own journey and listen.

As the beautiful mind, Eckhart Tolle says:
"Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain."


With that in mind, I have picked up several pastimes quite a bit more. I have definitely surpassed that depressive slump, I feel. Working out regularly, hiking, just got my bike ready to go out with a friend later this week.

I've also decided, now that I'm 6 weeks into getting back in killer shape, I'm going to order my first pair of poi. I've wanted to learn to spin for quite a while and the more I read about the history and philosophy of it, the more I feel a great passion for wanting to learn. It's just the matter of making that commitment to myself. I don't want this to just be another thing I never follow through with. This is really something I want to learn, so once I do it, I'm doing it.
I'm so doing it.

I told Zed I want to do it and his response was
"Of course you do."


ALSO have an accountability source for my reading as of late.

Very very happy about all of these sources of bonding and expressing. It's fueling my photo work nicely as I'm juggling 4 projects currently. All coming along pretty well.

If I could just find time to put into marketing.
Maybe I can squeeze it in before the end of this week.
AKA, Pre-poi arrival. Distractions.
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Old 05-06-2015, 06:26 AM
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REALLY QUICK GIRLY UPDATE:

New unexpected interest under way. Someone that Zed and I have known for several years and whom has proven themselves as a loyal friend without even trying.

I cannot lie, I have been attracted to this man since we met, but because of obvious clearly defined boundaries on our friendship before, the prospect never occurred to me until he drove a good distance out of his way to come to my birthday gathering a couple of weeks ago.

Zed is very happy about my interest and has encouraged me along in this. It seems to make him giggle to see my face light up when his name is mentioned lately. *blush*

This new fellow and I have been talking more and more, extending into those wonderful long deep conversations. I'm trying to take it easy and not be too excessive in the conversation, Those battles of expectations are hard ones to fight. But in the grand scheme of it all, I know he is a wonderful person and is not leading me on in any way. That's a bit of a relief at this point.

I knew he was a great person after observing him all these years, but these conversations have shown me how deeply his kindness goes. I'm so motivated with happiness and appreciation that I finished a whole shoot and cleaned my whole house today.

We are supposed to be hanging out Saturday afternoon when I'm in his area and I've never been so incredibly calm but nervous at the same time. I just want to hug him and talk for hours.

I'm just trying to breath and enjoy this. More often than not, my anxiety and self criticism wants to take over and ruin it for me.
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