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  #11  
Old 07-31-2012, 05:17 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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Thumbs up All good!

My wife leaves tomorrow and I am really feeling at peace right now. Last night we went up into the mountains and had a kind of reaffirmation ceremony. We lit a candle and read the wedding vows that we had written for each other on our wedding day. We each wrote a new section of our vows to express our commitment to each other in a poly environment. It was amazing how the two pieces flowed together, almost like we knew this was going to be our path when we wrote our original vows all those years ago. It was a natural and seemless transition.

We each took a single rose as a symbol of our individual dream of life. We then took a piece of yellow ribbon (home-coming symbolism) and tied the two roses together. The ribbon symbolizes the commitments that we made to each other, tying both our dreams of life together into our shared dream. We left the roses high on the mountain top and came home.

It was a very wonderful experience and it really meant a lot to me. Whenever I feel my self-confidence slipping, I am going to think of that ribbon, and our commitment to each other, that ties our dreams of life together. I will read the vows that my wonderful wife wrote for me and know that I am very secure in my relationship. Vanquishing demons with a single yellow ribbon. I know the demons will still try to find a way to come at me, but I'm not afraid, I'm filled up with my wife's love and know her rock solid commitment to me. My life is wonderful, and I am very thankful for it.
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Last edited by Skater21; 07-31-2012 at 08:23 PM.
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  #12  
Old 07-31-2012, 05:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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That's a lovely ritual shared there. Thank you for opening that up to my eyes. *compersionlove to you and yours*

When I first pledged my troth to DH? I was brushing my teeth in his nasty ass bachelor pad bathroom. Just him and me. I told him I was doomed and I told him I wish I had known it would happen then. I would have put on something else other than nasty old nighties and had the "shazam!" moment elsewhere. Ugh. Now I have to think about his horrible bathroom all my life. LOL.

When I was first handfasted to my DH before people? It was in the woods under 200 roses he and I stapled ourselves to a picnic bench kiosk. It was the secret marriage and only closest friends bore witness and signed our vows. Roses are sweet, and also have thorns. We were it in for the Life ride, ups and downs. Pokey and sweet.

We were city hall-ed later with family and other friends.

We were later ministered on the 10th yr anniv.

We pledge and renew our troth when so moved -- kinda kicking around the 20th yr anniv.

Perhaps this time in international waters by sea captain. hee hee.

You are doing great, letting your marriage grow and evolve and grow with you.

We played this song at every union/reunion of Us even if it was just us singing the last two lines at each other. I gift the lyrics to you if you have never heard Sting sing it.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sting...tmarriage.html

blessings,
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-01-2012 at 02:37 AM.
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  #13  
Old 07-31-2012, 08:33 PM
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Thanks GG,

That is a beautiful song, Thank you for all of your help and support. I got a lot of the ideas for the continuation of my vows from the rights and responsibilities statement on your profile. When my wife had writer's block I reffered her there as well, it was helpful for her too. I know there will be bumps in the road and thorns in amongst the roses, but my wife and I have never been happier, and I know that there is nothing that we cannot overcome, together.

Hugs all around!
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  #14  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:14 PM
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My husband went on trips with his GF a couple of times. For me, the weird part was never the time that he was actually away - I LOVE being alone, and I looked at these trips as opportunities to spend time in our house all by myself. I also did make sure I had plenty of nice things to do, met up with friends, hosted a dinner for some people my husband is not too fond of, stuff like that.
BUT. For me the moment he came home was always the most awkward and uncomfortable. I don't do well with those moments of shifting gear. And where does one begin to talk about the days that have passed? "how was it?"

So while I realize that this may be very specific to me as a person, my advice would be to really take time to 'get back together' after she gets home. Not let daily chores and responsibilities kick in immediately. Kind of like when you come home from a holiday, you need to ease back into your house and your life.. I always felt it took me some time to ease back into the connection with my husband. Also, ask all the questions you want, but be prepared that the answers may be uncomfortable. (Like when I asked him how many times they'd had sex. I kind of wished I'd never asked).
I guess that's what GG means by aftercare... I need a LOT of it, but what I need the most is for my husband to understand that I need time to readjust.
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  #15  
Old 08-02-2012, 01:45 PM
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Default Missing her

One day and one very long night down... still strong in my resolve, but I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. She is not here and it makes it very hard to sleep. I wasn't tormented by demons, I just miss her very much. I hope that she is having a good time, and that their time together is everything that they hoped it would be and more. I just miss holding her and feeling her close to me.

Ahhh... I was going to ask how long I should wait to contact her, but she just called me, which was nice. She is missing me too, says next time I need to come with her. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder, but at least I would be able to be with her. I can't wait for her to come home.
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2012, 07:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I guess that's what GG means by aftercare... I need a LOT of it, but what I need the most is for my husband to understand that I need time to readjust.
Bingo. That IS what I mean by aftercare.

People who kink know "aftercare" in BDSM context. But I think the skills transfer over.

It ought to be there in any encounter so people land the Thing well.

Think of how horrible casual hookups can feel if the aftercare is not enough for the Thing that THAT is. It might not need a LOT if both parties went there with the agreement of what the Thing was supposed to be -- a nice fun body fling. So maybe just a parting hug and a "Thanks for sharing you with me" and that's it. With a follow up call to restate that the next day and then part ways both satisfied in the encounter.

But that's a situation that can blow up if both parties were not clear in negotiating a body fun fling. And not everyone is sensitive to that need for baby size aftercare after a casual hookup. It may not have been a HUGE sharing, but a sharing of a kind happened. So seriously -- can't even make one extra phone call?!

It's much clearer in BDSM that some aftercare is a must -- bottoms hitting subspace enter altered states. So they need body checked for broken skin or injury. Psychological damages? Heart dings? What? Coming off the drop -- phone calls over the next few days. An intense scene is intense. But people playing there in that arena of kinkytown know it -- it's so OBVIOUS that there must be good aftercare.

But I think there is aftercare in polyworld too. To me poly is edge play of the heart. We are sharing a huge thing -- our Sweetie! And our Selves!

So... hearts need checking out and gentle handling too. By the Sweetie and the Meta would be nice. There we go again into not as obvious, but still needed aftercare of THIS kind, for THIS thing.

For me? I need to hear at least a "thanks for sharing well" from the Metamour. Doesn't need to be more than that, I don't need to be best friends. I do need to be on good terms for calendar/schedule talks. I do need to have acknowledgement that I'm playing fair here. I need to know they play fair too and respect my need to be shown cordial behaviour and respect my own rship with the shared Sweetie.

I also need to hear same from Sweetie, and I need time to reconnect and rebond with Sweetie across all my buckets -- the buckets of the heart, soul, mind, body. I need this to happen gently, slowly, over a few days. And not feel like that reconnection is some chore thing like washing the dishes being given a lick and a promise.

If I have opened myself to be in a Vulnerable altered state to allow Sweetie a direct joy, I need that appreciated, validated, and reaffirmed at the right volume. When they return. Pay me back, dammit. So I can have my Compersion Alternative Joy of Love Shared.

Do not deny me this opportunity! I don't need to know TMI details of your encounter with your other sweetie. But I need to know it WAS a joy for you, and I want to share in some of that. So let me bask in your Love light a bit.

So yah. Poly aftercare! Isn't the point of chasing the PolyDragon? Love shared?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-02-2012 at 07:15 PM.
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  #17  
Old 08-02-2012, 07:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Ahhh... I was going to ask how long I should wait to contact her, but she just called me, which was nice. She is missing me too, says next time I need to come with her. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder, but at least I would be able to be with her. I can't wait for her to come home.
Aw. That's tender and sweet.

She's looking out for you too and doing her poly aftercare to YOU as soon as possible.

I'm so happy for you both on this journey! You guys sound like you are playing it like honorable Jedi.

The edge play of the Heart.

Shine on!

Namaste
GG
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  #18  
Old 08-03-2012, 08:57 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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This is quite frankly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am not sleeping well, I can't stop thinking about her. I'm afraid to text her or reach out to her, because I want to respect her space and their time together. I sit next to my phone hoping it will beep and I can get word from her and have a chance to tell her I love her. The minutes seem like hours. I thought this would be about facing my fears and insecurities, but that hasn't really been a problem, I just miss her so much my heart aches. Don't get me wrong, I would do it all again for her, it is just a lot harder than I thought it would be. She'll be home in about 31 hours and I am so thankful for that.

Thank you all for your support, if I hadn't found this forum, I don't think I would have grown enough to handle all this. The love and support I have gotten from people here, as well as from her good friend who had drinks with me last night, has been amazing. There are good people in this world and I am very lucky to have the support that I have.

Gratefully,
Skater21
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  #19  
Old 08-04-2012, 02:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Hang in there.

Time will pass. You don't have to push the Earth with your foot to make it spin faster. *hug*

Take you out of yourself -- go see a movie, museum. Hang with friends.

If you want to text her, do. Keep it short -- "Goodnight, hon. Hope you are doing ok. Don't want to intrude tho." is fine.

You don't have to be CHOPPED OFF in contact. Just keep it light and bite size and any sane meta should be ok with a goodnight message for chrissake. That's not calling every hour on the hour. And this IS the first time!

You will be ok.

GG
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  #20  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:43 PM
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Thanks to everyone for your help. I will write more later, but I just wanted to say thanks. My wife made it home yesterday morning, bad weather caused her Saturday flight to be cancelled, but she is home now and we are both very happy about that.

We spent the day yesterday reconnecting, it was wonderful. I am very lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have me. I had a chance to face my fears, and while I stumbled a little, I did not fall. I love her more every day, and I know she feels the same way about me. Our relationship is strong and I don't think there is anything we can't overcome together, that is very reassuring. Thanks again!

Skater21
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